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Cosmopolitan
4 days ago
- Health
- Cosmopolitan
How to Orgasm, According to Certified Sex Experts
Orgasms are great. Not being able to have one = less great. Whether you've never experienced a climax, struggle to get there with a partner, or suddenly feel like your orgasm has packed its bags and peaced TF out, know this: You're not broken, you're not weird, and you're most definitely not alone. In fact, difficulty reaching orgasm and trying to figure out how to cum is super common—and totally normal. 'Stress, anxiety, fatigue, hormonal shifts, medications like SSRIs, relationship dynamics, even just plain old distractions can all impact your ability to climax,' says certified sex educator Evie Plumb, founder of Cliterally the Best. 'There's a lot going on behind the scenes when it comes to orgasm—it's a full-body and full-mind experience.' Clinical sexologist Lucy Rowett agrees, adding that shame and pressure are also major blockers. 'A big part of being able to orgasm is being able to let go, and for many people, that is hard.' So if getting off feels a little (or a lot) elusive lately, we've got you. Ahead, some of our favorite expert-backed tips, tools, sex toys, and tricks to help you understand how to orgasm and, more importantly IMO, how to actually enjoy the process of figuring it out. Because yes, reaching the big O can be a journey, but we promise the destination is worth the hype. It sounds backwards, but hear us out: The more pressure you put on yourself to orgasm, the harder it gets (literally and emotionally). An orgasm isn't a goal to grind toward—it's something that happens when you're relaxed, present, and tuned into pleasure. 'Focus on feeling good instead of reaching the finish line,' says Plumb. This helps take the anxiety out of the equation which, ironically, might be the exact thing blocking your orgasm in the first place. And FYI, it's totally normal to plateau along the way (aka, that stage where you're turned on but not quite tipping over the edge). Stick with what got you close and give yourself time. On average, it can take about 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation for people with vulvas to climax, so don't rush it. If you're with a partner, consider trading off nights where the focus is fully on one person at a time. Zero pressure, maximum pleasure. Here's the deal: Most people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. 'Having sex with a vagina without touching the clitoris is like stimulating a penis without ever touching the head,' says psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy. Sure, penetration can feel good, but orgasms? Those usually need a little help from the clit. That doesn't mean you have to go above and beyond. Even in the missionary position, the friction from grinding pelvises can do the trick (especially if you try something like the coital alignment technique). But if penetration alone isn't cutting it, try adding vibration into the mix. A palm-sized vibrator or a vibrating ring worn on your partner's penis or dildo can deliver the right kind of pressure without getting in the way of all that good stuff happening inside. Never underestimate the power of a good tease. Touching the outer lips of the vulva (aka the labia majora) might not get you to orgasm on its own, but giving this erogenous zone a little love can seriously level up your arousal. 'Incorporate the fleshy deliciousness of touch, which is very erotic for people,' says Luterman. For a slow build, have your partner use their index and middle fingers in a 'V' shape to gently trace along both the inner and outer lips. And if your clit feels too sensitive for direct stimulation (totally normal, btw), try pressing or rubbing over the clitoral hood instead. As Luterman explains, this creates indirect pressure—kind of like how foreskin works during un-lubed masturbation with a penis. Take time to explore what feels good for you, then bring that knowledge into partnered play. Want better sex? Start talking about it—both outside the bedroom and in the heat of the moment. 'When you normalize talking about sex—especially when you're not having it—you create space to actually say what you want during it,' says sex coach Myisha Battle. And while you're at it, stop holding back your sounds. 