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5 days ago
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What is ‘compersion' and why are LGBTQ+ folks more likely to experience it? Sex experts explain
When Michelle Visage was asked for the secret to the success of her 28-year marriage, during a guest spot on Cush Jumbo's podcast, she shared a surprising and honest answer: Compersion. She's not alone. A fascinating trend in recent years is the rise in popularity of 'consensual non-monogamy.' According to the 2023 SIA Study, nearly a third (31%) of singles reported having been in a non-monogamous relationship. But what exactly is compersion? And what role does it play in an open and non-monogamous relationship? 'It's commonly referred to as 'the opposite of jealousy,' which is not entirely accurate as both can be felt simultaneously,' Ally Iseman, a queer non-monogamous Certified Relationship Coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, tells PRIDE. 'It is generally used to describe 'experiencing joy or pleasure from one's partner experiencing joy or pleasure with someone else.'' While it does not solely apply to sexual relationships in that context, it 'refers to the vicarious joy and/or the positive attitudes and behaviors one experiences in response to their partner taking pleasure from another relationship,' Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading compersion expert and scholar, and the author of What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships tells PRIDE. So if you or a partner is curious about exploring an open relationship — or if you already are, and are looking for a word to describe the feeling of joy you already experience simply by witnessing theirs, here's everything you've wanted to know about compersion. Where did the word 'compersion' originate? While the feeling of compersion is timeless, the word itself does have an origin. 'The term compersion was coined and defined in the 1970s by the Kerista community, a San Francisco-based polyamorous group that has since disbanded,' Dr Thouin explains. 'Although polyamorists were the first to coin this term in the English language, the concept had existed long before,' she continues Buddhists had long considered sympathetic joy (referred to as mudita in Sanskrit) to be one of the four qualities of the enlightened person — the other three being loving kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), and equanimity (upeksha).' What does compersion feel like? illustrissima/Shutterstock Like all emotions, there is no one way to feel it. Individuals experience compersion, well, individually. In doing research for their book, Dr. Thouin discovered there were two main categories for how it was experienced. The first, she explains, is 'embodied compersion,' which she says skews more closely to what people picture when they hear the word, says Dr. Thouin. It's 'the empathic, intoxicating joy we might feel when our partner is experiencing a pleasurable connection with someone else. It's an erotic and/or emotional turn on that is felt in the body,' she says, adding that it is often described as a warm and fuzzy, titillating or bubbly feeling. '[My] clients say it's euphoric. Like a rush,' Cheryl Maida, Director of Matchmaking at tells PRIDE. 'They feel genuinely happy watching their partner experience real pleasure. For a few, it's also a major turn-on. Some even described it as incredible foreplay. It's not about being disconnected, it's about being deeply connected and feeling secure.' The second type is 'attitudinal compersion,' which is more of a feeling of support and 'interpretation of our partner's happiness with another person as a positive event, and the supportive behaviors we show towards our partner's other relationship. It involves holding a supportive outlook towards our partner's other dates,' explains Dr. Thoouin. How does compersion differ from empathy? If you're thinking, 'Well, that just sounds a lot like empathy,' you're not wrong. Compersion and empathy are related, but there is a difference, Dr. Thouin says. 'Compersion is a form of empathy focused on positive events and feelings. In most of the psychological literature, empathy is researched from the lens of caring about — or "feeling into" — someone's painful experiences,' she explains. Whereas, 'compersion, on the other hand, is another way to describe 'positive empathy,' or 'vicarious joy.'' Can compersion be beneficial to your relationship? Compersion, it turns out, can be a powerful tool for deepening your bonds in all your relationships, not just romantic ones, because it increases trust and intimacy. 'Whether one is in a consensually non-monogamous relationship — a designation that includes polyamory, open relationships, swinging, relationship anarchy, and other — or not, compersion conveys to another person that we genuinely support them on their chosen path to wellbeing,' says Dr. Thouin. It's a way to genuinely and selflessly grow bonds of trust, Byrd, a queer sex educator with Sex Ed With Byrd, tells PRIDE. '[Because] it reframes your partner's joy as your joy too, rather than a threat or something to be jealous about. It can create more spaciousness for communication and mutual support.' Plus, it opens you up to unique ways to create meaningful memories and experiences, Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad, tells PRIDE. 'It not only gets you beautiful moments of shared joy where both of you truly feel great for one of your experiences or achievements, but if your partner gets happy for your sake, it also builds trust and an openness,' she says, and that can only benefit your connection. 'If you feel that your partner wants the best, not only when you are with them, that will make your relationship so much stronger, but also more free, which will increase the chances of you having the best time together.' Do LGBTQ+ people feel compersion more than their straight counterparts? The answer is, seemingly, yes: queer folks are more likely to experience compersion. 