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Yahoo
13-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
15 Outdated Etiquette Rules We Can Let Go Of Today
These days, many aspects of traditional etiquette feel outdated. From rigid dress codes to time-consuming formalities, many old rules no longer fit with our modern lives and resources. 'In some of the antique etiquette books in my collection, there are some doozies that would be laughable in today's world,' Jodi R.R. Smith, the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting, told HuffPost. 'I am very fond of saying, 'Etiquette evolves to reflect the time, space and culture of where it is being applied.' Yet the underlying concepts of kindness, grace, consideration, savvy and confidence still apply.' She believes etiquette is like British law in many ways ― finding its foundation in precedent while continually moving forward. 'When we consider the true meaning of etiquette at its core, which is awareness and consideration for others, that has not evolved,' said Mariah Grumet Humbert, the founder of Old Soul Etiquette. 'However, etiquette guidelines for various social and professional situations have kept up well with the evolution of our world and society.' Years ago, there was no such thing as social media or email etiquette, she added. But now, we have to consider many new norms and factors to ensure we're socially aware and emotionally intelligent online. Furthermore, many etiquette protocols are based in antiquated norms that most today recognize as sexist and heteronormative. As our society becomes more inclusive of cultural differences, we are also moving in a direction where highly specific rules have less of a place. 'Contrary to popular belief, etiquette is not an immovable, inviolable set of expectations forged in bronze but rather societal guidelines that are designed to evolve as the culture changes,' said Thomas Farley, aka Mister Manners. Of course, that doesn't mean we throw all traditional etiquette out the window, but there are certain formalities and practices that no longer serve a meaningful purpose. Below, experts break down 15 outdated etiquette rules they believe we can bid farewell to. 'In the past, it may have been considered polite to attend every event that you were invited to, and if you were not able to attend, many would feel an obligation to provide a 'reasonable' excuse,' Humbert said. 'It is not poor etiquette to turn down an invitation as long as you do so in a timely manner.' Ensure you decline politely, and well before the RSVP deadline if possible. 'There was a time when it was forbidden for elbows to be on the table before, after or while dining,' said Jackie Vernon-Thompson, the founder of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette. 'Frankly, at no times were elbows permitted on the table.' These days, the rules have evolved to become a bit looser. 'Despite what you may have heard, you can actually put your elbows on the table between courses,' said Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the 'Were You Raised by Wolves?' podcast. 'But elbows on the table while you're actually eating is still frowned upon.' In fact, there are benefits to having your elbows on the table at the appropriate time. 'After the table has been cleared and everyone is enjoying conversation, it is acceptable to put your elbows on the table at that point,' Humbert said. 'It could actually help you communicate interest and engagement through your body language and help you maintain good posture.' As we are no longer in the era of horse-drawn carriages, and it is no longer the true mark of a gentleman to walk between the street and one's female companion. 'Having originated as a tradition when women's dresses grazed the ground and passing carriages commonly splattered everything from standing water to horse droppings up onto the sidewalk, this tradition has largely vanished,' Farley said. 'Further, if a woman is wearing heels, she may in fact prefer to walk on the street side of the sidewalk rather than the inside, as it removes the possibility of a heel getting stuck in a sidewalk grate, which tend to be closer to the middle of the sidewalk than the street side.' Basically, regardless of the gender makeup of two people walking, there's no strict rule on preferred placement. 'Feel free to wear white after Labor Day!' Leighton exclaimed. Indeed, this is another mandate from a bygone era when wealthy individuals who could take summer holidays away from the city apparently distinguished themselves from their working-class urban counterparts through their attire. 'This rule emerged from upper-class fashion norms, where white was associated with summer leisure,' said Tami Claytor, the etiquette coach behind Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting. 'Today, this restriction is outdated. White can be worn year-round, especially with heavier fabrics and winter styles.' 'While many people were raised with the mentality of 'if you are not early, you are late,' this does not apply to social events,' Humbert said. 'It is best to arrive on time or within 10-15 minutes of the start time out of respect for your host.' We have much more power over how long it takes to get from point A to point B these days, so be considerate of people's set-up time. 