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Revealed: The 2 compliments you should NEVER say to your partner
Revealed: The 2 compliments you should NEVER say to your partner

Daily Mail​

time4 days ago

  • Health
  • Daily Mail​

Revealed: The 2 compliments you should NEVER say to your partner

Whether it's 'you look beautiful' or 'you're such a great cook', it's usually nice to receive a compliment from your partner. However, if you want a happy relationship, there are two phrases you should steer clear of. At a surface level, these phrases sound fairly harmless. But, they may unintentionally serve to 'instruct' rather than 'affirm', an expert has warned. Dr Mark Travers, an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder, said people probably say them without realising the potential negative consequences. 'Compliments can be disarming. They make us feel chosen and understood in ways that other words rarely do,' he explained. 'But sometimes, the praise that feels the most flattering is also the praise that teaches us to edit ourselves.' So, are you guilty of saying either compliment to your partner? 'HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS SO CALM?' 'This is a praise that can be used to reward emotional silence, not emotional strength,' Dr Travers wrote on Psychology Today. He explained that while it might sound like a genuine compliment at first, it may be a reflection of how relieved you are that your partner did not have an emotional reaction. As a result, a person could feel 'implicitly incentivised to perform that calmness' even when they are hurting, he said. 'When emotional suppression is praised in adult relationships, it reinforces the message that your worth lies in being agreeable and low-maintenance,' he said. It could mean your partner may try to appear calm, even in moments of deep hurt, because that role has previously been rewarded, he added. 'YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I CAN TALK TO' Saying this to your partner can make them feel responsible for your emotional regulation, Dr Travers warned. While it may seem like the highest form of trust, it can be 'less about connection and more about emotional dependency'. He referenced a previous study on 'emotionships' that found people experience better mental health when they turn to different individuals for different emotional needs. For example, having one friend who can calm your anxiety while another friend is who you turn to if you need a vent. 'This diversity in emotional support leads to greater wellbeing, because no single relationship is overloaded with the task of holding it all,' Dr Travers said. If you tell someone they're the only person you can talk to, it creates an 'unspoken pressure to be endlessly available' and a sense of 'emotional obligation', he added. Dr Travers previously revealed three nicknames that could indicate your relationship is doomed to fail. These include 'Babe', 'Sweetheart' and 'Angel', and can act as 'emotional wallpaper' for deeper issues. Pet names can simulate intimacy before it's truly earned, can dismiss someone's worries rather than dealing with them, and deflect the real issue rather than resolve it. WHEN YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER Kale Monk, assistant professor of human development and family science at University of Missouri says on-off relationships are associated with higher rates of abuse, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment. People in these kinds of relationships should make informed decisions about either staying together once and for all or terminating their relationship. Here are his top five tips to work out whether it's the right time to end your relationship – 1. When considering rekindling a relationship that ended or avoiding future breakups, partners should think about the reasons they broke up to determine if there are consistent or persistent issues impacting the relationship. 2. Having explicit conversations about issues that have led to break ups can be helpful, especially if the issues will likely reoccur. If there was ever violence in the relationship, however, or if having a conversation about relationship issues can lead to safety concerns, consider seeking support-services when it is safe to do so. 3. Similar to thinking about the reasons the relationship ended, spend time thinking about the reasons why reconciliation might be an option. Is the reason rooted in commitment and positive feelings, or more about obligations and convenience? The latter reasons are more likely to lead down a path of continual distress. 4. Remember that it is okay to end a toxic relationship. For example, if your relationship is beyond repair, do not feel guilty leaving for your mental or physical well-being. 5. Couples therapy or relationship counselling is not just for partners on the brink of divorce. Even happy dating and married couples can benefit from 'relationship check-ups' in order to strengthen the connection between partners and have additional support in approaching relationship transitions.

Revealed: The 3 nicknames that mean your relationship is doomed to fail - so, are YOU guilty of using them?
Revealed: The 3 nicknames that mean your relationship is doomed to fail - so, are YOU guilty of using them?

Daily Mail​

time05-07-2025

  • Health
  • Daily Mail​

Revealed: The 3 nicknames that mean your relationship is doomed to fail - so, are YOU guilty of using them?

