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Yahoo
6 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
My Grandma Made A 'Trivial' Decision 10 Years Ago. I'm Worried She'll Die With Regrets.
Dear Family Beef, My grandmother is 87 and hasn't talked to her sister, who is 93, for 10 years. They have always been at odds on-and-off and live on different continents, but used to at least have phone calls on their birthdays. But something just broke down a few years back and now neither of them pick up the phone or answer each other's letters. At least from my grandma's perspective, she said it is a dumb fight she now considers trivial. Recently, she said she doesn't expect to talk to her sister again and simply said 'it is what it is.' But I am worried she's going to have regrets if they are never able to reconcile or at least talk again. Plus, she's been dealing with more and more health issues this year and is no longer able to travel back to her home country where her sister still lives. My siblings and I have talked about this a lot because there's a whole side of the family we're afraid we'll never be close to or get to know because of her decision. Is there a way to help them along and connect again? Or should we stay out of it? — Estranger Dear Estranger, An estrangement or separation in the family — even if it's not your conflict — can be a devastating thing. It can be even more so when it's one of those dusty old fights where the details remain fuzzy or one or both parties aren't even invested in the original argument anymore. The initial issue may be dismissed as 'trivial' but the hurt, compounded by a decade of silence, certainly isn't. Add in the fact that it's a relative experiencing health troubles and the whole situation goes from standard family drama to something that can have you thinking about mortality and connection and how much time has been sunk into being apart real quick. These aren't bad things to think about, of course, but they do ask us to spend more time sitting with these feelings and really listening to them. Separate yourself from their conflict. So let's start with the easier piece: Your ability to connect with your great aunt and that side of your family can be a separate thing from your grandma's ability to connect with her sister. Those two have a shared history and dynamic that is theirs and you are not required to carry that history or energy into your own dynamics. 'It's OK for family members to still reach out and connect to people that they don't have a conflict with. Just because Grandma and Aunt Bessie don't talk doesn't mean I need to allow that to interfere in my relationships,' Catherine Hickem, LCSW, told HuffPost. 'However, it's extremely important that the boundaries are really clear.' These boundaries can look like not talking about the family members who are in conflict to one another, agreeing to not relitigate the past when you are together or otherwise maintaining that your relationship to your great aunt and her side of the family is a separate one from your relationship to your grandma. You're all autonomous people and you don't need to borrow the hurt from their conflict. 'Although it may feel uncomfortable to speak your truth, honesty is key when pursuing a connection with a family member who has been estranged,' Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist and author, told HuffPost. 'To avoid confrontation, some people go behind the scenes to connect with an estranged family member, but this often creates stress and anxiety due to the lack of transparency.' My suggestion would be that you and your siblings sit down with your grandma and explain your feelings and reasoning too — which can even be a gateway to starting future conversations about your grandma's feelings, this decade-old conflict and what she really wants to do with that relationship going forward. And, if you experience some pushback or additional conflict about your decision, Manley says it's important to 'maintain your boundaries with gentle clarity and strength.' 'Although this feels uncomfortable and even highly distressful, those who love you will ultimately honor your desire to create a connection with someone you care about,' she said. From there, Manley also has some advice for reconnecting with your aunt on your own terms: 'You can show interest in reconnection by sending a birthday card, holiday greeting or a brief 'I'd like to reconnect' message by mail. This allows the relative time to process the idea of being in contact again. By moving forward in a non-pressuring way, the door to reconnection often opens slowly.' Approach with curiosity and compassion. Now, the tough part. One of the challenges in navigating other people's conflicts is that what happens next — whether they reach resolution or not, whether they choose a path they'll regret — is out of your hands. You can't force a fix or make someone want the same outcome, and you might need to be at peace with building separate relationships with your loved ones as they are. That does mean ultimately accepting and respecting their decisions on this front, even if you don't agree. 