A police accordion and pray as you go

The Herald Scotland

08-05-2025

The barman was clearly concerned that his customer was rapidly becoming more pickled than your average supermarket gherkin. So he quietly suggested that the barfly might want to nibble on a sandwich, or perhaps nosh a bag of nuts, thus balancing out his intake of liquids with some solids.
The beer-guzzling geezer dismissed this idea with a contemptuous shake of the head, then said: 'Dinnae hink so, pal. Ye ken wit they say. Never eat on an empty stomach.'
Where you at?
Glasgow author Deedee Cuddihy was visiting Edinburgh and overheard a brief exchange in Princes Street between a mum and her young daughter, who was about nine or ten years old.
"It's Princes Street, not Princess Street," said mum.
Daughter fought back doughtily, and proclaimed: "Well, Princess Street is much nicer, and I think it should be changed."
David Donaldson spotted this car parked in Westbourne Gardens. 'I imagine it belongs to a family who are more than a little pro Scottish independence,' he muses. (Image: David Donaldson)
At a stretch
A Dundee-based friend of Bruce Walker is romancing a gal who is based in London, so our reader asked how the long-distance relationship was progressing.
Unsurprisingly, Bruce's chum replied: 'So far, so good.'
Pointed question
The Diary is exceedingly knowledgeable when it comes to the theatrical scene, though we've still not figured out why Godot didn't just ping over a text to explain that he'd be arriving a wee bit late.
Another artsy question we're struggling with is provided by classical dance fan, Nicola Munro, who asks: 'Does a skinny ballerina wear a one-one?'
Mind your language
Our readers are celebrating those bright sparks who are not content with commonplace dictionary definitions, and instead prefer to use the English lingo in fresh and exotic ways.
Brian Collie recalls a pal of his dad who arrived late for work then breathlessly explained to his colleagues that Renfield Street was closed as 'the polis had thrown an accordion around the building.'
Communication breakdown
Since Donald Trump shockingly suggested he would make an excellent Pope the Diary has been examining faith in its many guises.
Ian Barnett had difficulty getting a phone signal at church last Sunday and complained to the Minister.
"I get a great signal" replied the man of the cloth. "I use pray as you go"
Cold comfort
Munchy musings from reader Andrea Howell: 'If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?'