Whether its 'snookums', 'cutie patootie' or 'babycakes', many couples have pet names they call each other behind closed doors. But three nicknames could mean your relationship is doomed to fail, an expert has warned. While some monikers convey warmth, reassurance and affection, others can act as 'emotional wallpaper'. Dr Mark Travers, an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder, has revealed the names that should be ringing alarm bells. BABY/BABE 'Being called "baby" or "babe" early on in a relationship can feel comforting, but that sense of warmth can be misleading,' he wrote on Psychology Today. He warned pet names like this can simulate intimacy before it's truly earned. 'Affectionate language triggers oxytocin, the brain's bonding hormone, which makes us feel emotionally close even in the absence of trust or consistency. You may start to feel attached to someone who's never actually shown you their emotional world,' he said. SWEETHEART The nickname 'sweetheart' could also be used as a way to dismiss your worries rather than dealing with them, he explained. 'Instead of engaging with your concerns, a partner might respond with: "You overthink everything, sweetheart. Don't worry that pretty head of yours,"' he said. 'These responses may sound affectionate, but they can make you feel like you're overreacting for even bringing something up. 'Essentially, they minimize your emotions and shift the focus away from the issue at hand.' This is a form of 'emotional infantilisation', he added – treating you as if you're too irrational or too fragile to be taken seriously. Previous studies have found that this kind of infantilisation – especially in conjunction with affectionate language – was the strongest predictor of negative mental health outcomes. He suggested asking yourself if nicknames show up most when you express discomfort or your needs – or if affection is being used to avoid real emotional work. ANGEL Pet names can sometimes be used to deflect the real issue rather than resolve it, Dr Travers said. 'After a conflict, instead of addressing the issue, there might be a flood of endearments,' he said. For example, 'Angel, don't be mad'. 'These words may sound sweet, but they often act as emotional distractions, soothing the partner's discomfort rather than engaging with real underlying problems,' he explained. 'This is also called emotional appeasement—using affection to avoid emotional responsibility.' He warned that while pet names may provide temporary emotional relief, they can 'sidestep the deeper work required to build genuine intimacy'. However, he added: 'Not all pet names are manipulative. 'In fact, in emotionally healthy relationships, they often reflect genuine affection and tenderness and can even help de-escalate tension. 'The key difference lies in intention and timing.' WHEN YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER Kale Monk, assistant professor of human development and family science at University of Missouri says on-off relationships are associated with higher rates of abuse, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment. People in these kinds of relationships should make informed decisions about either staying together once and for all or terminating their relationship. Here are his top five tips to work out whether it's the right time to end your relationship – 1. When considering rekindling a relationship that ended or avoiding future breakups, partners should think about the reasons they broke up to determine if there are consistent or persistent issues impacting the relationship. 2. Having explicit conversations about issues that have led to break ups can be helpful, especially if the issues will likely reoccur. If there was ever violence in the relationship, however, or if having a conversation about relationship issues can lead to safety concerns, consider seeking support-services when it is safe to do so. 3. Similar to thinking about the reasons the relationship ended, spend time thinking about the reasons why reconciliation might be an option. Is the reason rooted in commitment and positive feelings, or more about obligations and convenience? The latter reasons are more likely to lead down a path of continual distress. 4. Remember that it is okay to end a toxic relationship. For example, if your relationship is beyond repair, do not feel guilty leaving for your mental or physical well-being. 5. Couples therapy or relationship counselling is not just for partners on the brink of divorce. Even happy dating and married couples can benefit from 'relationship check-ups' in order to strengthen the connection between partners and have additional support in approaching relationship transitions.

The toxic but common phrase that's guaranteed to eventually end your relationship, according to a psychologist
The toxic but common phrase that's guaranteed to eventually end your relationship, according to a psychologist

The Sun

time16-05-2025

  • General
  • The Sun

The toxic but common phrase that's guaranteed to eventually end your relationship, according to a psychologist

ROWS. Clashes. Conflict. Disputes. Whatever you call arguments, every relationship has them. But your fighting style could directly impact how successful your romance is, especially if you hurl a particularly common but toxic phrase into the mix, warns one psychologist. Many couples admitted to saying the statement, or had it directed at them, before their relationship broke down, according to relationship psychologist Dr Mark Travers. The expert often speaks to couples who are having unrelenting spats at home - and he finds that when he digs deeper, there is always a root cause. Arguments are most often linked to one partner comparing their relationship or life to someone else's, Dr Travers explained. 'There's one phrase I've seen come up in these exchanges that's more damaging than you think: 'Why can't you be more like [insert other person's name]?',' he wrote for CNBC Make It. This is what the psychologist calls the 'death-by-comparison' effect and it leads to 'irreparable insecurity issues' over time. He believes that it is an obvious indication that your relationship is in trouble, no matter how confident you are you could make it out of the bad patch. He said: 'The real message will always remain the same: 'You're not enough, and someone else - anyone else - could do a better job at being my partner'.' Dr Travers continued that it is important to communicate our needs in relationships = 'clearly, without shame or comparison'. And the more secure a person feels in their relationship, the more likely they are to communicate directly. He said: 'Relationships require the willingness to love each other as real, flawed, irreplaceable humans - not as comparisons to someone else.' Your sex life could also indicate that you're heading for divorce, another relationship expert told The Sun. Shockingly, nearly nine in 10 couples feel like they're not getting enough, according to a recent study. According to Kate Taylor, a relationship and sex expert, your sex life can be a powerful indicator of your overall relationship health. But how little is too little? And when does a dry spell become a red flag for your relationship and marriage? She said: 'If you're worried about your relationship, start by looking at your sex life. 'There are certain signs in the bedroom that suggest all is not well and a divorce may be on the horizon.' Among these is doing it less than once a month, never orgasming and sex feeling like a chore. Only getting heated between the sheets after 10pm is a bad sign too, Taylor warned.

