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Yahoo
2 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
This Marital Behavior Is Not Only Annoying, It's A Sign You Might Divorce
The silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Stonewalling. Regardless of what you choose to call it, ignoring ― or being evasive toward your partner during an argument ― is a hugecommunication sin in a relationship. Stonewalling may seem like an easy way out of an argument, but do it enough and it's bound to cause problems. In fact, according to renowned researcher John Gottman, routine stonewalling is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. For 40 years, the psychology professor and his team at the Gottman Institute have studied couples' interactions to determine the key predictors of divorce — or as Gottman calls them, 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse.' (A bit dramatic sounding, sure, but we're talking about your marriage here ― go along with it.) Surprisingly, the communication mistakes are more mundane than you'd think: contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling ― the term Gottman uses to describe emotionally withdrawing from your partner ― are the four biggies on the list. When you stonewall, you disengage right when your partner is trying to have an adult conversation with you. Instead of hashing out your issues, you shut down and turn away, leaving your partner feeling overwhelmed, alone and emotionally vexed. What's the antidote to stonewalling? Below, marriage therapists share seven tips for stonewallers in relationships. 'My clients often say they have to shut down in an argument because they risk being flooded and feeling overwhelmed. It's a self-protection mechanism. Knowing this, the other partner needs to be conscious of not overwhelming the stonewaller with too much information. I tell couples to stick to one topic at a time. When the stonewaller hears, 'and another thing...' it's usually too much for them to take in. The only way out is retreat. Some people stonewall but then think about the issue later and might want to come back to talk more. That can't happen if the partner keeps pushing and won't let it rest. Accept the fact that people who stonewall may need to work through things in smaller bites and avoid discussing every problem in the relationship all at once.' ― Vikki Stark, a psychotherapist and the director of the Sedona Counselling Center of Montreal 'If you're a stonewaller, you usually have an internal physiological reactions (increased heart-rate or rapid breathing, for instance) and an external reaction right before you close up: Maybe you physically turn away from your partner or close your eyes and deeply sigh. These are all signs your partner needs to start paying attention to. Discuss what you do during times of distress so you both can recognize the stonewalling warning signs.' ― Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago, Illinois 'A lot of times, you stonewall because you're convinced your partner just won't listen or make any meaningful changes. Instead of continuing to make requests, it's easier for you to just shut up about it, even if it it eats you up inside. Stop doing that. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you fell in love with them because they were witty and funny or because they were giving or helpful. Let them use their better qualities to turn things around. Tell them things you'd like to see changed. Sure, you might risk nagging but at least you're giving your partner (and your relationship) a chance.' ― Aaron Anderson, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado 'Chances are, you're worked up before you stonewall. Continuing a conversation when your heart rate is up and you're flooded with emotion is almost certain to be unproductive because not enough oxygen is getting to your brain. Instead of reacting, you can take deep breaths, go for a walk or distract yourself with an activity you find enjoyable. Don't fume about the conversation and plan what to say next, as this will not help to stop the flooding. It's OK to take some time away from the fight.' ― Kari Carroll, a couples therapist in Portland, Oregon 'Our busy schedules make us susceptible to higher levels of stress and anxiety ― and stonewalling. To avoid stonewalling, it's imperative to be intentional with your partner and set the stage for sharing your feelings. Select a day and time that's convenient for both of you and find a quiet place where you can have a quality conversation. Before you talk, tell your partner, 'I want us to be able to share openly. As you listen, I'd love for you to be fully present and to try to understand my perspective.' Creating a safe space for sharing is a simple way to avoid stonewalling.' ―Deborah Holt, a marriage and family therapist in Dallas, Texas ″You will usually stonewall because your past experience together has taught you that your partner won't listen or do anything constructive with what you have to say. You don't want things to fall on deaf ears again, so you keep whatever you have to say to yourself. Instead of choking it