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The Irish Sun

Cowardice of C-listers on Celeb SAS: WDW is bad enough – but the bigger failure was the ‘interrogation' of Rebecca Loos

Read on for Ally's thoughts on MasterChef's return and the biggest TV lies and delusions of the month ALLY ROSS Cowardice of C-listers on Celeb SAS: WDW is bad enough – but the bigger failure was the 'interrogation' of Rebecca Loos THE worst thing about Love Island contestants? They never go away. Advertisement 7 Channel 4's Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins has been lumbered with Love Island contestants Credit: PA 7 While the heroic Special Forces instructors are quite rightly looking for 'people with grit' Channel 4's production team are ruthlessly hunting down over-sharing exhibitionists Credit: PA They either reappear on the winter version or they start polluting every other reality format in the schedule with their me, me, me schtick. With TV's worst-affected show currently being Channel 4's Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, which has lumbered itself with Adam Collard, Chloe Burrows and Tasha Ghouri, who are convinced the public know them best for. . . . 'being a bit of a lothario', 'snogging lots of boys' and just generally ­acting the a***hole on Love Island. A spectacular delusion, given 99.99 per cent of the public probably wouldn't recognise them if they abseiled into their bathtubs wearing a name tag. Which only goes to highlight the conflict of priorities at the heart of this show. Advertisement Pointlessly famous Because, while Foxy, Billy and the heroic Special Forces instructors are quite rightly looking for 'people with grit and determination who can make their country proud', Channel 4's production team are ruthlessly hunting down over-sharing exhibitionists who will bury their country's reputation under 100 tonnes of self-pity and too much bloody information. Just how badly the SAS boys lost that battle of wills can best be gauged by this year's line-up. As well as the three Love Island contestants, others wearing the tell-tale smirk of the pointlessly famous include: Louie Spence, S Club's ­Hannah Spearritt, Harry Clark from The Traitors, 'Peru Two' drug mule Michaella McCollum and the compulsory drag queen whose real name is Thomas George Graeme Hibbitts, so you can probably understand why the poor frightened little soul decided to call himself Bimini Bon-Boulash. Boxer Conor Benn is also present, along with footballers Troy Deeney and Adebayo Akinfenwa who should probably be slightly wary about 'TV personality and yoga instructor' Rebecca Loos, last seen bringing a pig to climax on Channel 5's The Farm, back in 2005, who remains stuck in a Catch-22 situation all of her own making. She ­desperately wants to move on from her alleged affair with David Beckham, but cannot shut the hell up about him. Advertisement A problem that wasn't helped by instructor Chris Oliver, who invited Loos to talk about him again, during an 'interrogation', with the words: 'I'd be interested to get your take on it.' But then missed a trick, once she'd finally exhausted herself on the subject, by ­failing to add: 'No, not ­Beckham, I was talking about the Channel 5 pig.' Celeb SAS Who Dares Wins full line up revealed with ex Premier League footballer, pop icon and THREE Love Islanders Say what you like about her, though, Rebecca Loos is far from the most brittle member of this feeble celebrity line-up which started to disintegrate almost as soon as the opening credits were done. First to go was Hannah Spearritt, who didn't even reach for the third ad break, let alone the stars. She was swiftly followed by Louie Spence and then the two Love Island girls who got the shortest shrift of all, from Chris Oliver, after voluntarily withdrawing on the way to the Hang Tough ­challenge. 'What do you mean VW?' he screamed. 'You haven't fookin' done anything yet.' Advertisement You could tell the production team were also livid and probably angry with themselves, for choosing such ­obvious quitters, as they decided to replay the ­contestants' opening words of defiance straight after they handed in their armbands. Hannah Spearritt: 'I'm pretty determined. I wouldn't say I give up easily.' Louie Spence: 'I'm a ­survivor.' Chloe Burrows: 'It's really hard for me to say what it would take for me to VW.' 7 Chloe just couldn't go on after struggling on the climb Advertisement 7 Tasha gave up just a few minutes after Chloe 7 Rebecca Loos cannot shut the hell up about Beckham Credit: PA It is? Then I'll say it for her. It took a tiny slope. Not even a hill, a slope was just too much of an obstacle to overcome, so Chloe quit and hopefully exited public life, just as John Barrowman did last year. Two acts of cowardice that'll hopefully jolt C4 into reviewing their recruitment procedure as all the tears and histrionics of these 'TV personalities' tend to obscure the fact there is actually a contest of sorts going on in the background. Barring injury, the eventual winner will probably be Conor Benn, Troy Deeney or Adam Collard, but definitely not rapper Lady Leshurr, who made a 26ft leap into an Anglesey harbour look like the annual Birdman of Bognor challenge. Advertisement She possibly provided the soundbite of the series so far, though, when Chris Oliver eventually hauled her out of the Irish Sea and asked: 'How did you find that?' 