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Yahoo
18-07-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Parenting Experts Say These Are The Topics You Should Never Discuss Around Your Children
Children tend to pick up on a lot more than adults realize. They absorb not only what we say to them directly but also what we say around them — even when we think they're not paying attention. That got us wondering: Are there certain topics that just shouldn't be discussed with or in front of kids? And on the flip side, are there certain conversations adults assume are not appropriate for young minds but are actually OK — or even beneficial — to address? We reached out to parenting experts to get their take. As clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids series, said, it's generally less about the subject itself and more about how you approach it. 'For instance, you would not have a discussion about your financial worries that would make your child worry. But you could certainly discuss the fact that a new car or a pricey vacation is not in your budget this year,' she told HuffPost. Below, Markham and other therapists share their thoughts on the do's and don'ts of communicating when young or school-age kids are present. 5 Things Adults Shouldn't Talk About In Front Of Kids: 1. People's bodies When adults speak poorly about their own bodies or other people's bodies, children notice and may internalize those negative messages, said marriage and family therapist Brianne Billups Hughes. 'Kids are like sponges, absorbing everything they hear. If they witness adults being critical of themselves, it can lead to issues with self-esteem and body image as they grow,' she told HuffPost. And it's not just the negative comments that can be damaging over time. When adults make frequent remarks about body shape or weight — even if they're complimentary in nature — it can make kids 'overly concerned about their own appearance,' Markham noted. 2. Critical remarks about a parent or caregiver It's best for adults to avoid bad-mouthing the child's other parent or caregivers in their life. It doesn't matter if you're speaking to the kid directly or having the conversation when they're in earshot. Hearing negative comments about a parent can make a child feel as if they have to choose sides or that they're responsible for fixing the situation, which can be damaging to their sense of security, Markham said. It can also 'strain the relationship with the criticized parent since they now see them as 'not good enough,'' she added, while also making the child feel guilty for thinking of their parent in a negative light. 3. Comments that compare the child to their sibling Markham advises parents to avoid comments that compare one sibling with another. Such comparisons can breed competition between siblings and lead to increased conflict, she said. 'That intuitively makes sense to us because we can see how it fosters resentment, jealousy and insecurity. But this is just as true for positive messages, which also set up competition,' Markham said. For example, you might say to your child something like, 'You're my good boy. You never give me a tough time like your brother does.' Now your child not only feels pressure to hold on to his place as the 'good' one but is also 'motivated to keep his sibling in the role of 'bad' kid,' Markham said. 'How else will he maintain his special place in your eyes?' 4. Adult money issues As pediatric psychologist and parent coach Ann-Louise Lockhart of A New Day Pediatric Psychology explained, 'Kids don't yet have the cognitive tools to fully understand adult finances.' So when they overhear conversations about money-related stressors in adults' lives, they draw their own conclusions, 'often assuming the worst,' she told HuffPost. 'Children may think, for example, that the family will lose their home or that they won't be able to buy food, even if the situation is not that extreme,' Lockhart said. 'This fear can lead to increased anxiety and, for some children, a sense of guilt that they're a 'burden' if they need things like new shoes or supplies.' That's not to say you have to completely keep them in the dark if your financial situation has changed. Just keep explanations clear and concise and your tone calm. If money is tight, Lockhart suggested saying something like, 'We're sticking to a budget so we can make good choices,' which she said is 'often more reassuring.' 'You can help them understand that adults have systems to manage expenses and that their needs will be met,' she added. 5. Comments that glorify alcohol or drug use Hughes warned that conversations 'normalizing or glorifying' drinking alcohol and using drugs when kids are around can lead to 'unhealthy attitudes toward these substances' down the line. 'Kids are impressionable, and hearing adults speak positively about drinking or using drugs, even jokingly, can set the foundation for curiosity or risky behaviors later in life,' she explained. 'It's important to model responsible behavior and avoid making these substances seem glamorous or harmless.' 5 Things Adults Actually Discuss In Front Of Kids: On the other hand, there are topics that adults have a tendency to shy away from because they assume talking about them would be harmful to kids. But our experts say these conversations can be good ones to have with or in the presence of children, as long as they are approached in a thoughtful, age-appropriate way. 1. Healthy disagreements Parents might be under the impression they need to resolve any and all conflict behind closed doors. But that's not necessarily true. In fact, it can be beneficial for kids to observe their parents modeling how to respectfully work through a disagreement, Markham said. 'It's important for them to know that we don't always agree, but we always love each other. Kids need to see us ask for what we need without attacking the other person,' she added. 