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Yahoo
2 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists
4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists originally appeared on Parade. 'Gaslighting' has been a buzzword for a while. You may have read articles about what gaslighting is, watched TikToks where creators shared their stories with it or even used the word when talking to friends about an refresher: Gaslighting is manipulating another person to make them doubt their perceptions and even their that wasn't scary enough, there are also 'high-level gaslighters.' But what are they, how can you spot one and how can you deal with them? Parade reached out to psychologists to learn about the common habits and behaviors to look out for. Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists First, let's talk about what sets a high-level gaslighter one, they are 'more calculated, polished and subtle in their tactics,' according to Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. They're generally likeable people, he continues, and they use plausible deniability and 'reasonable' language to make their lies seem more Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, shares similar input. She adds they're 'often socially rewarded for the very traits that make their behavior so dangerous,' and that they're hard to spot 'because on the surface, they often seem emotionally intelligent, generous, even vulnerable.' That can drive you deeper into the relationship and its unhealthiness. 'When we can't clearly name what's happening, we're more likely to internalize the harm,' Dr. Kelley explains. 'That confusion is part of what makes this so damaging and so difficult to walk away from.'You may be curious why people are this way—not to excuse their behavior, just to understand what's going on. According to these psychologists, several reasons could be at play: wanting to control the narrative or people's perceptions, to preserve their image and power, to avoid facing emotional discomfort and to protect their ego. Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to PsychologistsWhat that might look like in practice, Dr. Cohen says, is claiming they 'never said that,' shifting blame to make you question your reality, or eroding your confidence and self-trust so they're more dominant and in the cause of that, he continues, could be a variety of factors, from narcissistic personality disorder to antisocial tendencies to even deep insecurity. As mentioned, one of the 'charms' of high-level gaslighters is that they seem emotionally intelligent. You may feel as though they're in touch with your feelings and know that they use that information strategically and for their benefit. 'They'll validate you just enough to build trust, then later use your words or vulnerabilities to deflect blame or gain control,' Dr. Kelley says. Dr. Cohen makes a similar point about how high-level gaslighters often exploit the fact that you're a caring person. 'They use your values, like compassion or loyalty, against you,' he says. They may say something like, 'You're supposed to be understanding, not accusing me,' when you try to set boundaries or discuss a makes phrases like that work, he continues, is that it leads you to doubt yourself. The gaslighter presents you as the 'bad guy' for something as normal as having an emotion or a question. Sensitive people and empaths are particularly vulnerable to high-level gaslighters, Dr. Kelley adds, because they're more likely to doubt themselves and lean toward Have you ever brought up a time they said something hurtful, and they swear it didn't happen? That can be another sign.'They conveniently 'forget' critical events or conversations, especially the ones that prove your version of reality,' Dr. Cohen says. 'Over time, you question your memory, become hesitant to trust your gut and depend more on them for 'truth.''Sometimes, people genuinely remember things differently. The difference is, they aren't trying to manipulate you or make you question your sanity by saying so. It's easier to point out an outright lie (even though a high-level gaslighter may deny that too). But another piece that makes their gaslighting high-level (and therefore harder to notice) is the fact that they frequently don't go for a complete lie. Instead, they twist the story just enough to confuse. Dr. Kelley calls it 'strategic misdirection.''They may say things that are vague, contradictory or half-true, so if you confront them, it's easy for them to flip it back on you,' she says. 'It keeps you in a mental fog, constantly trying to decode what's real.'Phrases they may use, she continues, are 'That's not what I said' and 'You misunderstood me.' And again, what makes that so confusing is that misunderstandings do happen and aren't always manipulative. With a gaslighter, though, trust that they When you're doubting yourself, your perceptions and your reality, you may turn to a loved one or other person who was there. Did what you think happened really happen? Be aware that their perception may not be accurate either. High-level gaslighters 'cultivate strong, positive impressions with others (bosses, friends, therapists) so that if you confront them, they can subtly frame you as unstable or overreactive to others,' Dr. Cohen says. In other words, your coworkers or friends might not see the gaslighter's bad side, so they feed you the same (wrong) information. This is a form of triangulation, or bringing a third person into the conflict or to complicate things.'It isolates the target and discredits them while the gaslighter maintains credibility,' Dr. Cohen adds. As a result, you may feel—or worry you're seen as—even more 'crazy.' This gives the gaslighter more Kelley shares a major sign. 