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Yahoo
16 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
What Is 'Soiling the Nest'—and Why Your Teen Might Be Acting Out Before Leaving Home
As parents, we often expect our child's transition from home to be one filled with happy memory-making and bonding. Instead, we sometimes find ourselves in a situation that makes absolutely no sense. Before our child spreads their wings and leaves there may be flaring tempers, rebellion, and angry outbursts—which may leave many of us hurt, scratching our heads, and wondering what exactly is going on. Some mental health professionals refer to this phenomenon as 'soiling the nest,'—the period of time before your adult child leaves home that is often marked by increased tension and conflict. In place of the sweet memories, long talks, and frequent hugs we expect, we find our house is filled with friction, confusion, and disappointment. Keep reading to find out why soiling the nest happens, what you can do about it, and why it actually might be perfectly normal behavior. "Soiling the nest" is a psychological term describing a phenomenon where teens, as they prepare to leave home, engage in conflict or negative behavior in order to make the transition easier, says Samantha Potthoff, MA, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of The Therapy Collective of California. 'The phrase originates from observations in nature, particularly in birds, where fledglings may disrupt their nests before leaving, signaling readiness for independence,' says Potthoff. 'In humans, the transition from child to teenager to adult can be marked with tension or distance to ease the transition.' She says signs your teen might "soiling the nest" include: Criticizing family rules Picking fights over trivial matters Rejecting family traditions Expressing disdain for parental habits Complaining about meals they once enjoyed Mocking family values Withdrawing emotionally Creating tension and drama frequently Testing boundaries 'This behavior serves an unconscious emotional function,' says Potthoff. 'It helps teens manage the anxiety of leaving home by making separation feel more necessary or deserved. Conflict creates emotional distance, reducing the guilt or fear of abandoning their family. It also allows them to test their autonomy.' When preparing to leave the home or go to college, teenagers are in the process of developing their own identities and asserting independence, says Robin Hershkowitz, MSW, LCSW-R, the associate vice chancellor for the Office of Student Mental Health and Wellness and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at New York Medical College. Hershkowitz says the trust that exists between you and your teen helps them not only feel safe with you, but also in the world. So, when they are approaching young adulthood, they are confident enough to explore, develop, differentiate, and consolidate their own identities. 'It is critical to understand that this behavior is not a rejection of the parent-child relationship; it is instead a mechanism for the teen to navigate their own transition into adulthood,' says Hershkowitz. Teens are in the phase of exploring their roles, discovering their adult selves, and seeking independence, she explains. Fear around the upcoming adjustment, anticipatory anxiety, and positive emotions such as excitement can also trigger them to act out. 'So, their response is a way to cope with those negative or conflicting feelings by helping them create space and emotional distance from their caregivers,' she says. Keep in mind that your teen is wired for separation, says Brandy Schumann, PhD, LPC-S, NCC, RPT-STM, CCPT-S, CPRT-S, a licensed professional counselor and clinical professor at SMU. In this stage, teens tend to be emotional, impulsive, reactive as they try to make sense of big feelings and adjust to their newfound independence. 'Leaving home, even when exciting, is still a loss, for both parent and child,' she says. '[Teens] are trying to figure out who they are outside the family structure. They've likely outgrown the role they are currently in and are in transition to fit in the next. And that's messy.' Unfortunately, parents sometimes interpret the same behavior as rejection or failure, she says. But for many teens, it reassuring to know that there's a safe space for them to express themselves. 'NurtureShock by Po Bronson explains this beautifully,' says Schumann. 'Teens often argue or push back not because they feel disconnected from their parents, but because they feel secure enough to do so. To them, conflict is a sign that the relationship is strong. They can push and still be loved.'"Teens often argue or push back not because they feel disconnected from their parents, but because they feel secure enough to do so. To them, conflict is a sign that the relationship is strong. They can push and still be loved"Remember, your teen's behaviors are not motivated by a desire to cause harm, says Hershkowitz. 'It may feel like they are intentionally trying to cause distress, but in fact they are working something out. Their ability to be emotional and show that reflects that they feel safe enough with you to do so. The distinction here is crucial.' It's also important not to confuse this normal developmentally-appropriate behavior with toxic behavior. Hershkowitz says toxic behavior would look different, such as making choices that are reckless, causing harm to themself or others, and abusing substances. Unhealthy behavior also include aggression, isolation, and withdrawal from friends and family, she says. 'Emotionally, [toxic behavior] would look like intense, prolonged changes in mood—including chronic irritability, or sadness,' says Hershkowitz. 'Anything that persists for two weeks or longer, consistently, should be evaluated by a mental health professional.' If you're having trouble determining whether your teen is behaving normally or not, Schumann suggests asking yourself: Does your teen come back to center eventually, even if things get tense? Are there still glimpses of affection, humor, or connection? If the answer is yes, it's likely part of the natural push-pull of launching, she explains. 'Toxic behavior usually lacks that return-to-relationship and often involves ongoing harm or disrespect with no accountability,' says Schumann. 