'It's very important to avoid pressuring someone to reconnect with a family member; pressure often creates increased resistance and psychological stress,' Manley said. 'It's also key to avoid telling a family member what they 'should' do; this type of attitude has a very shaming quality that works against healthy communication. People tend to be more receptive when you use 'I' statements versus 'you' statements ('I feel sad about the loss of connection' versus 'You should connect with your sister before it's too late').' Manley also emphasized that third parties will want to avoid being patronizing or disrespectful when trying to approach these personal conversations — especially with your older relatives: 'Instead, adopt a mindset of nonjudgmental curiosity that allows the family member space to ponder and share their perspective. In this way, you can actually open doors to connection rather than eliciting an unconsciously defensive response.' Instead, Hickem suggests there can be an opportunity for vulnerability, compassion and curiosity to lead the way. In particular, you can have a conversation that sheds some more light on the emotional impact of that 'trivial' initial conflict: 'I would start with the conversation and say, 'Can we talk about what happened in your heart when this happened with Aunt So-and-So?' And I would also ask: 'What's the fear?' What's the fear that has prohibited her from wanting to reach out? Is it her pride? Is it the fear of being further rejected? The fear that they cannot create a win-win?' And then you can do some listening and try to really hear and understand her POV. Without knowing too much about their reasons for becoming estranged, I think the best bet is to really try to check any of your preconceived notions about their fight and instead try to understand how your grandma has felt for the last 10 years. 'Any family member who has a heart of sincerity to love well can be generously curious and ask great questions. And then [you can] step back, give them some time to get rooted and then come back and revisit. If it's important to you, it needs to not go away just because you had one conversation,' Hickem said. 'I think the most important thing is that there's gentleness and that this isn't about power, this isn't about control; this is about love, this is about respect, this is about connection and that we really want to pass on generational blessings, not generational conflicts.' 'When someone point-blank asks you that, it's a wake-up call.' Hickem notes that, as you sort through the emotions of the conflict, there's also a chance to talk with your grandma about 'legacy' and how she wants to be remembered— which can be a really powerful conversation for any family to have with their elders. 'I think it's OK for the younger generation to bring up legacy: 'What do you want the legacy for our family to be like?' When someone point-blank asks you that, it's a wake-up call,' Hickem said. 'What values do you want us to remember? What's important for us to carry on? As that older adult thinks about that…it's an opportunity to plant the seeds.' Health issues and other life events can be a factor in making folks reconsider what really matters to them, too. 'I think crisis typically is the catalyst for change,' Hickem said. 'A sudden loss, an accident of some kind can cause us to step back and realize what really matters. Too often we can get really hyper-focused on the trivial things, on being right. But if we're dying on the hill of being right, we're probably going to be alone a lot of the time.' And, unsurprisingly, these events can bring certain values and desires into focus — which is an opportunity to disrupt the patterns that can separate family over a 'trivial' conflict for a decade. But that alone isn't necessarily enough to bridge some gaps. 'The realization of life's fragility and the rapid passage of time can surely lead some family members to heal or let go of old wounds,' Manley said. 'However, sometimes damage is so severe and wounds are so deep that a family member may feel that they cannot safely reconnect with someone who has harmed them. And, of course, some people are prone to hold on to to resentment and are unwilling to forgive even slight hurts. In looking at family estrangement and the potential for reconnection after longstanding feuds, the individuals' personality types, histories and current context all play vital roles in the outcome.' Two sisters with a decade's worth of hurt and a lifetime's worth of history might have their reasons for wanting (or not wanting) to reconnect. But, all the same, choosing to take this conflict out of the deep freeze and understand it more does seem like a way you can get closer with your family and grow together. 'It can take great courage to reach out to an estranged family member, but the results can be incredibly healing,' Manley said. 'When family members are willing to move forward in new ways, healthy lifelong relationships are truly possible.' Related... My Adult Daughter Made A Devastating Decision — And I Know Other Parents Can Relate My Partner Wants To Try Something Different In The Bedroom. I'm Afraid It's A Deal-Breaker. I Haven't Spoken To My Family In Years. People Think I'm A Monster — Here's The Truth. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
