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Business Insider
2 days ago
- Business
- Business Insider
It's hard to say 'no' at work. Etiquette experts told us how to get better at it.
"That's above my pay grade." It's often said as a joke, sure, but it could also be a real response to one of the biggest challenges many workers face on the job: How to say no. Many people have experienced "job creep," where they're gradually given more and more responsibilities, or are otherwise asked to do work they simply don't have time for. Tactfully declining seems like the obvious solution, but it's easier said than done. "People don't know how to say no," etiquette expert Lizzie Post of the Emily Post Institute told Business Insider. "If you talk about the high-level business advice, the people that excel, the super achievers, the A-list CEOs and entrepreneurs, they will all tell you that their day is a thousand nos and one yes," fellow etiquette expert Daniel Post Senning added. "Your capacity to say no is a professional skill as well as a social and personal skill." The experts' book, " Emily Post's Business Etiquette," went on sale May 20 and covers how to politely decline in various business-related situations. They shared with BI some additional tips for doing so. These aren't one-and-done solutions. But they can help you get more comfortable with saying no and setting boundaries at work. It's easier when it's an immediate or shorter-term ask and you can deflect with a fast-approaching deadline for another project. "It's a lot harder when you start to get asked to do much more than the job you were hired for, and the expectation is just that you're going to do it and take it on because the company needs you to," said Post. "I have seen numerous friends go through this where they say, 'I'm all of a sudden doing the job of three people and I still only have the salary I started with.'" In those cases, the best advice is to "really spell it out," Post said. "The only thing you can do is encourage that person to speak up to their employer about it and to talk about it in a real sense of 'I am experiencing burnout' or 'The work quality would really start to diminish,'" she said. "Come prepared to talk about why it's overwhelming and why you don't have enough time to make this happen." Beforehand, consider "doing an honest assessment" of your track record when saying no, Post Senning said. What specifically do you struggle with, and what do you tend to fall back on? What could you do better? When preparing for and actually having the conversation, pay attention to your emotions to keep them in check. "Separating the emotional fight-or-flight response — that's your reaction to the stress of what's happening — from the way that you respond to the person is a really important part of good etiquette," Post Senning said. "The difference between 'No, I can't believe you asked me to do that' and 'I'd like to sit down and talk with you about my workload' is huge." It can help to remind a colleague what's on your plate and explain that you'd only be able to take on a new task if you deprioritized other assignments. Some people might benefit from mentally reframing these conversations. Instead of viewing it as rejecting a colleague's request, you can think of it as setting boundaries to build sustainable work habits. "It's an important professional skill," said Post Senning. "It's an important part of communication, particularly for the benefit of the people around you."
CNBC
3 days ago
- Lifestyle
- CNBC
Office dress codes are more confusing than ever—etiquette experts and stylish dressers offer their best advice
The question of "what do I wear to work?" has never been this hard to answer. The pandemic made it normal to wear pajamas and sweats while working from home, and casual dress followed workers as they returned to offices over the years. Naturally, corners of the internet have since lit up in debate over the appropriateness of crop tops, shorts and office sirens in the workplace. Social media, the internet and everyone you talk to will have a different idea of what appropriate workwear is. Your personal work style will also depend on the type of job you have, the company you work for, your general industry and what city you live in. To give some general rules of thumb, CNBC Make It spoke with etiquette experts and stylish office workers for their best advice on how to figure out what to wear to the office right now: If you're new to a workplace and not sure what to wear, observe how your colleagues dress, or straight out ask them for advice on what to wear, says Carla Shellis, 55, an etiquette expert in Dallas. Ask if there are exceptions to certain standards, like whether it's OK to wear athleisure on casual Fridays, or when to opt for a suit when clients are in for meetings. You might also have to tailor your wardrobe based on the actual temperature of the office. Dominique Bird, 31, works a sales job in Austin and documents her "corporate goth" outfits on social media. (She credits LA-based content creator Mars Chasolen, known as online, as inspiration.) Bird says it's important to wear light layers to get through the Texas heat. She sticks to classic silhouettes of dress shirts, long skirts and trousers but swaps out heavier fabrics for cotton and linen for summer. Then, in the air-conditioned