'It's important not to take these moments too personally or mistake emotional growth for rejection.' If you find that your teen is soiling the nest, Veronica Lichtenstein, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor and owner of Veronica Listens, suggests staying calm and communicating with your soon-to-be young adult. If you're feeling particularly emotional, it can help to mark your calendar for two to three campus visits each year. Not only do you have something to look forward to, but visual reassurance eases separation anxiety for both of you, says Lichtenstein. Also, prioritize FaceTime over text—seeing their face can reveal more than emojis ever could, she says. 'Even with all my training, this shift is a big one,' says Schumann, whose daughter is gearing up to leave for college in the fall. 'The grief of letting go is real. I've found myself missing the old rhythms of our relationship and sometimes feeling completely off-balance. But in the middle of all that, I've also gotten to witness who she's becoming and that's been deeply moving.' It also dawned on Schumann that parents are going through a developmental stage, too. 'We don't talk about it much, but we should. While our kids are launching, we're adjusting emotionally, mentally, and financially. Many of us are also part of the sandwich generation—supporting aging parents while parenting kids who are technically adults but still fully on our phone plans, health insurance, and…our tax returns.'According to Hershkowitz, feeling sad or upset does not mean something is wrong, or that you are not happy your teen is going to college and growing up. Instead, it reflects the strong relationship you built and is a natural, justified response to this life transition, she says. Here are some ways she says you can ground yourself during this transition. Embrace change. Change is a constant part of life, and by allowing for this change without challenging it can be adaptive, she says. Also, allow yourself time to adjust to your new normal. Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment, she says. Maintain a sense of normalcy. Having structure and routine can support transitions and help you feel organized and grounded, she says. Take care of yourself. This will mean something different for everyone, she says. 'For some, it may mean talking to a friend who understands, for others, it may be practicing mindfulness or spending time outside, in nature. Whatever it is, create a dedicated, scheduled time for self-care.' Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can control and influence, and release what is beyond your control, she says. 'Setting small goals can be helpful because it enables you to track progress and break tasks down into more manageable steps.'Once your child has officially left the nest, don't be surprised if you experience some relief mixed with sadness, says Potthoff. Over time, you may even come to embrace your newfound freedom. That said, your teen's absence also can expose parental identity loss as well as unresolved marital dynamics, she says. Some parents even experience "empty nest syndrome,' which includes intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, and loss. To navigate this Potthoff recommends reconnecting with your partner if you have one and rediscovering shared interests outside parenting. You also should use this time for hobbies, career shifts, or self-growth. Of course, you'll also want to communicate with your child even though they are no longer at home, she says. But give them space. Check in without pressure and make sure they are doing OK without controlling them or offering too much unsolicited advice. Also keep in mind that those first visits home may bring renewed conflict as the child reimagines their role in the family, she says. '[Your teen] is learning how to navigate their world without you next to them, knowing you are there when and if they need you,' adds Hershkowitz. 'Ask them how you can stay in touch, what would work best for them, and do not hesitate to tell them you love them, without causing any guilt or expectation that they must be in touch with you all the time.' Find a balance of being available and allowing them to be mildly uncomfortable, she says. 'You want to remind them that they have the ability, skills, and tools to figure this out. If [you] swoop in, then your teen cannot learn to do it for themselves, which is needed to develop a sense of mastery and feel competent.' Read the original article on Parents
Cosmopolitan
a day ago
- General
- Cosmopolitan
30 Best Foreplay Ideas and Tips For Even Better Sex
Romantic comedies and erotic novels might make it seem like one second people are getting rained on, and the next, they're ripping each other's clothes off in the hallway, but that's not always the case. IRL, people are busy! I'm talking half-finished to-do lists, existential dread, and the ongoing debate about whether or not we should get bangs. Sex isn't always top of mind (sorry, Nicholas Sparks). And that, my dear friends, is where foreplay comes in. At its best, foreplay builds anticipation, creates emotional closeness, and gets your body and brain so turned on that the sex that follows (if another type of sex even follows—more on that in a sec) feels next-level. 'In most relationships, foreplay is defined as any sexual activity that induces arousal,' says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a Kinsey-certified sexologist and professor of sexual communication. 'Many people experience what's called 'responsive desire.' They don't necessarily feel turned on until their body is properly stimulated.' While this can be the case for anybody, it's especially true for people with vulvas. 'Gentle buildup through extended foreplay nurtures arousal and makes sex more pleasurable and less uncomfortable,' explains Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, chief sexologist at SXWA. ICYMI: Studies show that over 75 percent of people with vaginas need more than just penetration to orgasm. Which means if you skip foreplay, you kiiiinda skip the part that actually helps many folks want to have sex in the first place. You say it's a chicken/egg thing, I say it's a 'you need to start doing foreplay if you ever expect to get laid' thing. (Respectfully.) So! Basically! If you want better sex, start with better foreplay. And lucky you, we've got 30 of the best moves to get you going, and take your ~sexperiences~ from 'meh' to 'I'm about to make you forget your name.' If the word "foreplay" makes you picture some half-hearted groping before things 'really' get started, go ahead and delete that file from your brain. Foreplay isn't the bread basket at a restaurant (unless you sometimes just eat the bread basket and skip the rest of the meal because the bread basket is so good. In that case, you're correct). It's the connection, the build-up, the literal and emotional lube that makes everything hotter, deeper, and way more satisfying. Cue: hot kisses, flirty sexting, sensual massages, and even just whispering something dirty while you're doing the dishes. 