Latest news with #EmmaThompson
Cosmopolitan
a day ago
- Entertainment
- Cosmopolitan
‘Down Cemetery Road' Season 1: Cast, News
Calling all Emma Thompson fans! The legendary actress is set to star in a new thriller series that sounds seriously spooky and seriously unique. Yesterday, Apple TV+ revealed Thompson would be starring alongside Ruth Wilson in the new series Down Cemetery Road, an adaptation of Mick Herron's novel of the same name. Mick Herron is the author of the Slough House series which has since been adapted into Apple TV+'s Slow Horses. Following the exciting news, fans were flooding Apple TV+'s Instagram account with their praise of the new eight part series, with one person saying of the new series: 'I don't know what this is. I don't even care. I'm watching either way.' While another said: 'Seeing these two women together in a photo was all I needed! I'm SOLD!!! 👏🏼' And another added: 'All you had to say was Emma Thompson and Ruth Wilson. I'm watching anyway.' Intrigued to know more? Here's everything to know about it. Down Cemetery Road is based on Mick Herron's novel of the same name and stars Ruth Wilson as Sarah Tucker. Tucker's next door neighbor's house in a quiet Oxford suburb explodes and a young girl goes missing in the aftermath. Determined to find out what happened, Tucker enlists the help of private investigator Zoë Boehm (played by Emma Thompson). The pair soon find themselves in a complex conspiracy that reveals people who are long believed to be dead are actually alive, and some of the living are fast joining the dead. The series will have eight episodes. Leading the cast of Down Cemetery Road is Emma Thompson as private investigator Zoë Boehm, you'll of course know Emma from her many iconic projects over the years including Love Actually, Sense and Sensibility, Cruella, Good Luck Leo Grande, and many more. She's starring alongside Ruth Wilson who plays the neighbor Sarah Tucker. Wilson is best known for her roles in Luther, The Affair, His Dark Materials, and Jane Eyre. Also joining the cast are Adam Godley, Adeel Akhtar, Ella Bruccoleri, Aiysha Hart, Tom Riley, Tom Goodman-Hill, Darren Boyd, Sinead Matthews, and Nathan Stewart-Jarrett. Apple TV+ will be releasing the first two episodes of Down Cemetery Road on October 29, with the next six episodes being released weekly. You can start a free trial of Apple TV+ right now.
Cosmopolitan
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Cosmopolitan
'One of her best yet': Down Cemetery Road is Emma's Thompson's new spooky thriller from Slow Horses writer
Calling all Emma Thompson fans! The legendary actress is set to star in a new thriller series that sounds seriously spooky and seriously unique. Yesterday (29 July) Apple TV+ revealed Thompson would be starring alongside Ruth Wilson in the new series Down Cemetery Road, an adaptation of Mick Herron's novel of the same name. Mick Herron is the author of the Slough House series which has since been adapted into Apple TV+'s Slow Horses. Following the exciting news fans were flooding Apple TV+'s Instagram account with their praise of the new eight part series, with one person saying of the new series: "I don't know what this is. I don't even care. I'm watching either way." While another said: "Seeing these two women together in a photo was all I needed! I'm SOLD!!! 👏🏼" And another added: "All you had to say was Emma Thompson and Ruth Wilson. I'm watching anyway." Intrigued to know more? Here's everything to know about it. Down Cemetery Road is based on Mick Herron's novel of the same name and stars Ruth Wilson as Sarah Tucker. Tucker's next door neighbour's house in a quiet Oxford suburb explodes and a young girl goes missing in the aftermath. Determined to find out what happened, Tucker enlists the help of private investigator Zoë Boehm (played by Emma Thompson). The pair soon find themselves in a complex conspiracy that reveals people who are long believed to be dead are actually alive, and some of the living are fast joining the dead. The series will have eight episodes. Leading the cast of Down Cemetery Road is Emma Thompson as private investigator Zoë Boehm, you'll of course know Emma from her many iconic projects over the years including Love Actually, Sense and Sensibility, Cruella, Good Luck Leo Grande, and many more. She's starring alongside Ruth Wilson who plays the neighbour Sarah Tucker. Wilson is best known for her roles in Luther, The Affair, His Dark Materials and Jane Eyre. Also joining the cast are Adam Godley, Adeel Akhtar, Ella Bruccoleri, Aiysha Hart, Tom Riley, Tom Goodman-Hill, Darren Boyd, Sinead Matthews and Nathan Stewart-Jarrett. Apple TV+ will be releasing the first two episodes of Down Cemetery Road on 29th October, with the next six episodes being released weekly. To sign up for an Apple TV+ account head here. Down Cemetery Road will be available on Apple TV+ from 29th October
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Fall TV Calendar: 120+ Dates to Save!