'They might make small comments to others about you, hint at your instability or share selective versions of events, all while playing the role of the 'reasonable' one,' she says. 'Over time, you may feel more and more alone, unsure of who you can trust. That isolation is exactly what makes their version of reality too hard to challenge.'Related: Take notes on what's happening, even if and when you don't trust your judgment.'Keeping a written or digital log of conversations, events or patterns creates an objective record you can refer back to,' Dr. Cohen explains. 'Be specific with dates and times and verbatim quotes. This counters their manipulation of facts and helps you reclaim your sense of reality.'Besides writing what was said, note how it makes you feel and what your body is telling you. 'The patterns start to reveal themselves when you see it in writing,' Dr. Kelley even if it doesn't feel true now, it may feel true the keyword is 'privately.' Where can you put these notes so the other person won't see them?Related: After your reality has been denied, it's understandable and common to distrust your intuition.'Gaslighting disconnects you from your internal compass,' Dr. Kelley affirms. Try to get that back. Journaling and paying attention to how your body feels, as mentioned above, are helpful ways to do this. Whether you're setting a boundary around how they talk to you, physical space or something different, know you're allowed to, no questions fact, not explaining may turn out in your favor. 'High-level gaslighters often twist your reasoning,' Dr. Cohen says. 'By setting firm, concise boundaries without overexplaining, you reduce their opportunities to manipulate your words.' If they ask for an explanation or justification, he suggests saying something like 'I'm not available for that conversation right now' or 'I've made my decision.' This can help you avoid getting pulled into a debate (that's impossible to win).Related: When someone is lying or has lied for a while, it can feel empowering to call them out. But remember, that won't be as healing as it may seem, nor is it necessary. 'If the relationship leaves you feeling confused, anxious or constantly self-doubting, that's enough,' Dr. Kelley says. 'Emotional safety is reason enough to set boundaries or walk away.'Related: When you feel 'crazy,' having someone to back you up and provide validation and perspective can mean so much. 'Whether it's a friend, therapist or support group, being heard and believed can be a turning point,' Dr. Kelley says. 'A validating conversation can re-anchor you in what's true.'Dr. Cohen speaks to the specific ways a therapist can help. 'A professional, in particular, can help you name what's happening and develop grounded strategies to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically,' he says. 'Create your own group of trusted advisors to check your reality and offer helpful support and practical guidance.' Up Next:Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author 4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jun 8, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 8, 2025, where it first appeared.
Yahoo
02-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
The 'Conditioning Behavior' Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About
The 'Conditioning Behavior' Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About originally appeared on Parade. Let's be real: Raising kids is no easy feat, for many reasons. Parents, grandparents and caregivers may have to navigate all that entails while also working a full-time job (or two). Parenting advice is all over the place and can contradict itself. Kids' brains aren't fully developed yet, so they may behave in ways that you don't understand or that try your that said, there's a common way many parents and grandparents respond—whether they mean to or not—and it's called 'intermittent reinforcement.' While it's super tempting, this strategy may cause long-term problems for your child and your relationship. Read on for psychologists' concerns and Essentially, intermittent reinforcement is when positive behavior is only 'rewarded' sometimes. This means the person who engaged in the behavior doesn't know if they'll be rewarded that time or not. The thinking behind using this is that the child will want the reward, but if they don't get it one time, they'll continue the 'positive' behavior in hopes of getting it next intermittent reinforcement can be a tactic to elicit desired behavior. For example, a parent might give their child $5 when they get As and Bs on their report card, but only for some of those good report reinforcement can also be a more unintentional response to a child's feelings and words. Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcast host of The Sensitivity Doctor, explains. 'Intermittent reinforcement with kids shows up when a parent or caregiver responds inconsistently—sometimes warm and attentive, other times withdrawn or reactive,' she says. 