Latest news with #DiaryTowers
Yahoo
02-08-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Top Trump and his Tartantastic Turnberry Golf Triumph
Junior jinxed The Diary has been reporting on Donald Trump's magisterial visit to Scotland, where the great, the good and the genuflecting arrived at his Turnberry compound, then queued in a long line to ask the American President if he could recommend a decent sand wedge to use on the golf course. Or perhaps they were there to plead for a sympathetic tariff arrangement. Such abject grovelling reminds us of the arrangement at Diary Towers, where every morning our gang of craven reporters crawls on hands and knees into the Editor's office to have their orders for the day barked at them from across the Supreme Leader's desk. This can be a tad humiliating, as you can imagine, though it suits the Diary's 106-year-old copyboy, Junior, who can't walk upright any more, ever since that last operation when he got his knees replaced, his hips replaced, his ankle bones replaced and all of his spine. (We hear rumours that the surgeon who undertook the procedure gave the spine to his son as a birthday present, telling him it was a xylophone.) Gone are the days when Junior was a mere stripling of a lad, aged 105, and would scoot into the office on his skateboard. Still, there are many pleasures remaining to him, such as helping to compile the following classic tales from our archives… The Graduate We recall a prison English teacher who once asked if the class knew what a sentence was. Another teacher in East Ayrshire asked a pupil what his big brother, who she had previously taught, was doing. 'Six months,' came the replay. Spend, spend, spend A Hamilton T-shirt printers had a customer who requested a shirt made for his wife who had recently returned from New York, and a hefty credit card bill had ensued. He asked for a shirt with the usual "I Love NY" on the front, and on the back "Veni, Vidi, Visa", roughly translated as 'I came, I saw, I spent'. Petals and petting A reader was in an Edinburgh florist shop and spotted a chap ordering a large bouquet. The florist wrote down the message he wanted on the card, then thinking of a final flourish to add, asked: 'Will you want kisses?' 'I'll be expecting a lot more than that,' the chap replied. Brought to book We always assumed that an author signing a book added to its value for the reader. Not so in Glasgow's Waterstone's in Sauchiehall Street, where one of our correspondents watched as an elderly woman picked up a signed novel, only for her helpful friend to tell her: 'Don't get that one. Someone's written on it.' Cutting comment 'He must be great at his job,' said a young lad staring in the window of a key- cutting shop in Glasgow. 'Look at all the trophies he's got.'
The Herald Scotland
02-08-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Top Trump and his Tartantastic Turnberry Golf Triumph
Or perhaps they were there to plead for a sympathetic tariff arrangement. Such abject grovelling reminds us of the arrangement at Diary Towers, where every morning our gang of craven reporters crawls on hands and knees into the Editor's office to have their orders for the day barked at them from across the Supreme Leader's desk. This can be a tad humiliating, as you can imagine, though it suits the Diary's 106-year-old copyboy, Junior, who can't walk upright any more, ever since that last operation when he got his knees replaced, his hips replaced, his ankle bones replaced and all of his spine. (We hear rumours that the surgeon who undertook the procedure gave the spine to his son as a birthday present, telling him it was a xylophone.) Gone are the days when Junior was a mere stripling of a lad, aged 105, and would scoot into the office on his skateboard. Still, there are many pleasures remaining to him, such as helping to compile the following classic tales from our archives… The Graduate We recall a prison English teacher who once asked if the class knew what a sentence was. Another teacher in East Ayrshire asked a pupil what his big brother, who she had previously taught, was doing. 'Six months,' came the replay. Spend, spend, spend A Hamilton T-shirt printers had a customer who requested a shirt made for his wife who had recently returned from New York, and a hefty credit card bill had ensued. He asked for a shirt with the usual "I Love NY" on the front, and on the back "Veni, Vidi, Visa", roughly translated as 'I came, I saw, I spent'. Petals and petting A reader was in an Edinburgh florist shop and spotted a chap ordering a large bouquet. The florist wrote down the message he wanted on the card, then thinking of a final flourish to add, asked: 'Will you want kisses?' 'I'll be expecting a lot more than that,' the chap replied. Brought to book We always assumed that an author signing a book added to its value for the reader. Not so in Glasgow's Waterstone's in Sauchiehall Street, where one of our correspondents watched as an elderly woman picked up a signed novel, only for her helpful friend to tell her: 'Don't get that one. Someone's written on it.' Cutting comment 'He must be great at his job,' said a young lad staring in the window of a key- cutting shop in Glasgow. 'Look at all the trophies he's got.'