The Fall TV season is right around the corner! (Where did the summer go?) To help you keep tabs on it all, TVLine presents its annual and super-handy listing of September, October and November premiere dates. (Our world-famous printable calendar is coming soon! I ran out of glitter and thumb tacks mid-build.) More from TVLine Emma Thompson Searches for a Missing Child in Apple TV+'s Down Cemetery Road - Get Premiere Date NBC Reveals Fall Premiere Dates for #OneChicago, SVU and More - Plus, Organized Crime Returns! Fox Reveals Complete List of Fall Premiere Dates: Murder in a Small Town, Weakest Link and More! This year's Fall TV slate offers a plethora of returning and new broadcast, streaming and cable series — including tried-and-true procedurals, knee-slapping sitcoms, prestige dramas, far-out fare and a curated smattering of reality-TV offerings. On the bittersweet side of things, this autumn will launch the farewell runs for at least three series, including Stranger Things and The Neighborhood. Review the premieres dates below (the printable calendar that you know, love and mark up with highlighter is coming soon), and tell us which upcoming shows you are most excited for. New series are listed in ALL CAPS; click title for details. Time zones are Eastern, need you ask. Want SCOOP on any fall show? Email InsideLine@ and your question may be answered via Matt's Inside Line! WEEK OF AUGUST 31 SUNDAY, AUG. 319 pm LET THE DEVIL IN (MGM+, docuseries) WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 3Wednesday Season 2, Part 2 (Netflix)10 pm Beavis and Butt-Head (Comedy Central revival) THURSDAY, SEPT. 4NCIS: TONY & ZIVA (Paramount+)THE PAPER (Peacock)7 pm Football Night in America (NBC)8:20 pm NFL Kickoff '25 (NBC, Cowboys-Eagles) WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 7 SUNDAY, SEPT. 77 pm Football Night in America (NBC)8:20 pm Sunday Night Football (NBC)9 pm The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon Season 3 (AMC) MONDAY, SEPT. 88 pm Monday Night Football (ABC/ESPN, Vikings-Bears) TUESDAY, SEPT. 9GUTS & GLORY (Shudder/AMC+)Only Murders in the Building Season 5 (Hulu) WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10THE GIRLFRIEND (Prime Video)Helluva Boss Seasons 1 and 2 (Prime Videe, previously on YouTube)TEMPEST (Hulu) THURSDAY, SEPT. 11Tyler Perry's Beauty in Black Season 2 (Netflix) WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 14 SUNDAY, SEPT. 148 pm Emmy Awards (CBS) MONDAY, SEPT. 158 pm Celebrity Name That Tune Season 5 (Fox)8 pm Futurama Season 13 (Hulu, all 10 episodes)9 pm CELEBRITY WEAKEST LINK (Fox) TUESDAY, SEPT. 168 pm Dancing With the Stars Season 34 (ABC)10 pm High Potential Season 2 (ABC) WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17Gen V Season 2 (Prime Video)The Morning Show Season 4 (Apple TV+) THURSDAY, SEPT. 18BLACK RABBIT (Netflix)Reasonable Doubt Season 3 (Hulu) WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 21 SUNDAY, SEPT. 218 pm A Grammy Salute to Earth, Wind & Fire Live: The 21st Night of September (CBS) MONDAY, SEPT. 228 pm The Voice Season 28 (NBC)10 pm Brilliant Minds Season 2 (NBC) TUESDAY, SEPT. 238 pm Murder in a Small Town Season 2 (Fox)8 pm The Voice (Tuesday edition, NBC)9 pm Doc Season 2 (Fox)9 pm THE LOWDOWN (FX) WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 24HOTEL COSTIERA (Prime Video)Slow Horses Season 5 (Apple TV+)8 pm The Golden Bachelor Season 2 (ABC, two hours)8 pm Survivor Season 49 (CBS, two hours)8 pm The Floor Season 4 (Fox)8 pm Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent (The CW, Stateside premiere)9 pm 99 TO BEAT (Fox)10 pm Shark Tank Season 17 (ABC) THURSDAY, SEPT. 25Alice in Borderland Season 3 (Netflix)8 pm Hell's Kitchen Season 24 (Fox)8 pm Law & Order Season 25 (NBC)9 pm The Amazing Race Season 38 (CBS, 90 minutes)9 pm Law & Order: SVU Season 27 (NBC)9 pm Special Forces: World's Toughest Test Season 4 (Fox)10 pm Law & Order: Organized Crime Season 5 (NBC) FRIDAY, SEPT. 26All of You (Apple TV+ movie)THE SAVANT (Apple TV+)8 pm Celebrity Wheel of Fortune Season 6 (ABC)9 pm 20/20 Season 48 (ABC)9 pm Dateline NBC Season 35 (NBC, duh) SATURDAY, SEPT. 2710 pm 48 Hours Season 38 (NBC) WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 28 SUNDAY, SEPT. 287 pm America's Funniest Home Videos Season 36 (ABC)7:30 pm 60 Minutes Season 58 (CNS)8 pm The Wonderful World of Disney (ABC, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3)8 pm The Simpsons Season 37 (Fox)8:30 pm Big Brother Season 27 finale (CBS, two hours)8:30 pm Universal Basic Guys Season 2 (Fox)9 pm Krapopolis Season 3 (Fox)9:30 pm Bob's Burgers Season 16 (Fox) TUESDAY, SEPT. 30CHAD POWERS (Hulu)10 pm ON BRAND WITH JIMMY FALLON (NBC) WEDNESDAY, OCT. 1Love Is Blind Season 9 (Netflix)8 pm Chicago Med Season 11 (NBC)8 pm Shifting Gears Season 2 (ABC)8:30 pm Abbott Elementary Season 5 (ABC)9 pm Chicago Fire Season 14 (NBC)9 pm The Golden Bachelor (ABC, regular time slot premiere)9:30 pm The Amazing Race (CBS, regular time slot premiere)10 pm Chicago P.D. Season 13 (NBC) FRIDAY, OCT. 3The Lost Bus (Apple TV+ movie premiere)MARVEL ZOMBIES (Disney+, What If…? spinoff)8 pm ON BRAND WITH JIMMY FALLON (Friday edition, NBC) SATURDAY, OCT. 411:30 pm Saturday Night Live Season 51 (NBC) WEEK OF OCTOBER 5 THURSDAY, OCT. 98 pm 9-1-1 Season 99 pm 9-1-1: NASHVILLE10 pm Grey's Anatomy Season 22 FRIDAY, OCT. 10THE LAST FRONTIER (Apple TV+) WEEK OF OCTOBER 12 SUNDAY, OCT. 127:30 pm 60 Minutes (CBS)8:30 pm Matlock Season 2 (CBS, special night)9:30 pm Elsbeth Season 3 (CBS, special night) MONDAY, OCT. 13Solar Opposites final season (Hulu)8 pm The Neighborhood final season (CBS)8:30 pm DMV (CBS)9 pm FBI Season 8 (CBS)10 pm Watson Season 2 (CBS) TUESDAY, OCT. 148 pm NCIS Season 23 (CBS)9 pm NCIS: Origins Season 2 (CBS)10 pm NCIS: Sydney Season 3 (CBS) WEDNESDAY, OCT. 15Loot Season 3 (Apple TV+)From Rails to Trails (PBS documentary; check local listings) THURSDAY, OCT. 16DEVIL IN DISGUISE: JOHN WAYNE GACY (Peacock)8 pm Georgie & Mandy's First Marriage Season 2 (CBS)8:30 pm Ghosts Season 5 (CBS)9 pm Matlock (CBS, regular time slot premiere)10 pm Elsbeth (CBS, regular time slot premiere) FRIDAY, OCT. 178 pm Fire Country Season 4 (CBS, special time)9 pm SHERIFF COUNTRY (CBS, special time)10 pm BOSTON BLUE (CBS) WEEK OF OCTOBER 19 SUNDAY, OCT. 198 pm Tracker Season 3 (CBS)9 pm THE ROAD (CBS) TUESDAY, OCT. 216:30 pm NBA Pre-Game Show (NBC)7:30 pm NBA on NBC (NBC, duh) FRIDAY, OCT. 24Stiller & Meara: Nothing Is Lost (Apple TV+ documentary)8 pm SHERIFF COUNTRY (CBS, regular time slot premiere)9 pm Fire Country (CBS, regular time slot premiere) WEEK OF OCTOBER 26 THROUGH NOVEMBER WEDNESDAY, OCT. 29DOWN CEMETERY ROAD (Apple TV+)Hazbin Hotel Season 2 (Prime Video)Selling Sunset Season 9 (Netflix) MONDAY, NOV. 38 pm St. Denis Medical Season 28:30 pm St. Denis Medical TUESDAY, NOV. 4Squid Game: The Challenge Season 2 (Netflix) FRIDAY, NOV. 7Maxton Hall: The World Between Us Season 2 (Prime Video)PLURIBUS (Apple TV+)8 pm Happy's Place Season 28:30 pm Happy's Place WEDNESDAY, NOV. 12Selling the OC Season 4 (Netflix) WEDNESDAY, NOV. 19THE MIGHTY NEIN (Prime Video, Legend of Vox Machina spinoff) WEDNESDAY, NOV. 26Prehistoric Planet: Ice Age (Apple TV+ docuseries)Stranger Things Season 5, Part 1 (Netflix, final season) HELD FOR MIDSEASON ABC | American Idol, The Bachelor, Celebrity Jeopardy!, The Rookie, Scrubs, Will Trent CBS | AMERICA'S CULINARY CUP, CIA, HARLAN COBEN'S FINAL TWIST, Hollywood Squares, Y: MARSHALS, The Price Is Right at Night FOX | American Dad!, Animal Control, Beat Shazam, BEST MEDICINE, Don't Forget the Lyrics!, Extracted, THE FAITHFUL, Family Guy, FEAR FACTOR: THE NEXT CHAPTER, Going Dutch, Grimsburg, Kitchen Nightmares, The Masked Singer, MEMORY OF A KILLER, NEXT LEVEL BAKER (4-episode holiday spinoff), Next Level Chef NBC | THE FALL AND RISE OF REGGIE DINKINS, The Hunting Party, STUMBLE, SURVIVING EARTH (eight-episode event series), The Wall THE CW | TBA PREVIOUSLY CANCELLED 9-1-1: Lone Star, Alert: Missing Persons Unit, The Cleaning Lady, The Conners, Doctor Odyssey, The Equalizer, FBI: International, FBI: Most Wanted, Found, Grosse Pointe Garden Society, The Irrational, Lopez vs. Lopez, Night Court, Poppa's House, Rescue: HI-Surf, Suits LA, The Summit, S.W.A.T. FATES TO BE DETERMINED Accused (Fox), Farmer Wants a Wife (Fox), The Great North (Fox), assorted CW things THE PRINTABLE CALENDAR YOU LOVE IS COMING SOON! Want SCOOP on any fall show? Email InsideLine@ and your question may be answered via Matt's Inside Line! Best of TVLine 90+ TV Shows That Switched Networks — And How Long They Ran After They Relocated TV's 30+ Best Cliffhangers of All Time From Buffy, Friends, Grey's Anatomy, Twin Peaks, Severance, Soap and More 20+ Age-Defying Parent-Child Castings From Blue Bloods, ER, Ginny & Georgia, Golden Girls, Supernatural and More
Yahoo
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
I'm A Middle-Aged Woman. This Is What Happened When I Got A Happy Ending Massage.