'Foreplay is the art of connecting deeply through body and mind,' says Dr. Joy. 'It lubricates your emotions, your thoughts, and your body.' So no, it's not just a few minutes of pawing at each other before penetration. It's the thing that makes you want to rip each other's clothes off in the first place. Foreplay can also help your body physically prep for pleasure. It can enhance blood flow, increase nerve sensitivity, and reduce pain or discomfort during sex, especially for people with vulvas. 'When you give yourself time to gradually increase blood flow, it reduces the likelihood of discomfort,' Dr. Joy explains. 'It also deepens psychological attraction.' So if you've ever thought, 'Hmm, this would be a lot more enjoyable if my body were actually into it,' you're not wrong. That's literally what foreplay is for. And it doesn't even always have to be viewed as a 'before' thing. Oral sex, heavy petting, mutual masturbation, and even dry-humping can totally be the main event! If you stop viewing foreplay as something you 'squeeze in' before the real sex starts, and start savoring it, you'll be surprised at how mind-blowing intimacy can be. In other words, foreplay is a lot of things, but it's not a hurdle, a formality, or a five-minute detour on the way to penetration. It's the part that makes the rest of sex—if and when you get there—actually worth having. Foreplay doesn't have to be some elaborate, candlelit production (unless that's your thing—in which case, carry on). Sometimes, the hottest moves are the simplest. Whether you've got five hours or five minutes, these expert-backed tips are here to turn the heat all the way up. 1. Start Sexting ASAP. Sexting is one of the easiest, most effective ways to build arousal, specifically for people who need a little mental warm-up first. '[People with vaginas] can get wet from just the right kind of sexting,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. 'Compliments, anticipation, the naughtiness; it's perfect foreplay without touching.' This could be a mid-morning text like, 'Can't stop thinking about you in that shirt,' or a late-afternoon voice note about what you plan to do later. The point isn't Shakespearean wordplay. (Unless that does it for you, in which case, again, carry on!) It's curiosity, confidence, and a liiiittle restraint. Build the suspense early, and by the time you're actually together, you're both already halfway there. This one might sound like a wellness retreat activity, but stick with us. Lying close to your partner and matching your breath to theirs can activate a deep sense of connection and intimacy, especially if sex has started to feel rushed or mechanical. 'When you match your breathing, you sync up energetically,' says Berkheimer. 'It increases oxytocin and helps you stay present in your body.' Try this during a quiet moment (so no TV, no scrolling, and no pressure to perform). Whether you're spooning or just lying face-to-face under the covers, focus on feeling their chest rise and fall with yours. It's grounding, sexy, and a surprisingly effective way to flip your brains into a shared, sensual mode. 3. Casually (And Consensually) Grope Each Other. Spoiler: Not all foreplay needs to have Bridgerton-level choreography. In fact, the little touches throughout your day—like pulling your partner close while they're loading the dishwasher or grabbing their butt while they're brushing their teeth—might do more for long-term desire than an elaborate lingerie moment. 'Playful touch keeps you attuned to your partner and releases oxytocin,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. 'It helps build anticipation throughout the day.' The keyword is consensual. You're not springing surprise boob grabs here. You're engaging in playful, familiar touch that reminds your partner: Hey, I still want you. And sometimes, that reminder is all it takes to get the mood going early. 4. Whisper Something Dirty. Sometimes it's just about saying the one line that hits. 'I want to feel you later.' 'I can't stop thinking about last night.' 'What would you do if we didn't have to be somewhere in ten minutes?' Suwinyattichaiporn calls this 'mental foreplay,' and says it's just as important as anything physical. The best part? You can do it literally anytime. Lean in while your partner's making dinner. Drop it into a text in the middle of the day. Murmur it during a kiss and then walk away like you didn't just blow their mind. Confidence = hot. Leaving them wanting more = even hotter. 5. Dance Together (No Rhythm Required). You don't need a big romantic moment to turn a slow dance into serious foreplay. 'Moving to music creates physical synchronization and undeniable desire,' says Berkheimer. Even if you're just swaying in socks on the hardwood floor or slow grinding in your kitchen to a playlist you haven't updated since college, that body-to-body contact stirs something primal. It's also low-effort and high-impact. No need to make it sexy—just let it be sexy. Your hand on their hip. Their breath near your neck. That tiny spark of tension that says, This could go somewhere if we wanted it to. That's foreplay, baby. 6. Explore Each Other in the Mirror. It might sound intimidating at first, but hear us out: Watching yourselves during foreplay can seriously boost arousal. Whether you're undressing each other, kissing, or experimenting with touch, using a mirror adds a layer of visual stimulation that makes everything feel heightened. 'Mirror exploration can increase body acceptance and help you discover new erogenous zones,' says Berkheimer. It also slows things down. Instead of racing toward a finish line, you're both fully in the moment, seeing each other—really seeing each other—and reacting to the buildup in real time. Yes, you might giggle at first. That's fine! Do it anyway. 