Latest news with #MatinginCaptivity
The Spinoff
13-08-2025
- General
- The Spinoff
Help Me Hera: Should I leave my long-term relationship?
I feel like I'm tricking my girlfriend into staying with me under false pretences. Want Hera's help? Email your problem to helpme@ or fill out this form. Kia ora Hera, I have been with my girlfriend for almost 10 years now (we're both in our late 20s) and for the majority of that time, we have been somewhere between happy and madly in love. We have had our tough times like any relationship, but we have always come through these times closer and stronger. However, I've always had this quiet feeling that, as much as I love my girlfriend, there is a part of me that is performing this love. I have moments where I feel I am going to explode with love for her, but there are also moments where I need to talk myself into feeling this way. I feel very guilty that I am lying to everyone around me and that I am tricking her into staying with someone who does not truly love her. Recently, I've been thinking more about what life would look like if I left the relationship and if we both would be happier with someone else. It would be a huge change to both our lives and to those around us, but maybe it would be for the better? But then another side of me feels that being a 7/10 happy 99% of the time is better than being 10/10 happy 1% of the time. You're probably going to say I should talk to her about this rather than seek answers from a stranger online, but if I say something out loud, it will make it real, Hera! So, is comfort and contentedness at the expense of fiery passion worth it? Or should I fuck my life up and leave my happy long-term relationship? Yours, Dear Conflicted, First of all, congratulations. Being with someone for your entire twenties is a powerful feat of romantic endurance. You must have a strong connection for your relationship to have survived this long. It's funny you think I would suggest you discuss this with your girlfriend. I really believe this is one of those decisions you need to make privately. Telling your girlfriend you're worried you don't love her enough is only going to torpedo your relationship, haunt her forever, or turn an amicable break-up into an excruciating one. I'm not saying you can't have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about your future. If you do decide to stay, there are plenty of ways to go about rekindling the spark (I recommend reading All About Love by bell hooks, or Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel). If you want some real boots-on-the-ground advice, I would suggest finding an older married person in your life and asking them for a reality check. I think you'll find their advice reassuring – if you want reassurance. But I don't think these conversations are worth having if you already have one foot out the door. Ultimately, I can't tell you whether your relationship is worth saving. But the funny thing about your first long relationship is that you basically have nothing to compare it to, beyond observing older married couples in their natural habitat (wandering aimlessly around garden centres). Most great artistic representations of romance deal with the business of getting hitched, getting divorced, or being haunted by unrequited love. In a way, this makes perfect sense. Nobody wants to read a bodice ripper about a married couple bickering over whose turn it is to de-worm the dog. But it does mean that no amount of theory can adequately prepare you for what a long-term relationship feels like. There's something romantic about linking your fate to someone and venturing into uncharted territory together. But it's also hard to know if what you're feeling is normal. The first thing that strikes me about your letter is that it sounds like you really do love your girlfriend. Frankly, spending most of your relationship 'somewhere between happy and madly in love' is a measure that would blow many established marriages out of the water. It just goes to show how difficult it is to talk honestly about the realities of a long-term relationship, without either resorting to grim bootstrap adages about how 'love is hard work' (OK, but not that hard) or buying into self-aggrandising fictions from people pretending every day is another day of bliss on monogamy island, and anything less is immediate grounds for divorce. The boring truth is you can't expect that first rush of endorphins to last forever. With time, the feeling of being in love changes and deepens, and goes through elaborate life-cycles, not unlike that of the common frog. Anyone who spends enough time with another person, romantic or otherwise, will experience periods of distance and