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The Herald Scotland

A wife's end game when it came to a new suit for hubby

Much swankier than an evening spent at Dodgy Dave's Liccur Shak, the boozer most favoured by the minions working at Diary Towers. Unlike Dodgy Dave's, the Garden Party, which takes place in the grounds of Holyrood Palace, has a strict dress code. (Dodgy Dave's does have a dress code, of sorts. Dave doesn't mind blood stains on his patron's clothing, though he insists that those same patrons keep their cudgels and garrots tucked away in pockets or swag bags, rather than clutched in mitts. Mitts are for holding pint pots, and nothing else, says Dave.) Anyway, back to the Garden Party. Chris Robertson used to work in Glasgow's favourite clothing emporium, Slater Menswear, and an elderly couple once arrived, the wife proud and excited, hubby surly, and essentially dragged into the premises by the corner of one lug. The wife explained that she and her other half had Garden Party invites, so she was keen to get hubby booted and suited for the Big Day. 'I want something cheap,' interrupted hubby, 'cos I'll only be wearin' it the wance.' 'Och, dinnae say that, Jim,' replied his wife. 'I can bury ye in it, tae.' Man's a meh More marital harmony. 'The other day my wife told me I was like her morning slice of toast,' says reader Andy Wright. Andy thought this was rather sweet, until his wife explained: 'I couldn't live without you, though I don't find you particularly exciting, either.' David Clark says that this is a very saucy sauce, indeed. (Image: Contributed) Mean about greens 'Kale is so versatile,' says food-loving reader Ben Gates. 'It fits into any size bin.' Testing times The teenage daughter of Mike Hall is learning to drive, and is currently studying the questions she'll be asked in her Theory Test. Mike says it's a pity all the questions are practical, rather than philosophical in nature, and he'd like to see the following added… Question 1: You are learning HOW to drive. But WHY do you drive? Question 2: Is a three-wheeled vehicle a motorcycle or a car? Or something else entirely? Men without hats There was an Orange March in Glasgow on Sunday, and Liz Clifford was watching the spectacle in the murk and rain when a chap next to her glanced up at the grubby sky, then said: 'Dunno why they don't swap their bowler hats for brollies. Much more practical.' Popmobile Wheeler-dealer Peter Swain says: 'I bought a sweet car online that was previously owned by Neil Diamond.'