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The Onion
28-04-2025
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Catty Cardinal Can't Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave
VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubén Salazar Gómez confirmed Monday that he couldn't wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. 'I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got chunky since last time,' said the Colombian prelate, snickering with his friends as they gossiped about which of their colleagues was most likely to have 'let himself go' since the last time the College of Cardinals met to elect a pope, in 2013. 'Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative of the opportunity to help mold the future of the Catholic Church, but I'm 95% only doing this to see who's hot and who's not. Remember that one archbishop from Brazil? He was just so smug about his 'fitness journey,' always commenting on what the rest of us took from the buffet—it would be so satisfying if he showed up all bloated in vestments the size of a circus tent. I know, that's terrible of me to say, but come on! Gluttony is a sin. By the way, I wonder if his low-budget hair plugs ever took.' At press time, the group of holy men were reportedly heard speculating that Cardinal Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle had had a total glow-up since last time.
Straits Times
27-04-2025
- Politics
- Straits Times
Diplomacy likely to trump geography in choice of new pope
Filipino cardinal Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle (centre) officiates a rosary prayer next to a portrait of late Pope Francis at Santa Maria Maggiore Basilica in Rome on April 24. PHOTO: AFP Diplomacy likely to trump geography in choice of new pope Vatican City - Pope Francis smashed the stereotypical profile for a pontiff, becoming the Catholic Church's first leader from the Americas and the first non-European since the eighth century. Some hope his successor, to be chosen in a conclave of cardinals in the coming days or weeks, could come from Africa or Asia. The late Argentinian pontiff championed far-flung regions long overlooked by the Church, whether in his cardinal appointments or in his travels that strayed off the beaten path, from Mongolia to Papua New Guinea. A non-European pope would make sense, given that Catholicism is growing in Africa and Asia, while church attendance is dropping and growth near-stagnant in Europe. But in today's increasingly complex world, analysts say an inclusive outlook and diplomatic skills will be key factors in the choice of the next pope, rather than a particular passport. The Church's first pope, St Peter, came from Galilee, in today's Israel, yet the long line of pontiffs in his wake have been chiefly Italian. Directly after being made pope on March 13, 2013, Francis joked that fellow cardinals had come 'almost to the ends of the Earth' to find him. During his papacy, the former archbishop of Buenos Aires pushed the Church to be more inclusive of those from the so-called 'peripheries', whether geographical areas far from Rome, or long-ignored populations. Through his trips abroad and outspoken advocacy of excluded groups like migrants and the poor, Francis sought to bring new voices into the over 2,000-year-old institution. He actively sought out those 'overlooked or under-represented in the universal Church', R. Scott Appleby, a US historian of global religion, told AFP. But he warned 'that doesn't guarantee, of course, that the next pope will be from the margins, from a country that's not as well-known, or is not Europe'. Mr Appleby called it a 'fool's game' to try to predict the next pope's nationality. Political 'counterpoint' Those betting on a non-European pope point to the fact that Francis has named the majority of the cardinals who will choose his successor, with many from under-represented regions. But Europe still has the largest voting bloc, with 53 cardinals, compared to 27 cardinal-electors from Asia and Oceania, 21 from South and Central America, 16 from North America and 18 from Africa, according to the Vatican. Some of those touted to succeed Francis also hail from outside the Church's traditional bastions of power – notably Manila's Luis Antonio Tagle or Ghana's cardinal Peter Turkson. Cardinals from Myanmar and the Democratic Republic of Congo are also cited as contenders, in an admittedly wide field. A pope from a poorer country brings a different perspective that would stand out in a world of strong and vocal Western leaders. Such a pontiff would have 'a first-hand experience of the poor... a country in a region that is not 'in the game' ', Mr Appleby said. 'And that lends a counterpoint to what have been the power centres on the political front. It's important for the Church to not simply replicate the power centres of the world.' The conclave will be looking 'for a cardinal capable of being a point of reference for many, according to different sensitivities', added Mr Roberto Regoli, an Italian historian at the Pontifical Gregorian University. 'World on fire' But experts agree that a papal contender's ability to unite the Church in an increasingly fractious geopolitical context may be the central deciding point. 'The new pope will have to redesign the Church in a world on fire,' Mr Alberto Melloni, an Italian professor of the history of Christianity, told the Corriere di Bologna newspaper this week. Mr Francois Mabille, director of France's Geopolitical Observatory of Religion (IRIS), said if cardinals decide geopolitics is the 'criterion of choice', the Vatican's current chief diplomat, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, 'may fit the bill perfectly, even if European and Italian'. Mr Appleby concurred: 'It's hard to imagine that the next pope can ignore the tumult and the challenges in the world. 'They'll be thinking: 'Boy, the world's in crisis... Who among us can emerge as someone of the proper charisma and talent to lead the Church at this point?' ' AFP Join ST's Telegram channel and get the latest breaking news delivered to you.
Time of India
22-04-2025
- Business
- Time of India
Betting on the next pope is back: Polymarket sparks global buzz on who will succeed Pope Francis; here's who it's projecting
Global interest surges as prediction markets open bets on the next Pope. Pietro Parolin, Vatican's Secretary of State, leads with a 37% chance. Filipino Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle follows with 32%. Péter Erdő, a Hungarian, holds 7%. Peter Turkson of Ghana secures 6%. Over $3 million wagered on potential pontiffs. Tired of too many ads? Remove Ads Who Will Be the Next Pope? Tired of too many ads? Remove Ads FAQs While the world focuses on the future of the Catholic Church , a tradition dating back centuries has come back with a contemporary spin of wagering on the next pope, as per a report. Polymarket , the prediction market platform, has sparked worldwide interest by opening up bets on who will be the next pope after Pope Francis died at the age of 88 years on Monday, according to betting platform found that, Italian Pietro Parolin , the Vatican's 70-year-old secretary of state since 2013, has a 37% chance to be elected as the next pope, as per the report. He is also known as the 'deputy pope' and is considered a moderate choice, according to next option is Filipino Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle, with the second highest chance of being Francis' successor as he has 32% bets on Polymarket. The 67-year-old is also referred to as the 'Asian Francis' due to his commitments to social justice and he would be the first pope from Asia, as per the third position is Péter Erdő , a 72-year-old Hungarian, with 7% bets on the platform. According to DailyBeast, he is conisdered to be more of a conservative than Francis or the first two Polymarket Erdő, was Peter Turkson of Ghana, who had 6% bets, as per DailyBeast. The 76-year-old would be the first pope from sub-Saharan Africa, according to the reported that the American cryptocurrency-based has accepted $3 million in wagers in total, with money being put behind a pack of 13 possible pontiffs. Polymarket is also accepting wagers on other pope-related markets, like his race and when he will be chosen, reported Parolin is currently the leading with a 37% chance of being elected as the next pope, as per has accepted over $3 million in bets on who will be the next pope.
