What Age Is Right for Dating? Therapists and Parents Weigh In

Yahoo

5 days ago

I can still remember the day my 5-year-old son started telling me all about his four (!) kindergarten girlfriends. I thought it was pretty darn cute and, to be honest, I was just relieved that my shy and sometimes truculent little kid was making friends with such ease. Now that my daughter (who is my oldest child) is 10 years old and definitely on the cusp of puberty, conversations about crushes feel a little more like the real thing—namely because it's clearly the earliest form of hormone-driven feelings for a peer. And to be honest, this development does contribute to a growing sense of dread about the teen years that lie ahead.
Anyways, you can probably see where I'm going with this, so I'll get straight to the point: How soon is too soon for kids to start doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing? And when can they graduate to actual dating? I went to two Clinical Psychologists (PhD) and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) for some expert advice, plus pooled parents across the country, and the answer is… it depends. Experts and caregivers pretty much agree that there is no single age where dating becomes acceptable, and that it's more about your child's maturity level and understanding. Read on for more nuance on the subject.
Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field.
Jephtha Tausig, PhD, Clinical Psychologist and Supervisor at Columbia University, Mount Sinai Medical Center, Adelphi University, and the Fairwinds Clinic. Dr. Jeph received her doctorate in clinical psychology with distinction from Columbia University and has over 20 years experience working with children, adolescents and adults.
Jonathan W. Smith, LMFT is the Founder and Director at The Center for Family Wellness. His areas of expertise include individual therapy for mood and behavior issues, child behavior as well as couples and family therapy.
JT: It's important to remember that our definitions of the terms 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' may mean something different to us as adults from what they mean to your child. Similarly, the way that young children, or older children, teens, and young adults define terms like 'dating' changes over time as they evolve developmentally. So, this is where open communication with your child becomes very important.
JS: First, I want to point out that this topic is very expressly separate from sexual behaviors, which should be discouraged until the child is developmentally able to comprehend the consequences and implications of that type of relationship and how to stay safe and maintain self-respect. That said, the answer as to when a kid should be allowed to date is that it depends. Children are not one size fits all and will all demonstrate varying levels of maturity and readiness for dating at differing ages.
BC: Biology alone can't decide this because puberty might ignite interest by ages 10 to 12 but the brain's circuitry for self-regulation lags behind by about a decade. That's why when biology hits the gas early in puberty, it's the job of society (specifically the parents) to supply a learner's permit. Parents need to look for behavioral readiness rather than a birthday. That said, typical guardrails are casual group dates around ages 12-13 (i.e., middle school) and solo dating around age 16.
JT: It's really about what your 7-year-old feels 'a boyfriend' means. See if you can find out more from her about this in a genuinely curious, interested manner. What does she think having a boyfriend means and how does that work? (Very often at this stage, having a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' could be something that lasts for a few hours or days at most). As for kissing on the lips, you should certainly ask about that. (Why did they do that? Whose idea was it? Are they following behaviors that they have seen adults do? Is this something they were dared to do by peers?) It's good to find out information first before providing a boundary for your child. (This could be something along the lines of 'you will have plenty of time to kiss someone on the lips later, right now you don't need to do that.')
JS: A 7-year-old who is "dating" a classmate might believe it is dating just to declare that they are dating. [At this age], a child who kisses another child on the lips is likely copying behavior modeled by television, parents, older siblings or other adults rather than acting on an internal drive for intimacy. This child can be told about social rules and "time and place" rules society has about dating and affection. Children can be allowed to pretend to "date" without developmental harm, and any correction for kids who either intentionally or unintentionally go "too far" should be without shame and humiliation, and couched in terms of readiness, not appropriateness.
BC: At 7 years old a child is in the 'playground romance' stage: concrete, imaginative, and heavily influenced by peer story-lines (think recess versions of Disney plots). There's no mature concept of intimacy yet—just experimenting with labels and mimicry. If you hear from your child that they kissed at this age, I recommend that you keep your tone light and curious. Ask open questions and mirror the facts back without judgment. If you respond initially with visible shock or concern, your child will feel that they did something wrong and will avoid sharing this type of information with you in the future for fear of getting in trouble. I also strongly encourage parents to take this as an opportunity to introduce or revisit the importance of consent by having a conversation about it using age-appropriate language.
