28-04-2025
Are you emotionally fit? Take the test
Dr Emily Anhalt is a clinical psychologist and 'emotional fitness expert'. She co-founded a company that she describes as a 'gym for mental health '. Before you judge, she has consulted for American Express, the NBA, Google, Nasdaq, Unilever, Bloomberg and Spotify, among others. We are communal beings and intelligence is little use without emotional intelligence, she says.
In her new book, Flex Your Feelings — Train Your Brain to Develop the 7 Traits of Emotional Fitness, Anhalt clarifies what being emotionally 'fit' actually is. It is not indulgence, it is 'self-maintenance'. It's about learning effectively to manage stress and your emotions, and she claims it will transform your relationships.
As it is, when the going gets tough, many high-functioning entrepreneurs simply 'work even harder'. Just because people are accomplished and successful, she notes, 'it doesn't mean they don't struggle'. Hmm, are we surprised? Anhalt, 38, is a Silicon Valley native, and presumably has an unending supply of prospective clients.
I'm in a glass house throwing stones, of course. With UK clients, Anhalt confides, she sometimes perceives 'a cultural and societal discouragement of being too focused on feelings'. She calls it 'stiff-upper-lip energy'.
According to Anhalt, there can be a misconception, especially for men, that feelings equate to 'weakness'. She adds: 'What I have seen is that men who are always pushing away their emotions are more likely to be controlled by them. Men who allow themselves to feel their feelings are the ones who can make decisions from a stronger and more grounded place.'
We're talking on Zoom and Anhalt's screen has such fuzzed-out effects she looks almost Disney-like, which is slightly disconcerting. But her every point is pin-sharp. She's also easy company — warm, open and engaged.
Many high achievers assume that once they reach a certain level of success they will feel confident. 'But in my experience, confidence isn't a destination, it is a skill,' Anhalt says. 'And so the goal of emotional fitness is to teach people to build emotional resilience so that they don't just look strong on the outside, they feel strong on the inside.'
And, crucially, you'll be nicer to be around. 'Anything we're trying to pursue in life is going to rely on the relationships that we have,' she says. 'Emotional fitness will strengthen the relationship you have to yourself and others, which will then benefit you, no matter what you're trying to achieve'.
Here's how you can hone those seven traits.
Work on your ability to tolerate discomfort
Tolerance of emotional discomfort is key because 'every single thing that a person wants or needs in life lives on the other side of some discomfort', Anhalt says. She claims that when you can't bear discomfort your response in any challenging situation will be about escaping it, 'and often that's not the most important thing'. Say, if your partner is crying, you might leave the room. Only if you can tolerate uncertainty and not being in control will you be able to 'focus on what's best for the relationship'.
If you can bear discomfort, Anhalt says, you increase your options — for example, saying no to extra work instead of yes. She suggests saying: 'Let me think about that.' It gives you time to calm your nervous system and realise: 'I think no is the best answer here. I can handle this discomfort.'
Anhalt also notes that drinking too much, overeating or overworking is often a way of avoiding difficult feelings. 'If you want to understand why you do something, stop doing it and see how you feel.' Explore the worry beneath. Remind yourself that the discomfort will pass.
Developing curiosity by dissecting your reputation
We sometimes need to be defensive to protect ourselves. 'But often we can be defensive in a way that stops us learning the information about ourselves that we need to know.' Anhalt adds: 'Curiosity is welcoming and even asking for information. If you can tolerate difficult feedback, you will learn, and be better as a result.' She says many entrepreneurs believe that a lack of curiosity (ignoring 'the haters') helped them to succeed. However, Anhalt reminds us that 'the way other people perceive us is important, and if we're not willing to look at that, and adjust ourselves at least some of the time, our relationships won't be as strong'.
Terrifyingly, she suggests asking friends for feedback. I venture that her earnest phrasing on what one could do 10 per cent better, and saying 'thank you for helping me be my best self' is un-British. We settle on 'Be honest — is there anything I do that annoys you?' ('More blunt. That's great,' Anhalt says.) Be routinely curious about yourself. It might feel unacceptable to be angry at your boss, so you might channel that anger somewhere else, Anhalt says, and maybe snap at your kids without realising. Ideally, you might ask, 'Where else might this feeling belong?' But isn't such behaviour unconscious? She replies: 'You're describing exactly why an ongoing mental fitness practice is so important.' So take a little time daily to reflect and internal curiosity becomes a reflex.
Self-awareness is tough (the emotional equivalent of a split squat)
Anhalt says: 'Often, people feel that life is happening to them, and they are not really in control.' She adds, 'Self-awareness is the realisation that you have a lot more agency than you're giving yourself credit for.' She claims that taking responsibility can actually be 'scary but energising'. Self-awareness is the ability to understand your personality traits, triggers, biases, strengths and struggles. And the more you can understand and identify, 'the more capable you will be of understanding and identifying other people's feelings'. Knowing yourself is powerful because then you 'understand the role you are playing in your relationships and in life'.