7. Compliment Their Sex Appeal. There's a time and place for, 'Thanks for folding the laundry,' but it's not when you're trying to seduce someone. If you want to turn your partner on, start by helping them *feel* hot. 'Say something like, 'You have such a nice body' or 'I love the sound of your voice,'' says Suwinyattichaiporn. 'These kinds of compliments increase confidence, which helps you feel more desirable and turned on.' The goal isn't flattery, it's anticipation. By focusing on their physicality, voice, energy, or even how they move, you're signaling that you see 'em, you want 'em, and you're already envisioning doing very naughty things with 'em. 8. Make a Sexy Bet. A little competition can be very good for your sex life. 'Playful challenges or bets create curiosity and anticipation,' says Berkheimer. They also open the door to power dynamics and teasing, two underrated foreplay tools. Try, 'If I win, you have to kiss me everywhere but my mouth.' Or, 'Loser has to do whatever the winner says for five minutes… in bed.' It's silly, it's fun, and it invites intimacy without pressure. Plus, who doesn't want a little incentive to win? Just remember it's still fine to say "no" during. This is about fun, not forcing your partner to do something they're not cool with. 9. Use a Toy on Them. Sex toys aren't a replacement for intimacy; they're a boost. Suwinyattichaiporn calls them 'extremely effective and fun,' especially during foreplay, yet many people still avoid them due to shame or outdated ideas about what 'should' be enough. Whether it's a wand vibrator, a bullet, or a cock ring, incorporating toys together can help you explore new sensations, boost arousal, and totally change the rhythm of your usual go-to moves. Not to get all corporate on you, but think of it as collaborating on pleasure versus outsourcing it. 10. Trade Fantasies Out Loud. Here's your reminder that foreplay isn't always physical. 'Verbalizing fantasies intensifies mental arousal,' says Berkheimer. Even if you never plan to make them happen, sharing what turns you on in theory can be just as powerful as doing it in practice. Pick a low-stakes moment—maybe while lying in bed or post-makeout—and say something like, 'I've always wondered what it would feel like to…' Then pause and let them fill in the blanks. You might discover you're on the same wavelength or, even better, turn each other on in totally unexpected ways. Foot play isn't just for niche TikToks and fetishes—it's a great form of sensual touch. 'Feet have a lot of nerve endings and can be so sensual,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. A gentle rub, kiss, or even a light scratch can activate areas of the body that don't usually get attention, which makes them extra receptive to sensation. The trick? Keep it clean, keep it slow, and read your partner's cues. You might be surprised at how fast a foot rub can turn into full-body tension. And if it doesn't? You still just scored points for giving them a massage. Win-win. 12. Send a Voice Note They Can't Open in Public. A text is hot. A voice note? Unhinged in the best way. 'Sending sexy stories or compliments by voice builds anticipation,' says Berkheimer. The added layer of your actual voice—the pace, the tone, the breath between words—adds intimacy no emoji ever could. Pro tip: Make it short and NSFW enough that they *have* to wait to hear it. The buildup becomes its own form of foreplay. And once they finally hit play? Let's just say you won't need to do much more talking. 13. Give Them a Gift. If your partner's love language is gift-giving, this one's criminally underrated. 'Receiving a gift can be sexually arousing for some people,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. It doesn't have to be anything wild, just a little something thoughtful (a massage candle, a spicy book, that new toy you've been hinting at) paired with a smirk and a slow unzip. It's not about materialism; it's about surprise, effort, and being seen. 14. Try Mutual Masturbation. Okay, so watching your partner turn themselves on is hot. Like, wildly hot. 'We like to witness pleasure in others—it reflects what we may look and feel like when we're in it too,' says Berkheimer. Mutual masturbation can be an incredible way to learn what your partner likes, show them what works for you, and build a ton of arousal without needing to go all the way (unless you want to). It's also ideal if you're not quite in the mood for penetration but still want closeness. You're side by side, tuned in, and free to watch, react, and join in at your own pace. 15. Do a Guided Sex Meditation Together. Ready for this one? Suwinyattichaiporn recommends trying a guided sexual meditation to build desire, focus your attention, and foster connection before things get physical. 'It creates sexual energy and intimacy without rushing,' she says. You can find these on YouTube or dedicated apps (Suwinyattichaiporn even has her own). Try it together before bed or during a lazy weekend afternoon. It's like a mental foreplay pregame that gets your bodies and minds in sync. 16. Make Eye Contact for a Full Minute. This one sounds simple until you're actually doing it. Sitting face-to-face and holding eye contact for 60 full seconds can feel… intense. Maybe even a little uncomfortable. But that's kind of the point. 'This simple act stimulates the nervous system, deepens arousal, and makes even a short moment intensely intimate,' says Berkheimer. Try it before sex, after a fight, or when you're feeling a little off. It's weirdly grounding, and it activates a kind of 'Oh right, I like you' chemistry that gets drowned out by daily chaos. Add touch, and you've got a whole experience. You don't need to do a full strip tease (unless that's your thing). But slowing down and watching—whether you're undressing them or they're taking off their own clothes—adds a level of control and attention that's deeply erotic. It's a reminder that foreplay isn't always about touching. Sometimes, it's about looking. Let your eyes linger. Let them feel seen. Let it take longer than it needs to. That tension? That's what gives you the will-they-won't-they vibes. 18. Try a Sensual Massage. This isn't the 'rub their shoulders for 30 seconds before pouncing' kind of massage. This is slow, intentional, exploratory touch with zero goal beyond pleasure. 