27-05-2025
- Business
- Yahoo
Barbecue's Kingmaker: Meet the man with the final say on BBQ's most important list
In Texas' state-designated BBQ capital, two legendary Lockhart families run the town's most iconic barbecue joints as a rising star joins the scene — and all vie for coveted spots on the Texas Monthly Top 50 BBQ list. Explore our project online now and watch the documentary June 5 at 7 p.m. on the KXAN+ smart TV app. KENNEDALE, Texas (KXAN) — A light November rain fell on the tired and hungry crowd gathered in the parking lot. Some brought folding chairs, others ponchos and umbrellas, knowing it's better to be dry and comfortable than wet and sore when waiting hours for the doors to open. At one point, a horse escaped from a nearby ranch and trotted between the dozens of cars in the lot. Those waiting merely looked on, unwilling to risk losing their spot in line attempting to corral it. At 10:37 a.m. on that Friday morning, an employee stepped out of the front door of the small, red wooden building and started shouting out the lay of the land before opening. The crowd learned that meats were priced by the half pound, a Laotian sausage was the special, and banana pudding was the dessert. Equine excitement aside, the morning played out like a typical start to a Friday at Goldee's BBQ, in Kennedale, Texas, a suburb south of Fort Worth. Then Daniel Vaughn showed up. The Texas Monthly's BBQ editor parked and headed toward the front of the line, meeting up with a friend who'd been saving his spot since 5:30 a.m. A typical Friday no more. Speaking from experience, Goldee's owners will tell you that when Vaughn arrives at your restaurant, you'd better pay attention. It may be the most important thing that ever happens to your business. 'It was life-changing,' recalled co-owner Jalen Heard. Vaughn first stopped by the newly-opened restaurant in 2020 during the height of the pandemic, when the BBQ was sliced, wrapped and walked out to his car. 'I thought it was really good, but I didn't know what this was gonna taste like fresh,' he said. Meet the barbecue leaders behind KXAN's 'Family Beef' documentary Vaughn returned when pandemic restrictions relaxed and he could eat inside. That's when he said he experienced a flavor palette unlike anything he'd had before, including mouth-watering ribs covered in an acidic and sweet simple syrup made from vinegar and sugar. 'That's when it really hit me, like, this place is special,' Vaughn said. The following year Vaughn named Goldee's the number one restaurant on the Texas Monthly Top 50 BBQ Joints list. A star was born seemingly overnight. 'The line was all the way down the street,' Heard said. 'There was no parking. It was wild, just like, 'Oh my goodness.'' The restaurant went from cooking as few as five briskets a day to 50. In the four years since, it hasn't looked back. The coveted ranking only comes out once every four years, and if Vaughn visits a restaurant in the final few months, it's not because he was simply in the area and craving barbecue. Preparation for the 2025 ranking began in August 2024 when Vaughn assembled a team of 25 Texas Monthly staffers to serve as tasters. Each is assigned a territory in Texas. They're then given a list of barbecue joints to visit, and a list of those not to bother with. Those are the joints where Vaughn's gone five times in a row and had a terrible meal each time. 'I've had a meal so bad I'd be embarrassed if they were on the Top 50 list,' he said. 'I don't want them to get bogged down in wasting their time.' Instead, the focus is on finding new places and trying those tried-and-true places on their list. There are an estimated 2,000 barbecue restaurants in Texas. This go around, Texas Monthly tasters expected to eat at roughly 400 of them. When scores come back and there are new restaurants Vaughn hasn't tried, he will personally visit them. The top 10 on the list receive even more scrutiny. In 2021, Vaughn recalls 26 or 27 places in contention. He will visit each at least three times, making sure their quality is consistent. To get to this point, restaurants had to score highly on their brisket, ribs, turkey, sausage and sides. 