Way back near the beginning of pandemic, I had a real-life Good Luck to You, Leo Grande experience. If you're not familiar with the movie (now streaming on Hulu), a retired widow (Emma Thompson) hires a fine-ass sex worker (Daryl McCormack) to find some sexual adventure. (Spoiler: Adventure is found.) In my case, there was no green-eyed Leo Grande. However, I did have two (2!) people working over my middle-aged body. Also, they weren't official 'sex workers,' though it did involve both sex and work. I was getting a 'hands-on bodywork session,' basically a massage with a (possibly) happy ending. Oh, it was all on the up and up. It was through an organization, let's call it Yonis R Us (YRU), that hosts retreats in glamorous locales where women of all ages (seriously, ALL, like up to extremely senior citizen) learn to connect with their bodies, their sexuality and their desires. And yeah, a happy ending might be had, but the bodywork sessions were about more than that. It was about allowing yourself to accept pleasure and feel sexual without any of the body image/performative/goal-oriented pressures of a lot of hetero sex. Getting rid of that last bit was going to be a trick for me. I enjoy spending my leisure time worrying about things like that new spot on my leg (fatal????), people who don't text back immediately (dead???) and the like. My monkey mind doesn't just chatter away during my rare attempts at meditation ― mine is more howler monkey, always on duty, hyper-vigilant and screeching from the treetops, alerting me to a constant stream of imaginary peril. To be honest, I was secretly looking for a Magic Vagina Whisperer, someone who would force me to chill the F out, know what I wanted even before I knew it, and could play my body like a piano, or whatever musical instrument is the equivalent of my body (Bagpipes? Theremin?). When Nanette*, the founder of Yonis, messaged me one day and offered me a private session that night, gratis, I was immediately like, 'Yes, please!' It was to date, the best media perk I've gotten, and I am a person who recently received a huge box of weed products hand-delivered to my door. Related: Related: About four seconds later, I panicked. The letting-strangers-touch-alllllll-the-naughty-bits wasn't the issue. I've interviewed several sex workers and came away convinced that sex work is an important helping position. Providing loving sexual touch to people who aren't getting it, for whatever reason, is a gift. I had no moral quandaries. Viva getting touched by a kindly, trained stranger/specialist! But on that particular day, I was not feeling super fuckable. I already had a full-on pandemic body going on, even though we were just barely into it. Underneath my Bao-like belly, I was sporting a bush with the aesthetics of an abandoned parking lot. As Emma Thompson told Vogue about the extremely last-minute preparations for her role in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, 'I couldn't go off to a health spa in anticipation of forthcoming nudity.' Nor could I, Emma. I couldn't lose the belly in one day, and in a flash of liberation, I decided I would leave the bush in 'as is' condition. I was gonna own this 'forthcoming nudity,' goddammit. The idea was strangely empowering. 'Screw it!' I thought. 'This is my body. Behold!' That night I pulled up to a charming little house tucked down a shady lane somewhere by San Diego. I was greeted at the door by Nanette, who is short, curvy and warm, like a sexy fairy godmother. She introduced her associate, Rod Steele,* who is blonde, muscled and pretty much an ideal specimen of manhood, as well as being a lovely, gentle person. There was a spacious living room and a large wooden dining table laden with snacks. I picked at the spread while we had easy talk about…something? Finally, they asked me to go into the bedroom, disrobe, and get up on a table similar to a massage table. I draped a sheet over myself and waited. When they came in, they spoke to me gently and started giving me a massage. If you find yourself in a situation where two people want to give you a massage, I'd recommend you take them up on it at once. It was pretty great. I closed my eyes as they introduced elements of sensation play, always asking permission first. There were scarves draped up my thighs, a little wheel toy with pokey things ― the idea was to stay in the moment and really focus on the sensations. Somebody eventually started touching me where the bathing suit covers. There were some consensual flicks of a flogger and the introduction of a butt plug. It's odd that I can't remember the specifics of who was touching where, otherwise I could give you a play-by-play, like 'Bishop to e5.' What does stand out is that it was dawning on me that I wasn't even close to having an orgasm, and I (ridiculously, I know this!) felt like I should ― like it would be polite to do so. And it felt absurd that it wasn't happening. I was being stroked and lavishly feted by two gorgeous, sexy, and attentive people. But I was lying there wondering if their hands were getting sore, and they regretted doing this for free. So there I was: naked, the stimulation increasingly amping up, and still not having an orgasm. Eventually (two minutes? 