'Sensual massage, including yoni or prostate massage, can create heat and connection without pressure,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. Set the mood—low lighting, lube or oil, music that doesn't kill the vibe—and start somewhere unexpected, like their hands or calves. The longer you take, the more arousal builds naturally. Sometimes the hottest thing you can say is, 'Don't worry, I'm not trying to have sex. I just want to make you feel good.' 19. Make Out Like It's Prom Night. When was the last time you kissed for more than a few seconds without it being a means to an end? 'Extended make outs build oxytocin, spark arousal, and help couples reconnect,' says Berkheimer. So ditch the pressure to get naked immediately and just… kiss. Try it on the couch. In the car. Against the kitchen counter. Bonus points for making out in a semi-public place (not that public—let's stay legal). That sneakiness? That teen-romance energy? It's pure gold. 20. Give Each Other Compliments All Day. Foreplay doesn't have to start in the bedroom—it can start over morning coffee. Try saying things like, 'You looked so good getting out of bed this morning,' or, 'I couldn't stop staring at you during that Zoom call.' These aren't about chores or parenting wins. They're about desire. 'Words of affirmation increase self-esteem and desire,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. The more they feel wanted throughout the day, the more turned on they'll be when things finally slow down. Think of it as a breadcrumb trail straight to the bedroom. 21. Tell Them Exactly What You Want to Do. Being casual isn't always the play, and TBH, sometimes the hottest move is just saying the thing. Suwinyattichaiporn notes that direct sexual communication is strongly tied to satisfaction: 'Instead of hinting, say, 'I want to use this toy on you and watch you lose it.'' It doesn't have to be poetic—it just has to be honest. Think: What do you want to do to them? What do you want them to do to you? Say it. The confidence alone is enough to get someone undressed. 22. Try a Tantra-Inspired Erotic Touch Session. If you've been stuck in a physical rut—or just want to slow things way, way down—this one's worth trying. 'Conscious erotic touch or tantra massage doesn't require orgasm or even genital touch,' says Berkheimer. 'It's about breath, connection, and tuning into sensation.' Sit facing each other. Use your hands, your lips, or just your breath to explore each other's bodies. The catch? There's no agenda. Set a timer for 10 minutes if you need to. The goal here is to feel, not to perform. 23. Write Them a Quick Fantasy This is foreplay meets fan fiction. Write a short note or text about what you want to do to them (or what you would do if you had no time limits, no kids in the house, no laundry in the dryer, etc.). It doesn't need to be elaborate. Just honest, specific, and maybe a little eye-roll-y—but in a fun way. You can leave it on their pillow. Text it to them mid-meeting. Or better yet, read it out loud while they squirm. Arousal that starts in the imagination hits differently. 24. Make Shower Time… Not About Showering. It doesn't always have to lead to shower sex. Sometimes, standing under warm water together, running your hands over each other's bodies with zero rush, is enough to shift your brains into a shared, turned-on headspace. 'Even brief moments of intentional skin contact can deepen desire,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. Plus, um, you're both already naked? So it's the easiest, most accessible setting for casual foreplay—especially when time is tight and you've only got a few extra minutes before you'll be late for work. 25. Lightly Scratch Them. Light scratching might not sound sexy, but once you try it, you'll understand. 'Unexpected touch in sensitive areas—like the back or thighs—can activate nerve endings and heighten anticipation,' says Berkheimer. It's about giving just enough sensation to wake the body up without overwhelming it. Use your nails. Use your teeth. Use the back of your hand. It's not about pain—it's about stimulation. Done right, it's a shiver-inducing kind of tease that makes them want more immediately. 26. Watch a Steamy Scene Together. You don't need to fire up full-blown porn to get turned on together. Sometimes, a good sex scene from your favorite messy drama (hi, Outlander) is more than enough to get the wheels turning. 'Shared arousal—even from fictional sources—can create a low-pressure space to explore desire,' says Berkheimer. So sit close, react out loud, and let the tension build between you. It's like watching the trailer for what could happen later. Trying something new doesn't mean you're bored—it means you're invested AF. 'Novelty helps keep long-term desire alive,' says Suwinyattichaiporn. A new scent, sensation, or texture can reinvigorate your usual rhythm and get you both back into discovery mode. Pick up something you've never tried, like warming lube, flavored oil, or even a massage candle, and pull it out when they least expect it. The goal isn't to blow their mind. It's to change the pace, just enough to make things feel fresh again. 28. Sit in Their Lap. This one's shockingly underused. Berkheimer says sitting in your partner's lap—especially while making eye contact or pressing your bodies together—sends a very clear signal without saying a word. 'Physical closeness activates emotional bonding and arousal,' she explains. Try it during a conversation. Try it while you're scrolling. Try it while you're pretending to scroll. If they weren't thinking about sex before, they will be now. 29. Take a Nap Together (No, Really). Foreplay isn't always about getting things going. It can also be about making space to want each other again. 'When you're exhausted, intimacy sometimes means letting your bodies rest together,' says Berkheimer. 'Sharing quiet time often builds the emotional safety that leads to better sex later.' So yeah, that shared nap on the couch? That counts. Especially if you wake up tangled, relaxed, and maybe even half-naked. You know the one. That fantasy you're too shy to bring up. The move you've been wanting to try. The compliment you think but never say out loud. 'That level of honesty deepens desire and emotional intimacy,' says Berkheimer. Foreplay can absolutely be physical, but it can also be vulnerability, risk, and a big, hot leap of faith. So take it. Say the thing. The sex you want starts there.