'A child might cry and get comfort one day, and be ignored or punished the next.'She uses the analogy of a slot machine, where a person keeps putting money in—even though the outcome is uncertain, and even knowing they may lose the money—because the hope is so strong, it overrides As mentioned, intermittent reinforcement isn't necessarily helpful, but it is understandable, and not always fully conscious.'Many adults don't realize they're reinforcing behavior inconsistently; they think occasional rewards won't matter,' says Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. Ahead, he and Dr. Kelley share why caregivers might use it. Super relatable first example here: 'Caregivers may give in occasionally to stop a tantrum or get some peace, especially when they're tired or overwhelmed,' Dr. Cohen The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: 'It Changes Everything'For example, they may finally say 'yes' to a child asking for a toy at Target because they want the child to stop screaming. Dr. Kelley adds that they may feel overwhelmed, exhausted or emotionally unavailable; they may also have trauma or a lack of emotion regulation tools. That can contribute to a lesser response to a child or 'giving in' too. No shame here. Dr. Cohen says this urge is particularly common in grandparents, who 'might feel compelled to 'spoil' grandkids occasionally, especially if they don't see them that often.' In this case, the use of intermittent reinforcement is more intentional. 'Grandparents might think they're teaching resilience by withholding comfort,' Dr. Kelley says. 'But what's actually being taught is that love is earned, not given, and that creates confusion around what a healthy connection even looks like.'Related: 16 Things Every Kid Needs To Learn From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say Remember the example of buying a child a toy at Target to quiet them? While effective in the short term, this kind of intermittent reinforcement can encourage the 'wrong' behavior long-term.'Behaviors reinforced intermittently can become even more persistent and resistant to change,' Dr. Cohen says. 'Kids may act out more often, hoping that 'this time,' the reward will come.'Related: Controversial 'Commando Parenting' Is Trending—Here's What Psychologists Have To Say About Its Impact on Children When kids become teens and young adults, they may be more likely to find themselves in relationships that have equal or worse consequences. 'Over time, this can form a relational blueprint that leads them to seek out future relationships that feel emotionally similar—ones where love and inconsistency go hand in hand,' Dr. Kelley says. A serious example of this is dating someone they trauma bond with. 'Trauma bonding' is when someone unintentionally forms a strong attachment to a person—usually, an abusive person—who causes major highs and lows as a manipulation tactic. Essentially, they wait 'for the repair that doesn't come, believing that if they just try harder, they'll finally be enough,' Dr. Kelley explains. 'And that's a setup for pain.' As you may have seen, kids need reliability and structure, which isn't what intermittent reinforcement provides. 'Inconsistent responses from adults can lead to confusion about expectations and appropriate behavior,' Dr. Cohen explains. If you've ever heard 'But you bought me a toy last time!', he says, you know what we're talking about the case of withholding love (whether intentionally or unintentionally), it can cause a child to have poor self-esteem. When kids worry that their emotions will be met with disdain, they may hold them in, which leaves them feeling less safe and secure. 'It deeply impacts attachment,' Dr. Kelley says. 'They begin to monitor the moods of the adults around them, unsure of what to expect, and adjust their behavior to try and stay connected—often at the cost of their own emotional needs.'Related: Dr. Cohen advises responding the same way every time. This is especially important, he continues, when you're trying to teach something new. For example, giving a child a sticker every time they use the toilet when you're potty-training them, or praising a child every time they speak politely. 'Consistency helps children learn clear cause-and-effect connections,' he also encourages sticking to the limits you set, explaining, 'This builds trust and teaches them emotional self-regulation."At the same time, keep in mind that you won't be 'perfect' at this (no parent is!) and that's okay. When you feel overwhelmed, for example, make sure the child still knows they're safe. 'Saying something like 'I'm having a hard time, but I'm still here with you' helps separate your emotional state from their worth,' Dr. Kelley When you snap, ignore your child or shut down, come back to it. Dr. Kelley encourages saying something like, 'That wasn't okay. You didn't deserve that.' 'That kind of repair helps build resilience, not confusion,' she explains. 'It teaches kids that relationships can survive conflict and that their feelings matter enough to be acknowledged.' Up Next: Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcaster Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author The 'Conditioning Behavior' Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About first appeared on Parade on Jun 2, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 2, 2025, where it first appeared.