700 years?) they brought out the big guns, the hallowed Magic Wand. If you're not familiar, the Wand is a giant vibrator that's pretty much a jackhammer for the lady parts. If there ever was a vibrator that could easily be converted to gas power (rip cord and all), it would be the Wand. They applied the Wand, but my body would not succumb to it. I felt my monkey mind cockblocking the insistent ministrations of my electric lover. 'Shit, it's still not happening!' I thought, which for the record, is pretty low on the list of arousing thoughts. Then it dawned on me. I thought about my best sex ever and how raw chemistry goes a hell of a long way towards arousal. Yes, the simple biological manipulation of body parts is a huge part of sex, but it's just one part of a complex mix of lust chemicals, scents, the almost divine touch of someone who really does it for you and the particular appeal of a partner's jawline/chest/thigh/thick dick/whatever. In this case, all manner of diligent rubbing wasn't gonna be enough. It's the same reason a glory hole wouldn't appeal to me. I'd need some backstory. Here, I couldn't just lie down on the massage table thing, spread my legs, and get lost in it. In discussing the 'problems' of sex in How to Think More About Sex, the delightful School of Life co-founder Alain de Botton writes, 'Great sex, like happiness more generally, may be the precious and sublime exception. During our most fortunate encounters, it is rare for us to appreciate how privileged we are. It is only as we get older, and look back repeatedly and nostalgically to a few erotic episodes, that we start to realize with what stinginess nature extends her gifts to us — and therefore what an extraordinary and rare achievement of biology, psychology and timing satisfying sex really is.' But I digress. Through all this, the Wand was determinedly buzzing away, perhaps puzzled, not understanding why I was resisting its charms. I didn't know what to do, so finally I mentally pulled up the images of my favorite porn. If you must know it's the one with two college guys who, against their supposed straightness, get too turned on and simply must bone each other immediately. Eventually, less being swept away by inevitability and more 'I will make this happen,' ala Annette Bening, 'I will sell this house today!' in American Beauty, I had the orgasm. Check. Not huge, but there. Hey, way to ruin goalless pleasure with a goal, self! Once the 'sex' part was done, we moved back out to the living room. I sat on a couch, and Nanette and Rod settled in on each side. They snuggled in close and handed me an exceptionally good popsicle. We talked about what had gone down and how it was for me. Rod suggested I give the plug another try sometime. I had another popsicle (this is unrelated). It was A+ aftercare. In the end, I still completely support this kind of work. If you can lie back and enjoy being attended to by two eager pretend lovers, get yer butt on up on that table. (Statistically, it's likely that you'd dig it: Multipartner sex is the most common fantasy, according to Justin Lehmiller's Tell Me What You Want.) For me and my howler monkey mind though, the most thorough fuck of the night was the mind fuck I gave myself. It wasn't ideal, but lessons were learned. Sex with another person who hotly desires you as much as you desire them is a rare and beautiful thing. This was not it. But it didn't need to be that. It occupied a different space. In this space, you can be sexual without worrying about pleasing another (or, like me, you can worry about it anyway) and that feels important. You can go to this place, go really deep sexually and emotionally with two other people, then be on your merry way, with no emotional reverb. And you might even get some popsicles out of the deal. *Names had been changed. Except mine, which was probably a bad decision. This article originally appeared on HuffPost in July 2022. Also in Goodful: Also in Goodful: Also in Goodful: Solve the daily Crossword