Yahoo
5 days ago
- Health
- Yahoo
What Age Is Right for Dating? Therapists and Parents Weigh In
I can still remember the day my 5-year-old son started telling me all about his four (!) kindergarten girlfriends. I thought it was pretty darn cute and, to be honest, I was just relieved that my shy and sometimes truculent little kid was making friends with such ease. Now that my daughter (who is my oldest child) is 10 years old and definitely on the cusp of puberty, conversations about crushes feel a little more like the real thing—namely because it's clearly the earliest form of hormone-driven feelings for a peer. And to be honest, this development does contribute to a growing sense of dread about the teen years that lie ahead. Anyways, you can probably see where I'm going with this, so I'll get straight to the point: How soon is too soon for kids to start doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing? And when can they graduate to actual dating? I went to two Clinical Psychologists (PhD) and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) for some expert advice, plus pooled parents across the country, and the answer is… it depends. Experts and caregivers pretty much agree that there is no single age where dating becomes acceptable, and that it's more about your child's maturity level and understanding. Read on for more nuance on the subject. Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field. Jephtha Tausig, PhD, Clinical Psychologist and Supervisor at Columbia University, Mount Sinai Medical Center, Adelphi University, and the Fairwinds Clinic. Dr. Jeph received her doctorate in clinical psychology with distinction from Columbia University and has over 20 years experience working with children, adolescents and adults. Jonathan W. Smith, LMFT is the Founder and Director at The Center for Family Wellness. His areas of expertise include individual therapy for mood and behavior issues, child behavior as well as couples and family therapy. JT: It's important to remember that our definitions of the terms 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' may mean something different to us as adults from what they mean to your child. Similarly, the way that young children, or older children, teens, and young adults define terms like 'dating' changes over time as they evolve developmentally. So, this is where open communication with your child becomes very important. JS: First, I want to point out that this topic is very expressly separate from sexual behaviors, which should be discouraged until the child is developmentally able to comprehend the consequences and implications of that type of relationship and how to stay safe and maintain self-respect. That said, the answer as to when a kid should be allowed to date is that it depends. Children are not one size fits all and will all demonstrate varying levels of maturity and readiness for dating at differing ages. BC: Biology alone can't decide this because puberty might ignite interest by ages 10 to 12 but the brain's circuitry for self-regulation lags behind by about a decade. That's why when biology hits the gas early in puberty, it's the job of society (specifically the parents) to supply a learner's permit. Parents need to look for behavioral readiness rather than a birthday. That said, typical guardrails are casual group dates around ages 12-13 (i.e., middle school) and solo dating around age 16. JT: It's really about what your 7-year-old feels 'a boyfriend' means. See if you can find out more from her about this in a genuinely curious, interested manner. What does she think having a boyfriend means and how does that work? (Very often at this stage, having a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' could be something that lasts for a few hours or days at most). As for kissing on the lips, you should certainly ask about that. (Why did they do that? Whose idea was it? Are they following behaviors that they have seen adults do? Is this something they were dared to do by peers?) It's good to find out information first before providing a boundary for your child. (This could be something along the lines of 'you will have plenty of time to kiss someone on the lips later, right now you don't need to do that.') JS: A 7-year-old who is "dating" a classmate might believe it is dating just to declare that they are dating. [At this age], a child who kisses another child on the lips is likely copying behavior modeled by television, parents, older siblings or other adults rather than acting on an internal drive for intimacy. This child can be told about social rules and "time and place" rules society has about dating and affection. Children can be allowed to pretend to "date" without developmental harm, and any correction for kids who either intentionally or unintentionally go "too far" should be without shame and humiliation, and couched in terms of readiness, not appropriateness. BC: At 7 years old a child is in the 'playground romance' stage: concrete, imaginative, and heavily influenced by peer story-lines (think recess versions of Disney plots). There's no mature concept of intimacy yet—just experimenting with labels and mimicry. If you hear from your child that they kissed at this age, I recommend that you keep your tone light and curious. Ask open questions and mirror the facts back without judgment. If you respond initially with visible shock or concern, your child will feel that they did something wrong and will avoid sharing this type of information with you in the future for fear of getting in trouble. I also strongly encourage parents to take this as an opportunity to introduce or revisit the importance of consent by having a conversation about it using age-appropriate language. JT: It's good to understand what is meant by 'dating.' Is this a large-group or small-group or one-on-one activity? Who else will be present? What are the expectations you have, as well as those held by your child, their peer and their peer's parents? It's always helpful for everyone to be on the same page and comfortable with whatever the boundaries/limits are. JS: What dating means to the child is very important contextual information for determining the correct age for dating. Cultural considerations are also relevant for parents and teens. In some families, a child may only be allowed to date based on strict codes regarding the purpose of dating and this, too, is not detrimental in and of itself. BC: Context