'And it's critical for them to see us make up with affection and forgiveness.' That being said, heated arguments that include yelling, name-calling or other forms of disrespect should not happen in front of kids, Markham said, as research has shown it does affect them negatively. And when it comes to certain topics, it's better for adults to hash out those matters privately. 'Discussions about sex or other tender issues are more respectfully conducted without an audience,' developmental psychologist Diana Divecha wrote for Greater Good Magazine. 2. Honest emotions Many adults try to avoid showing or talking about their emotions around kids, but 'it's actually important for kids to see adults process their feelings in healthy ways,' Hughes said. It's OK to share that you're feeling upset, worried or frustrated in an age-appropriate way. Doing so helps normalize a wider range of emotions and can help children learn to express and regulate their own emotions, Hughes said. This also helps them develop their emotional intelligence, Lockhart added. 'If they see you saying something like, 'I'm feeling sad because a friend moved away, and that's normal,' they learn that all emotions are OK and temporary, helping them feel safe to express their own,' she explained. 3. Mistakes they've made Adults shouldn't feel pressure to uphold a facade of perfection in front of kids. It's OK to admit to them when you've messed up in some way, Lockhart said. 'Talking about your own mistakes and how you handled them helps kids learn resilience and accountability,' she said. 'When they hear something like, 'I made a mistake at work, but I took responsibility, and I'm working on a solution,' they see that mistakes are natural and that they can handle them positively.' 4. Money in general Though you wouldn't want your child to be privy to the full scope of financial stress you may be facing, money doesn't have to be a taboo subject. 'Discussing financial concepts in an age-appropriate manner can be a valuable learning opportunity,' Hughes said. 'Kids who grow up with an understanding of budgeting, saving, investing, loans and responsible spending are more likely to develop good financial habits as they grow older.' 'The key is to avoid overwhelming them with adult-level stress about money,' she added. 5. Sex, consent, and bodily changes As a parent, you may find yourself avoiding conversations around these topics with your kids entirely because they seem too uncomfortable or mature to discuss. But introducing these subjects in developmentally appropriate ways is actually quite important, Hughes said. 'Teaching children about consent, body autonomy and the basic facts of anatomy, reproduction or puberty helps them develop a healthy understanding of their bodies and relationships,' she explained. 'These discussions empower children to ask questions, set boundaries and feel comfortable about their own physical development. It also helps prevent misinformation from other sources.' No matter the topic, how we communicate with and around children can have a lasting effect on them, Hughes said. That's why it's so critical to approach conversations with mindfulness. 'Modeling healthy conflict resolution, self-acceptance and emotional intelligence can provide kids with essential life skills,' she said. 'The goal isn't to shelter children completely but to be mindful of the language and tone used, creating a balanced environment where they can learn and feel secure.'This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
Yahoo
21-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
7 Signs You've Raised A Spoiled Child (And What To Do About It)
You're standing in the checkout line at the store when your son grabs a 'Frozen 2' stuffed animal. 'Mommy, can I get this Olaf doll? I really, really want it!' When you tell him no, he yells 'I hate you!' loud enough for everyone to hear before launching into one of his regular fits: kicking, screaming, crying. People are glaring at you, and you know what's going through their minds: 'Wow, what a spoiled brat.' If this scene sounds familiar, you're not alone. The spoiled child problem appears to be getting worse, too. In fact, 59% of parents think their kids are more spoiled than they were at the same age, according to a 2011 survey from Parenting and Today Moms. We asked parenting experts to reveal the signs that you might be raising a spoiled kid. Below, they also share advice that will help you undo some of those behaviors. A spoiled child is used to getting what they want when they want it with few exceptions. 'Every kid has an off-day —and so do adults — but spoiled kids are stuck in 'me' mode,' said Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of 'UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.' 'Everything revolves around their needs, concerns, feelings, wants, desires,and everyone else takes second place.' Clinical psychologist Laura Markham takes issue with the term 'spoiled' because she believes it suggests the child is somehow 'ruined.' Nor does she like using the word 'brat' to describe a kid. When you think about it, the harsh descriptors may be a tad unfair given that the parents (not the kids) are the ones largely responsible for the spoiled behavior. 'Children do what we train them to do, what we lead them to expect,' Markham, founder of the site Aha! Parenting, said. 'If we have parented permissively and have never set limits, the child will not be used to accommodating appropriate limits.' When parents spoil their children, their intentions are often good, albeit misguided. They indulge their kids because they want to provide them with the best life possible, giving them everything Mom and/or Dad didn't have growing up. Some parents may worry that giving their kid a firm 'no' will hurt the child's feelings or damage their confidence. Other times, parents are just too exhausted to enforce the rules — or set any in the first place. 'It's plain easier to give in when you're tired,' Borba said. 'We hate to say 'no' when we've been gone [at work] all day.' Not sure if your kiddo fits the bill? Below are seven expert-backed signs they might be overindulged and under-disciplined. 