Buzz Feed
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- Buzz Feed
My Experience With Happy Ending Massages At 50+
Way back near the beginning of pandemic, I had a real-life Good Luck to You, Leo Grande experience. If you're not familiar with the movie (now streaming on Hulu), a retired widow (Emma Thompson) hires a fine-ass sex worker (Daryl McCormack) to find some sexual adventure. (Spoiler: Adventure is found.) In my case, there was no green-eyed Leo Grande. However, I did have two (2!) people working over my middle-aged body. Also, they weren't official 'sex workers,' though it did involve both sex and work. I was getting a 'hands-on bodywork session,' basically a massage with a (possibly) happy ending. Oh, it was all on the up and up. It was through an organization, let's call it Yonis R Us (YRU), that hosts retreats in glamorous locales where women of all ages (seriously, ALL, like up to extremely senior citizen) learn to connect with their bodies, their sexuality and their desires. And yeah, a happy ending might be had, but the bodywork sessions were about more than that. It was about allowing yourself to accept pleasure and feel sexual without any of the body image/performative/goal-oriented pressures of a lot of hetero sex. Getting rid of that last bit was going to be a trick for me. I enjoy spending my leisure time worrying about things like that new spot on my leg (fatal????), people who don't text back immediately (dead???) and the like. My monkey mind doesn't just chatter away during my rare attempts at meditation ― mine is more howler monkey, always on duty, hyper-vigilant and screeching from the treetops, alerting me to a constant stream of imaginary peril. To be honest, I was secretly looking for a Magic Vagina Whisperer, someone who would force me to chill the F out, know what I wanted even before I knew it, and could play my body like a piano, or whatever musical instrument is the equivalent of my body (Bagpipes? Theremin?). When Nanette*, the founder of Yonis, messaged me one day and offered me a private session that night, gratis, I was immediately like, 'Yes, please!' It was to date, the best media perk I've gotten, and I am a person who recently received a huge box of weed products hand-delivered to my door. About four seconds later, I panicked. The letting-strangers-touch-alllllll-the-naughty-bits wasn't the issue. I've interviewed several sex workers and came away convinced that sex work is an important helping position. Providing loving sexual touch to people who aren't getting it, for whatever reason, is a gift. I had no moral quandaries. Viva getting touched by a kindly, trained stranger/specialist! But on that particular day, I was not feeling super fuckable. I already had a full-on pandemic body going on, even though we were just barely into it. Underneath my Bao -like belly, I was sporting a bush with the aesthetics of an abandoned parking lot. As Emma Thompson told Vogue about the extremely last-minute preparations for her role in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, 'I couldn't go off to a health spa in anticipation of forthcoming nudity.' Nor could I, Emma. I couldn't lose the belly in one day, and in a flash of liberation, I decided I would leave the bush in 'as is' condition. I was gonna own this 'forthcoming nudity,' goddammit. The idea was strangely empowering. 'Screw it!' I thought. 'This is my body. Behold!' That night I pulled up to a charming little house tucked down a shady lane somewhere by San Diego. I was greeted at the door by Nanette, who is short, curvy and warm, like a sexy fairy godmother. She introduced her associate, Rod Steele,* who is blonde, muscled and pretty much an ideal specimen of manhood, as well as being a lovely, gentle person. There was a spacious living room and a large wooden dining table laden with snacks. I picked at the spread while we had easy talk about…something? Finally, they asked me to go into the bedroom, disrobe, and get up on a table similar to a massage table. I draped a sheet over myself and waited. When they came in, they spoke to me gently and started giving me a massage. If you find yourself in a situation where two people want to give you a massage, I'd recommend you take them up on it at once. It was pretty great. I closed my eyes as they introduced elements of sensation play, always asking permission first. There were scarves draped up my thighs, a little wheel toy with pokey things ― the idea was to stay in the moment and really focus on the sensations. Somebody eventually started