renewed closeness. It doesn't sound to me like you're tricking your girlfriend. It seems like you're having a minor crisis of faith. Part of loving someone is figuring out how to weather these crises. You say that you feel like you're performing your love, but sometimes love is a performance. I don't mean performance as in make-believe. But love isn't just a feeling you check the temperature of from time to time, like inserting a meat thermometer into the anal cavity of a rotisserie chicken. Love is a series of actions that accumulate meaning and weight through repetition. Performing love is an act of love. Sometimes the performance is just as important as the spontaneous overflow of feeling. Basically, I think that what you're feeling is normal and nothing to stress out over. However, there's an important caveat I'd like to add, which is: you're allowed to break up with someone you love for no reason. Let me say it again. You're allowed to break up with someone you love for no reason. Even if everyone thinks you're perfect for each other. Even if you've been together for a long time, and have made certain promises. Even if you have nothing better to look forward to. Even if it's going to royally piss off your girlfriend, destroy your friendship group and make you a temporary social pariah. Even if it's inconvenient and expensive, and you share a dachshund with separation anxiety. Even if it breaks your heart. I think this is hard to internalise, especially if you're deeply loyal and invested in being a morally upstanding person. It can feel like there's no justification for leaving a perfectly good relationship, and the mature thing to do is simply to grit your teeth for the next 50 years. But wanting to leave is the only criterion that really matters. If you and your partner have been together for most of your twenties, you probably feel like you've missed out on a few important things. The chance to sleep around and date other people. The chance to be alone in the world and get to know yourself outside of the context of a romantic relationship. This stuff is important too. It's fine to break up with someone simply because you're curious about what else the world has to offer. I know a lot of people who left good, mutually respectful relationships with people they deeply loved, simply because they worried they would always regret it if they didn't. It doesn't need to be a good decision for it to be the right decision. Sometimes you reach an impasse, and there's no solution but razing your perfect life to the ground. Nobody can make this choice for you. But I do think you should focus on what you truly want, not what you think your girlfriend deserves.
Yahoo
11-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Hinge partners with Esther Perel for new prompts
Today, Hinge launches new prompts co-created with Esther Perel, psychotherapist and host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin? Perel is known for her expertise on sex and relationships. Where Should We Begin? brings listeners into anonymous couples therapy sessions. Perel's bestselling book Mating in Captivity discusses sex in long-term relationships. SEE ALSO: Best dating apps for singles who want something serious The 10 new conversation starters, themed "Your World," aim to encourage users to share beyond the typical details on a dating app profile. In my friend group, I'm the one who... Something my pet thinks about me... The kindest thing someone has ever done for me... An award my family would give me... You'd never know, but I... I'm in my element when... Before we meet, you should listen to... I could stay up all night talking about... It's not a vacation unless... Where I go when I want to feel a little more like myself... "As a couples therapist, I've spent decades observing relationships at all stages. I've seen that love often starts with an invitation: to talk, to connect, to share stories, to explore the world together. And the right invitations elicit curiosity, inspire playfulness, and break daters out of old scripts," said Perel in the press release. Hinge is known for its prompts, and earlier this year, the app added AI-powered prompt feedback to encourage more thorough responses. (Mashable has compared AI features on Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble.) Hinge also recently introduced Match Note, a way to share private details with matches that daters may not want to share on a public profile. Prompts are apparently so successful that other dating apps have started adding similar features. In recent years, both Bumble and Tinder added them as options to user profiles (the latter and Hinge are both owned by the same parent company, Match Group).
