5 days ago
You could use AI to craft a breakup text. But should you?
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Marisa Cohen is seeing more people, specifically Gen Z and millennials, turn to AI when making their online dating profiles.
She says using AI-powered dating aides is like getting love advice from friends, family members of loved ones.
"You need to take it with a grain of salt," the relationship therapist told Day 6 guest host Manjula Selvarajah.
Cohen says her clients use AI to create messages to potential partners, and edit their biographies and photos. People also use AI to help craft breakup messages, break the ice and navigate other emotionally-charged subjects.
And while some people have concerns about how AI is used in the dating game, AI ethicists say the technology is just a tool that's not inherently good or bad, but what matters is how people use it.
'A mix of self-help books and astrology'
Angela Misri's biggest concern regarding AI in dating is the influence of bias and amplifying racial and gendered stereotypes. Her research at Toronto Metropolitan University focuses on AI, and how that intersects with digital culture.
She says that, for example, the stereotype that women disproportionately do the emotional labour in relationships can inform the algorithm behind an AI program and its response.
Misri says stereotypical AI responses aren't helpful when it comes to dealing with something as personal as dating.
"[AI] is going to give you a stereotype: 'Here's what most of the internet has posted about something, and I've sucked it into my large language model and this is what you should do,'" Misri said.
One of the most popular AI dating assistants is Rizz. It's a cross-platform communication tool that uses uploaded screenshots to provide users with advice on what to say. The app had over 20,000 daily downloads in 2024, according to Forbes.
Dating assistant apps like Rizz say users' experiences are improved by AI because it helps lead to better conversations, confidence, and more matches.
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Richard Lachman says AI dating assistants can help address surface level needs but are ultimately unfulfilling.
"I think of AI in these contexts as a combination of self-help books and astrology. There may be some good advice there but you're projecting a lot," said Lachman, who researches AI ethics at TMU.
Despite how AIs communicate, Lachman says they don't truly understand the people involved.
"Unlike a good friend, they have no memory of me, no larger context. They're really statistical engines doing math," Lachman said.
Kristina Dukoski felt that first hand. She said her ex-partner used AI to communicate with her. She said her partner sent the exact same message every morning and used the same phrases over text during their conversations throughout the day.
"There was no nuance to the way he spoke, like you'd expect a person to have," Dukoski said.
She called it "suspicious" and "upsetting." When confronted, she says he admitted to using AI at times out of convenience.
Lachman warns against relying on AI advice because they're "sycophantic."
"They try to reflect back what they think you want to hear because they've been trained through positive reinforcement to make people happy," Lachman said.
The benefits of AI dating assistance
Lachman says there are benefits to using AI. One of its strengths is its ability to pull from several sources like books, advice columns, and Reddit threads.
He says another advantage is that it's almost always available.
"You never have to feel awkward at asking a question that might make you feel dumb," Lachman said.
Cohen says she's also seen clients use AI to process their thoughts and feelings in between sessions instead of journaling.
"If we're just using it for psychoeducational purposes, to process our own feelings, to understand what we're looking for in partnerships, that can actually be a wonderful tool and make us more adept at entering healthy relationships," Cohen says.
She says where people draw the line of what's too much AI in their dating life varies but says completely relying on it is problematic.
"It's really hard to gauge where it starts to interfere with a person's presentation of their authentic selves," Cohen said.
Dating ethically with AI
Olivia Gambelin says AI is a response to the fear of rejection and inability to connect that young people experience in modern dating culture.
"I see it a bit as potentially adding to the problem that's already there," said,Gambelin, an AI ethicist and author of Responsible AI: Implement an Ethical Approach in Your Organization.
Instead, Gambelin says dealing with challenging situations can be healthy for people and helps them grow.
She says it's important to communicate with potential partners how you're using AI.
She also suggests that before you start using AI in dating, reflect on your relationship goals.