down next time, just put it out there: Tell your S.O. you've felt dismissed in the past and it's led to resentment. Hopefully, this gives your partner a chance to address the problems.' ― Aaron Anderson 'It's perfectly OK to say, 'Can we talk about this a little later? I feel overwhelmed.' That said, don't sit on it for too long; it's important that you give your partner a specific time, within the next 24 hours, when you'll be available to talk about their concerns.' ― Craig Lambert, a marriage counselor in San Diego, California 8 Signs A Marriage Won't Last, According To Divorce Lawyers 4 Things You're Likely Doing That Will Eventually Kill Your Marriage Your Marriage May Be In Trouble If You Resort To This When Arguing The 8 Biggest Relationship Killers, According To Divorce Attorneys
Yahoo
4 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
15 Ways Your Husband Unintentionally Disrespects You Every Single Day
He doesn't have to yell or insult you to make you feel small. Sometimes, the most painful disrespect shows up in quiet moments—in habits he doesn't even realize he's formed. When those behaviors become routine, they don't just chip away at your self-esteem. They shift the emotional climate of the relationship. These are the subtle, often invisible ways your husband might be disrespecting you—not because he's cruel, but because no one ever taught him better. But once you recognize them, you can stop normalizing what's actually hurting you. It's just a glance at the screen, right? Except when it happens repeatedly, it signals that your words don't deserve his full attention. That micro-disengagement adds up—and it hurts. shares that chronic distraction during conversations is a classic sign of emotional disconnection. You begin to feel like you're competing with a screen for affection. And when that screen keeps winning, you stop opening up. Intimacy can't survive when presence is optional. In casual conversations, especially around friends or family, he cuts you off or finishes your sentences. It doesn't always feel malicious, but it subtly communicates that what you have to say isn't as important. Over time, this trains you to stay quiet just to avoid being dismissed. You start censoring your voice without even realizing it. The more it happens, the less seen you feel. And eventually, you start feeling invisible even when you're right there. When his mother makes a passive-aggressive dig or his brother crosses a line and he stays silent, it's more than awkward—it's damaging. Failing to have your back sends a message that your comfort is negotiable. His loyalty becomes conditional, and you're left to defend yourself alone. That silence speaks louder than any insult. It creates emotional distance where there should be trust. And it tells you where you stand—last. It's 'just teasing,' until it's not. Whether he's joking about your driving, your spending, or your habits, it stings—especially when others laugh. These comments chip away at your dignity while letting him maintain the cover of humor. According to research published on repeated public teasing can be a form of emotional neglect and disrespect. You may laugh along to avoid awkwardness. But each joke burrows a little deeper. And you start to wonder why the punchline always seems to be you. He folds laundry or picks up the kids and expects a gold star. Meanwhile, the work you do every day goes unacknowledged. This imbalance quietly reinforces the idea that your labor is expected, but his is exceptional. The Gottman Institute points out that a lack of mutual recognition for shared responsibilities is a warning sign of emotional disconnect. It turns mutual responsibility into a performance. And you're left managing a household and his ego. Respect shouldn't feel like a favor. You go silent—not out of manipulation, but from fatigue or sadness—and he doesn't even ask why. He doesn't notice the change in your tone or the things you've stopped saying. Emotional attunement is absent. This lack of noticing feels like abandonment. You start questioning whether your feelings even matter. And eventually, you start hiding them altogether. You share a win—big or small—and he responds with a shrug, sarcasm, or a quick change of subject. It doesn't seem like much at first, but it slowly teaches you that your success makes him uncomfortable. Or worse—that it doesn't matter at all. Celebrating your joy is part of emotional intimacy. Without it, the relationship becomes emotionally one-sided. You shouldn't have to shrink to be loved. The meals, the laundry, the emotional labor—you do it all. But acknowledgment disappears once the relationship settles into routine. What was once appreciated becomes expected, then invisible. Gratitude isn't just about manners—it's about respect. Without it, everything starts to feel transactional. And the emotional cost is exhaustion and quiet resentment. He makes plans for the both of you without checking. He assumes you'll rearrange your schedule or drop your needs. This isn't love—it's entitlement. Being constantly available isn't sustainable. You become an accessory to his life instead of a partner