touching me where the bathing suit covers. There were some consensual flicks of a flogger and the introduction of a butt plug. It's odd that I can't remember the specifics of who was touching where, otherwise I could give you a play-by-play, like 'Bishop to e5.' What does stand out is that it was dawning on me that I wasn't even close to having an orgasm, and I (ridiculously, I know this!) felt like I should ― like it would be polite to do so. And it felt absurd that it wasn't happening. I was being stroked and lavishly feted by two gorgeous, sexy, and attentive people. But I was lying there wondering if their hands were getting sore, and they regretted doing this for free. So there I was: naked, the stimulation increasingly amping up, and still not having an orgasm. Eventually (two minutes? 700 years?) they brought out the big guns, the hallowed Magic Wand. If you're not familiar, the Wand is a giant vibrator that's pretty much a jackhammer for the lady parts. If there ever was a vibrator that could easily be converted to gas power (rip cord and all), it would be the Wand. They applied the Wand, but my body would not succumb to it. I felt my monkey mind cockblocking the insistent ministrations of my electric lover. 'Shit, it's still not happening!' I thought, which for the record, is pretty low on the list of arousing thoughts. Then it dawned on me. I thought about my best sex ever and how raw chemistry goes a hell of a long way towards arousal. Yes, the simple biological manipulation of body parts is a huge part of sex, but it's just one part of a complex mix of lust chemicals, scents, the almost divine touch of someone who really does it for you and the particular appeal of a partner's jawline/chest/thigh/thick dick/whatever. In this case, all manner of diligent rubbing wasn't gonna be enough. It's the same reason a glory hole wouldn't appeal to me. I'd need some backstory. Here, I couldn't just lie down on the massage table thing, spread my legs, and get lost in it. In discussing the 'problems' of sex in How to Think More About Sex, the delightful School of Life co-founder Alain de Botton writes, 'Great sex, like happiness more generally, may be the precious and sublime exception. During our most fortunate encounters, it is rare for us to appreciate how privileged we are. It is only as we get older, and look back repeatedly and nostalgically to a few erotic episodes, that we start to realize with what stinginess nature extends her gifts to us — and therefore what an extraordinary and rare achievement of biology, psychology and timing satisfying sex really is.' But I digress. Through all this, the Wand was determinedly buzzing away, perhaps puzzled, not understanding why I was resisting its charms. I didn't know what to do, so finally I mentally pulled up the images of my favorite porn. If you must know it's the one with two college guys who, against their supposed straightness, get too turned on and simply must bone each other immediately. Eventually, less being swept away by inevitability and more 'I will make this happen,' ala Annette Bening, 'I will sell this house today!' in American Beauty, I had the orgasm. Check. Not huge, but there. Hey, way to ruin goalless pleasure with a goal, self! Once the 'sex' part was done, we moved back out to the living room. I sat on a couch, and Nanette and Rod settled in on each side. They snuggled in close and handed me an exceptionally good popsicle. We talked about what had gone down and how it was for me. Rod suggested I give the plug another try sometime. I had another popsicle (this is unrelated). It was A+ aftercare. In the end, I still completely support this kind of work. If you can lie back and enjoy being attended to by two eager pretend lovers, get yer butt on up on that table. (Statistically, it's likely that you'd dig it: Multipartner sex is the most common fantasy, according to Justin Lehmiller's Tell Me What You Want.) For me and my howler monkey mind though, the most thorough fuck of the night was the mind fuck I gave myself. It wasn't ideal, but lessons were learned. Sex with another person who hotly desires you as much as you desire them is a rare and beautiful thing. This was not it. But it didn't need to be that. It occupied a different space. In this space, you can be sexual without worrying about pleasing another (or, like me, you can worry about it anyway) and that feels important. You can go to this place, go really deep sexually and emotionally with two other people, then be on your merry way, with no emotional reverb. And you might even get some popsicles out of the deal.