'While I certainly love a hand-written thank you note on paper and sent through the mail, it's not always strictly required,' Leighton said. 'A text or email can certainly do the trick sometimes, especially for more casual things or when speed is of the essence. The key is to just express gratitude, so given the choice between sending a voice memo or doing nothing at all, I'd certainly take the voice memo.' Of course, a handwritten thank-you note is still a lovely gesture for formal occasions like a wedding, but expectations have shifted around things like casual birthday parties. 'It is no longer required for every act of kindness,' Claytor said. 'Among younger generations, it is now socially acceptable to send a thank-you note via email or text, especially for informal gestures or among close acquaintances.' 'In the past, this may have been seen as polite towards your host or the person who prepared the meal to finish your entire plate,' Humbert said. 'Today, no one should feel obligated to eat more than they desire. They can compliment the host or chef without feeling the need to finish every bite.' Nobody wants you to overstuff yourself and go home feeling ill. Intuitive eating is much more the norm these days anyway. You may have noticed that the way to address the married recipients of wedding invitations and other more formal mail has shifted. Many spouses have different surnames, and even those who have chosen to take the same name don't expect to only see one of their first names on an envelope. 'Another outdated rule is addressing an envelope to a husband and wife by 'Mr. and Mrs. Husband's First Name + Couple's Last Name' ― for example, 'Mr. And Mrs. James Schuster,'' Farley said. 'Although this is still common practice and regularly used as a format for wedding invitations in particular, ghosting the woman's name entirely is increasingly giving way to 'First Name and First Name Last Name,' with no set preference on which name appears first ― so 'Jane and James Schuster' or 'James and Jane Schuster.'' 'There was a time when regardless of the building the gentleman entered, he removed his hat,' Vernon-Thompson said. 'However, modern etiquette calls for the man to remove his hat depending on where he is. Our culture seems to be a bit more lenient with that protocol.' Indeed, these days wearing a hat indoors is much more acceptable (regardless of gender), though etiquette still dictates removing one's hat in a religious setting or during the national anthem. 'You will notice as you interact with couples, the lady doesn't necessarily wait to be introduced,' Vernon-Thompson said. 'In these modern days, there is no rule [about] who introduces themselves first. With that said, tradition still plays a role.' Similarly, the rule that a man must wait for a woman to initiate a handshake is no longer relevant. 'Everyone should feel empowered to initiate a greeting and/or handshake regardless of gender,' Humbert said. Farley believes another outdated piece of etiquette is 'answering a phone by announcing one's name rather than acknowledging the identity of the person calling when the name of that individual is known thanks to caller ID and the individual is a known acquaintance of the call recipient.' You do not need to state your name whenever you pick up a call. Farley emphasized that you can just say 'Hi, Maggie. How are you?' rather than 'John Smith here.' In addition to being a heteronormative rule, the tradition of the man paying for both himself and his female date is just generally outdated. 'Today, the person who initiated the date is responsible for planning the date as well as covering the bill,' Humbert said. 'While dark colors are still standard at Western funerals, strict adherence to black-only attire is no longer expected,' Claytor said. 'Subdued tones like navy, gray, and muted hues are considered respectful and appropriate.' The rules around mourning attire vary across different cultures as well, so do your research before attending a funeral. For instance, Claytor noted that in Hindu cultures, white is the traditional color choice. Smith pointed to a time in the past when people were expected to submit certain letters around life events. 'We no longer need a letter of introduction when moving to a new city to be allowed to visit with others or join organizations, both religious or social,' she said, adding that we're also thankfully long past the era where women were expected to submit letters of resignation from their jobs in advance of marriage or the birth of a child. 'This rule evolved out of necessity. In the 17th and 18th centuries, women wore dresses with large hoop skirts, and because the skirts were so cumbersome, they needed assistance with chairs,' Claytor said. With today's fashion styles, that practice is no longer necessary in most cases. 'While a nice show of chivalry, it is not an unforgivable breach of etiquette to not help a lady with her chair,' Claytor added. 12 Ways You Might Be Rude At A Wedding And Not Realize It The Rudest Things You Can Do While Parking Who Is Supposed To Host A Baby Shower?
NZ Herald
28-04-2025
- NZ Herald
Airline etiquette: Should you keep shoes on during flights?