I'm a psychologist - if you say this toxic phrase to your partner it will destroy your relationship
I'm a psychologist - if you say this toxic phrase to your partner it will destroy your relationship

Daily Mail​

time16-05-2025

  • General
  • Daily Mail​

I'm a psychologist - if you say this toxic phrase to your partner it will destroy your relationship

A psychologist has warned that couples could ruin their relationship by saying this 'toxic' phrase. Dr Mark Travers, who specialises in relationship psychology, claimed many couples admitted to saying these statement, or had it directed at them, before their relationship broke down. The American psychologist, who has a degree from Cornell University, claimed he often speaks to couples who are having frequent fights or arguments, and when he digs deeper there is always a root cause. He added that this is most often linked to one partner comparing their relationship or life to someone else's. Writing for CNBC Make It, he said: 'There's one phrase I've seen come up in these exchanges that's more damaging than you think: "Why can't you be more like [insert other person's name]?".' Dr Travers calls this the 'death-by-comparison' effect – as it's an obvious indication that your relationship is in trouble or on its last legs. He explained: 'The real message will always remain the same: 'You're not enough, and someone else - anyone else - could do a better job at being my partner.' Dr Travers claimed that this communication can lead to 'irreparable insecurity issues' over time. He revealed it is important to communicate what we need in relationships, or from our partners 'clearly, without shame or comparison.' However, the expert claimed that the more secure a person feels in their relationship, the more likely they are to communicate directly. Dr Travers suggested you should ask yourself first what you really need from your partner and rephrase the question. He said: 'Relationships require the willingness to love each other as real, flawed, irreplaceable humans - not as comparisons to someone else.' It comes after another psychologist revealed the 12 signs that it's time to end your relationship. MailOnline spoke to UK-based human behaviour expert and former psychological nurse Jessen James about the red flags that your relationship may be on the rocks. He says this could be anything, from feeling emotionally detached from your partner to having the same big argument time after time, and feeling frustrated when you're not listened to. 'You must be able to openly communicate and discuss conflicts without it causing another argument,' explained the expert. Emotional detachment Jessen says that feeling emotionally detached from a partner is one of the 'biggest sure-fire signs' that you need to assess your relationship. He said that it is not about 'going cold' on somebody but rather when your psychological need to be emotionally dependent on your partner disconnects. 'At the end of the day, relationships mean you are a team and have a special bond together. When emotional detachment is at play, this critical element of a successful relationship comes under threat,' the expert said. 'From a psychological perspective, understanding whether emotional detachment is situational or a deeper pattern is crucial for addressing relationship challenges. 'It might leave you thinking - if you can't break the cycle, more is going on, and it might be time for a breakup.' However, it is important to establish whether this is for a reason outside of your relationship, such as stress from work or lifestyle factors, or if it is a persistent pattern. Growing resentment Jessen said if you're increasingly feeling as though you have conflicted feelings about your partner, then it's time to consider a break up. He said: 'The human mind is a complex thing, and even though you may have strong feelings of resentment, you can still love that person, so it can be a very, very complex situation. 'Resentment doesn't just go away on its own - the root cause needs to be addressed and openly communicated to see if it is something you can forgive - don't suppress your feelings.' He added that it is key to acknowledge your feelings and identify where this resentment may come from. Your success triggers tension If you feel as though you can't speak about your work wins or promotions because of tensions at home, this may be another sign that the relationship is not working out. The psychologist expert said: 'Humans are competitive by nature and it's normal to try and compete with each other, but healthy relationships should be about sharing and celebrating each other's successes like they are your own. 'Without this, one can only wonder - why are you worried and apprehensive about sharing your successes? Maybe your partner feels intimidated, worried that you will become more independent and have more outside influence - these are concerning thoughts. 'If the latter rings true, then you really must assess whether you are being held back and put down for a reason. And if tensions are triggered, ask yourself the all-important question of whether it's time to split up.' You have the same big argument again and again If you continue to have unresolved issues with your partner, Jessen said it can affect your mental health. 'You must be able to openly communicate and discuss these conflicts without it causing another argument,' he added. 'If you keep falling back into the same trap and feel like you are on a hamster wheel after trying to resolve your differences, ask yourself whether the relationship is serving you both and if not, perhaps it is time to go your separate ways amicably. You fantasise about life without them While one may dream about a celebrity crush from time to time, fantasising about what life would be like without them is a red flag that it's time to reevaluate whether your partner is right for you. Jessen said: 'Your mind is trying to tell you something. Either unconsciously or consciously, perhaps you desire to not be in the relationship, or a relationship with them. 