29-07-2025
If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Child, Your Parents Likely Weren't Ready To Have Kids, a Psychologist Says
If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Child, Your Parents Likely Weren't Ready To Have Kids, a Psychologist Says originally appeared on Parade.
Here's something that's hard to swallow, but it's true: parents aren't perfect. Your parents weren't perfect, and if you're a parent, you know all too well that you've been known to make mistakes from time to time. It's called being human. And while many of these slip-ups won't ultimately affect children into adulthood, some do—namely, things that were said thoughtlessly if your parents weren't ready to have kids. Clinical psychologist Dr. Kibby McMahon, Ph.D., CEO and co-founder of KulaMind, a support platform and community for loved ones of people with mental illness, tells Parade about negative phrases that are telltale signs of a mom or dad who were not ready to have children. If these words sound familiar from your childhood experience, some of the phrases may have stuck in your mind to this very day, and they may continue to affect you. Ahead, discover nine of these phrases and find out the specific ways that they might still impact you today. Plus, what to keep in mind about compassion for yourselves and your
Why Are Some People Not Ready to Have Kids?
Dr. McMahon says that, simply, many people aren't ready for the responsibility of becoming parents.'A lot of people became pregnant accidentally at a time in their life when they weren't expecting it,' she explains. 'Others became pregnant because they were following social norms or other people's expectations of them without being ready themselves. For example, many people might have had children just because their partners wanted to or they were 'at a certain age' where all their friends were having children and felt pressure from their families.' But being actually ready to have kids means being prepared on multiple levels: financially, emotionally and socially, as Dr. McMahon puts it.'Some people might feel ready on one level but underestimate the impact of parenting on other areas of their lives,' she says. Related: 9 Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make That Child Psychologists Wish They'd Stop
If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Child, Your Parents Likely Weren't Ready To Have Kids
1. 'You were a mistake.'
This phrase may have come up if your parent was expressing frustration or regret directly at you, and it may have been used as a way to make you feel guilty for your parent's stress or responsibility, as Dr. McMahon says. 'This phrase could be innocuous if the parent is simply describing how they got pregnant without trying or expecting, but were ultimately happy with the outcome,' she notes. 'However, parents may say this to their child in a negative tone, suggesting that their existence is a burden they didn't want.' Related:
2. 'My life would have been so much better if I didn't have you.'
You could have heard this from a parent in moments of frustration, or when your parent was reflecting on their life choices. Dr. McMahon says, 'Of course having kids changes someone's life in significant ways, but if a parent is saying this with longing, they may be thinking about everything they sacrificed.'
3. 'Don't do what I did: you should wait to have kids.'
Dr. McMahon says that in this case, your parent may have been giving you advice about your future career and family plans, but unfortunately, it has a negative connotation that concerns you.'Parents often reflect their own life experiences in the advice they give their children,' she explains. 'They might have good intentions by warning their kids about not rushing the decision to start a family.' Related:
4. 'I didn't sign up for this!'
This loaded phrase may come up when things were particularly hard—your parent may have said this to themselves, to you or to your other McMahon says that the reality of having kids might have hit them at that particular moment, making them realize that it takes a lot more effort, sacrifice or stress than they expected. 'Or even worse—they may have not wanted kids at all, so the reality is that much harder for them to tolerate,' she adds.
5. 'We had you because your mother (or father) wanted it.'
You may have heard this phrase when one parent was talking about how they started a family. Dr. McMahon says that if one parent wasn't ready to have kids, they might talk about it like it wasn't a mutual decision. They might say that only one of them 'wanted' or 'decided' to get pregnant, and they just went along with it. Related: Fathers Who Used These 11 Parenting Phrases Often Aren't as Close to Their Adult Children
6. 'What about how hard this is for me?!'
These words could have been a response to you asking for help, or if your parent was talking about their feelings during a difficult time.'The parent might not have been ready to accept that becoming a parent means putting their children's needs before their own,' Dr. McMahon says. 'Emotionally immature or narcissistic parents might draw the attention back to their own needs when their children are upset.'
7. 'I can't deal with this.'
Dr. McMahon says that you might have picked up on this phrase when you were looking for parental support 'in developmentally appropriate ways, like protection from an older sibling's bullying or calling for the parents' attention during social events.'She goes on to say, 'If the parent responds with 'I can't deal with this,' then they're communicating that they don't have the capacity to fulfill their role as a parent.' Related:
8. 'Why are you like this?!'
Perhaps this phrase came up when you were acting out in public, ignoring your parents' instructions or simply crying.'This phrase is especially harmful if said to the kid directly when they're young,' Dr. McMahon explains. 'Parents who aren't ready to have kids may not understand that children have developmental limitations on how well they're able to listen to instructions, understand rules or inhibit their own behavior. While every single parent can get frustrated when their kids act out, this phrase has a judgmental and blaming tone, as if it's the kid's fault.' Related:
9. 'Having kids was really lonely.'
If your parent said this phrase when talking about how their life changed when starting a family, it could denote that they weren't ready to have McMahon says that this phrase is a subtle one. 'While all parents experience a huge shift in their social life, this shift may have been more drastic for parents who weren't ready—their friends were not settling down, their family wasn't supportive or they didn't have the chance to build a support network,' she explains. 'Parents will hint that they had a sudden loss when they became parents if they didn't have the resources to support that transition.' Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
What Impacts Can Be Seen in Children During Adulthood?
Of course, this is all in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it now. But you can look for the signs that these phrases deeply affected you and your development, and you can practice some self-compassion sign is that you experienced something that Dr. McMahon refers to as 'parentification.' This is when children have to take on the role of the parent before it's developmentally appropriate. 'For example, they might become the source of emotional support for their parents or take care of household responsibilities,' Dr. McMahon says. 'Adults who were parentified as children are typically hyper-responsible and always in the role of 'the responsible one' or 'fixer.' Some of them might show symptoms of anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorders, as they were given responsibilities before they were developmentally capable.' Related:
Dr. McMahon says that another effect might include a deep sense of shame, believing that these children, now in adulthood, are a burden to other people. 'They grew up with parents who treated their needs as 'too much,' so they may refrain from asking for help or relying on other people,' she explains. You may also have a complex relationship with your parents that ranges from 'resentful estrangement' to 'enmeshment out of guilt,' as Dr. McMahon describes it. This can result in insecure attachment with your parents since you didn't grow up with a model of secure attachment.
It isn't a bad thing to see that your parents made some missteps while you were growing up. In fact, Dr. McMahon says that people are becoming increasingly aware of how emotionally immature or incapable their parents you should also give your parents some grace.'Although this allows people to recognize and heal from childhood trauma, it also demonizes these parents,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'In reality, no one is 100% ready to have children, as it's almost impossible to know what it's like until you actually have them. Being ready to have kids takes long-term planning and emotional maturity that many people just aren't capable of. So people who were raised by people who weren't ready to have kids should balance compassion for themselves and their parents who were trying their best under less than ideal circumstances.'
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Dr. Kibby McMahon, Ph.D., CEO and co-founder of KulaMind
If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Child, Your Parents Likely Weren't Ready To Have Kids, a Psychologist Says first appeared on Parade on Jul 28, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 28, 2025, where it first appeared.
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