'Traumatic and salty.' And if that's not also the title of Louie Spence's autobiography, I'll hand my armband in as well. Great sporting insights LYNSEY HOOPER: 'I've lost count of the number of corners Rovers have had. It's 17.' David Croft: 'The one significant change is actually the second significant change.' And Mike Atherton: 'India 117-8. Three wickets lost yesterday, four this morning.' (Compiled by Graham Wray) SHOW'S GON OFF THE BOIL BBC1 introduced us to the best-named MasterChef contestant of all time, this week. He's Gon, from Thailand. Advertisement 7 MasterChef has returned to TV screens with a new series filmed before hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode were dismissed last month Credit: Unpixs As opposed to Gregg and John, who are gone from pretty much everywhere. Also missing, from Wednesday evening's audience, was our ever-indignant Culture Secretary Lisa Nandy, who described BBC1's decision to go ahead with the MasterChef series as 'absolutely appalling'. A slight step-up, incidentally, on the way Lisa recently described the Palestinian terrorist organisation Hamas, responsible for murdering 1,195 Israelis, on October 7, who were merely 'appalling'. Personally speaking, though, I cannot summon Lisa's levels of fury over MasterChef any more than I could avoid spluttering when John said: 'Get your mousselines out, ­Penelope', during the guest judge round. Advertisement For Gregg and John are clearly a pair of oafs who should've been reeled in or sacked years ago, just as surely as EastEnders should avoid repeating the finger-wagging lecture about Joel's toxic masculinity which preceded Wednesday's show. Unless, of course, the BBC wants to look like the most self- righteous hypocrites on the planet. But boycotts are for students and watching MasterChef is punishment enough for any man. So I took my medicine on Wednesday night and immediately found myself in a battle with acute drowsiness, during the mystery box test. The moment John started fretting about the texture of yet another risotto, though? I was . . . what's the word? Gone. Unexpected morons in the bagging area THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: 'How many miles long is the Daytona 500 motor race?' Paul Sinha: '250.' Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: 'Creme fraiche literally translates from French to English as fresh what?' Lee: 'Yoghurt.' And Ben Shephard: 'The first summer Olympics in modern history was held in 1896 in which Greek capital city?' Malik: 'Rome.' Random TV irritations ARROGANT Tipping Point: Lucky Stars contestant Matt Dawson ordering Ben Shephard to 'move on' rather than saying pass. Advertisement The preening self-satisfaction of GMB's holiday cover pundit Nels Abbey, whose stupidity manages to make Ed Balls look like Jeremy bloody Paxman. And drag queen Bimini Bon-Boulash claiming to be 'flying the flag for ­misfits', on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins which, given there's a bloke in a skirt on nearly every mainstream show, is the very last thing he's doing. He's flying the rainbow flag for establishment cliches. TV gold THE genius and extraordinary back story of Billy Joel getting the treatment they richly deserve from Sky Documentaries' brilliant six- hour, two-parter And So It Goes. Kevin Rowland putting the Jocky Wilson debate to bed on BBC2's hugely enjoyable Dexys At The BBC (it was deliberate). Love Island's Unseen Bits playing The Addams Family music to the arrival of the islanders' relatives on ITV2. SAS: Who Dares Wins legend Billy Billingham lacing the question, 'What does 'Bimini' do?' with more contempt than you'd ever imagine four words could carry. And the Sky Sports presenter, late on Sunday, who said: 'Making their return to the Scottish Premiership, Full Cock.' Before she corrected herself, rather unnecessarily in my opinion. 'Falkirk.' Lookalike of the week 7 This week's winner is Mahdi, from Destination X, and Sergeant Stavros from Kojak Credit: Supplied Sent in by Gordon Montgomery. Advertisement