is everything—and this includes family values and culture, peer environment and the individual temperament of the child. A practical rule of thumb is this: If a young person can calmly discuss boundaries, respect curfew/tech rules without constant reminders, and cope with rejection without emotional free-fall, they're probably ready for the kind of dating they're requesting. The experts covered this general question already, but Dr. Cook has a helpful list of specific signs to look for when assessing your child's readiness for dating. Here's a breakdown of what it should look like when your kid is ready to date for real: Self-Driven SafetyThey pack contraception info, have safe-ride apps (or other parent numbers) because they thought of it—not because you packed their metaphorical backpack. Boundary BossThey can say 'No, thanks' (and accept 'no' from others) without meltdowns or persuasion tactics. Emotional Seatbelts FastenedBig feelings—crushes, rejections, jealousy—show up, and your kid can label them ('I'm hurt, not ruined') and use coping tools instead of doom-scrolling or door-slamming. Respectful Tech HabitsPhones, texts, and DMs are handled with the same care you expect for a pet goldfish: fed responsibly, no late-night chaos, no disappearing 'secrets.' Curfew CredThey come home (or log off of tech) on time without 37 reminder texts. Reliable time-keeping = reliable rule-keeping. Friend-Group FirstRomance interests don't eclipse healthy friendships, sports or homework. A balanced social diet beats the all-crush crash diet. Additionally, dating fits alongside their current goals (grades, team try-outs, summer job), not against them. They treat relationships as add-ons, not identity makeovers. Problem-Solving MusclesWhen rides fall through, plans change, or someone flakes, they troubleshoot calmly instead of calling you to 'fix it now!' Consent Scripts on Speed DialThey know how to ask ('Is it OK if I…?'), check in ('Still comfortable?'), and adjust when the other person hesitates. Low Drama, High RepairDisagreements end with apologies and behavior changes—not revenge posts or silent treatment. Logical Leap CapacityThey can link actions to consequences ('If I ghost someone today, I'll see them in class tomorrow—awkward!') and plan accordingly. According to Dr. Cook, the best thing you can do is to start early. 'Start before they're even interested, because kids who have conversations about bodies, boundaries and crushes before their hormones hit are more likely to keep you in the loop later.' In other words, don't wait for 'the talk.' Talking to kids about dating shouldn't be one dreaded and awkwardly formal conversation. Or, in the words of Dr. Cook, 'think drip-irrigation, not fire-hose: dozens of short chats, started early, that grow with your child's brain and body.' Still feeling a little unsure with regards to boundary setting and dating between kids? We don't blame you. When in doubt, phone a friend. Actually, we did that for you by taking the question to a handful of parents across the country. Here's where they stand on the subject: 'I'd say 16. Kids don't have the maturity before that age to make solid judgments about mates and dating and sex…and they usually suffer from under-developed self-esteem.' — Debbie, California mom-of-two. 'I mean, my kids are both under the age of 5 right now so it's hard to say…but I guess I didn't have a boyfriend until age 12, so somewhere around there seems about right. Then again, it does feel like kids are growing up much faster now, so who knows.' — Nicole, New Jersey mom-of-two. 'Hmm…I think no earlier than 16 years old, but ideally 18, just due to emotional maturity and priorities to school, activities, friends, etc. Dating can get intense and also be a distraction if not ready!' — SZ, New York mom-of-one. 'I think it's totally fine for kids as young as 8 to say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I'd assume the title is more just a statement of friendship without any understanding or intention of romance. As for real, romantic dating…maybe 14 or 15 sounds fine, provided they take it really slow, and I know what's up. But boy, I don't know. My kids are still young (5 and 7) so I'm not there yet!' — Vivian, Rhode Island mom-of-two. 'I don't believe there's an age at which it starts being appropriate. What we do in my house is ask our kids what dating means to them, and then we decide if they are ready for that thing. So for example, last year my 12-year-old asked if she could date a boy. I asked her what that meant and she said, 'going out to lunch,' so we allowed her to do that. Additionally, there's so much nuance these days with gender fluidity that I don't think it makes sense to have hard and fast rules there. My daughter asked to have a sleepover with a boy who is her friend, and we simply evaluated based on these two kids and decided she could.' — Denise, Maryland mom-of-two When it comes to kids and dating, the therapists advise parents to ask neutral questions, consider the context (i.e., the maturity and intentions of your own kid) and then start a relevant and age-appropriate conversation about boundaries. In other words, understanding and communication is key. Allowances for Kids: How Much, Why Do It and When to Start
Yahoo
16-06-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
Here's Why You Need a Slow Summer—According to Parents and Travel Experts
Imagine a summer where instead of rushing from camp to sports to road trips, you and your family prioritize simple pleasures—like family dinners, backyard games, reading, or lazy afternoons at the pool. This is the essence of slow summers. A more relaxed, less scheduled approach to the summer season, where families intentionally take a break from packed calendars, constant activities, and digital distractions. It's about savoring the summer, not just surviving it, and reminding yourself that you don't only have 18 summers with your kiddos. Audrey Schoen, LMFT, says that parents should give their kids that slow, '90s summer that we all remember. 'It's so much less stressful. Kids will remember how you are and what it was like to be with you more than anything you do with them or how fancy your vacations were. If you're overwhelmed, stressed, and irritable trying to make memories, you're focused on the wrong memories.' She says that by allowing yourself to slow down and just be present to the simple things, the focus is on the relationships. 