I show more love than the people I date
I've gone on a number of dates with someone recently, but I feel like we may be showing up differently in our expressions of love. I think of myself as an action-based lover (I will prioritize you in my schedule, remember your favorite candies, and remember your important upcoming moments). Often, I find myself in relationships with people who are verbally validating but lack the action-based follow-through.
How do I better align myself with people who share this value of actionable and tangible interest? How do I communicate that
this
is what I need, especially early on? I feel like I rarely make it past that third date tipping point where we have to start weighing whether we're going to start including each other in our weekly plans.
A LONGING LESBIAN
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A.
People have talked about Love Languages here. I'm not
all in
on that book at all (and have plenty of criticisms of it), but I do think it's helped people notice loving actions they might have missed before.
Maybe you're a better gift giver, but
the person you're dating remembers stories you tell about your childhood. It's possible another person's verbal validations are actually quite lovely, but to you, they're just words.
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You might consider how these people
are
showing affection and decide whether you could see more value in how they do it.
Related
:
The other big thing: Some people don't dive in and show love until Date 15. Or 20. If you're wildly into someone at Date 2, giving them candies and rearranging your schedule, where can things go? That's a lot of pressure by Date 3.
I get it. I am someone who has brought croissants to an early date because the person mentioned croissants. But it was a
meaningless croissant
— until later.
At Date 3 or 5, I don't think we can call it a lack of follow-through. Maybe it's a slow burn.
It's also possible this latest person isn't right for you. One way to find out: Ask how they show affection. One time I took the
You have a ton of love to give, but you want to give it to the right people. If you can save it for when it's earned, you might see more in return.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Relationships are not transactions. Yet what you're saying is that you believe relationships are transactions, and those transactions have to be reconciled regularly so that no one person in the relationship has given more than the other. Love and relationships
never
require the constant balancing you so clearly desire.
BIGSIGH
Related
:
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Finding a romantic partner isn't at all similar to placing an order for a happy meal. Your letter gives a very strong impression that you feel your dates owe you something more than being pleasant company over a cup of coffee. The cart doesn't come before the horse, it comes after the horse. Saying yes to going on a date with you doesn't equate to a marriage contract.
AULDYIN
I think what you're saying is that you give too much and get too little. Some people feel overwhelmed by too much love too early in a relationship, and they don't trust it. You may need to learn how your loving nature affects people, and how to dial it back. You can't control how other people react to you. You can only control your own behavior.
OUTOFORDER
You're 22 for God's sake, have some fun!
LUPELOVE
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