'If you're blocking your sounds, you're likely blocking your orgasm,' adds sex educator Rachel Wright. Making noise isn't just hot; it boosts blood flow to all the right places and helps you stay in the moment. Same goes for your breath. Holding it or panting too fast can kill circulation (and the vibe). Sex coach Azaria Menezes recommends slowing it way down. Deep, intentional breaths not only keep your brain and clit happy, but they also ground you in your body, which is exactly where you want to be when you're trying to cum. If you're still relying on fingers alone and wondering why your orgasms aren't hitting like they should— it might be time to level up. Vibrators aren't just a fun accessory; they're a straight-up orgasm accelerator. Whether you're flying solo or getting down with a partner, using a vibrator can add way more sensation, take some pressure off your boo to 'perform,' and help you reach that elusive peak without overthinking it. Not sure where to start? Look for toys designed specifically for clitoral stimulation, since that's how the vast majority of people with vaginas orgasm. One standout: the Lelo Sona Cruise, which uses sonic waves to mimic the feeling of oral sex and zero in on the clit with precision. If you've never used a toy before, this one's like diving into the deep end—in the best way. Bottom line? If you want to orgasm more consistently (and like, harder), it's time to bring in some reinforcements. Your clit will thank you. If you're stuck overthinking during sex, it might be time to shift the focus back to your body. 'Keep bringing your attention back to what pleasurable sensations you can feel and let yourself enjoy them,' explains Rowett. Orgasms happen when the brain and body are actually communicating, not when you're mentally rearranging the fridge mid-foreplay. Turn off your phone, the lights, even blindfold yourself if you'd like. You want to be in the moment focusing on sensations, so all those little distractions can actually add up and prevent you from getting off. One way to stay present is to notice where you're holding tension. When we're close to climax, we tend to grip and chase it—but that can backfire. Try softening your touch, moving your hips, or sighing out through your mouth to help energy flow more freely, Rowett says. Of course, stress makes this even harder. Whether it's work, family drama, or your partner forgetting to switch the laundry again, stress can majorly block orgasms. Help your nervous system chill before you get down to business—walk it off, dance it out à la Grey's, take a hot shower, whatever. As Dr. Jenni Skyler, a sex therapist for Adam & Eve, puts it: 'Orgasm is about surrender. When we try to control too many aspects of our life, this can leak over into orgasm function.' TL;DR: Release the stress, release the need to control, and your orgasm might just release a little easier too. Once you've released the tension and quieted the chaos in your brain, the next step is to guide your attention on purpose. Orgasms aren't just physical—they're mental, too. 'Too much mind chatter is one of the quickest ways to interrupt your access to pleasure and orgasm,' says sex coach Tamica Wilder. That's why, once you've shaken out the stress, it's time to recenter your focus. But don't confuse this with trying to disconnect or 'stop thinking'—that rarely works. Instead, Luterman recommends practicing 'mindful relaxation with an erotic anticipation.' That means actively choosing to focus on what turns you on. Because, as she explains, 'Whatever you're thinking about or looking at is directly going to impact whether or not you're turned on.' So try this: Watch your partner's hands as they move across your body. Tune into the rhythm of the music. Feel the sheets against your skin. Create a mental movie out of the moment, and let it be hot. This is your personal highlight reel, after all. So you've released the tension, recentered your focus, and tapped into what actually turns you on. Now it's time to let your brain run wild (in the best way possible). Despite what some people think, fantasizing during sex doesn't mean you're doing it wrong—or that you're mentally cheating. It just means you're human, and you're allowed to use your imagination. You can also draw on memory or imagination. Revisit that one time in Cabo with your SO, fantasize about what might happen next, or conjure up a totally new scene starring Ryan Gosling and a very cooperative shower head. Whatever gets your brain into a sexy place, go there. No shame, just more pleasure. Once you're mentally in the zone, the next layer is building that erotic charge between you and your partner. Because for many people, orgasm isn't just about mechanics—it's about energy. That simmering, undeniable chemistry. Luterman calls this 'the flow of desire communicated between two people,' and says it can start with something as simple as expressing what you want. Not into your nipple being pinched? Say so—but make it hot. Tell your partner how good it would feel if they touched under your breast instead, or used their tongue instead of their finger. That kind of feedback keeps you present and amps up the tension. Also: If you don't feel sexy, it's hard to believe your partner sees you that way. But Luterman says you don't need to magically be confident—just try trusting that your partner already finds you hot. Right now. In this exact moment. That belief? Orgasmic gold. Paying attention to your body and environment is great, but who says you can't outsource a little help? There are plenty of sexy stimuli out there just waiting to get you turned on and push you closer to orgasm. We're talking erotic books, ethical porn, audio porn, even just a sexy playlist that hits in all the right places. You can use these tools while masturbating, as a warm-up, or mid-action with a partner (as long as everyone's into it). The goal? To keep your brain in a sexy place on purpose. Because sometimes, focusing on a hot storyline or an erotic soundscape is exactly what you need to stay in the moment and get where you want to go. Even if you think you're not kinky, you might just not have found your thing yet. Erotic educator and Organic Loven founder Taylor Sparks suggests experimenting with some entry-level kink to shake things up and tap into a new layer of desire. 