27-05-2025
- Health
- The Herald Scotland
Forget cutting portions in takeaways - Scotland needs a stasi
However, I would encourage the Scottish Government and health authorities everywhere to grasp the edible nettle and go all full-fat on this one, if I can be permitted to use that wretched locution. And of course, just as a can of Irn Bru follows a black pudding supper, they'll get pelters from the usual suspects about this.
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In the words of the noted American singer song-writing duo Eddie Van Halen and Dave Lee Roth though, I'd urge them to roll with the punches and get to what's real.
I'd be appointing a Comestible Commissar to deliver outcomes in addressing Scotland's gluttonous tendencies. They'd be in charge of a team with emergency powers to stage spot-checks on local eateries notorious for serving ruinously large portions.
Punters who seem a bit on the stout side would be questioned about their menu choices. If they failed the calorie count they'd be given three points and their name recorded on a Scottish Government database. Ten points and they'd be required to go on a food awareness programme and have their benefits stopped.
I think, too, we should also be looking at those big hotels which offer large breakfasts to their all-inclusive guests. I'd look at a plan pioneered in the old and much-lamented German Democratic Republic.
Hotel breakfast bars were fitted with sensors which emitted a piercing wail whenever any fat bastard tried a sneak repeat visit for more sausages and hash browns. Miscreants would be huckled out and named and shamed on state television. Why do you think East Germany won so many gold medals at the Olympic Games?
In extreme cases, Russian roulette style showdowns would be staged between persistent offenders where they'd get a non-fatal electric shock if they reached for the unhealthy food options. BMI inspectors would be given special powers to swoop on families and measure their height and waists. Their children could be taken off them and placed in care.
The trick here though, is to make the anti-obesity campaign fun for all the family. Perhaps we could stage regional Hunger Games where Scotland's most deprived communities nominate the unhealthiest family in the scheme to face off against chunky opponents in a gruelling and deadly series of challenges to win food for their communities.
Every time they reach for the chips or the kebabs they face the loss of a digit. It'll trigger a debate in these neighbourhoods about good food choices and introduce some balance into their wretched lives.
And, surely, we could pilot special No-takeaway zones in places like Possilpark and Shettleston. They could be replaced by All You Can Eat lettuce and cabbage bars where families can collect tokens to put towards their winter fuel payments.
The Government could also look to those no-nonsense public information adverts which terrorised families in the 1970s. They featured children meeting a grisly end for failing to observe basic safety measures. I'm already thinking of one where screaming children are taken from their parents in dawn raids by BMI inspectors after mum and dad have failed the height and waist measurement test.
It would be accompanied by a free Helpline number (eight-nothing-eight-nothing) for children to phone if they see mum and dad trying to order a sneaky wee Just Eat curry after they've all gone to bed. Chip Pan Detector vans could start operating in the most notorious districts.
Ah yes, I hear you say, but what about responsible middle class and professional types who might get caught in a BMI swoop down at Del Piero's or The Golden Moon Chinese buffet house on a two-for-one, pre-theatre night?
I'd advise these people to keep their gym memberships and last three Park Run times about their person to exempt themselves from embarrassing full-body searches.