office, she always has a sweater, blazer or blanket handy. See dressing for work as "an opportunity, not an obligation," says Daniel Post Senning, 47, etiquette expert of the Emily Post Institute. Putting just a little bit of work to look put together can help you stand out and make people trust and respect you, he says: "People can see your effort and attention." It's OK, and sometimes more fun, to be overdressed. That's the case for Bird, who says many of her colleagues show up to work in cargo pants and flip flops, and joke that she's overdressed for the occasion. "When you show up as yourself, you show up stronger," Bird says. "That's going to help you combat things like imposter syndrome, stand out for the right reasons, and for me personally, take up space in a male-dominated industry." Of course, there are limits to wearing what you want at work: "That self-expression should never come at the expense of your ability to support yourself," Bird says. In other words, don't let your clothes threaten your job security. She doesn't agree with dress codes that focus on prohibiting "distracting" clothes at the office, which tend to police women's bodies more than men's, Bird says. "I think telling women that certain things that they wear is distracting is rooted in sexism," she says. Instead, she prefers think about "appropriateness for the job," she says. For example, if you work in IT and have to crawl under tables to wire equipment, pants might be a better idea than trying to move around in a skirt, Bird says. Ultimately, "there is a way to express yourself without breaking the quote-unquote 'rules,'" she says. Dressing sharply doesn't have to be expensive, says Post Senning, as long as your attire fits your office environment and your body. Regardless of your wardrobe budget or office formality, make an effort to look tidy, whether you're wearing a suit or jeans and sneakers, Shellis says. That means ironing your garments, making sure there aren't any holes or frayed threads, and keeping your shoes clean. "I'm a huge believer that you can have a $2,000 outfit on, but if you have bad shoes, you've just ruined the whole look," Shellis says. If you wouldn't wear something to a family function with grandma and grandpa, don't wear it to the office, says Meghna Bhalla, 26, who works in strategy at a tech company in Toronto and talks about work culture on social media. Another guideline is to consider if you'd feel appropriately dressed if you were suddenly called into a meeting with your manager, she adds. It's better to err on the side of caution and dress more conservatively, at least as you're starting in a new office and still getting a lay of the land. "I hate to say it, but people are going to talk about your outfits if you don't dress the way you should," Bhalla says. Overall, ask yourself about the brand you want to portray in the workplace, Bhalla says. It's not just about how well you do the job, she says, but also how you dress, how you present yourself, how you speak to others and what time you show up to the office. "Do really well," she says, "and let your work speak for you, not your outfit." ,
Time Magazine
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- Time Magazine
The Worst Way to Reply to a Party Invite
There are two straightforward—and simple—ways to respond to social invitations: Tell the host you'll be there, or that you won't be. Yet people find all kinds of offensive ways to reply instead. The worst one of all is becoming increasingly common, especially by text, says Jamila Musayeva, an etiquette coach who posts videos about modern manners on YouTube. She's lost track of the number of times someone has responded to an invite by asking who else will be there—which is code for questioning whether it's actually going to be any fun. (It's even more insulting than asking what kind of food will be served.) 'It's usually like, 'I won't come unless there's someone there I want to see,'' she says. 'It's degrading the whole experience to just wanting to hang out with one person,' or a specific group of potential guests who are…not the person issuing the invite. No wonder hosts take this kind of response personally. Musayeva equates it to saying: 'You're not interesting; I don't want to be entertained by you. I'm more interested in who's coming.' If the guest list doesn't impress, no big deal—a better offer likely awaits. 'It's definitely something you should never, ever say,' she says. If you must find out who's going in advance, do some subtle research on the side: Maybe send a private message to a friend and ask if they're privy to any additional details about the party. Just make sure that detective work doesn't travel back to the host. When RSVPs go MIA Implying that there's more fun to be had elsewhere isn't the only way you can botch your response to a social invitation. Being super vague about your plans—'Maybe I'll stop by'—or not bothering to respond at all puts the host in a tough spot, and will likely get you kicked off future invite lists. 'When you RSVP 'no,' you're doing the host a favor,' says etiquette teacher Lisa Mirza Grotts. 