'Try tricks like orgasm denial or even incorporating bondage,' she says. You don't have to go full dungeon—just introducing a little edge can unlock sensations (and orgasms) you didn't know you were missing. Curious about latex? Want to try spanking, blindfolds, or dirty talk that borders on power play? Say something. Bringing these desires into the open—even if you're just dipping a toe—can be a total game changer. And who knows? That thing you were too shy to mention might just be the key to your next mind-blowing orgasm. If you're still figuring out what turns you on—or struggling to communicate it—a sex game can make things way less awkward (and a lot more fun). Think of it as an erotic icebreaker: It can get you out of your head, spark genuine connection, and open the door to sharing desires you might otherwise keep to yourself. 'Communication is not only a form of seduction, but a precursor that lays the foundation for more meaningful, fulfilling, and pleasurable sex,' Jess O'Reilly, PhD, resident sexologist at Astroglide, previously told Cosmopolitan. And what better way to communicate than while giggling over a dirty dare or debating who has to go down first? Whether it's a literal sex board game (yes, they exist), a round of spicy truth or dare, or just pulling cards from a kink exploration deck, games can take the pressure off orgasm and shift the focus to curiosity, connection, and foreplay. Bonus: You might discover a new kink in the process. If your orgasm keeps slipping through your fingers, it might be time to press pause—literally. Instead of trying to rush to the finish line, try edging: the practice of building up to climax, stopping just before you get there, and then doing it all over again. It's not about denial—it's about the build. 'Edging during sex or self-pleasure can dramatically increase genital engorgement and blood flow to your nerve endings,' says Wright. That means the next time you finally do let go, it's more intense, more full-body, and less likely to be interrupted by the usual mental chatter. Win-win. You can also turn edging into a no-pressure 'training night' with your partner. Pick an evening with zero other goals—no penetration pressure, no orgasm expectations, just exploration. Focus on what feels good, especially mouth-on-clitoris stuff. Take your time. Get curious. Let them take notes (literally or metaphorically). And if you're still struggling to find the rhythm or pressure that works for you, don't underestimate the power of dry humping. Yes, the name could use a rebrand, but hear us out: grinding with clothes or underwear on provides indirect clitoral stimulation that can be way easier to control—and hotter—than you'd expect. It's not just for teenagers in parked cars. For some people, it's a super effective route to climax. So, if you're feeling stuck, getting back to basics can unlock something major. Fewer tricks, more attention. Less pressure, more pleasure. Spoiler: Your partner can't just magically give you an orgasm. But you can help them help you—by literally lending a hand. Touch your clit during sex or guide your partner with your words (or better yet, both). 'While they're touching your vulva, cover their hand with yours and use the same motion you use when you masturbate,' says sex educator Emily Morse. Prefer a vibrator? Use it in front of them. It's hot, helpful, and super informative. Not everyone responds to the same kind of stimulation, so if you haven't figured out what works yet, don't stress. You might need pressure, tapping, circles, or some combo of all three. (We've got you covered with plenty of solo sex tips if you need inspiration.) The more you show or say what you like, the easier it is to actually get there—together. If you keep hitting that 'so close, yet so far' wall, an arousal gel might be the upgrade your orgasm's been waiting for. These lubes and gels boost sensitivity by increasing blood flow and oxygen to your genitals, which can make everything feel way more intense. 'Arousal gels open your blood vessels, which increases sensitivity and vaginal secretions to intensify orgasms,' Sparks previously told Cosmopolitan. Translation? You get wetter, cum more easily, and climax harder. Think fireworks, not sparklers. Got a go-to move that always works? Love that for you. But even the best orgasms can get… a little predictable. Switch things up by playing with new rhythms and combos—like adding fingers during oral or grinding against your partner in missionary to hit your clit just right. Sometimes it's not one magic move, but a combo platter of stimulation that gets you there (and then some).