'There is time and space to interact without an agenda or a schedule. This takes the pressure off by not having to worry about packing, traveling, or the expectation of creating a certain experience.' 'I would recommend scheduling time in,' Schoen says. 'Time at home, at a local park, or a community pool. Buy a water slide and a kiddie pool. Get a bunch of water guns and have battles. Make dinner a daily event. Nothing complicated, but something the whole family can do together. Get out in the backyard and turn on the grill while your kids play lawn games. Plan a day at a local lake with a potluck picnic and some family friends, with nothing more than your lawn chairs and some good food.' She would also suggest limiting screen time, not just for kids, but for adults as well. 'You can create schedules for screen use times, and use it wisely as needed for your sanity. But otherwise, put the devices down and let yourself be bored. Boredom is the birthplace of creativity and full presence. Limit big outings and travel to just a few trips.' Parents spoke to four families about how they're planning to implement a slow summer. During the Christmas break last year, Marianne Fransius, CEO of Bébé Voyage, took her 4 and 11-year-old kids on a very ambitious trip. They visited Argentina, Brazil, and Bolivia, and her husband and her parents joined them halfway through. The issue was that they went to too many places and were changing accommodations too often—the thought of doing a multi-destination trip again just seems exhausting, especially since they're moving to Belgium in August. She and her family are planning on packing up, sending their container in early June, and then, when school gets out, they will head to their country house to enjoy a slow summer. 'Maybe I'll put the little one in the local day camp for a couple weeks,' Fransius says. 'The older one is doing 12 days of off-grid hiking and camping. But besides that, we have nothing planned.' Her kids are eager to play in the lake, pick berries, and organize badminton tournaments. 'Presumably, the grandparents will come visit,' she continues. 'Maybe we'll have a couple friends over. Some new neighbors will be moving into our hamlet, which we'll get to know. Otherwise, it's going to be over a month of bike rides, farmer's markets, and swimming in the lake.' With seven children, Chad McAuliff, Financial Planner and Founder of Royal Stone Wealth Management, says that summer is always exciting and his family loves to go with the flow. 'We love having a flexible schedule and not letting our calendar control our days,' he explains. 'Plenty of outdoor time, we find places with discounts, coupons, or free to the public. Most activities we do throughout the summer are at home. Sleeping in for those that want to. Breakfast outside on many days.' He says that activities his kids will do include swimming, sandbox, games, rollerblading, bikes, tree swings, hammocking, gardening, water activities, and more. His intention is to spend less money, but spend more time together. For him, a slow summer simply means lazy days and not being busy, just enjoying the summer. "A slow summer can also mean saying no to many things and scheduling what you want instead. We say no to many things and then plan out our summer the way we want it. It could be a week of minimal activities. Or it could be we take a few days and go waterfall jumping. Or we invite friends and their kids over for a kickball game. It could be we all pick out a book and read outside in different places, like the fort, or tree swing, or lawn chair, or hammock, or back porch,' McAuliff describes. Monica Virga Alborno, engineer and founder of Wanderwild Family Retreats, has two children, 4 and under. They'll be spending their summer in New Jersey, New York, and Norway, but taking a mindful approach to travel. 'To make it happen, I have to be committed to saying no to invitations that put too much on our plate and allow our plans to have space for no agenda.' She and her family will be getting back to the basics—spending sun-soaked days exploring local lakes and hiking trails, and evenings under the stars camping outside in the backyard. She acknowledges that swapping packed schedules for more room in the margins will allow her family to have meaningful conversations, get curious, and allow them space to just observe. 'When my kids are grown, and choose to spend time with me because of our connection, that's my ultimate parenting goal, I believe slow summers will guide us to that.' Brittany Lewis, a PR professional, has a toddler who is three and a six-month-old baby, and they're having a slow summer this year. 'It's my goal every summer. We live in Milwaukee and love taking advantage of the beach, local pools, parks, farmers markets, etc.' She's doing this in a few ways, including leaving multiple weekends free of any obligations. 'Summer weekends tend to fill up so fast, but then summer flies by and it feels so busy, so I am keeping some weekends open for us to be intentionally slower so we can go on walks, garden, read, etc.' Lewis also plans to delete all social media for the summer and use an old-school digital camera to take pictures. 'I obviously love capturing all the amazing summer moments, but then I'm always pulling out my phone, and even if I'm on it for just a few seconds, it feels distracting and pulls me away from the present moment. So, I'm going to delete all of my social media for the summer so I'm not tempted to scroll after snapping a pic. I'm going to be leaving my phone in my beach bag, car, or purse wherever we go.' She also says she'll be prepping easy to-go meals every morning to pack in her family's picnic basket so that if they're having fun at a park or the beach, or the pool, they don't need to rush home to cook any meals. Lastly, she won't be signing her toddler up for any scheduled activities in the summer. He's only three and she doesn't want to be stuck to a schedule or have an obligated sport or activity they need to go to. 'What I love about having a toddler is how much they teach us to slow down–to notice the flowers blooming, to notice if the sky is gray or blue, and so on. I think it is good for all of us to do that—to take the time to notice the little things, to not feel rushed, to play uninterrupted, and I think you can do that more when you aren't rushing from one event to the next,' Lewis acknowledges. Read the original article on Parents