The Herald Scotland
24-06-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
A wife's end game when it came to a new suit for hubby
Much swankier than an evening spent at Dodgy Dave's Liccur Shak, the boozer most favoured by the minions working at Diary Towers. Unlike Dodgy Dave's, the Garden Party, which takes place in the grounds of Holyrood Palace, has a strict dress code. (Dodgy Dave's does have a dress code, of sorts. Dave doesn't mind blood stains on his patron's clothing, though he insists that those same patrons keep their cudgels and garrots tucked away in pockets or swag bags, rather than clutched in mitts. Mitts are for holding pint pots, and nothing else, says Dave.) Anyway, back to the Garden Party. Chris Robertson used to work in Glasgow's favourite clothing emporium, Slater Menswear, and an elderly couple once arrived, the wife proud and excited, hubby surly, and essentially dragged into the premises by the corner of one lug. The wife explained that she and her other half had Garden Party invites, so she was keen to get hubby booted and suited for the Big Day. 'I want something cheap,' interrupted hubby, 'cos I'll only be wearin' it the wance.' 'Och, dinnae say that, Jim,' replied his wife. 'I can bury ye in it, tae.' Man's a meh More marital harmony. 'The other day my wife told me I was like her morning slice of toast,' says reader Andy Wright. Andy thought this was rather sweet, until his wife explained: 'I couldn't live without you, though I don't find you particularly exciting, either.' David Clark says that this is a very saucy sauce, indeed. (Image: Contributed) Mean about greens 'Kale is so versatile,' says food-loving reader Ben Gates. 'It fits into any size bin.' Testing times The teenage daughter of Mike Hall is learning to drive, and is currently studying the questions she'll be asked in her Theory Test. Mike says it's a pity all the questions are practical, rather than philosophical in nature, and he'd like to see the following added… Question 1: You are learning HOW to drive. But WHY do you drive? Question 2: Is a three-wheeled vehicle a motorcycle or a car? Or something else entirely? Men without hats There was an Orange March in Glasgow on Sunday, and Liz Clifford was watching the spectacle in the murk and rain when a chap next to her glanced up at the grubby sky, then said: 'Dunno why they don't swap their bowler hats for brollies. Much more practical.' Popmobile Wheeler-dealer Peter Swain says: 'I bought a sweet car online that was previously owned by Neil Diamond.'
The Herald Scotland
14-06-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Father's Day: When we pretend that dads are just as important as mums
Then on Monday it's back to factory settings, with mum on the throne and dad most likely on his way to the pub, mobile phone switched off so that none of the kids can nag him while he's knocking back whiskies and chomping salted peanuts. As our readers know, the Diary is commanded by a paternalistic figure grandly referred to as The Editor, or sometimes (behind his back) Ol' Big Ed. He's definitely a fatherly kind of chap, though admittedly the sort of entrepreneurial Victorian father who only raises sprogs so he can make a few extra pounds stuffing them up chimneys and down mines. It's true that Ol' Big Ed can be harsh, cruel and unforgiving, and that he forces his reporters to regularly polish his shoes (usually with their tongues). On the other hand, he provides essential training in the skills of bowing and scraping. Our reporters also become much fitter under his tutelage, and improve their reaction times, as they learn to dodge the many missiles launched from the Editor's desk. (The stationary that lurks on the Editor's desk never stays stationary for very long.) Best of all, working in the fatherly atmosphere of Diary Towers, our minions learn to identify great stories, as you'll now discover, when you read the following classic tales from our archives… Sign of the times Spotted in the sightseeing heart of Rome: a café with a definite Scottish influence. The windows boasted two hand-written signs. The first read: 'Tea is served here', and the other, much more prominent suggested, 'Skip the Trevi, have a bevvy.' Mind your language A return to the murky waters of the malapropism. A Diary reader recalled a colleague at a staff meeting who urged that everyone should be 'singing from the same spreadsheet'. This same fellow also admitted that on one issue he was 'a bit of a doubting Joseph'. Fractionally flawed A Glaswegian was overheard dispensing a pearl of wisdom to a friend: 'Och, it's aw much ae a muchness, hen. Six o' wan and two-thirds o' the other…' Read more: Finding yourself in one of Glasgow's less than salubrious watering holes Price is right? The scene was the Glasgow to Aberdeen train, where a traveller was feeling peckish and was tempted by a banana muffin. But wary of the high prices of items on rail buffet trolleys, he asked the girl: 'Are these muffins exorbitant?' 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I've never tasted them.' Colour-coded cock-up A contestant on TV quiz show Family Fortunes was asked to name something in the garden that is green. The genius promptly answered: 'My shed.' Food for thought A curious reader once asked: 'If bacon and smoking are both considered bad for the health, how does smoking cure bacon?'