'Trying to figure this out on your own in your own time - perhaps talking to a trusted confidant or seeking a professional who can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings - can help you understand what it is you really want, and if moving on is what you truly desire.' You still hope they will change If you're sticking around and hoping they will change, you may be clinging on to old memories which will delay you from moving on with your life, says Jessen. He added: 'Believe it or not, our brains seek out the good in people - this is how our brains are naturally wired. This is why we believe in hope. Humanity seeks purpose, so this yearning that your partner will change is simply human nature. 'But are your expectations in check, or are you simply a bit delusional and need to move on?' Jessen said that you need to love the person for who they are, not how you want them to be or how you want them to behave. He explained: 'If you can't accept someone for who they are, move on. This is particularly true if boundaries get crossed and they promise they will change, and you believe they will, but unhealthy patterns keep persisting. This is a big warning sign that you need to move on.' You feel more like your old self when they aren't around Jessen said that if you feel more like who you used to be before they came into your life, then this could be another red flag that you need to break up with them. 'If you notice you simply can't be yourself, struggle to relax, feel like you're walking on eggshells or worried you will make a mistake, and it is a repeated pattern, then this is not good for your long-term wellbeing,' he said. 'If those close to you are telling you that you don't seem like your old self, ask yourself why this is. 'If the reasoning is that your partner's presence is causing these feelings, it's important to reflect on whether the relationship is truly supporting your growth and happiness.' Their little habits make you shudder If you find yourself getting the ick over your partner's daily habits, this could be down to communication issues, says Jessen. However, he explained that only you can decide whether you can overlook these issues or whether they are a 'deal breaker'. Jessen said: 'Try and be objective here and don't get worked up so easily over a quirky habit, but of course, if the habit is unhealthy, then this is something that needs addressing with real communication.' 'If the habit is something minor but gives you the ick, then it might be time to wonder whether you have moved on emotionally and need to break up. 'If you find yourself getting more annoyed by their little habits, it might be a sign that there are deeper issues in the relationship and it's time to say goodbye.' Constantly overthinking your relationship Finding yourself obsessing over your relationship and constantly thinking about it could be a warning sign that something is not right. Jessen said: 'Relationships should provide a sense of security and comfort and not a never-ending cycle of overthinking that leaves you feeling anxious, uncertain, or confused. This ongoing doubt could suggest a deeper issue, so definitely don't ignore it.' Constantly distracted The human behaviour expert said that zoning out during chats, daydreaming about being single, using your phone as a constant barrier, or focusing on other people could be signs that your partner is no longer right for you. This could also mean taking up more hobbies, or deliberately working more, which is called avoidance in psychological terms. 'If you are more interested in everything else besides your partner, it's time to really think about whether this relationship is still right for you,' he said. 'It's very important to ask yourself what it is in your life that's causing you to be distracted. Are there genuine career pressures that you are dealing with right now, and is it just a crazy busy period that is causing you or even your partner to be distracted at home? 'This is a trap that many successful, career-driven people find themselves in, which can implode a relationship.' Jessen recommends seeing if you can find some more balance in your life, but not to avoid the inevitable if you need to end a relationship that is no longer functional. You no longer feel supported Relationships and partners can provide much support and it can feel like a shock to the system if you suddenly no longer feel like you have someone to confide in. Jessen said: 'If you feel like you're carrying the weight of the relationship alone and your partner always seems to be more interested in themselves than you, question your future together. Relationships should be a two-way street at the end of the day. 'So, if the support is always one-sided, it might indicate a deeper disconnection between you both. ' You avoid important conversations If you actively avoid having hard but important conversations with your partner, it can signal serious problems and is a red flag, according to Jessen. It can end up leading to unresolved problems further down the line. He said: 'If you find yourself hesitating to bring something up, or when you do, your attempt [fails], it's definitely time to assess if your relationship is something that will last. 'At the end of the day, remember, open communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and if that's missing, it may be time to break up if you can't chat openly and honestly together.'

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