'Really, what it comes down to as far as the meat goes: is it juicy, is it tender, and is it well seasoned?' Vaughn said. Nearly all of the top 10 meet this criterion. At that point, Vaughn uses the quality of the sides as a tie-breaker. Daniel Vaughn was not born a meat lover. Originally from Ohio, he went to college in New Orleans before moving to Dallas in 2001. That's when he tried brisket for the first time, and ribs unlike anything he'd ever tasted at now-closed Peggy Sue's Market. '(I) couldn't quite wrap my head around how you get this sort of texture out of a pork rib,' he said. Vaughn was hooked. 'I just became enamored with it almost instantly,' he said. He started traveling around North Texas, trying barbecue, and writing about it in his blog titled 'Full Custom Gospel BBQ.' His travels and writing didn't start out with the intention of being a review site, as much as it was his attempt to keep track of his personal favorite spots. In 2012, Vaughn's hobby became more. After more than 500 reviews up and down the state, Texas Monthly reached out and asked Vaughn if he'd like to start writing articles for the publication. He, in turn, asked to be part of the magazine's 2013 Top 50 tasting team. Both said yes. This all happened at the same time Vaughn had just started a book deal with the late great food critic Anthony Bourdain. While writing and researching for the book, Vaughn had another idea, one that eventually allowed him to quit his job in architecture and pursue writing about barbecue full-time. He asked the magazine to name him its BBQ editor. He's been getting paid to write about it ever since. 'There are a lot more bad meals that I eat. My mantra is, 'I eat the bad barbecue, so you don't have to,'' he said. Vaughn said for every restaurant owner happy about being ranked on the list, there are many more who are angry about being left off. Some question whether Vaughn favors new restaurants, emphasizes modern cooking techniques and flavors too much, and if joints that are only open one or two days a week have an unfair advantage. 'They can find a whole range of things to blame, whether it's personal preferences, or politics, or whatever they might call it,' Vaughn said. 'But the one thing they rarely consider is maybe it's their barbecue, and I can guarantee you, it's the barbecue.' What none of them dispute is how influential the list is. In Lockhart, the state-designated 'Barbecue Capital of Texas,' Black's and Terry Black's have both been on the list at one point or another. As have Kreuz (which graced the first cover in 1997) and Smitty's (which made the cover in 2003). 'It brings in a lot of people that are going around on the barbecue tour,' said Smitty's Market Owner Nina Sells. 'We were struggling, and three years after we opened, they put my son on the cover, and so we saw what it does to your business.' Meanwhile, Kreuz most recently made the honorable mention in 2021. 'We were swamped for weeks after that first issue kicked off, owner Keith Schmidt said. 'I stopped worrying about it. I tried to get my dad to stop worrying. I don't care as long as we're still getting written about.' While it was Terry Black's Austin location that made the Top 50 list in 2017 and its Dallas location in 2021, its other restaurants in Waco, Fort Worth and Lockhart also all benefit. 'There are 100 different top barbecue lists out there. Texas Monthly is the one that matters,' said Terry Black's Co-Owner Mike Black. 'That's the one that everyone wants to be in. If you make the Texas Monthly Top 50 List, you'll see an impact the following day.' How did Lockhart become the Barbecue Capital of Texas? Black's BBQ last made the list in 2013, something Owner Kent Black said doesn't bother him. 'We were already a king before Texas Monthly came around,' Black said. 'It's not frustrating. We're successful, been extremely successful, whether we're on the list or not on the list.' Barb's B Q is the newcomer to Lockhart and made the Texas Monthly's 25 Best New and Improved BBQ Joints in Texas list in 2023, after opening earlier that year. Owner Chuck Charnichart is familiar with the experience, though. She worked at Franklin BBQ in Austin when it was named to the top spot in 2017, and at Goldee's in 2021. 'There's nothing like being at the number one barbecue restaurant,' she said. 'It changes the restaurant for that period of time. Yeah, that list carries a lot of weight.' Texas Monthly's new 2025 list comes out May 27. While the pressure has been off for a while, it's returned. Owners dote on Vaughn when he shows up, offering him free food (he refuses and pays himself) and a spot at the front of the line. They gently nudge him to share what he plans to write about them. 'Everybody knows what season it is right now,' Vaughn said. 'The attitude does change a bit. In some people, you can see a nervousness.' Vaughn shared a story from 2017 when he was working on that year's list. He said he showed up at Snow's BBQ in Lexington, only to see Wayne Mueller, the owner of Louis Mueller's in nearby Taylor, also stopping by for lunch. Wayne stood up and told the owner of Snow's he had to go, knowing Vaughn was likely heading to his restaurant next. 'I think there is a greater meaning to being on the Texas Monthly Top 50,' Vaughn said. 'I think Texas has the best barbecue in the country. So if you're the best in Texas, then you're the best barbecue joint in the nation.' Copyright 2025 Nexstar Media, Inc. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Yahoo