'Clarity is kinder than a 'maybe.'' If you're truly not sure if you can make an event, she suggests wording your response like this: 'I'd love to come, but I know what it's like to be a host, and I know you need answers. I don't want to leave you hanging.' See how your friend responds, Grotts says: They might tell you they don't mind if you play it by ear, or agree that it's best to count you out this time so they can finalize the catering order. Either way, you'll be on the same page, and no one will be waiting around, unable to sort out plans. Another way to avoid the infuriating question-mark response is to specify exactly when you'll get back to the host, even if they didn't mention an RSVP date. If a neighbor asks your family to come over for a cookout, for example, you might respond: 'Hey, could I get back to you on Friday?' 'Now your host knows they can check in with you on Saturday if they haven't heard from you by Friday,' says etiquette expert Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute. 'You've talked about it, you've had a little exchange, you've acknowledged it. Acknowledgement is such a huge part of playing a good guest, even when you're just in the role of being invited and aren't even at the party yet.' The way you treat an invitation speaks to how much you value your relationships. As Post says, an invite to watch the game, grab a drink, or attend a dinner party is someone's way of asking if you want to spend time together. 'Even if your true, internal reaction is that no, you really wouldn't like to, it is so nice that someone out in the world wants to spend time with you,' she says. Post suggests putting yourself in the host's shoes and proceeding with what she considers the three principles of etiquette: consideration, respect, and honesty. 'It's important to recognize that you would want people to get back to you in a timely fashion, so get back to your host in a timely fashion,' she says. 'We should treat our invitations with care, because they're the start of what connects us. They're the beginning of the way we create community.'
Time Magazine
28-05-2025
- General
- Time Magazine
8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation
When you get invited to a wedding or a party, 'yes' might feel like the only socially acceptable response. If your RSVP is something short of that, you might put off responding at all—or stumble into a response that's unintentionally rude. 'We're raised to be polite or not rock the boat and to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and yet in trying to be nice, we end up being vague and unclear and often more hurtful than if we were just candid,' says Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator and author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. 'There are so many ways to decline with grace, but instead of saying we'd rather not, we flake, or we're ambivalent and say 'maybe,' which is horrible for the host.' When opting out of a gathering, Parker recommends following this formula: acknowledge the invitation; honor something about it, like the host's creativity or vision; express gratitude for the fact that they thought of you; and then clearly decline, without putting the weight of your reasons on the person inviting you. Here's what that might look like in action. 'That sounds like such a great time. I can't be there, but thank you so much for the invitation.' If you can't swing an event, say so confidently and directly: "What a lovely invitation! Thanks for thinking of me.' 'All invitations are nice, even if you don't want them,' says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute (and great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post). That said, 'You have the agency to decline them. They're requests, not demands—they're hopeful wishes.' 'Unfortunately, the timing just doesn't work out on that exact weekend—but we're so touched you invited us.' Instead of sticking to a simple 'yes' or 'no,' some people turn their RSVP into a soliloquy about why they can't attend. Parker recently heard from a woman who, while planning a 30th wedding anniversary celebration, received a surprising number of emails from invitees who weren't sure if they could make it or not. 'She was getting these responses, like, 'If I come to your party, I'll miss X, Y, and Z,'' Parker recalls. 'Or, 'I'll have to move mountains to get there, but I'm trying.'' These types of notes made the host feel so badly, she second-guessed even having the party. In some cases, she felt compelled to apologize for causing them distress. 'Do not transfer your guilt onto the host,' Parker says. On the flipside, the woman received one denial that was so lovely, she told Parker she read it multiple times, including to her husband, and shared it with others. It read, in part: 'I was waiting to RSVP for your celebration because I was hoping to resolve a conflict we had. Unfortunately, the timing just didn't work out on that exact weekend. I want you to know that we're really touched you invited us. It's so important to mark special occasions with people you love and who love you back, and we consider ourselves in that last category.' 'You always have the most creative ideas for parties.' Aim to compliment something about your host that you genuinely admire. Maybe they always throw the most epic birthday parties, know exactly which restaurant to book, or reliably plan out-of-office mixers for colleagues in a lonely profession. The point, Parker says, 'is to honor and see what it is they're trying to do.' That will make it clear you appreciate them and cushion the blow of the fact that you can't attend. 