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Boston Globe
4 days ago
- General
- Boston Globe
We're Gemini soul mates, meant to be together. What went wrong?
I feel as if I lost my other half and my best friend, but also felt like I was being held back and not allowed to be my true self. Going on dates and talking to others feels like I am just passing time until we meet again. Is there such a thing as soul mates? If so, what do you do if you've lost yours? I grieve for someone who is still alive but does not want to be with me. GEMINI Related : Advertisement A. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in excellent partners and meaningful experiences. You had a very meaningful experience, but it wasn't supposed to last forever. I've noticed — especially in this column — that it can be harder to get over a complicated, sometimes-unhealthy relationship than an excellent one. Maybe that's because people spend so much time working on problems that they feel an absence of that mission when the relationship ends. It's like they're grieving the person, but also grieving the project of staying together. I can't say that's what you're experiencing. But maybe. I do think you'd benefit from focusing on yourself right now, as opposed to searching for the next love of your life. What if you were your own soul mate? (Sorry. Cheesy.) But what if you felt complete by yourself for a bit and then thought about finding company that complements who you are? Advertisement I guess that means I do believe in soul mates a little. Like, in the self-help way that tells us to realize, 'I was my own soul mate all along!' You had a big, life-changing experience with your ex. You can have another with someone new, maybe for a lifetime. But the relationship you can count on — no matter what — is the one you already have. You're your own Gemini twin flame, I swear. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: You may have had passion and love, but you didn't have the key ingredients for a healthy long-term relationship. You need to reframe this in your mind not as a lost soul mate but as an important love that wasn't meant to go the distance. DDL314 I'm shocked that therapy to discuss this obsession wasn't suggested. Yes — obsession. You married someone you barely knew and you're assigning all sorts of mystical auras to the relationship. You need to work on why you got so immersed in this with someone you didn't even know — and the fact that you're blaming your astrological sign for the breakup, rather than trying to learn from this, is really telling. HIKERGALNH128 'I was being held back and not allowed to be my true self.' Sorry, but that sure doesn't sound like someone with 'a strong, fiery disposition' to me. Neither does continually pining for someone five years after a divorce. Quite the opposite. At any rate, you need to move on. Advertisement EMPRESSETHEL The loss of a marriage is hard. I have sympathy, but you must play the hand you're dealt. You say your former partner doesn't want you; it's good you acknowledge that reality. The past shouldn't be a prison. BLUEAWNING I broke up with someone once. A year later she reached out and I said, 'Why not?' It didn't take very long to remember why I broke up in the first place. Exes are usually exes for a reason. JDROTEN Send your own relationship and dating questions to
Boston Globe
25-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
I love flowers. Why doesn't my husband buy them for me?
I'd like to think it's not worth throwing all this away because he doesn't get me flowers, but on the other hand … why doesn't he? Advertisement Idk… FLOWERLESS IN BOSTON A. This has to go beyond flowers. Because as we all know, and write your name in the sand. (Thank you, Miley.) I'll assume that the lack of 'tailoring' with gifts is the issue across the board. Perhaps your partner shows up with a generic mall gift card on birthdays. Maybe he saves all gifts for big holidays. Meanwhile, you're the kind of person who wants little tokens of affection on a random Tuesday. I don't know if his instincts will change, but I do think you can give him some tips. Tell him you like presents that are for you, specifically. You might encourage him to make a list of things you like — from objects to activities — and then use it for ideas. Advertisement Remind him he can ask for help. It's OK to text someone's friend and say, 'What would she love right now?' Also, if you'd rather have flowers than any other birthday gift, make that clear. Flowers are so much easier to buy than shirts, earrings, or electronics. Basically, you leave the hard part to the florist. It might be helpful for your partner to know that all he has to do is walk into a flower shop. You didn't say anything about why you are committed to this man, but you called him the love of your life. That means a lot. I have to imagine he's good at many things, including showing up . Make your own list of the ways you do feel seen by him. If the list isn't long, and you don't feel seen, that's a bigger problem — one that's a lot bigger than flowers. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: I'm not a flower person; but I also don't get how people are very specific on the exact gifts they want. To me, that takes out the intention of letting someone express love and affection in the way they want (de-icing a car, bringing home a favorite pint of ice cream, making coffee in the morning, sending a sweet text). I guess I just don't get how meaningful it will be if you feel you need to be relentless and demand flowers. Will that REALLY be special?!! BKLYNMOM He isn't going to change. You call him the love of your life, so presumably the relationship is satisfying in other ways. Advertisement DANGLEPARTICIPLE My ex-husband used to buy me beautiful flowers before we were married and then he turned [awful] after, so you could focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. LEGALLYLIZ2017 Related : My husband and I got a Costco membership, and whenever we are there near a birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, etc., he has me pick out a bouquet. Not the most romantic, but I still get flowers that are beautiful, and pretty cost effective since Costco is a good deal. THEGOODPLACE20 ^I hope he also gets you a Costco hot dog on the way out. That's true love, baby. (Disclosure: I am a big Costco fan and this comment is in no way meant as sarcasm!) STRIPEYCAT Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
