7 days ago
When marriage, parenthood and time redraw the lines of friendship
As life changes with time - through marriage, parenthood, career shifts or aging, so do our friendships.
In Malaysia, these changes unfold differently for men and women, and across generations, but the cultural thread of connection remains strong, often woven through food, faith and community.
On a quiet evening at a mamak stall, you might spot a group of uncles chatting over kopi O or a table of young adults deep in conversation, smartphones face-down.
This simple scene, so common yet deeply rooted in Malaysian life, tells a bigger story about how friendships are shaped not just by who we are, but by the age we are, the gender we hold and the society we live in.
Dr Wan Munira Wan Jaafar, a senior lecturer at the Department of Social and Development Sciences, Faculty of Human Ecology, Universiti Putra Malaysia, explains that friendship patterns in adulthood are far from uniform.
'Gender roles significantly affect how Malaysian men and women experience these changes. For women, especially in traditional Malay, Chinese and Indian households, friendships often narrow after marriage.
'Women face greater pressure to prioritise household duties and caregiving, especially after marriage or motherhood,' she said in an interview with Sinar Daily.
In Malaysia, life changes like marriage, parenthood and career shifts shape friendships differently for men, women and generations, yet the cultural bond through food, faith and community stays strong. Photo: Edited via Canva
Friendships tend to gravitate towards community-sanctioned spaces like charity events, parenting groups or women's cooperatives. Interactions with male friends often dwindle, not from personal choice, but due to social expectations around modesty and propriety.
Men, meanwhile, have more leeway.
'Men face fewer restrictions and often sustain friendships through sports, fishing trips and alumni gatherings. These social ties tend to continue even after marriage, and society rarely judges men for maintaining them.
'But these gendered norms are slowly evolving, especially among urban Malaysians. More women are actively preserving their friendships despite juggling household and career demands.
'At the same time, a growing number of men are taking on domestic roles - changing diapers, preparing meals or managing school runs - which, in turn, reduces their time for leisure with friends,' Munira added.
Friendship is also a generational experience. Munira explained that older Malaysians grew up in an era where relationships were rooted in locality, shared rituals and collective responsibility—'gotong-royong', 'kenduri' or surau gatherings.
Their friendships were built to last and often revolved around family and community ties. Meanwhile, younger generations like Millennials and Gen Zs see friendships differently.
Their relationships are more fluid, often built on shared interests and maintained through digital spaces.
In Malaysia, life changes like marriage, parenthood and career shifts shape friendships differently for men, women and generations, yet the cultural bond through food, faith and community stays strong. Photo: Edited via Canva
'While this makes connections more adaptable to urban and mobile lifestyles, it can also mean shorter-lived ties and a reduced sense of permanence.
'For many, friendships evolve with life stages and drifting apart is no longer seen as a failure, but as a natural shift,' she mentioned.
Munira also said that technology helps bridge some gaps. In Malaysia, retirees turn to WhatsApp or Facebook to stay connected, while younger adults use Instagram, TikTok and messaging apps to keep their circles alive.
But while these tools offer convenience, they cannot fully replace real-world connections.
'Social media interactions often remain surface-level and can even deepen feelings of isolation when they substitute for real-world bonds. Seeing others post photos of vacations, weddings or success stories can unintentionally trigger a sense of being left out.
'Still, Malaysians are finding ways to reconnect. A simple meal, a cup of teh tarik or a text to say 'lama tak jumpa' can go a long way.
'In Malaysian culture, food remains a powerful social connector,' Munira said.
Rebuilding adult friendships does not require grand gestures—just presence, intention and the understanding that they will not always look like the friendships of our youth.