IOL News
19-06-2025
- Health
- IOL News
Unlocking pleasure: How to enhance your sexual experience when orgasms feel out of reach
There is some consensus among sex educators, therapists and real people that orgasm is not as simple as it is made out to be. But if you're struggling to get there, you're definitely not alone. In fact, research from the National Library of Medicine estimates 10 to 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm. That's millions of people who feel left out of the supposed fireworks, quietly wondering, 'What's wrong with me?' Let's get real for a second: orgasms are often hyped as the pinnacle of sexual pleasure - those legendary 'big O' moments everyone seems to be chasing. In a post from Cosmopolitan Evie Plumb, certified sex educator and founder of Cliterally the Best, explains that stress, anxiety, fatigue, hormonal fluctuations, relationship issues, medications like SSRIs or certain medical conditions can contribute to difficulties in reaching orgasm. There are ways to get closer to pleasure, no matter where you're starting from. Let's bust a myth right away, orgasms aren't just about physical touch. Sure, stimulation matters, but reaching climax is a complex dance involving your brain, hormones, emotions and even your relationship with yourself. There is some consensus among sex educators, therapists and real people that orgasm is not as simple as it is made out to be. And that's not a failure. It's normal. Your pleasure matters. Whether you've never orgasmed or just want to deepen your connection with your body, you're not alone and you're not failing. Everyone's sexual response is different - there's no single 'right' way. So, if you're not climaxing easily (or at all), please know you're not broken. Your body and mind are just responding to a lot of variables, many of which are outside your control. Why pressure kills pleasure Here's something every sex expert agrees on - the harder you try to force an orgasm, the further away it feels. Kiana Reeves, intimacy educator and chief intimacy officer, told Goop, 'Anytime you're in the thinking mind, the goal-oriented mind, you're latching onto something and it takes you completely out of sensation.' In other words, stop treating orgasm like a finish line you're failing to cross. Instead, get curious. Explore what feels good. Let go of what you think 'should' happen. As certified sexologist Michaela d'Artois suggests, treat it like an experiment. Is a soft touch better? Do you prefer lying down or sitting up? Permit yourself to just feel. Ditch the shame There's a lot of noise out there about the 'orgasm gap', especially for women and non-binary folks. There's so much messaging about how women don't orgasm through sex with men but have an easier time on their own. That self-judgment, 'I didn't come, I failed' just adds to the pressure. Make pleasure a priority, literally! Let's be honest, in our busy lives, we schedule everything that matters. Pilates. Coffee dates. Doctor's appointments. But when was the last time you scheduled, time for your own pleasure? D'Artois argues that putting pleasure on the calendar isn't weird, it's self-care. 'Set the intention and build in time to get comfortable: music, candles, maybe some audio erotica.' Treat solo sex like you would any wellness ritual. Explore erogenous zones and experiment Your body is full of nerve endings waiting to be discovered. Try stimulating lubes or oils, maybe soothing CBD, tingly kava, or warming cinnamon. Notice what your body gravitates toward. 'We need a lot of variety to get all of our erectile tissue full and responsive,' says Reeves. For some, arousal oils help blood flow, making everything more sensitive. Relax, don't clench A lot of us tense up when we feel close to orgasm. But as Reeves points out, deep, full-body orgasms often come from softening and relaxing, not clenching. Try this: Focus on deep, slow breaths Allow your pelvic floor to relax and 'blossom' open Pulse between tensing and relaxing, if that helps you tune in Breathing increases blood flow and relaxes muscles, making it easier to get out of your head and into your body. Get creative with touch Vibrators are amazing, but if you're stuck in a rut, try mixing it up: use your hands, non-vibrating toys or even a cool stone wand. Tune into subtle sensations, temperature, texture and pressure. Remember, pleasure isn't just about orgasm. It's about feeling good, period. If you take nothing else away from this, hear this: Your pleasure matters. Whether you've never orgasmed or just want to deepen your connection with your body, you're not alone and you're not failing. Curiosity, compassion and a willingness to explore are your best tools. And if you need support, talk to a sex therapist or educator, they're there to help.