'I can't believe I can't make it to this. I really want to come—please put me on the list if you do it again in the future.' If you genuinely feel bad about declining an invite, and hope it doesn't preclude you from being included in the future, don't refrain from expressing your enthusiasm. You might tell your friend: 'I want to say yes so badly.' 'Let them know this isn't you faking it,' Post adds. 'My cousin does this a lot. He's like, 'I can't say yes today, but ask me again any time you think of it. I really want to do this with you.' It works.' 'I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it.' No matter what, a short and to-the-point response is better than fibbing about why you can't make it to a gathering. 'Saying you're committed to something else when you're not is unnecessary,' Post says. 'Why do it when there's potential to get caught later on?' The host, after all, will be much more likely to forgive you for sitting out her second cousin's baby shower than for lying about why you can't be there. 'I really want to make this happen, but it's not financially feasible.' You don't have to share that you're declining an invite due to financial reasons, but if you have a close relationship with the person, it might make sense to provide context. Post's friend, for example, is traveling to New York City this summer, and Post hopes to meet her there—but can't swing a whole week in a hotel. Post told her how much she'd like to attend, and then added: 'For me it would have to be a budget trip, and I'd need to really look into it to make sure I could commit.' From there, the two brainstormed solutions, like a shorter stay in the city. 'That's not going to work for me, but I appreciate the invite.' By wording your response like this, you're making it clear that you're setting a boundary, which can be useful if someone keeps pushing you after you've said 'no' once. It's best used when you don't want to leave anything open for negotiation. 'It's short, clear, and calm,' says Cheryl Groskopf, a therapist in Los Angeles. 'You're not apologizing. You're also not being rude—just honest.' Consider this approach if you often get talked into doing things you don't want to do, she suggests. 'Directness isn't cruelty,' Groskopf says. 'It's clarity.' 'I've got a lot on my plate, and I'm being really intentional with my time right now.' This option makes sense for those who feel they have to justify why they're not attending a gathering, Groskopf says. It's an especially good choice 'if you're the kind of person who's always been the helper, the listener, the one who shows up even when they're drained,' she adds. It focuses on your capacity, rather than the event or person, which is key. You're simply saying, 'I don't have it in me right now.' 'This one also gives the other person something they can understand,' Groskopf says. 'Most people get 'I'm maxed out,' even if they don't know what's behind it.'
Business Insider
25-05-2025
- Business
- Business Insider
8 simple things you can do at the office every day to build good relationships with your boss and coworkers
Navigating your professional relationships with your coworkers can be complicated. Did you accidentally say the wrong thing? Overstep a boundary? The good news is that some of the easiest things you can do to build and sustain solid relationships at work are pretty intuitive, according to Daniel Post Senning and Lizzie Post, etiquette experts with the Emily Post Institute. "It's remarkable how durable the advice is when you get down to what our expectations are of each other on a very human level," Post Senning told Business Insider. Their book, " Emily Post's Business Etiquette," went on sale May 20. It includes a list of eight daily office courtesies you can do to build and maintain goodwill with your boss and peers. Here's the list from the book: Show up ready for the day or your shift. Acknowledge others and greet them with a smile. If you can, make eye contact when speaking with others (for video calls, turn on your camera and face the lens). Use the magic words in all your interactions, both verbal and digital. (The book lists as magic words: Please, thank you, you're welcome, excuse me, I'm sorry) Use shared spaces appropriately, never leaving a mess or taking more than your share. Decline to participate in office gossip. Offer help to others or check in to see how their work is coming along. Say goodbye to colleagues on your way out the door for the day. These are simple "'gimme' social interactions," as Post Senning calls them. "They cost you nothing, and done well, and repeatedly, they really forge important social bonds," he previously told BI. "They build a sense of connection and trust that is going to carry you through tense meetings, critical feedback, miscommunications, things like that later on." At the end of the day, these small-but-mighty actions are about acknowledging each other, Post said. "Acknowledgement is probably one of the most impactful daily practices that we can engage with in so many ways," she told BI. "Whether it's looking up and acknowledging your colleagues with a greeting or a goodbye, or it's acknowledging the work that they do and the participation that you see happening around you that facilitates your own work getting done."
