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Boston Globe
16-07-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
It's too much work to have sex with my husband
I'm thinking of telling him I don't want to have sex with him again. It seems like too much work and it is disappointing when he can't perform. Is this a bad idea? Advertisement Of course I've been googling 'sexless marriage.' I read about how much more intimacy can add to a relationship, but it just seems like a waste of time, considering how lackluster things have been. Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up He isn't interested in seeing a sex therapist, although I told him that was the only idea I had for really tackling some of our issues. But he also doesn't jump on the idea of just committing to being sex-free, which frankly surprised me. – Going Without A. I'm not a fan of you saying — or proclaiming — that you want to give up on sex with your partner. It sounds like a punishment. It's also about you making a decision for two people. My advice is to go to the sex therapist on your own. Talk about the issues and ways to process how all of this has made you feel. Tell your husband you'd like him to join you. Maybe it will be less intimidating/scary if he's there on your behalf. We did a podcast episode about a sex therapist last year, and it occurred to me that many people misunderstand what these experts do. Your husband might be imagining — and put off by — things that don't even happen there. (I do recommend listening to that Love Letters episode, called The Pleasure Principle.) Advertisement My instinct is to tell you that physical intimacy doesn't have to be all or nothing — that there's cuddling, kissing, and a bunch of other stuff to do. But I imagine you're sick of reading about all the ways you can almost get what you want. Instead, I'll just say that this starts with therapy. I wish your husband initiated this help for himself, but I also have great empathy for someone who fears being told he's not doing enough, or can't do what makes you happy. After you seek this counsel, you'll be able to tell him what help looks like. Focus on that. Don't make rules. No proclamations about 'never, ever.' You're committed, instead, to learning more. – Meredith READERS RESPOND If you rule out sex altogether, because it's not as spontaneous as it used to be, eventually you may work your way toward justifying infidelity or divorce. I hope you and your husband can find a compatible path to preserving what sounds in many ways like a successful marriage. BLUEAWNING [Don't] start by asking him to go to a sex therapist, which may be extra intimidating. Find a couples therapist who can work with you on communicating. JIVEDIVA Advertisement Listen to the new season of the
Boston Globe
09-04-2025
- Entertainment
- Boston Globe
Men think I'm coming on to them, but I'm just being friendly
However, men of all ages automatically assume I am interested in them — no matter whether they are single or married. And I do not want that sort of attention—I love my husband!! Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up Is there some hidden etiquette I don't understand? Don't smile right away? Don't make eye contact? What am I doing wrong? Should I just not expect to make platonic male friends at my age? Advertisement – Not a Flirt A. In 2025, I love 'opposite problems.' What a gift. Listen, maybe you're fantastic, and for all of these people, it's wishful thinking. I believe that might be very possible. You're confident, you know stuff, you like yourself, and you love being good company. How charming. These days, it can be difficult to make connections and feel like someone gets you. You're making it easy in just a few minutes. It's probably magnetic. Advertisement I wouldn't want you to try to fit into some mold of 'polite woman who doesn't speak to men who are not her husband.' That's a horrible thought. Instead, do what you do. Mention your husband to let the world know he exists. Teach everybody that you can be a straight woman who wants to connect without any expectation for more. If you feel creeped out by anyone, walk away. Be yourself. Also, if we ever run into each other, don't talk to me about F1. I'm happy to chat about sci-fi and movies. Even from your letter, I would like to know what you thought about Mickey 17. You just seem like a good person to talk to about it. – Meredith READERS RESPOND By chance, do you have a habit of staring deeply into people's eyes? Do you not mention your husband early on? Do you park yourself with one man and spend hours talking just to him? Are you drinking a lot when these 'misunderstandings' happen? Ask a female friend or two for feedback, if they have socialized with you in groups. Maybe they can help you rein in your extra-ness somewhat and not send the wrong message. JIVEDIVA 'Men always think I'm coming on to them.' Do they, though? Or are they simply engaged in the conversation and you're doing what you accuse all of them of and think they're into you? GBREAULT85 I don't often feel like men are coming on to me when I am talking with them, but if I were to get that feeling, I think I would just make sure to obviously show my wedding ring. THEGOODPLACE20 Advertisement You're confident, friendly, talk about things men find interesting, and I'm going to assume attractive. Most men find that sexy and it makes them think you are flirting. That's not your problem. There's nothing wrong with you or them. If it becomes an issue, you need to be up front that you are just being a friendly person. If they can't accept/understand that, then they aren't going to be a friend. THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE Listen to the new season of the