Epoch Times
28-05-2025
- Health
- Epoch Times
‘Sunny Over Salty': Psychologist Harry Cohen's Mission to Promote Positive Energy
As May, Mental Health Awareness Month, draws to a close, spending a few minutes with the 'Be the Sun, Not the Salt' podcast is what psychologist Harry Cohen hopes everyone will do. 'The choice exists in each moment for us to be uplifting, like the sun on the leaves of the plant, or we can be depleting like the salt on the roots of that plant,' Dr. Cohen said in a recent interview with The Epoch Times. An Ann Arbor, Michigan-based psychologist, coach, husband, father, restaurateur, and self-described 'seeker of wisdom,' Cohen said his a-ha moment—this simple way to be, rooted in the heliotropic phenomenon where plants turn toward the sun for their energy—didn't happen all at once, but came after decades of listening and learning. In fact, Cohen, 70, himself didn't realize that spreading this one idea would become his lifelong mission—until it did. 'The light bulb was the simplicity of the metaphor,' he said. Finishing up his TEDx Talk in March, it crystallized for him: He realized, 'I don't need to do anything other than hone the articulation of the point.' Related Stories 8/21/2024 8/5/2024 The principles shared in the TEDx talk—which outlined the concept of heliotropic leadership, the scientific understanding that all living systems are drawn toward life-sustaining energy, including our own—were so well-received that Cohen was inspired to write his second book, 'Be the Sun, Not the Salt,' and eventually launch his podcast of the same name. Focus on Your Own Behavior 'I read a chapter a day, every single day, and then write a note, 'Here's how I intend to practice today's lesson', so that it's more real, and it's never ending in terms of information and wisdom that I collect and go,' Cohen said, explaining how people, including himself, can use the book as a blueprint to living a healthier life. Unlike many other self-help manifestations, it doesn't matter what your background or family history is, or how you've been living your life up to this point. Growing up in Buffalo, New York, Cohen said his own family was not a force of positivity. 'My father was glass half empty. My mother was more glass half full,' he said. 'They weren't abusive but angry. They were not aware of the power of emotional regulation, the power of leaning into being a better human being.' All it takes to start your path of positivity is 'the tiniest of things,' Cohen said. 'What I keep learning about is, the little-er the better.' What does that 'smallest thing' look like for someone wanting to put positivity at the forefront? 'Showing up on time; taking a breath; asking someone how they're doing,' Cohen said. 'I didn't say to you this morning for example, 'How are you? How can I help you?' I mean that's little. I could go on and on about the little stuff—conversations you get into, words we use, how the words I use can be more effective, more heliotropic. They're endless.' For Cohen, this has now become his life's work. He doesn't see the need to do anything else but keep spreading it. 'This is a lifelong noble effort,' he said. 'The lifelong piece is, 'We'll never be done with this.' I know my motive. I know why we're doing this. And I know it's good. And that's why I'm doing this until I die.' Courtesy of Harry Cohen Don't 'Eat' Everything In today's social media-obsessed world, the challenge is greater, Cohen said. He regards choosing the social media we follow as a metaphor for choosing the food we put into our bodies. 'Monitor your media intake, watch what you ingest, be mindful of the stuff that is put on the buffet before us,' he said. 'We won't get to eat anything we want. There's a million things on a buffet and I look at it and go, No. No, No, No. That's decent. No, no, no, no. Oh, I guess I can eat this, this, and this because I know enough to know that this, this, and this is good.' Research consistently links optimism to better well-being, something Cohen taps into with his 'sunny over salty' philosophy. 'It's every single thing that I do, and more importantly, don't do,' Cohen said about walking the walk. 'It took decades for the establishment and for the mass media to go: 'Yeah, I guess smoking is not good for you.' And they're just starting now with sugar and processed food and alcohol. And maybe decades from now ... but that's what we are up against. 'It's OK for me. It's a noble fight. I'm not going to get dissuaded by the avalanche of negativity.'
