6 days ago
Every Narcissist Has A 'Flying Monkey.' Here's What That Means.
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to get through to you, even when you've made an effort to create some distance between you and them.
To sidestep any communication boundaries you've set, they'll often employ a third party ― a friend you have in common, your sibling or other parent if it's your mom or dad that you're dealing with, or a fellow coworker if your narc is in the workplace.
Online ― in subreddits and Facebook groups where people detail their experiences with narcissists and emotional abusers ― this third party is sometimes called 'a flying monkey' or the narcissist's 'wingman.' If you're not one for pithy pop psychology terms, you could just call them an enabler.
The flying monkey moniker is, of course, an allusion to the 'Wizard of Oz,' in which the wily Wicked Witch of the West enlists flying monkeys to do her dirty work: capturing Dorothy and her companions, terrorizing the land of the Winkies. (We won't classify the witch as a narcissist; who's to say if the DSM-5 psychiatric manual even exists in Oz?)
A narcissist similarly uses their flying monkey to harass you emotionally, guilt trip you or plead their case, said Lauren Maher, a marriage and family therapist and the author of 'Mindfulness Workbook for Panic Attacks.'
'Consciously or unconsciously, the flying monkey upholds and advocates for the narcissist's reality,' Maher told HuffPost. 'They might covertly gather information, spread rumors, gaslight, bully, or minimize the reality of the person who is being abused by the narcissist. '
In Maher's practice, she's seen two types of people who are chosen as flying monkeys. The first consists of conflict-avoidant people-pleasers whose sympathies are easily manipulated by the narcissist.
'When they take the side of the narcissist, they may genuinely think they are advocating for the good,' she said. 'A common example seen in families is when a narcissistic parent portrays themselves as an eternal victim, but who in reality is quite emotionally abusive to one sibling behind closed doors.'
When the emotionally abused sibling ― who's often the 'scapegoat' of the family ― finally sets boundaries with this parent, they may experience pushback from another sibling who tells them they are being selfish, uncaring, or 'tearing the family apart,' Maher said.
The second type of flying monkey is a little less well-meaning ― more of a willing ally of the narcissist.
'I'm thinking of more cutthroat individuals who may have narcissistic traits themselves,' Maher said. 'An example of this would be someone who throws their colleague under the bus to protect the interests or public persona of a toxic boss, believing that this may ingratiate them to the boss and help them climb the ladder.'
Clearly more nefarious than the first type, these flying monkeys might feel 'special' when they are chosen by the narcissist and may lack empathy for others, the therapist said.
Regardless of what type you're dealing with, we've got advice on how to gently let your monkey know that what they're doing isn't going to fly with you.
Take a pause when you come into contact with an enabler.
Whether they're cognizant of it or not, flying monkeys are often sent to provoke a reaction ― usually guilt, shame, or some sort of defensiveness. Don't take the bait.
'Responding with emotion gives them power and reinforces the narcissist's control,' said Marie-Line Germain, a professor of HR and leadership and author of 'Narcissism at Work: Personality Disorders of Corporate Leaders'.
'Instead, try to remain calm and neutral,' she told HuffPost. 'In the moment, a simple response such as, 'Thanks, but I'm not discussing this' or 'My decision about this has been made and I'm not really looking for input' can be effective.'
Know that this dynamic is so common, there's a psychological name for it: Triangulation.
In conflict, people often use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or conversation without directly confronting the person with whom they have an issue. That's what happens in these pesky flying monkey scenarios, said Ami B. Kaplan, a psychotherapist in New York and Florida who specializes in treating adult children of narcissists: The third party is sent in to stabilize the situation, which for the narcissist means bringing you back into the fold.
'This person ― the flying monkey ― is unfortunately 'triangulated' into communicating with the targeted person,' she said. 'For example, you see narcissist mothers sending their husbands to communicate with an estranged son, in the hopes that the father will get the son to re-engage with her.'
The father might feel uneasy about his involvement, but a narcissist can be so difficult to deal with, many family members just go along with what they want to keep the peace, Kaplan said.
Recognize that anything you tell the flying monkey will likely get back to the narcissist.
This should go without saying: When dealing with an enabler, anything you say or do will in all likelihood be reported back to the narcissist as soon as you hop off the phone.
'Because nothing is confidential, keep your communication limited and refuse to discuss the conflict,' said Karyl McBride, a therapist and author of 'Will the Drama Ever End? Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism.'
This can be tricky and will almost undoubtedly require firm boundary setting, McBride said.
'Remember to make a boundary stick, you have to follow through and enforce it with things such as hanging up, walking away, refusing to engage,' she said.
You have options when it comes to engaging with a flying monkey.
The devastating part of all of this is that the enabler can be someone that you like, love or even get along with on a regular basis. But because they collude with your narcissist, you may need to reevaluate how you engage with them in your life, said Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and author of 'If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.'
You have a few options in this situation, though, she said. First, you can try to agree to disagree with the flying monkey.
'Maybe you say something like, 'We're not going to see that situation in the same way. Moving forward in our relationship, let's just agree to not talk about that subject,'' Cole said.
In plenty of situations, that might be the best option. For example, if this is someone you work with, they may continue believing your narcissistic boss is a great leader, even though you know they're a bit two-faced and not cut out for management. If you and your coworker can avoid sharing opinions about your boss, you should be able to maintain a good working relationship, Cole said.
Alternatively, you can test the waters by asking if the flying monkey is open to having a conversation about your side of the story, she said. She used the example of a family friend who's constantly saying things like, 'You really should call your mother. She's not going to be around forever.'
'You might know that this is your mother's attempt to triangulate and guilt-trip you into calling her, when you've set very clear boundaries that you don't want to contact her,' she said. 'In that case, you can respond with something like, 'It sounds like you might've heard some things about my relationship with my mom that isn't the full story. Are you open to hearing why I've decided not to be in contact with her right now?''
It's also an option to set boundaries about what you are and aren't willing to talk about with an enabler.
'Using the above scenario with the family friend, you can say something like, 'I understand where you're coming from, however my mom and I's relationship is our own and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make those types of comments anymore.''
Cole said that in some cases, you may need to break off contact with the flying monkey for a spell, too.
Lean into your support system.
While you don't want to create a flying monkey situation of your own, there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking to someone you trust about how this is impacting you, Maher said,
'It's so important to lean on your own support network and to surround yourself with people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy and compassionate over time,' she said.
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