04-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
I show more love than the people I date
I've gone on a number of dates with someone recently, but I feel like we may be showing up differently in our expressions of love. I think of myself as an action-based lover (I will prioritize you in my schedule, remember your favorite candies, and remember your important upcoming moments). Often, I find myself in relationships with people who are verbally validating but lack the action-based follow-through. How do I better align myself with people who share this value of actionable and tangible interest? How do I communicate that this is what I need, especially early on? I feel like I rarely make it past that third date tipping point where we have to start weighing whether we're going to start including each other in our weekly plans. A LONGING LESBIAN Advertisement A. People have talked about Love Languages here. I'm not all in on that book at all (and have plenty of criticisms of it), but I do think it's helped people notice loving actions they might have missed before. Maybe you're a better gift giver, but the person you're dating remembers stories you tell about your childhood. It's possible another person's verbal validations are actually quite lovely, but to you, they're just words. Advertisement You might consider how these people are showing affection and decide whether you could see more value in how they do it. Related : The other big thing: Some people don't dive in and show love until Date 15. Or 20. If you're wildly into someone at Date 2, giving them candies and rearranging your schedule, where can things go? That's a lot of pressure by Date 3. I get it. I am someone who has brought croissants to an early date because the person mentioned croissants. But it was a meaningless croissant — until later. At Date 3 or 5, I don't think we can call it a lack of follow-through. Maybe it's a slow burn. It's also possible this latest person isn't right for you. One way to find out: Ask how they show affection. One time I took the You have a ton of love to give, but you want to give it to the right people. If you can save it for when it's earned, you might see more in return. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: Relationships are not transactions. Yet what you're saying is that you believe relationships are transactions, and those transactions have to be reconciled regularly so that no one person in the relationship has given more than the other. Love and relationships never require the constant balancing you so clearly desire. BIGSIGH Related : Advertisement Finding a romantic partner isn't at all similar to placing an order for a happy meal. Your letter gives a very strong impression that you feel your dates owe you something more than being pleasant company over a cup of coffee. The cart doesn't come before the horse, it comes after the horse. Saying yes to going on a date with you doesn't equate to a marriage contract. AULDYIN I think what you're saying is that you give too much and get too little. Some people feel overwhelmed by too much love too early in a relationship, and they don't trust it. You may need to learn how your loving nature affects people, and how to dial it back. You can't control how other people react to you. You can only control your own behavior. OUTOFORDER You're 22 for God's sake, have some fun! LUPELOVE Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
02-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
He said ‘I love you' … once
After another couple of months, I mentioned that he had said it that one time but never again. I asked him if his feelings changed. His response was that he had no recollection of even saying it. The conversation that followed made it evident that he saw saying 'I love you' meant commitment to him. He was simply not at a place in his life where he was able to commit. 'If' he said it, it was because he was 'in the moment.' I'm quoting him. I may not ever be able to utter the words again. And how do I trust that someone is being genuine if it is ever said to me again? Advertisement IN THE MOMENT A. After months of dating, were you really in love with this man? Was it an I-can-see-this-person's-soul kind of love? Or more of a this-seems-pretty-exciting-let's-keep-dating love? Advertisement You say you were 'very much in love,' but it was so new. Maybe it was more about hope and excitement. I say this whenever we get an 'I love you' letter: Please define what you mean when you say it, especially to yourself. It felt amazing to hear the words from this man, and thrilling to say them back. You wanted to take every opportunity to share! That might reveal more about your previous relationship than this recent one. Related : You ask how to trust someone who says it in the future. Really, it's about consistency and thoughtfulness. If they say it once and never again, that tells you plenty. If they say it while you're driving to the grocery store, as opposed to in the heat of passion, that might show you even more. If they say it when the relationship is still new, please know that things could change. 'I like hanging out with you' might be a better and more honest place to start. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: This has nothing to do with anyone saying 'I love you.' It's all about you. The real issue is why you stayed in a marriage with a husband who was in love with someone else … for decades. EACB I think you will know if it's genuine when: 1) it's not just blurted out during a moment of passion; and … 2) ACTION, not just words. It supports that they genuinely care and appreciate you. Take things slow and allow trust and love to develop over time. BKLYNMOM You're being gaslighted. Big time. As you probably were in your decades-long marriage. See a therapist; people who lack confidence are drawn to people who gaslight. Stand up for yourself and toss the loser aside. Advertisement BIGSIGH My husband and I rarely say 'I love you,' but how he behaves is what tells me that he does, and I think that's often more meaningful. Lots of little selfless acts that show me he's caring. RCDER Related : I've always heard that saying 'I love you' is cultural ― New England men in particular find it hard to say, but men of Italian descent find it easy. So, my advice is to find someone whose feelings about the 'I love you' thing are compatible with yours. Use this as a test for whom to get involved with. That should make your dating life ― any any future married life ― much easier. OUTOFORDER As for future relationships, I'd perhaps try to find someone closer aligned to your propensity to commit early. Let's say you're using a dating app, maybe be upfront about your passion for a relationship, something along the lines of 'when I find someone who I'm physically and emotionally compatible with, I let them know how important they are to me. If you're not one to validate those same feelings, please consider looking elsewhere, as I'm after a long-term, loving relationship.' Maybe being upfront will match you with an ideal partner. Good luck. SOXSUPPORTER This isn't the guy for you. But in future relationships, you can make your desires known when getting to know someone. For example, on one of your first dates, you ask them, 'What are your relationship goals?' And then you can tell them yours ('I am looking for a committed guy who loves verbal affection and romance as much as I do'). Sure, some guys will balk and reject you because they are not looking for a commitment in general, or just don't see themselves falling in love with you. Don't even take it personally. Just keep dating and being honest, and you can find a guy that mutually clicks with you. Classic advice, but … don't even bother to worry about 'I love yous' until you are already an obvious, well-established couple and it officially means something when you say it to each other. Advertisement LITTLEPENGUIN456 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
25-04-2025
- Boston Globe
Was I single long enough?
Advertisement MY COUPLED SELF Related : A. I happen to believe we can grow, change, and learn lessons while in a relationship. One of the ways we do that is by doing stuff on our own — and with friends. I'm not asking you to force yourself to be alone on a day you might be with your partner, but I am saying … maybe challenge yourself to explore a new city without companionship. Spend a weekend visiting a friend on occasion. We had a podcast episode about our own travel writer, in which he admits he has spent very little time being single (he coupled up young, then coupled up again). He winds up missing out on single-person lessons, but learns them when he gets the Globe travel job. At that point, even though he was coupled, he had to go around the world alone, talk to strangers, navigate other languages, and spend time with his thoughts. It winds up teaching him plenty. (I Advertisement We all wonder what we might be doing if we traveled another route. If I had gone back to Maryland after college, I might have a very different life — and a strong Baltimore accent. I didn't do that, and now I'm here. You're where you are. No matter what path we've chosen, if we try new things, we're still learning. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: You know you are ready to move to another relationship when you are completely over your last relationship and you are excited to meet someone new. Otherwise there is no set way to grow and to know yourself and to move to new relationships. It's all different all the time. You say you are happy in the new relationship? I wonder. If you were I don't see you wanting to be anywhere else but with your new person. But you're questioning it. So take a look at why you are questioning it. JSMUS You can grow and learn things about yourself just as well as you can grow and learn things about yourself alone. It's a trap that people fall into thinking they can only grow when they're by themselves. It's not like you wake up one day fully formed; growth happens all the time. The problem you're having is with the relationship you're in, not your own growth. You seem uncertain and if you're pining for single life that should be a giant flag that you aren't fully committed to the person you're with. Advertisement SURFERROSA Providing your age would have been helpful; it's completely different stories to be 18 with your entire life ahead of you than in middle age. Obviously personal growth can occur anytime, but I don't believe you'd be writing a letter if you didn't have doubts that being in a relationship is holding you back from something. Do you know what that something is? PENSEUSE Related : Let me check my Dating Rules and Regulations manual, version 439. Yup there it is, page 276, section 4, Guidelines for Dating After a Breakup. Says right here: There are no rules about when to start dating after a breakup. Sarcasm aside, this isn't about time, it's about emotional healthiness and readiness. You don't want to bring baggage from old relationships into new ones. That said, you are spending a decent amount of time thinking about being single in your 'head over heels' relationship. Maybe you should take a break. Either from thinking about being single or your relationship. ASH We're supposed to figure out the meaning of life next? Where the sky ends? Why the chicken crossed the road? Seriously, stop contemplating what-ifs and live the life you've chosen. But if you really feel like shaking things up again, show this letter to your current gf. She'll likely give you all the what-ifs straight to the curb LUPELOVE Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from . Advertisement