27-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Meet the barbecue leaders behind KXAN's ‘Family Beef' documentary
In Texas' state-designated BBQ capital, two legendary Lockhart families run the town's most iconic barbecue joints as a rising star joins the scene — and all vie for coveted spots on the Texas Monthly Top 50 BBQ list. Explore our project online now and watch the documentary June 5 at 7 p.m. on the KXAN+ smart TV app. AUSTIN (KXAN) — While exploring Lockhart's barbecue legacy, culture and future, we talked with a dynamic cast of characters. Here are some of the voices most prominently featured in KXAN's documentary 'Family Beef.' Helmed by twins Mark and Mike, the Terry Black's brand has expanded to five Texas cities so far with more growth planned. They say their Austin location is one of the busiest barbecue restaurants in the world, serving about 20,000 people a week. Mike initially worked at Black's Barbecue in Lockhart under his uncle, Kent, but according to Mike, they didn't get along. This led the brothers and their father, Terry, to break off and launch their own spot in Austin in 2014. Their venture sparked lawsuits from both sides and created a crack in the family. Kent is a third-generation pitmaster who bought the restaurant from his parents in 2015. Black's began as a meat market in 1932 and has remained in the family since then. From selling snow cones outside the shop as a six-year-old to leading the Black's Barbecue dynasty, Kent has seen his family business — and Lockhart — pioneer Texas barbecue over decades. Before committing to Black's full-time, Kent was an attorney and state prosecutor. That legal expertise resurfaced amid multiple business disputes with his brother, Terry Black, and nephews, Mike and Mark Black. Nina operates Smitty's Market out of Lockhart's oldest barbecue building, which was formerly the site of Kreuz Market. Entering the building is like going back in time, with the walls completely smoked over and the original pit on full display. Nina served as the county clerk for 28 years and inherited the building when her father passed in 1990. Her brother, Rick, got the Kreuz brand. A lease disagreement led Rick to move Kreuz to a new location, leaving Nina to start Smitty's. The dispute has cooled off since Rick's passing, but it remains a defining moment in Lockhart barbecue history. Since its inception in the late 1800s, Kreuz Market passed through a few families and now sits with Keith Schmidt, whose grandfather bought the business from the Kreuz family in 1948. The nephew of Nina Sells of Smitty's Market, Keith was caught in the middle of his father, Rick, and his aunt's business disputes and nationally publicized split. Since taking over the business in 2011 and his father's passing in 2019, Keith has worked to mend his family's relationship with Nina and usher what is likely Lockart's oldest barbecue joint into the modern era. Two years after opening her barbecue restaurant, Chuck has garnered widespread acclaim, from catching the eye of the New York Times to receiving a James Beard Award nomination and Michelin Guide nod. She learned from barbecue legends at Franklin Barbecue (Austin) and Goldee's BBQ (Fort Worth area) before establishing her restaurant in Lockhart two years ago. Pulling inspiration from her Mexican heritage and Rio Grande Valley roots, the Barbs B Q menu reflects the cultural flavors Chuck grew up with — and patrons line up around the block for it. Daniel moved to Dallas in 2001, where he said he became 'enamored' with Texas barbecue almost instantly during one of his first meals in the city. More than 20 years later, he's now the barbecue editor at Texas Monthly with the power to craft the industry's most influential list and catapult barbecue restaurants into the spotlight. The Texas Monthly Top 50 Texas BBQ Joints list comes out every four years. Barbecue's Kingmaker: Meet the man with the final say on BBQ's most important list In preparation, Daniel and his team of tasters narrow down a pool of about 400 places to try. The closer a joint ranks near the top, the more scrutiny and visits it gets from Daniel and Texas Monthly. Copyright 2025 Nexstar Media, Inc. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