Still, introspection is tough. Anhalt cites a study that found that most people would prefer an electric shock to sitting with their thoughts. But she claims that if we can put words to what's happening inside our mind and our heart, people are much more likely to be able to support and understand us. She explains: 'If you said to your partner, 'I'm angry at you,' that's helpful, but try switching instead to 'I feel lonely in our conversations sometimes' — isn't that a much more powerful and clear communication? You are sharing a more accurate map of how to get to what you need.'
Resilience is about adaptability not strength
Anhalt describes an entrepreneur whose company collapsed. He moved straight onto his next project, likening it to 'returning to the gym too quickly after an injury'. He hadn't grieved his loss, and remained full of stress, pain and resentment, which negatively affected his decision-making. 'This idea that being resilient means putting your head down and pushing forward no matter what is an unrealistic way of navigating life,' Anhalt says. 'In my mind, resilience is actually about letting yourself acknowledge and feel the difficulties of life — and the moments of beauty and joy.'
Anhalt defines resilience as 'bouncing forward through setbacks and failures instead of bouncing back', adding that rather than trying to erase or deny a bad experience and getting back to where we were, we can use these difficulties as learning opportunities. She describes this as 'going forward with an accurate view'. For example, if we don't acknowledge the pain of a relationship breakup, we carry it with us to our next relationship. Some dreadful experiences are those we just survive, Anhalt says. 'I still believe that resilience means acknowledging it was really hard rather than trying to deny the impact.'
Flex your empathy muscle
Some people intellectually understand another's upset, but aren't willing or able to feel their emotion. That's sympathy. Empathy is superior emotion. 'It's just a completely different experience,' Anhalt says, adding that with empathy, the other person feels far more supported and understood. 'There's a reason that when we go through something really tough, what can often be the most helpful is to find people who've been through a similar thing.' She adds: 'By feeling less alone in an emotion, it becomes more tolerable.'
Empathy also makes you a more effective manager. Anhalt cites a study that found that if bosses were empathetic, 86 per cent of employees would feel more able to handle work pressures. If you're finding it hard to drum up empathy for someone, knowing — even imagining — that there's context to their behaviour can give you a boost. Empathy allows you to move through life more peacefully because you don't take everything personally. And do extend empathy to yourself, Anhalt says. 'It will never work to hate yourself into a better version of who you are.'
• Can you teach empathy? As a psychotherapist I'd say yes
Rest and be more playful
Being playful — to be creative, to do it for fun, not to 'win' — reflects good emotional fitness. It's the opposite of rigidity, and critical to our social, emotional and cognitive development. But child or adult, you have to feel safe to play, Anhalt says. 'Play means you are leaving a protective stance and moving towards a collaborative stance.' Often, a hallmark of a healthy relationship is a playful relationship. If your boss indicates that your job is on the line, or your partner is volatile, you won't feel playful. Instead, you'll toe the line — you won't dare suggest anything new or different. 'Innovation is a direct result of playfulness,' she says.
Communicating is a 'heavy lift' — but it might save your (sex) life
According to Anhalt, communicating well prevents small problems from ballooning. While it involves sharing your feelings, needs and expectations with thoughtfulness and accuracy, she reminds us that you must 'listen as much as you speak'. And ask plenty of questions. Being a skilled communicator enables you to work through conflict collaboratively and repair the relationship after it. 'Let's say you are feeling unsatisfied with your sex life,' Anhalt says. 'But you don't want to say anything to your partner because that would lead to an uncomfortable conversation. A year later, resentment has built. And now you're so unhappy it feels like the only option is to end the relationship or to have an affair.'
Rewind. 'You tell your partner, 'I know this is uncomfortable, but I'd really love for some things to be different about our sex life. Can we think together about what needs to change? Can I share what I'm not satisfied with and what would feel better?'' This could transform your love life (Note: all seven traits might be required for this to happen.) Communication — or the lack of it — might be the difference between a satisfying relationship and no relationship. Anhalt says conflict to a relationship is as exercise to a muscle. 'When we exercise we are damaging our muscle, but when we repair, it heals stronger than it was before,' she says. 'Similarly, relationships that are not afraid of conflict and also repair that conflict — those will be stronger relationships.'
Thriving or just survivng? Take the test
To help you gauge where you are in terms of your emotional fitness, take this simple quiz. On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 meaning this is a huge struggle for me and 5 meaning this is a huge strength for me), how emotionally fit do you feel in each of the seven traits? Let's take each trait one by one.
