a day ago
What you should say when your child is struggling – and 4 things you must NEVER utter, from mental health gurus
The way you speak to children can either push them away or build their trust. Here's what not to say. . .
Parenting isn't just what we do, it's what we say, too.
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Finding the right words when emotions are running high can feel like walking a tightrope, says Jessica Agudelo from Mental Health First Aid England. 'The language we use as parents plays a crucial role in shaping how we are perceived by our children.'
We all want our children to feel safe, supported and understood. But these days, three-quarters of parents are worried about their kids' mental health, according to a recent report by Bright Horizons.
And they have every reason to, with one in 10 kids aged 5-16 years old having a clinically diagnosable mental health illness.*
It's a growing problem – hospital admissions for mental health problems in under-18s in England have risen by 65% in the past decade.**
And while the pandemic has had a profound impact, experts say it's not the sole factor.
Without you realising it, your words could unintentionally hurt your child, rather than lift them up, which can influence whether they seek support from you or others.
'The words we choose in everyday interactions can either support and empower, or come across as judgmental and dismissive,' says Jessica.
'Supportive and constructive language helps develop trust and open communication, creating a safe space for children to express themselves, especially when they are having a hard time.'
There is no handbook on how we should parent, so how do we know the right things to say, especially if we didn't receive this from our own parents when growing up?
We asked four children's mental health experts, who are parents themselves, to share the words they try to use, along with one thing they make sure they never to say to their kids.
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WHAT TO SAY. . .
'I'm listening'
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Lisa says: 'When kids are distressed, they don't always know why. When I say: 'I'm listening', I'm letting them know we have time to talk and work out what's going on.
"You don't have to agree with everything they're telling you. Often just feeling heard and listened to really grounds them and helps them regulate their emotions again.
"Kids can balance themselves quickly once they get things out of their system.'
'I'm here with you'
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Jessica says: 'Simply offering silence and a safe, comforting space for your child to process their feelings is often all they need.
"When my daughter was upset recently, I let her scream because that's what she needed. By acknowledging her pain without rushing to fix it, I was showing her that it was OK to feel whatever she was feeling.
"This allowed her to experience her emotions authentically, which is crucial for emotional growth.'
'You should be proud of yourself'
Paul says: 'Instead of saying: 'I am proud of you', I try to say: 'Well done, you should be proud of yourself'.
"I've worked with young people with incredibly low self-esteem and low self-worth.
"By saying: 'I am proud of you', we can unintentionally give the message that success is based on how they make other people feel.
" Telling a child: 'You should be proud of yourself', is far more impactful for building their self-image.
"I always try to say this to my six-year-old son. The radiant smile on his face when he replies: 'I am, Daddy', shows me he knows he can do things that bring pleasure to himself, without seeking approval from me.'
'Nothing you say could make me stop loving you'
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Lynn says: 'I always make sure I acknowledge if a conversation is likely to be hard for them.
"Make it clear that you are proud of the strength they are demonstrating in telling you about their problems.
"As a parent or carer, your child might also be reassured if you tell them there's nothing they could say that will make you stop loving them, and reassure them that they don't have to put on a brave face.'
WHAT NOT TO SAY. . .
'I'll just leave and you can be by yourself then'
Lisa says: 'It's easy to say this when your child is angry and shouting: 'I hate you!'
"But deep down, they don't really want you to leave. Removing yourself also the chance to have a conversation with them and sends the message that if they are cross with you, you'll leave them alone.
" This doesn't mean parents can't think about their own needs, too. You could say: 'You sound really cross right now, shall we talk about it?'
"If they keep shouting, say: 'I know you're cross right now, but I don't like being shouted at, so if you keep shouting at me, I'll need to go into another room for a bit.' It's OK to let them know you have feelings, too.'
'Are you OK?'
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Jessica says: 'It's instinctive to ask: 'Are you OK?' when we sense something might be off.
"But this often doesn't get to the heart of what's going on – it's too easy for kids to brush it off and say: 'I'm fine'.
"Instead, try saying: 'Tell me about your day. What was good about it and what wasn't?' Or: 'I've noticed you seem a bit down today, can we talk about it?'
"These open-ended questions invite a child to share more freely. When they feel heard, they're more likely to open up.'
'Don't cry'
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Paul says: 'Instead, I try to say: 'I can see you are upset, it's OK to cry'. It's important not to make light of or brush aside how a child is feeling.
"This is important for all children, but for far too long we've told boys that crying is weak. Telling a child to suppress emotions is damaging to their development and wellbeing.
"If we suppress feelings of sadness, it can lead to long-term mental health issues, like anxiety and depression.'
'Why can't you just be happy?'
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Lynn says: 'I avoid phrases that create a barrier like this, or: 'Why do you always have to be like this?' and: 'What do you have to worry about?'
"Phrases like this put a wedge between you and the young person. Try to understand that feelings of depression, anxiety and self-hatred are all-consuming and cannot simply be pushed aside – and remember, as an adult, you have more coping mechanisms than they do.'