Foot skirmishes are becoming a regular problem on planes. Most of them are low-level, resulting in a complaint to the airline. But sometimes, people go too far when they remove their footwear. Back in 2018, Spirit Airlines diverted a New York-Fort Lauderdale flight to Myrtle Beach after the odour of smelly feet developed in part of the aircraft. They even had to call a hazmat team, which failed to find the source of the smell. Should you leave your shoes on when you fly? Passengers have been debating whether it's acceptable to remove shoes on aeroplanes. Some argue it's a matter of personal comfort, while others cite hygiene and safety concerns. But there's some agreement on the question of whether to remove your shoes on shorter flights. 'It's a non-issue,' says Jodi R.R. Smith, an etiquette expert with Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. 'On short flights, you should keep your footwear on for the entire flight.' For longer flights – anything over four hours – it's okay to take off your shoes, especially if you're trying to sleep. 'But only if your feet have zero odour,' she says. But one group of passengers should never remove their shoes, says Rosalinda Oropeza Randall, an etiquette expert. 'If you are seated in the emergency exit row, your shoes should always be on,' she says. 'You have elected to take on the responsibility of calmly and expeditiously being ready to assist. There's no time for a shoe search, untying the shoelace knot, and putting them on.' Also, always, always keep your socks on. And if you need to use the bathroom, put your shoes back on. Because that's not necessarily water on the floor of the lavatory. But you already knew that. So, bottom line: keep your shoes on if you can. But if you can't, then keep your socks on. Absolutely no bare feet on the plane! What if you have foot odour? So let's say you're on a plane on a marathon flight. The guy next to you steps out of his sneakers, releasing noxious gases strong enough to choke you. How do you know if, you know, it's you? 'You know your feet and you know if they smell,' says etiquette expert Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? If you have a foot odour problem, or think you might have a foot odour problem, you'll want to keep your footwear on at all times or find a way of neutralising the smell, for the sake of other passengers. Advertisement Advertise with NZME. Susan Sherren, who runs the travel agency Couture Trips, says the recent confrontations are no surprise to her. Airlines just don't give passengers enough guidance on footwear etiquette. 'These days, people need more specific instructions on how to behave,' she says. 'We are guests aboard these flights. With specific rules of engagement spelled out, we all could have more enjoyable and civilised flights.' Or at least, a better-smelling one. What to do with a passenger whose feet smell Confrontations between passengers who violate the unspoken rules of footwear and those who are having trouble breathing are never, ever easy. I've been stuck sitting next to a passenger whose foot odour was strong enough to summon a hazmat team. It was an attractive young woman whose shoes smelled like rotten eggs. 'A brief, polite question, such as, 'Can you please move your shoes?' Or, 'Would you mind putting your shoes back on?', might be all you need,' says Clara Burke, who teaches business management communication at Carnegie Mellon University's Tepper School of Business 'Focus on the outcome you want: getting their shoes back on.' But I did what most polite airline passengers did; I quietly endured the trip. But I shouldn't have, according to etiquette experts. 'I would contact the flight attendant to handle it,' says Rachel Wagner, an etiquette trainer. What would a flight attendant do? Your cabin crew has been trained to handle situations like this. They can calmly request that the passenger put the offending footwear back on, putting a cork on the smell, at least until the plane lands. That usually works, although in Gautam's case, it did not. You'll recall that he was on a marathon flight to Japan when his seatmate dropped his shoes next to him and then moved seats. Gautam asked the flight attendant for help, but for some inexplicable reason, the airline employee refused, saying the customer was a 'regular' with the airline and that it was okay. Only, it wasn't okay. 'I avoid flying on the airline now,' he says. Good call. Look for more shoe confrontations this year With the northern hemisphere summer travel season coming up, and many Kiwis flying long-haul to Europe to escape the NZ winter, it wouldn't surprise me to see more fights over footwear breaking out in midair. I'll try to remember the advice of the etiquette professionals – keep my shoes on, especially when I'm using the bathroom. Take them off only if it's safe (and by safe, I mean it doesn't affect the cabin air quality). But maybe a solution is up to the airlines. Instead of blanket bans on bare feet, perhaps it's time to tell us what is – and isn't – allowed when we're flying. Isn't that what in-flight announcements are for? Christopher Elliott is an author, consumer advocate, and journalist. He founded Elliott Advocacy, a nonprofit organisation that helps solve consumer problems. He publishes Elliott Confidential, a travel newsletter, and the Elliott Report, a news site about customer service.
