Latest news with #DavidDonaldson
The Herald Scotland
08-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
A police accordion and pray as you go
The barman was clearly concerned that his customer was rapidly becoming more pickled than your average supermarket gherkin. So he quietly suggested that the barfly might want to nibble on a sandwich, or perhaps nosh a bag of nuts, thus balancing out his intake of liquids with some solids. The beer-guzzling geezer dismissed this idea with a contemptuous shake of the head, then said: 'Dinnae hink so, pal. Ye ken wit they say. Never eat on an empty stomach.' Where you at? Glasgow author Deedee Cuddihy was visiting Edinburgh and overheard a brief exchange in Princes Street between a mum and her young daughter, who was about nine or ten years old. "It's Princes Street, not Princess Street," said mum. Daughter fought back doughtily, and proclaimed: "Well, Princess Street is much nicer, and I think it should be changed." David Donaldson spotted this car parked in Westbourne Gardens. 'I imagine it belongs to a family who are more than a little pro Scottish independence,' he muses. (Image: David Donaldson) At a stretch A Dundee-based friend of Bruce Walker is romancing a gal who is based in London, so our reader asked how the long-distance relationship was progressing. Unsurprisingly, Bruce's chum replied: 'So far, so good.' Pointed question The Diary is exceedingly knowledgeable when it comes to the theatrical scene, though we've still not figured out why Godot didn't just ping over a text to explain that he'd be arriving a wee bit late. Another artsy question we're struggling with is provided by classical dance fan, Nicola Munro, who asks: 'Does a skinny ballerina wear a one-one?' Mind your language Our readers are celebrating those bright sparks who are not content with commonplace dictionary definitions, and instead prefer to use the English lingo in fresh and exotic ways. Brian Collie recalls a pal of his dad who arrived late for work then breathlessly explained to his colleagues that Renfield Street was closed as 'the polis had thrown an accordion around the building.' Communication breakdown Since Donald Trump shockingly suggested he would make an excellent Pope the Diary has been examining faith in its many guises. Ian Barnett had difficulty getting a phone signal at church last Sunday and complained to the Minister. "I get a great signal" replied the man of the cloth. "I use pray as you go" Cold comfort Munchy musings from reader Andrea Howell: 'If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?'
The Herald Scotland
22-04-2025
- Lifestyle
- The Herald Scotland
Yes, you need to be careful in the toilets these days
One day an irate parent stormed into the headmaster's office to complain that one of the teachers had called his son "a ****ing doormat". On investigation it was discovered that the teacher had said the pupil's faculties were dormant. Dry humour We mentioned that Diary reader David Donaldson was surprised to learn that his new tumble dryer had to be connected to the house Wi-Fi in order to operate. David gets back in touch to say: 'A friend has pointed out the obvious. My tumble dryer is connected to Dri-Fi.' Buttering up The wife of reader Chris Spence sometimes gets confused when repeating oft-used phrases. A few years ago the couple's married daughter was visiting and she was grumping about her husband, who rarely wanted to go out at the weekend, preferring to bide at home, watching the telly. 'Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married,' she sighed at one point. Chris's wife wasn't overly sympathetic. Shaking her head, she replied: 'Well, you've buttered your bread, now you're going to have to lie in it.' Shopping and stropping On Saturday afternoon reader Lauren Wade was clothes shopping and found herself in a swanky boutique in Glasgow's West End, where there was a rather striking, though pricey, dress on display. She tried it on and the saleswoman asked if she was going to buy it. 'To be honest,' replied Lauren, 'I'm in two minds.' The saleswoman, who had perhaps been in the job longer than was conducive to her mental wellbeing, replied: 'Two minds, eh? That's two more than most of the folk I deal with in here.' Edge lord The past was a time when people had to be brave and bold just to survive. Yearning for those daring days of yore, when adventure lurked around every corner, reader Doug Ness says: 'Older folks such as myself know all about living on the edge. We used to answer the phone without knowing who it was.' Food for thought A snippet of conversation overheard by reader Craig Anderson. An outraged woman said to her friend: 'And I told her you can't have brunch at 7pm. That's taking things too far.' Duck for cover 'When I'm buying bed linen I always make sure I purchase the best quality duck duvets,' reveals reader Robert Barker. 'In other words, I double down on double down.'
