7 days ago
How to Survive Back-to-School Shopping When Your Teen Wants to Buy Every Fashion Trend
Reviewed by Samantha Mann
If heading back to school inevitably has your kid ready to shop, we see you. The 'need' for new clothes, shoes, and everything in between comes in hot right about now for tweens and teens, especially with the prospect of impressing their peers on the horizon. As a result, the pressure on parents heats up, too.
Whether it's the newest Stanley cup arrival or that trendy pair of wide-leg jeans that seem totally impractical to us parents, the gear kids are eyeing these days isn't cheap. And even if you have the means to splurge a bit, it can be difficult to justify spending so much money on items simply because they are popular (right now) among your kids' peers. After all, they're destined to get buried in the back of their closet next fall.
But before you say no straight out of the gate this year—and a battle of wills ensues with your teen—consider this insight and advice from adolescent experts which will help you find a compromise with your teen about back to school shopping.
Why Trends Matter to Tweens and Teens
By and large, parents just see dollar signs come back-to-school season. But it's important to know that tweens and teens see something else entirely when putting together a list of new clothes and gear they want as they head into a new grade.
'What parents need to understand is that back-to-school shopping isn't just about function — it's about identity, ' explains Caitlin Slavens, a psychologist, parenting expert, and clinic director at Couples to Cradles Counseling. 'For tweens and teens, what they wear says who they are, or at least who they're trying to be.'
All of which is developmentally normal, especially between the ages 11 and 17, adds Jeannine Jannot, Ph.D., a Roswell, Georgia-based developmental psychologist and author of 'The Disintegrating Student: Struggling But Smart, Falling Apart & How to Turn It Around.'
'Kids are developing their identity, seeking independence, and placing growing importance on peer relationships and social belonging, all while trying to figure out who they are,' Jannot says.
'Parents may misinterpret their kids' desires for fashionable stuff as frivolous or over the top, without recognizing the underlying motivation, which is to fit in,' she adds.
That means that when your kid is begging you for expensive clothes, try to be compassionate—of course, not everything will be in your budget, but they aren't asking because they want you to go broke. They think of these items as essential to their wellbeing.
Navigating Back-to-School Must-Haves vs. Teens' Emotional Needs
Nixing a request for the latest-greatest Lululemon athleisure set is completely justified, particularly if you're on a budget. However, parents should be aware that it can come with real consequences for your child's social-emotional health, according to experts.
'We evolved as social beings who require belonging to thrive,' Jannot says. 'To be left out or, worse, ostracized from the tribe was a threat to one's safety and very survival. It feels the same for today's young people who use their inclusion in peer groups to help form their identity and keep them (socially) safe.'
Yeah, teens tend to be dramatic, but while it may seem like your tween's need to be on-trend is superficial, it's about acceptance. Clothing and gear in particular have become a form of social currency that helps kids feel like they belong, or that they won't stand out in the 'wrong' way, Slavens explains.
Talking to Your Teen About Why Some Asks Are Out of Bounds
But there's good news: You can absolutely balance your child's social-emotional needs and your budget — and even teach boundaries, financial literacy, and resilience in the process.
'The risk isn't in saying no,' Slavens says. 'It's in how the 'no' lands. If it comes with shame, judgment, or a lecture about 'materialism,' it can shut kids down or make them feel out of touch with their peers.' The goal instead is to say no with empathy by being curious, not critical.
Before you say no, start by asking your child why they want the item, Slavens says. 'Is it about comfort? Durability? Fitting in? Aesthetics? If the answer is 'everyone has it,' that's a valid need in the tween and teen years.'
Of course, this doesn't mean you have to buy it, but it's important to understand so you can determine what is—and isn't—worth purchasing. 'A tween who hears, 'I get why that matters to you,' is more likely to feel seen, even if the answer is still no,' Slavens adds.
More Tips for Saying 'No' Before School Starts
Once your child's motivation is clearer, you can validate how they are feeling, Jannot says. 'This sets up an opportunity for the parent and child to feel like they're on the same team and collaborate on solutions together,' she explains. Here are a few tips for doing just that.
Speak honestly about your family's budget
If an item is too expensive, experts recommend being transparent about finances. 'Parents can also give their kids spending limits or a back-to-school budget,' Jannot says. 'This helps kids to appreciate the cost of things and practice prioritizing their wants versus their needs.'
You can also encourage teens to figure out ways to finance part, or all, of more expensive items, with a part-time job or chores around the house, Jannot adds. 'This approach helps kids understand the value of money,' she says.
Consider more affordable options
Try helping your child find more affordable versions of what they want. For example, ask: 'Can we find a similar option that fits the vibe without the $150 price tag?'
Another good question to ask in this case: 'Is this something you'll use or wear regularly?' If this answer is no, it can help your child see why a cheaper option would make more sense, or at least explain to them that its impracticality is behind your decision to not purchase the item.
You can also ask your child to look for the item in question second-hand, either at thrift stores or on apps like eBay or Poshmark.
Press pause before making a decision
Jannot also recommends parents take a wait-and-see approach regarding some purchases. Teens might be inclined to ask for certain items on impulse just because they saw it on a show, or saw a friend wearing it. But if you give them some time to consider what they really want and need for the school year, the initial appeal of certain items might fade away.
'Ask your child to wait a set amount of time, whether it's a day or a week, before deciding to spend the money,' she says. 'This creates space for both the parent and child to think it over and will help children learn to delay gratification.'
Stick to your budget and values
Kids are going to be frustrated, disappointed, and maybe even angry if they don't get what they want, which is never easy for parents to witness. But stay strong—try to not give in even if they have a tantrum, but also don't withhold if you have the resources just because you think their needs are strictly materialistic.
'Children need to experience challenges, setbacks, and disappointments to build their resiliency and independence,' Jannot says, which is why 'no' may be a tough answer, but it can still bring big benefits.
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