'While anyone can experience it, my research showed that a LGBTQ+ identity did positively correlate with compersion,' Dr. Thouin shares. She posits that having already come out as LGBTQ+ made it easier for them to come out as non-monogamous, and they 'typically belonged to more sex-positive and inclusive communities that made compersion more likely to arise.' Byrd also cites that queer communities being more open and less rigid culturally can also lead to a greater frequency of experiencing compersion. 'There's often a cultural openness among LGBTQIA2S+ folks toward exploring love and connection outside rigid norms or societal scripts,' they explain. 'Many of us have had to question societal rules or make up our own, which might make us more willing to embrace compersion. But anyone, regardless of orientation, can feel it!' If compression doesn't come naturally, is it something that can be learned? For some, feelings of compersion arise naturally, while for others, not so much. The question is, though, can you learn to feel it? Is it something that can be fostered and grown? Byrd says, 'Absolutely,' and describes it like building a new muscle. 'Therapy, self-reflection, communication, and mindful reframing help cultivate those feelings over time.' They add the key is to learn how to reframe and redirect feelings of jealousy by refocusing on the joy your partner is feeling. Iseman agrees. 'Compersion itself is an emotional experience. Cultivating the ability to access and feel it more readily is a relationship skill that can be practiced, just like building up the ability to hold the discomfort of jealousy in order to learn from it rather than avoiding it,' she explains. 'If someone is curious to experience it, it can be developed through practice and exposure, but it is by no means required for a successful open relationship.' If it doesn't come naturally, Roos says to be patient with yourself and take your time. 'For many, compersion is an attitude and something you can learn to achieve, but it takes time, especially in a sexual context if you're used to viewing romantic and sexual relationships as monogamous,' she shares. 'It can take time to master also when it comes to other types of situations than just sexual and romantic ones, because so many are used to feeling happiness related to their own success, because we don't really learn to feel happy for others in today's world.' Does the LGBTQ+ community have a unique relationship to compersion? Shawn Goldberg/Shutterstock While all the experts agree that anyone, regardless of sexual identity or gender, can experience compersion, LGBTQ+ people do have a unique relationship to the feeling. That's because our lived experiences are frequently less traditional and more integrated into our chosen communities. 'We challenge the traditional binary and norms,' Anthony Canapi, MA, Gay Matchmaker & LGBTQ+ Dating Expert tells PRIDE. 'Queer folks often grow up without seeing themselves in dominant love stories. So, we write our own, and guess what others do, and it can connect with our own, and for some, compersion follows suit, regardless of whether it is platonic or romantic.' Canapi continues, 'Due to our marginalizations and intersectionality, we hold as LGBTQ2IA people, we see things through a different cultural lens, with care and emotional freedom.' 'Many LGBTQ+ folks build chosen families and community bonds where joy is collective,' adds Byrd. 'There's often a spirit of rooting for each other's happiness, especially in contexts where our relationships have faced external stigma. That solidarity can overlap beautifully with compersion.' Expert cited: Ally Iseman, a queer non-monogamous Certified Relationship Coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading compersion expert and scholar, creator of and the author of What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships Byrd, a queer sex educator with Sex Ed With Byrd Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad Anthony Canapi, MA, Gay Matchmaker & LGBTQ+ Dating Expert This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'compersion' and why are LGBTQ+ folks more likely to experience it? Sex experts explain Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
25-05-2025
- Entertainment
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You May Be In A 'Tolyamorous' Relationship Without Ever Having Discussed It
By now, you've likely heard of polyamory — the interest in or practice of engaging in more than one romantic relationship at a time with the consent of all parties — that has captured the cultural conversation of late. But you may not be familiar with the term 'tolyamory,' a different relationship structure that is prevalent but seldom spoken about. Tolyamory is a term coined by sex and relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage. It's a portmanteau, combining the words tolerate and polyamory, and refers to a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners puts up with — or tolerates — the other's outside sexual or romantic contact. Unlike polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy, it's not something the couple has explicitly discussed and agreed to. Savage introduced the word in a January episode of his podcast 'Savage Lovecast:' '[It's] someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage. They're able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love. And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable. These people aren't fools or dupes. They're not to be pitied — they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got. They're willing to put up with it — a certain amount of it — reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.' Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, coach and author of the forthcoming book 'What Is Compersion?' summed up tolyamory this way: 'Tolyamory is a relationship style where one or both members of a socially monogamous couple turn a blind eye to the sex their partner is having — or has had — with someone else, in order to maintain the relationship,' she told HuffPost via email. 'One or both of them are tolerating, or putting up with, their partner's non-monogamous behavior, but not openly endorsing it.' And though we don't have any solid data on the prevalence of tolyamorous relationships, Thouin said she believes they are likely 'very common.' 'Think of famous couples like Hillary and Bill Clinton, where infidelity was exposed — yet they remained together as a 'socially monogamous couple,' rather than either breaking up or going 'full poly' and openly embracing other partners,' she said. 'I would hypothesize that these kinds of situations happen commonly.' A fictional example of a tolyamorous couple would be Cameron and Daphne from the second season of 'White Lotus,' as Savage pointed out on his podcast. Polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost that tolyamory is 'probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy.' Still, the experts HuffPost spoke to believe it could be a useful word to add to today's lexicon. 'It conveys many people's reality and brings attention to the prevalence of these dynamics,' said Thouin. It's also useful in that it differentiates this relationship dynamic from other similar ones, including poly under duress (known as PUD) and don't ask, don't tell (known as DADT). Unlike tolyamory, both PUD and DADT are 'openly negotiated forms of non-monogamy,' Thouin said. With poly under duress, one partner voices their desire to be polyamorous and the other partner goes along with it to preserve the relationship, albeit begrudgingly. 'PUD folks might be struggling with their partner's non-monogamous behavior, but they usually have entered this arrangement with informed consent and transparency,' Thouin said. 'Tolyamorous folks often have entered it retroactively through the discovery of infidelity, or an ultimatum — e.g. 'I will have sex with others whether you agree to it or not.' Additionally, PUD folks are not typically trying to maintain the appearance of monogamy.' Don't ask, don't tell is a 'somewhat explicitly discussed non-monogamous dynamic' where both partners know the other is having sexual or romantic relations with others, 'but they just don't ask each other questions about it,' said Yau, noting that the ethics of this arrangement are 'also tenuous.' Don't ask, don't tell is closer to tolyamory than poly under duress — and Thouin says she expects many people will use DADT and tolyamory interchangeably. 'In my understanding, however, DADT is more likely to be an egalitarian dynamic where both members of a couple are allowing one another to have sex outside the couple, as long as they keep it away from sight,' she said. 'I suspect that tolyamory shows up more often in one-sided dynamics where one person remains monogamous while the other is sexually active with others.' With PUD and DADT, partners are engaging in non-monogamy in 'kind of ambiguously or dubiously consensual ways,' Yau said, but there's at least usually conversation about the desire to be non-monogamous. 'But tolyamory is specifically when none of those conversations even happen and people just are pretending and are in denial that something is happening,' Yau said. There are many reasons people might find themselves in a tolyamorous dynamic — even if it's not their preferred relationship structure. For one, some cultures recognize that lifelong monogamy isn't realistic and believe extramarital sex is likely to occur, 'but it needs to be kept discreet in order for people to save face, and maintain the public appearance of monogamy,' Thouin said, citing stereotypes about the French as one example. 'Furthermore, societies where gender equality is less advanced tend to have dual standards when it comes to these expectations: Women are expected to tolerate their husbands' infidelity, while remaining monogamous,' she added. Socioeconomic status also plays a major role in tolyamory. If a woman is financially or socially dependent on her male partner, 'she will be more likely to 'tolerate' one-way infidelity, because the alternative — leaving and finding herself single — is worse,' Thouin said. 'However, in more socially progressive societies, women are quickly closing the 'infidelity gap' — which means that, ironically, everyone has a more equal chance at ending up in a tolyamorous dynamic.' Still, while non-monogamy has become more mainstream, it is still largely viewed as taboo in the U.S., a society that rewards monogamous coupledom and often stigmatizes singleness and non-monogamy. Yau said that some tolyamorous couples may be thinking to themselves: 'I don't want to create the impression that I'm promiscuous or that I'm going to spread STIs or that I'm destroying marriage and family or whatever, And so I'm going to pretend that we're actually monogamous and keep up appearances. And if my partner sees other people, I, at least, can preserve my innocence by pretending that it's not happening.' The existenceof tolyamory shows just how unwilling many people are to communicate openly in their relationships and how fearful they are of expressing their true desires to their partner, Yau said. And ending a relationship is often quite complicated — so it's no wonder many couples practice tolyamory rather than parting ways. 'People depend on one another for mutual care, financial security and emotional safety,' Thouin said. 'And even when power dynamics are on the healthy, egalitarian side, leaving relationships is often very costly — materially and personally.' 6 Signs A Non-Monogamous Relationship Might Be Right For You You Might Be Experiencing 'Compersion' In Your Relationship. Here's How To Know. I Was Unexpectedly Widowed at 29. Then I Found Out About My Husband's Affairs.