with your own. And that power dynamic breeds emotional erosion. When you ask for space or take time for yourself, he sulks or makes passive-aggressive comments. He makes your autonomy feel like abandonment. Instead of supporting your need for self-care, he personalizes it. Over time, this manipulates you into shrinking your boundaries. You learn to perform availability to avoid guilt. And slowly, you disappear from your own life. You express frustration or sadness, and he responds with, 'You're being dramatic' or 'It's not that bad.' This may not sound abusive, but it's textbook emotional invalidation. It teaches you to mistrust your instincts. When your reality is repeatedly minimized, you start second-guessing your emotions. That erodes self-trust. And once that's gone, emotional safety follows. You light up talking about a book, a class, or a dream—and he glazes over. He's engaged when it's about him, but disconnected when it's about you. This selective attention isn't neutral—it's neglect. You start internalizing the belief that your joy is irrelevant. And you unconsciously edit yourself down to what's palatable to him. That's not intimacy—it's quiet self-erasure. He vents, unpacks, and offloads—but rarely asks how you are. You become the emotional container, while your own needs go unheard. That kind of imbalance wears you down fast. Being someone's only outlet is not a compliment—it's a burden. And when your own pain has no home, the relationship becomes one-sided. You're not his therapist, you're his partner. When friends or family disagree with you, he sides with them or stays neutral. Your perspective is never the one that matters most. That hierarchy leaves you feeling perpetually unsupported. Trust should live inside the relationship—not outside of it. When it doesn't, you feel emotionally orphaned in your own marriage. And that hurts more than any argument. When you raise a concern, he immediately brings up what you've done wrong in the past. He turns vulnerability into competition. This tit-for-tat mindset kills compassion. It's not about accountability—it's about control. And when every hurt becomes a weapon, healing has nowhere to land. True respect means hearing pain, not deflecting it.
IOL News
26-05-2025
- General
- IOL News
The Four Horsemen of divorce: insights from love researchers to save your relationship
It's natural to feel frustrated occasionally in a relationship. However, when typical grievances evolve into harmful criticism, the bond between partners can suffer. Image: Diva Plavalaguna /pexels If you and your partner struggle to communicate, you're not alone. Relationships can feel like an uphill battle when arguments pile up and moments of connection become rare. Maybe it feels like there's no way to break the cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and frustration. But what if the key to saving your relationship lies in avoiding a few critical pitfalls? Love researchers John and Julie Gottman, founders of the renowned Gottman Institute, have studied relationships for decades. Their research has identified four destructive communication habits they call the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" of relationships. Video Player is loading. Play Video Play Unmute Current Time 0:00 / Duration -:- Loaded : 0% Stream Type LIVE Seek to live, currently behind live LIVE Remaining Time - 0:00 This is a modal window. Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Text Color White Black Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Background Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Transparent Window Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Transparent Semi-Transparent Opaque Font Size 50% 75% 100% 125% 150% 175% 200% 300% 400% Text Edge Style None Raised Depressed Uniform Dropshadow Font Family Proportional Sans-Serif Monospace Sans-Serif Proportional Serif Monospace Serif Casual Script Small Caps Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Close Modal Dialog End of dialog window. Advertisement Next Stay Close ✕ If left unaddressed, the presence of behaviours such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt can predict divorce with an accuracy exceeding 90%. Understanding and addressing these behaviours could help you build a healthier, happier partnership. Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated. Image: Alex Green/ Pexels 1. Criticism: The habit of attacking your partner We all get frustrated sometimes, but when normal complaints turn into toxic criticism, it can damage your relationship. Criticism targets your partner's character rather than focusing on the specific issue at hand. For example: 'You never listen to me. You always care more about your friends than me.' Words like 'never' and 'always' generalise and make your partner feel attacked, leading to defensiveness (another horseman). Instead, try constructive communication. Focus on how you feel and what you need: 'I feel hurt when I don't feel heard. Can we set aside time to talk?' By avoiding blame and emphasising your feelings, you can bring up concerns without turning them into a personal attack. 