Yahoo
27-05-2025
- Business
- Yahoo
Why Esther Perel is going all in on saving the American workforce in the age of AI
Esther Perel has been a relationship whisperer for decades. The renowned psychotherapist, author of Mating in Captivity, and host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? has spoken extensively about the power of intimacy in romantic relationships. Now, Perel is laser-focused on a different frontier: the workplace relationship. 'People's expectations of work have risen tremendously, like they have risen in the romantic sphere,' says Perel. And still, 'the time and the patience that they allocate to it have decreased sharply.' As more workers contend with return-to-office battles, the looming rollout of AI, and economic uncertainty, Perel says there is no better place to focus her energy. People spend the majority of their adult lives interacting with coworkers, and the relationships that may seem easily dismissed as transactional and contextual are becoming lifelines worth investing in. Perel says we are facing an unprecedented time, as more people yearn for intimacy at work as a way to feel 'purpose, meaning, belonging, and community.' Reflecting on decades of research, Perel recognizes that the same desire for security and belonging that she preached as the pillars of romantic intimacy applies to work. That's why Perel recently launched a new card game, Where Should We Begin? At Work, in collaboration with Culture Amp, an HR tech platform. The game is intended to help colleagues learn more about one another by prompting storytelling, like a time they appreciated a former boss or felt connected to a colleague. 'The world of psychology and emotions has entered the workplace,' says Perel. 'We talk about authenticity, psychological safety, and vulnerability in the same breath as we're talking about performance indicators—and that is fascinating.' In an interview with Fortune, Perel talks about the key issues plaguing workplace relationships and how to feel more connected and purposeful in the modern office. This interview has been edited for length and clarity. : What spurred you to think more about workplace relationships? The workplace is going through a major upheaval, with a very uncertain future. And the meaning of relationships in the workplace has completely changed. It used to be soft skills—stuff that you can admire in principle, but then you disregard in reality. For the first time, relationships are no longer just soft. They are actually part of the bottom line. They're part of the competitive edge. They're part of the one thing that AI cannot yet so easily replace. Tell us about your new game, focused on building relational intelligence at work. It was a logical thing to do. How do we actually create something that is tangible, that you can hold in your hands, that is fun, and that is playful? As one of the people from Culture Amp said, 'You can either have a training on management, or you can hear people's stories about managers who totally influence the way they themselves manage today.' Storytelling is a very powerful bridge for connection. Stories are the way we remember each other way more than data, for that matter, and it's not just your typical icebreaker. It's a very in-depth, layered set of cards that you use in multiple work situations, offsites, team building, and one-on-one feedback sessions. What are people getting wrong when it comes to relationships at work? People avoid face-to-face conversation. People make a lot of noise about honesty, transparency, authenticity, and all this stuff. But in fact, they demonstrate rather little of it in work situations. People have really lost the ability to knock at someone's door and just say, 'Can I come in for a moment?' What happens when people who come to work are more and more socially atrophied and have experienced major desocialization? Basic transactions that used to be part of any social interaction have become really challenging. How does it influence the way people deal with conflict, disagreement, or simple discomfort in the workplace? What everyone understands is that there is a real need to develop relational intelligence or human skills. This is directly connected to performance, and especially to sustained high performance. That data is very clear. How can coworkers have intimacy yet maintain professional boundaries? I think one of the most recent interesting findings about relationships in the workplace is that people's happiness at work is determined first and foremost by the actual presence of a best friend at work. It means that people expect and experience intimacy at work. Friendship is intimacy. It means that there is someone at work whom you can trust, with whom you experience a deep sense of belonging. They wait for you in the morning. You experience a sense of recognition from knowing that you are valued, that you are respected, that you matter, and that you can experience a sense of collective resilience. If there's something that happens, you can together devise a way to handle tough situations. I think the idea that people don't have intimacy at work is actually inaccurate. You're very intimate with your supervisor and with your manager. But that doesn't mean you reveal all your inner truths. Intimacy means that you get me. It's not about how much I have shared with you. I think that's a really important distinction. Can you can be friends with your boss or someone senior to you? I think you can. People seem to always be a little bit worried that there is a power differential, but there are power dynamics in every relationship. Ask any parent of a 2-year-old, and it's not because they have power over the 2-year-old. Power is not always a negative thing. It's intrinsic. The moment you depend on somebody, you have power. And there