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Daily Maverick

Pulling State Capture out of Ass and reclaiming it for Sass as politics and plagiarism collide

I feared we'd lose Faith Muthambi forever a couple of seasons ago. Please Sass writers, we need to hear more from this queen. Perhaps a spinoff show? A reality show? The Real House Ministers of the National Assembly? Dear writers of the South Africa Sh*t Show. Thank you so much for reading my monthly reviews of the South Africa Sh*t Show (Sass) and taking my constructive feedback into consideration. When I last wrote about Sass, back in April, it was an open letter to my editor, to submit my notice of resignation over her refusal to investigate the writers of the America Sh*t Show (Ass) for intellectual property theft, specifically their plagiarism of Sass's most original storyline, State Capture. Upon receiving my notice of resignation, she immediately wished me well on my future endeavours, clearly demonstrating a lack of gratitude for my great contribution to culture as our country's all-time greatest non-award-winning film critic. I've since decided to retract the resignation, for your sake of course. As I informed my editor in my resignation retraction email, I'll let her off the hook this time, but she is to consider my now-retracted resignation letter as the first written warning from me; one or five more strikes and that's it, I will resign! But for now, I must humbly accept the tough reality that the local film industry needs me, as demonstrated by the changes you've made since my open letter of resignation was published. It is clear that you realised the gravity of the intellectual property theft that Trump's Ass engaged in by plagiarizing the State Capture storyline. When I read that you'd brought back 'Gupta-era minister Lynne Brown' to help the ANC with its Western Cape strategy, I knew you were pulling State Capture out of that Ass and bringing it back home where it belongs. With Brown's return the show, almost all the 'Gupta ministers' are back in play. Bravo!!! Her fellow Gupta ministers, Faith Muthambi and Malusi Gigaba, have long returned to Parliament as ANC MPs. We still await former mines minister Mosebenzi Zwane's return, but hopefully it won't be much longer now, Sass always delivers. I feared we'd lose Faith Muthambi forever a couple of seasons ago when the Zondo Commission found that 'she had abused her powers in a number of instances. In these circumstances, the finding to make is that Ms Muthambi had unlawfully (shared) that confidential information with the Guptas and their associates. It was quite clear that she was doing so in order to talk to their friend, (then) President Zuma, to ensure that she had certain powers as Minister of Communications.' The Thloloe Commission on the other hand, came to the 'conclusion that Muthambi had abused her power to influence news coverage by the SABC'. Then of course there was that Sunday Times report about the R300,000 of public funds she spent on, among other things, flying 30 friends and family to her Budget speech. A little more than a year later, circa 2019, she ranked a lowly 79th on the ANC National Party List. Thankfully, the ANC has given her a few more government gigs since then, and even rewarded her with an appointment as a member of the ANC's influential National Disciplinary Committee. After taking a much needed 18-month sabbatical, in May last year she returned to her seat in the National Assembly, and is now ranked 38th on the ANC National Party List. What a legend!!! Please Sass writers, we need to hear more from this queen. Perhaps a spinoff show with the freshly returned Lynne Brown? A reality show? The Real House Ministers of the National Assembly? An upcoming film reviewer and ardent fan of Sass, Ferial Haffajee, recently made a good observation on these very pages: 'Brown was at the heart of the State Capture project as she enabled the Gupta network at Eskom, Transnet and Denel by using her position as the minister of public enterprises to influence board appointments at various state-owned companies, the commission of inquiry into State Capture found.' When Sassy met Assy in the Oval While I had my doubts about the recent 'Sass and Ass in the Oval' crossover special episode, I couldn't deny the brilliance of the Sass writers in that moment. Maestro Malema's rendition of a South African classic, beamed on screens worldwide; a truly outstanding and nuanced portrayal of the bittersweet taste of success. Here be Malema finally on top of the world, his name uttered by presidents and top golfers alike. Yet, as viewers we knew that this moment that he had long dreamt of reached him at his loneliest, abandoned by comrades, his face deserted by collagen. Is that not a perfect metaphor for life itself, that the moments we dream of and work towards never come in the neatly nationalised package we imagined. So much to think about. Still, another moment just as bittersweet: seated there in the Ass Oval opposite Trump was that dear John character; at the apotheosis of his career, finally a member of the ruling class; a moment beamed on screens all over the world. Alas, his president would soon reveal his role as little more than window-dressing to demonstrate to the world the country's ongoing commitment to its White Economic Empowerment programme (WEE). No sooner had he made peace with his role as a token, his aptitude for governance was questioned live in front of the world by the country's CEO, one very snitchy Mr Rupert. 'Mr Steenhuisen won't admit that he runs the Western Cape where I live, and the biggest murder rate is in the Cape Flats,' CEO Rupert snitched to literally millions of people. Why are CEOs always the biggest snitches?!? Meanwhile, as the maestro and the WEE beneficiary embraced these bittersweet moments in the global spotlight, one Ms Zille watched and wondered when her 'one moment in time, when I'm all that I thought I could be' — as the late great Whitney Houston sang — would come to fruition. She knew deep within her heart that it should be her up there on those screens, not some token. Never one to give up on a dream, be it trying out drag or Comedy Central roasts, she continues to pursue her 'one moment in time'. Rumour has it you guys might have a Joburg mayorship storyline lined up for her. Please give the poor thing her happy ending already, give her her moment, let her have that mayorship and let everything work out. Let her zeal fill every pothole. That said, beyond the return of State Capture, I'm quite captivated by this moving exploration of themes of aspiration, desperation and betrayal, as demonstrated by the rise and fall of Maestro Malema, and the insatiable appetite for the limelight that still consumes Septuagenarian Zille. I'm especially touched by the heartbreaking Steenhuisen storyline. While we may not have had the experience of the richest and most powerful men telling the whole world that we're the kind of WEE candidate who's not up to the job, I think many of us can relate to what it feels to always be reminded that nobody thinks you deserve your position in life. With such great writing and performances in the bag, I have no doubt the future of Sass is in safe hands. And that Ass can plagiarise all they want, they can even keep Sass's most crooked export, Mr Musk; but State Capture is surely coming back to its originators, the South Africa Sh*t Show, the Cradle of Crooked Kind. DM