1. When you tell them 'no,' they throw a tantrum until they get their way. All kids may express some disappointment when you tell them they can't, for example, have pizza for dinner two nights in a row. But spoiled children have a particularly hard time taking no for an answer. Tantrums might be developmentally appropriate for toddlers or very young kids who can't adequately express themselves, explained marriage and family therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford. But if these meltdowns are happening all the time and don't subside as the kid gets older, that could be an indication they're spoiled. 'How does your kid typically respond to the word 'no'?' Borba said. 'Spoiled kids can't handle the word. They expect to get what they want and usually do.' 2. They're never satisfied with what they have. Spoiled children may have all the toys and clothes in the world, but it's never enough: They want more, more, more. 'Because they have a lot, they tend to be unappreciative and a bit greedy,' Borba said. Instead of expressing their gratitude for what they have, they're more focused on getting the next thing. 'They may start to say 'thank you' less and 'I want' more,' Smith Crawford said. 3. They think the world revolves around them. Spoiled kids tend to be self-centered. They aren't all that concerned with inconveniencing other people. 'Spoiled kids think more of themselves than of others,' Borba said. 'They feel entitled and expect special favors.' 4. They demand things ASAP. Bratty children aren't particularly patient: When they want something, they want it now. 'It's usually easier to give in than to postpone the child's request,' Borba said. 5. They're sore losers. No kid enjoys losing — be it a board game or a tennis match — but spoiled ones may have a tougher time managing disappointment when they don't win. 'If your child is always blaming others for poor performance, expecting to be singled out for praise for everything they do, yells at others who aren't doing things their way and fails to give recognition when their teammates or competitors are successful, you may have a spoiled child on your hands,' therapist Virginia Williamson told Best Life. 6. They don't give up until they get what they want. Spoiled kids may employ manipulative tactics to get the 'yes' they're after, whether that means lying or pitting their parents against one another. 'For example, going to one parent and saying the other parent said they could have the item they desire,' Smith Crawford said. 7. They refuse to complete even simple tasks until you beg or bribe them. It's normal for kids to need some prompting to brush their teeth or clean up their toys, for example. But once a parent asks them to do something, they should listen. If your child frequently refuses to do very basic things until you plead or incentivize them with money, treats or toys, you could be setting a bad precedent. 'If you rely on bribes to motivate your child, then the next time you ask your 8-year-old to clear the dishes off the dinner table, for example, don't be surprised if s/he asks, 'How much are you going to pay me?'' clinical psychologist Suzanne Gelb wrote in a HuffPost blog. The good news is that spoiled kids are made, not un-spoiling is doable. But don't hold off on implementing these changes: The older the child, the more difficult it will be. 'Remember, there is no gene for spoiled,' Borba said. 'It's a learned behavior that can be unlearned — and the quicker, the better.' It won't be an easy transition for you or your kid — so be prepared for that. Commit to modifying your indulgent ways, knowing that it's going to be uncomfortable to stand your ground. You should anticipate resistance from your child. 'Allow them to cry and be upset,' Markham said. 'Empathize, while at the same time holding your limit and the expectation that your child will be able to handle your limit.' Get used to saying 'no' without guilt. Once you set your boundaries, you have to stick to them consistently. 'Add 'no' to your vocabulary and don't feel guilty about using it with your kids,' Borba said. 'Don't let your child's spoiled ways win. Don't give into every issue.' When setting limits, do so with empathy and understanding, Markham said. You don't need to be a tyrant for these methods to be effective. 'Remember that children accept limits more gracefully if they feel warmly connected to the parent,' she said. Emphasize that giving is better than receiving. 'And start boosting the concept that who you are is more important than what you own,' Borba said. Practice gratitude as a family. At the dinner table or before bedtime, Smith Crawford recommends spending a few minutes giving thanks for the non-material things in your lives. 'As a family, go around in a circle and name intangible things you are grateful for and one experience that day you were grateful for,' she said. 'This is a great way to begin to teach gratitude and honoring the good in each day.' Teach them to be considerate of others. When everything in your child's life is 'me, me, me,' shift the focus to 'we.' 'Look for those everyday moments to do so,' Borba said. 'Like, 'Let's ask Alice what she would like to do;' 'How do you think Daddy feels?' 'Ask your friend what he would like to play' or 'Let's go volunteer at the soup kitchen.'' Remember that kids respond best to encouragement, not punishment. 'If you want your child to meet your expectation, ask yourself what kind of support your child needs to meet that expectation,' Markham said. Help them appreciate the little things in life. Show them that there's plenty of joy in the simple pleasures, like being in nature or spending quality time with family and friends. 'Finding daily time to play and connect with your children is one of the greatest things a parent can do to curb most behaviors,' Smith Crawford said. How To Teach Your Kids To Be Grateful The Worst Things A Parent Can Say To A Kid Who's Getting Bullied How To Politely Ask Relatives Not To Spoil Your Kids During The Holidays