is power to the mentee, and there is power to the mentor. [At work] we can have elements of friendship, mutuality, reciprocity, shared interests, having each other's backs, and enhancing each other's interests in various areas. How do you build relational intelligence in a toxic workplace? The main thing we have control over is us. You can change, I think, at least pieces, sometimes small, sometimes much bigger, of a culture. For example, this company I saw went to an offsite. And when we got there, there was some tension on the team. Things were not going well. We played a card game, and we just told stories, and suddenly people started to actually listen to each other differently. These people that you didn't really trust at all, or the people that you said, 'What the hell am I doing with you?' softened. Did it transform on the spot? No. I think people have to be a little realistic. But it took the bite; it took the rigidity, the kind of confirmation bias that exists once people don't like each other, and said, 'Hey, open yourself up to other possibilities.' You control your curiosity. You control the quality of your listening. The quality of your listening shapes the type of speaking that is going to come back. This story was originally featured on
The Guardian
31-03-2025
- General
- The Guardian
Love, actually: How intimacy survives marriage and motherhood
The first thing a friend did when I told her the title of my book was laugh. 'The Sex Lives of Married Women?' She asked. 'You mean The No Sex Lives of Married Women.' I laughed too. She wasn't wrong – married people aren't exactly known for their thriving sex lives. And I suspect the only couples reliably having sex must be the ones who have scheduled it into their Google calendars, probably in a shared folder alongside 'Bunnings trip' and 'remortgage review'. I'm not that interested in how much sex people are or aren't having in long-term relationships, but rather in how intimacy evolves over time and desire shifts after 10, 15, 20 years with the same person. How does it compete with exhaustion, children, finances and the never-ending pile of laundry? We've all read stories about the electric beginnings of love: the butterflies, the charged glances, the can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other urgency. But what happens after the 'happily ever after'? When the thrill of new love gives way to the hum of daily life, when the only sparks are from an overloaded power board, and the closest thing to foreplay is someone finally emptying the dishwasher? Love changes. We all learn that sooner or later. I first encountered this concept in a university psychology course, where I studied the stages of love. Teenage me was drawn to the initial, obsessive stage – the kind of love that keeps you up at night and rewires your brain. The final stage, companionate love, sounded tragic. I pictured two frail people in rocking chairs, silently waiting for the end. I didn't imagine thirty- and fortysomethings who still have decades ahead of them, their passion dulled not by time, but by school drop-offs, work emails and the soul-crushing weight of the news cycle. Because the truth is, love doesn't just change – it adapts, it stretches, it bends under the pressure of competing priorities. And nowhere is this more apparent than in motherhood. Pregnancy alters your body, postpartum leaves its own marks – leaking breasts, stretched skin, a whole new relationship with exhaustion. Your identity shifts. You're no longer just a person, or a partner; you're a mother, and that identity can eclipse everything for a while. Meanwhile, you're supposed to maintain a career, follow your dreams, drink enough water, get your steps in, and what do you mean you want to have sex, it's after 10pm. Maybe we're expecting too much of ourselves. Perhaps we were never meant to juggle the sheer number of responsibilities that modern life demands. And yet we do, especially women, who are still sold the myth of having it all – a promise that sounds empowering but, in reality, sets us up for exhaustion and disappointment. Why don't we call it out for what it is: a scam. A lie that women fall for, generation after generation. As sex therapist Esther Perel wrote in her book, Mating in Captivity: 'Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic and emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?' We can't be everything to everyone. Expecting one relationship to meet every emotional, practical and romantic need is an impossible standard. And yet, we keep trying. So are we all doomed to a lifetime of scheduling sex between school runs and home loan repayments? Not necessarily. Maybe the key isn't chasing some impossible ideal of passion that never fades, but learning to appreciate love in all its evolving forms. Maybe it's about finding intimacy in the everyday – a shared joke over the washing up, a text that says I'm thinking of you, for no reason at all, the quiet comfort of knowing someone still chooses you, even when you're at your worst and both running on caffeine and three hours' sleep. Passion doesn't just have to be stolen weekends away or grand gestures. It's also remembering to pick up their favourite chocolate from the shop on your way home. It's choosing, in a thousand small ways, to turn towards each other rather than away. And maybe it's about shifting our expectations. So maybe turn off Netflix, ignore the news and rediscover each other – at least for a few minutes before one of you inevitably falls asleep. As for the sex lives (or lack thereof) of married women? Let's just say, it's complicated. Saman Shad is a journalist and novelist. Her debut novel The Matchmaker was released by Penguin Australia in 2023. Her latest novel, The Sex Lives of Married Women, is out on 1 April (Penguin Australia)
