5 days ago
It's Not About Chemistry: The Real Key To Success In Relationships
Like planets needing the perfect distance from the sun to support life, our relationships—whether ... More with spouses, colleagues, or team members—also require the right distance to thrive.
Have you been reconsidering a key relationship in your life—whether romantic or professional? Maybe you feel stuck, frustrated, or disconnected from a colleague, direct report, or life partner, wondering if the distance between you has become too wide to bridge. Before making a life-changing decision, consider a different perspective: what if the issue isn't incompatibility, but rather being at the wrong distance from each other?
As a negotiation expert with decades of experience in helping people navigate difficult conversations—and as a husband, father, and business leader who has faced many of the same challenges—I recently experienced a breakthrough that reframed the way I approach relationship struggles in both personal and professional contexts: the concept of optimal relationship distance.
The Goldilocks Zone of Human Connection
Like planets needing the perfect distance from the sun to support life, our relationships—whether with spouses, colleagues, or team members—also require the right distance to thrive. Too close, and we may feel suffocated or compromise our judgment. Too far, and we may feel abandoned or miss critical opportunities. When we find the sweet spot—what I call the "optimal relationship distance"—we create the conditions for connection, growth, and sustainable success.
A Personal Wake-Up Call (With Professional Implications)
My wife Whitney and I have been married for 14 years. We tied the knot on our undergraduate graduation day and have shared our lives closely ever since. For most of our marriage, our optimal distance has been incredibly close—emotionally and physically. The closer we are, the stronger we feel as a team.
But during one of the most challenging seasons of our relationship, our balance was thrown off. Whitney was in the thick of medical residency, and I was juggling the early days of launching the American Negotiation Institute while also running a law firm. On top of that, we had just welcomed our first child.
The stress, the schedules, and the demands of parenthood meant that we were no longer operating at our optimal distance. We needed more connection, more shared moments, more intimacy—but life had other plans. The emotional distance grew, and so did the tension. Not because we loved each other any less, but because we weren't where we needed to be, relationally.
This experience taught me something crucial that applies equally in business: when high-performing partnerships—whether marriages or professional collaborations—start to struggle, the issue is often distance, not fundamental incompatibility.
Understanding the Friendship Formula in Business and Life
My theory on optimal relationship distance draws inspiration from the work of former FBI agent Jack Schafer and his "Friendship Formula," introduced in The Like Switch. Schafer identified four variables that influence likability: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity.
Here's how these variables apply to both long-term romantic partnerships and professional relationships:
Proximity: Are you physically and emotionally close? In personal relationships, this means shared time and space for intimacy. In business, this is about strategic positioning—being close enough to key decision-makers to influence outcomes, but not so close that you lose objectivity or appear to play favorites.
Frequency: How often are you interacting meaningfully? In the workplace, leaders who interact too frequently with certain team members risk creating perceptions of favoritism, while those who interact too infrequently with remote workers may inadvertently exclude them from opportunities.
Duration: Are your conversations and interactions too short to create depth, or too long and emotionally draining? In hybrid work environments, this might mean ensuring remote team members get adequate face time during critical meetings, not just brief check-ins.
Intensity: Is the emotional tone of your conversations too high, or too low? As a leader, getting too emotionally invested in employee relationships can impair your judgment when making difficult business decisions—you might prioritize friendship over organizational goals.
When you feel stuck in any relationship, consider these dials. Sometimes, the answer isn't to end the partnership—it's to adjust the settings.
Long-Term Success Requires Long-Term Adjustments
One of the biggest relationship myths—in both personal and professional contexts—is that once you "figure it out," things will just keep working. But relationships evolve. Circumstances change. Market conditions shift. And so must the distance.
Consider the remote worker who realizes that key leaders in their organization spend time together in person, sharing informal conversations and opportunities that never reach the virtual team. The solution isn't necessarily to quit or demand relocation—it's to strategically adjust proximity through quarterly in-person visits, increase frequency through regular one-on-one with leadership, and ensure duration of interactions allows for meaningful relationship building.
For Whitney and me, rediscovering our optimal distance took effort. We didn't wait for time to heal things. We communicated honestly, prioritized quality time, and made conscious decisions to get closer again. We had to make our relationship a priority, not just assume it would stay strong on autopilot.
If you're in a long-term partnership—personal or professional—and questioning the future, recognize that success isn't static. Your needs, goals, and circumstances shift over time. Relationships thrive when we respond to that change with flexibility, curiosity, and intentionality.
Practical Scenarios: Applying the Theory
Consider these scenarios:
Personal: You're feeling emotionally drained after every interaction with your partner. Try reducing the intensity or shortening the duration of conversations.
Professional: You find yourself consistently frustrated with a direct report's performance. Instead of increasing pressure (intensity), try adjusting frequency—perhaps more regular, shorter check-ins rather than infrequent, high-stakes reviews.
Personal: You feel distant and unimportant to your partner. Consider increasing proximity with regular check-ins or planned quality time.
Professional: You're working remotely and feel disconnected from company culture and opportunities. Increase strategic proximity through planned in-person visits, virtual coffee chats with leadership, or volunteering for cross-functional projects.
Personal: You find yourselves arguing more often than connecting. Reduce the frequency of stressful conversations and introduce more lighthearted, neutral interactions.
Professional: Team meetings have become contentious. Reduce the intensity by separating problem-solving sessions from relationship-building activities, and increase frequency of informal interactions.
Personal: You both feel like roommates instead of lovers. Increase emotional intensity by revisiting shared goals, values, or even old memories that brought you closer.
Professional: Your team feels transactional rather than collaborative. Increase meaningful connection by revisiting the shared mission, celebrating wins together, or creating opportunities for authentic relationship building.
Each adjustment is a step toward clarity—and potentially, renewed success.
Reflective Questions to Guide You Forward
To help assess whether your key relationships—personal or professional—are operating at optimal distance, consider these questions:
Reclaiming Control Through Clarity
The most empowering part of exploring optimal relationship distance is realizing that you're not powerless. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to walk away prematurely either—whether from a marriage, a job, or a business partnership.
Instead, you can pause, assess, and make thoughtful adjustments.
In the end, this isn't about settling for less or compromising your standards. It's about aligning your relationships—personal and professional—to meet everyone where they are, creating the space, closeness, and mutual respect needed to grow together and achieve sustainable success.