JT: It's good to understand what is meant by 'dating.' Is this a large-group or small-group or one-on-one activity? Who else will be present? What are the expectations you have, as well as those held by your child, their peer and their peer's parents? It's always helpful for everyone to be on the same page and comfortable with whatever the boundaries/limits are.
JS: What dating means to the child is very important contextual information for determining the correct age for dating. Cultural considerations are also relevant for parents and teens. In some families, a child may only be allowed to date based on strict codes regarding the purpose of dating and this, too, is not detrimental in and of itself.
BC: Context is everything—and this includes family values and culture, peer environment and the individual temperament of the child. A practical rule of thumb is this: If a young person can calmly discuss boundaries, respect curfew/tech rules without constant reminders, and cope with rejection without emotional free-fall, they're probably ready for the kind of dating they're requesting.
The experts covered this general question already, but Dr. Cook has a helpful list of specific signs to look for when assessing your child's readiness for dating. Here's a breakdown of what it should look like when your kid is ready to date for real:
Self-Driven SafetyThey pack contraception info, have safe-ride apps (or other parent numbers) because they thought of it—not because you packed their metaphorical backpack.
Boundary BossThey can say 'No, thanks' (and accept 'no' from others) without meltdowns or persuasion tactics.
Emotional Seatbelts FastenedBig feelings—crushes, rejections, jealousy—show up, and your kid can label them ('I'm hurt, not ruined') and use coping tools instead of doom-scrolling or door-slamming.
Respectful Tech HabitsPhones, texts, and DMs are handled with the same care you expect for a pet goldfish: fed responsibly, no late-night chaos, no disappearing 'secrets.'
Curfew CredThey come home (or log off of tech) on time without 37 reminder texts. Reliable time-keeping = reliable rule-keeping.
Friend-Group FirstRomance interests don't eclipse healthy friendships, sports or homework. A balanced social diet beats the all-crush crash diet. Additionally, dating fits alongside their current goals (grades, team try-outs, summer job), not against them. They treat relationships as add-ons, not identity makeovers.
Problem-Solving MusclesWhen rides fall through, plans change, or someone flakes, they troubleshoot calmly instead of calling you to 'fix it now!'
Consent Scripts on Speed DialThey know how to ask ('Is it OK if I…?'), check in ('Still comfortable?'), and adjust when the other person hesitates.
Low Drama, High RepairDisagreements end with apologies and behavior changes—not revenge posts or silent treatment.
Logical Leap CapacityThey can link actions to consequences ('If I ghost someone today, I'll see them in class tomorrow—awkward!') and plan accordingly.
According to Dr. Cook, the best thing you can do is to start early. 'Start before they're even interested, because kids who have conversations about bodies, boundaries and crushes before their hormones hit are more likely to keep you in the loop later.' In other words, don't wait for 'the talk.' Talking to kids about dating shouldn't be one dreaded and awkwardly formal conversation. Or, in the words of Dr. Cook, 'think drip-irrigation, not fire-hose: dozens of short chats, started early, that grow with your child's brain and body.'
Still feeling a little unsure with regards to boundary setting and dating between kids? We don't blame you. When in doubt, phone a friend. Actually, we did that for you by taking the question to a handful of parents across the country. Here's where they stand on the subject:
'I'd say 16. Kids don't have the maturity before that age to make solid judgments about mates and dating and sex…and they usually suffer from under-developed self-esteem.' — Debbie, California mom-of-two.
'I mean, my kids are both under the age of 5 right now so it's hard to say…but I guess I didn't have a boyfriend until age 12, so somewhere around there seems about right. Then again, it does feel like kids are growing up much faster now, so who knows.' — Nicole, New Jersey mom-of-two.
'Hmm…I think no earlier than 16 years old, but ideally 18, just due to emotional maturity and priorities to school, activities, friends, etc. Dating can get intense and also be a distraction if not ready!' — SZ, New York mom-of-one.
'I think it's totally fine for kids as young as 8 to say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I'd assume the title is more just a statement of friendship without any understanding or intention of romance. As for real, romantic dating…maybe 14 or 15 sounds fine, provided they take it really slow, and I know what's up. But boy, I don't know. My kids are still young (5 and 7) so I'm not there yet!' — Vivian, Rhode Island mom-of-two.
'I don't believe there's an age at which it starts being appropriate. What we do in my house is ask our kids what dating means to them, and then we decide if they are ready for that thing. So for example, last year my 12-year-old asked if she could date a boy. I asked her what that meant and she said, 'going out to lunch,' so we allowed her to do that. Additionally, there's so much nuance these days with gender fluidity that I don't think it makes sense to have hard and fast rules there. My daughter asked to have a sleepover with a boy who is her friend, and we simply evaluated based on these two kids and decided she could.' — Denise, Maryland mom-of-two
When it comes to kids and dating, the therapists advise parents to ask neutral questions, consider the context (i.e., the maturity and intentions of your own kid) and then start a relevant and age-appropriate conversation about boundaries. In other words, understanding and communication is key.
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