2. Defensiveness: The shield that blocks accountability When your partner brings up a problem, do you find yourself immediately defending your actions? Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflict and prevent resolution. Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated. Instead of reacting defensively, speaking with relationship coach Kim Polinder suggests taking the '1% test': Ask yourself: 'Is there even 1% truth in what they're saying?' If so, acknowledge it: 'You're right, I should have planned better. I'm sorry.' This small step toward accountability can create space for empathy and problem-solving. 3. Stonewalling: The silent shutdown Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally withdraws during an argument. Maybe they stop responding, physically turn away, or leave the room entirely. While it might seem like they're trying to avoid escalating the fight, this shutdown only deepens the divide. Stonewalling often happens when someone feels overwhelmed. According to the Gottmans, it's critical to recognise when you or your partner needs a timeout to de-escalate tension. However, taking a break doesn't mean ignoring the issue. Take deep breaths, listen to music, or go for a walk to calm your emotions. Image: cottonbro studio/pexels
Yahoo
23-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Couples therapist tip of the day: The No. 1 thing you should never say to your partner in a fight
If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, it can be overwhelming to think about where to start to fix it. Should you focus on little moments of connection, which research has linked to longer, happier relationships? Or should you prioritize avoiding the "4 horsemen" of divorce, coined by leading love researchers John and Julie Gottman? In a previous conversation with couple therapist Sinead Smyth, certified by the Gottman Institute, shared some habits she has in her own relationship thanks to her professional expertise. The No. 1 thing you should never say when fighting with a partner is ... whatever you have the urge to blurt out without taking a beat. 'In the heat of an argument, it's not going to come out well,' Smyth explained. 'So I usually check myself, give myself three seconds.' 'Don't fire off when you're in conflict," she added. "Take a break, even if it's just a few seconds, and make a decision about whether it should be said or not and how you're going to say it.' You may feel like you're supposed to progress past certain conflicts with your partner and get the urge to tell them something to prove your point. But in reality, many of the fights in a long-term relationships stay the same over time, Smyth explained. So, rather than always focusing on your differences in times of strife, it can be helpful to be patient and try to accept that you and your partner are simply different people who may not always agree. Plus, research shows a strong correlation between excessive criticism and contempt toward a partner and eventually separating. Next time to you want to fire off a response in a conflict with your partner, try taking at least three seconds to think about what you want to say first, Smyth suggests. Ask yourself: Is this really necessary to say at all? She also says it can be beneficial to respond with something positive instead of a criticism or retort to make things less heated. TODAY's Expert Tip of the Day series is all about simple strategies to make life a little easier. Every Monday through Friday, different qualified experts share their best advice on diet, fitness, heart health, mental wellness and more. Tomorrow's expert tip will look at how many days a week to walk to boost your heart health — check it out in the morning at This article was originally published on
Yahoo
14-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Why 'Bare Minimum Mondays' Are The Secret To A Lasting Marriage
It started as a TikTok trend: a gentle rebellion against grind culture by doing less on Mondays. But for couples who've been running on fumes—between work, parenting, caretaking, and just surviving—the idea of 'Bare Minimum Mondays' has become something deeper. It's a way to reset, recalibrate, and reconnect. Less hustle. More presence. Because sometimes the secret to a lasting marriage isn't grand gestures or epic date nights—it's doing less together, on purpose. When Monday hits like a freight train, couples often default to parallel lives—each person bracing for their own workweek chaos. But choosing to start Monday with lower expectations creates a shared buffer zone. It's not about productivity; it's about partnership. Whether it's making coffee for each other or walking the dog together, these small rituals build a sense of 'us against the week,' rather than 'me versus the calendar.' According to Psychology Today, shared rituals help couples foster connection, trust, and emotional safety. And on a Monday, that can mean everything. Many marriages crumble not from crisis, but from constant busyness. Bare Minimum Mondays give couples permission to stop doing and start being, for even just a morning. You get to linger in bed, chat without