3 days ago
Viral Video Shares 3 Ways to Help Prevent Child Abuse—Experts Say It Shouldn't Stop There
Fact checked by Sarah Scott
Parents are the anxious types for good reason. Our job is to protect our children, not just from bumps and bruises, but also from much serious abuse that can occur right under our noses, sometimes even at school or from people we think we can trust. Ever vigilant, parents are always on the lookout for tips to help put a stop to this kind of abuse before it can even occur.
As the author of Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice, parenting expert Jon Fogel (@wholeparent) regularly shares insights on social media that many parents find both useful and relatable.
In one recent video, Fogel includes tips parents can implement in their everyday lives to help prevent children from experiencing sexual abuse—and while his advice is a solid start, experts say it doesn't cover everything kids need to stay safe.
Here, we'll break down what the video gets right, and where experts say parents need to take further steps in order to help prevent abuse.
Fogel lays out three succinct points about preventing sexual abuse in children, offering examples from how he parents his eight-year-old:
Not teaching blind obedience: Using the phrase, 'Because I said so,' is putting children at risk for manipulation, he says, adding, 'Kids who are trained to not question authority are easy targets.'
Avoiding punishment: Fogel states that he does not punish or shame for certain behavior or mistakes. He notes that the threat of getting in trouble with their parents is one of the ways abusers gain control over their victims.
Talking openly about bodies: 'Bodies are not taboo,' he says, adding that he will never make his child feel ashamed of their bodily functions or body parts.
Generally speaking, Fogel provides helpful parenting advice, says Wendy Lane, MD, Professor at the University of Maryland School of Medicine and Medical Director at the Lifebridge Health Center for Hope, which provides intervention for and prevention of child abuse.
'I think they're generally good parenting tips,' she says. 'These are great tips for developing a strong connection to your kids and making [them] feel comfortable talking to you about anything, including challenging subjects.'
That said, she explains that these three tips alone, although valuable, are not enough to prevent child sexual abuse.
'[Parents] can also expand on [these tips] by doing other things to make sure that their environment is protective,' she adds.
Fogel mentions that preventing sexual abuse is not just about 'one-off talks' or teaching phrases like 'see something, say something,' but rather consistently showing up as a safe and secure presence. While being a present and engaged parent is essential, preventing abuse requires more concrete action, according to experts.
Here are a few expert-backed ways parents can help prevent abuse:
This doesn't necessarily mean physical safety or self defense skills, but rather teaching kids to say 'no' when they feel uncomfortable, even to authority figures, and to make their boundaries clear.
'As far as abuse prevention, we talk about teaching personal safety skills to both kids who don't have traumatic events in their history and for those who do,' says George (Tripp) Ake, PhD, Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Duke University Medical Center, and Training and Implementation Program Director for the UCLA-Duke National Center for Child Traumatic Stress.
He offers a few examples of how to teach these skills to your kids, including:
Practice saying no: Encourage your child to practice how they might say 'no' in different situations—like if someone asks them to do something that feels uncomfortable, or if a stranger tries to get them to go somewhere.
Encourage physical boundaries: Use role-playing to help your child practice stepping back or moving away when someone makes them feel uncomfortable.
Emphasize consent: Let your child decide when (and if) they want to hug or show affection, even with friends and family.
Teach them how to speak up in unsafe situations: For example, teaching your child to yell, 'I don't know this person!' or 'This isn't my parent!' if someone tries to lead them away while in a public place (and then having them practice it.)
Given that nearly 90 percent of child sexual abuse involves a family member or trusted adult, Dr. Lane highlights the need for close supervision and ongoing awareness of the people in your child's life.
'Supervision is important,' she says. 'You can't watch your child 24/7, but there are things that you can look out for that may raise a level of concern.'
Some of the warning signs she shares include:
Another caregiver constantly or frequently wants to be alone with your child
Another adult buying your child expensive gifts
An adult or other caregiver trying to persuade your child to keep secrets
'There should be no secrets between parents and kids,' she adds. 'If somebody asks them to keep a secret, that's not okay.'
In a similar vein, it is also vital to stay on top of your child's screen habits, she says. This includes keeping devices in public spaces such as the family room or kitchen, not allowing your child to use screens behind closed doors, and staying aware of the games, apps, and social media platforms they are using—especially because predators can use any of these platforms to discreetly message minors.
Fogel highlights the importance of talking openly about bodies, and Dr. Lane expands on that by emphasizing the need for teaching bodily autonomy.
'Beyond just open conversation about your body is a clear message to kids that their body is their body, and if they feel uncomfortable with how somebody is approaching them or approaching their body, they should tell somebody,' she explains. 'They have a right to decide who touches them. If they're uncomfortable, they should tell a parent or a trusted adult.'
She suggests having these discussions early on, explaining, 'Once [your child] can speak in full sentences, you can talk to them about their bodies, give them names for their private parts, talk to them about about bodily autonomy, what's okay and what's not okay, and that [they] can always come to you if something's not okay.'
While Fogel's no-punishment tip is somewhat vague, Dr. Ake offers his take, focusing on developmentally appropriate consequences without invoking fear.
He explains, 'We don't want to scare kids to behave, to make sure they're compliant, or [to make sure] they're listening, because that's not good for [parents] either, or for the [parent-child] relationship. It's [about] praising what you want to see more of, ignoring [minor] behavior, and then providing consequences that are reasonable and developmentally appropriate when that's not enough.'
When it comes to a predator grooming a child by threatening that they'll 'get in trouble' for telling a parent, Dr. Ake echoes Fogel's sentiment, adding, 'The hope is that they have built a relationship with their parents in a way [where] they know they can come talk to them about anything.'
To help build this type of parent-child relationship, Dr. Ake stresses the importance of consistency, structure, and routines in daily life.
'Kids just crave structure,' he says. 'They want to know where the limits are, and they thrive when they know that. They can do that in a comforting and supportive relationship. That's kind of the recipe for great parenting and strong relationships between children and families.'
Dr. Lane suggests examining closely any school, daycare, or organization that interacts with or cares for your child.
'Ideally, they will have policies for how staff interact with kids, and that may be things like having a code of conduct, what's acceptable behavior, and what's not,' she says. 'Parents can look at what their school [or daycare] requires, and they can also look at what their policies are for staffing their child's classroom.'
Along these lines, it's important to ensure that a nanny, babysitter, or other caregiver is fully vetted before they are left alone with your child. Requesting and verifying references, doing an initial trial period, and conducting background checks (if possible) can offer peace of mind that your child is in good hands.
Building on Fogel's advice to avoid teaching blind obedience, Dr. Lane emphasizes that fostering a child's self-confidence and self-assurance is a crucial step in preventing abuse.
'When a predator is looking for somebody to abuse, they look for kids who are vulnerable, or whose parents may be vulnerable,' she explains. 'So a parent who is attuned to ensuring a child's self-confidence, but also attuned to the behavior of the adults around them, will be better able to protect their child.'
Ultimately, a child who walks with confidence, makes eye contact, and isn't afraid to say 'no' or step back in uncomfortable situations is less likely to be targeted by predators, says Dr. every parenting approach is different, some of the key factors in preventing child sexual abuse are having open, honest conversations, teaching bodily autonomy and personal safety skills, and staying aware of the people in your child's life.
It's not always easy, but Dr. Ake reminds us that doing your best with the information you have is all anyone can ask for.
'Parenting is hard. It doesn't come with a manual,' he says. 'All of us want our kids to be safe, and I believe that most parents are doing the best that they can.'
Keeping your child safe isn't about doing everything perfectly, but about being present, aware, and ready to listen—that's what matters the original article on Parents