multitasking, or take five minutes to breathe before diving into your separate days. This slowing down creates an emotional exhale. It signals that we're still here, that we still matter, even in the middle of everything else. One of the biggest emotional landmines in a long-term relationship is unspoken resentment. When Mondays are frantic, it's easy to tally who's doing more, who's more stressed, and who's emotionally unavailable. But when both people opt into a slower Monday, the vibe shifts. Instead of silent scorekeeping, you're building something mutually protective. The Gottman Institute says intentionality is one of the most powerful antidotes to disconnection. Bare Minimum Mondays are one simple way to show up on purpose. Our culture rewards overfunctioning. So, in many marriages, at least one partner ends up constantly exhausted and emotionally depleted. Bare Minimum Mondays push back against that dynamic. They create space to rest without shame; when both partners buy in, it becomes a shared act of rebellion. This is especially transformative for couples recovering from burnout or chronic stress. Doing less isn't laziness—it's a survival strategy, and in marriage, survival strategies matter. The average couple talks for only 35 minutes a week—most of it logistical. That's not connection, it's coordination. But when you slow Mondays down, you actually have the emotional bandwidth to talk like humans again. Not just 'Did you pick up the prescription?' but 'How are you feeling about that thing tomorrow?' As outlined by Science Direct, emotional attunement and quality time are predictors of long-term relational health. You don't need hours. You need presence. Bare Minimum Mondays give you that. Gentleness is wildly underrated in marriage. We often save our worst moods and harshest tones for the person we love most, simply because they're there. But when you start Monday from a slower, softer place, your tone follows. You don't bark instructions. You check in. This creates a ripple effect. You're more likely to offer it back when you're met with softness. And that mutual gentleness builds relational resilience. In a world obsessed with KPIs and output, it's easy to forget that emotional intimacy is its own form of productivity. Bare Minimum Mondays force couples to recalibrate: maybe getting out the door slower means we kiss goodbye. Maybe pushing that email buys us ten minutes to sit on the porch together. Reframing productivity in personal life can lead to deeper well-being and connection, as noted by HR Future. In marriage, that shift can be quietly revolutionary. Marriage is a nervous system dance. When one person is dysregulated—rushed, panicked, overstimulated—it affects the other. Bare Minimum Mondays work because they downshift both partners' stress responses in tandem. You're not just calming yourself. You're co-regulating. When couples repeatedly do this, they build safety and trust at a physiological level. It's not romantic. It's neurological. And it's incredibly bonding. Big issues in relationships often start with small misses. A passive-aggressive comment. A dismissive sigh. A missed opportunity to connect. Bare Minimum Mondays create margin to repair those micro-fractures before they grow into something bigger. You get time to apologize, clarify, ask how your partner slept, or say, 'I know yesterday was hard.' These little touchpoints are the glue. For many couples, Monday sets the tone for emotional disconnection. You go into survival mode, and suddenly it's Friday and you haven't had a real conversation all week. Bare Minimum Mondays disrupt that autopilot. They remind you: we get to decide how this relationship runs, not just our schedules. Even a small pause on a Monday morning can recalibrate your week. It reminds you that your marriage isn't just a logistical partnership—it's a living, breathing thing that deserves time and care. Often, one partner in a marriage silently carries the emotional labor of planning, managing, and anticipating everyone else's needs. On Bare Minimum Mondays, the point is to do less—not just physically, but mentally. That can look like not meal planning, not emailing the teacher back, not making the bed. It's an equalizer. It says: we're both allowed to set the bar low right now. That kind of shared permission is surprisingly healing. Rituals are anchors in relationships. They don't have to be fancy or photogenic—they just need to be consistent. A slow breakfast. A no-phone morning. A coffee on the stoop. When Monday becomes a day for less, not more, that ritual becomes sacred. Couples who intentionally co-create rituals report higher satisfaction, lower conflict, and better communication. A ritualized Monday might be the simplest marriage hack you've never considered. Love is about showing up in small ways. Bare Minimum Mondays aren't magic, but it is a deliberate decision to start the week connected, not scattered. To prioritize presence over performance. To build a marriage around intention, not inertia. And that? That's what lasting love is made of. And why Bare Minimum Mondays just might be the answer to our prayers.
