Latest news with #MelissaFebos
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
America's Best Small Arts & Culture Town Is In Tennessee–and It's Got a Legendary Summer Music Festival and Writers' Conference
A community with a reputation for supporting the arts, Sewanee, Tennessee, is more than a college town; it's a destination that launches careers, hones crafts, and inspires intellectuals of all pursuits. Even with the majority of the University of the South's undergraduate population gone for the summer, there's a creative energy humming in the town of Sewanee. I visited in July, during the second week of the annual Sewanee Writers' Conference, and went to hear author Melissa Febos give a talk on non-fiction. A small crowd filled the university's Guerry Auditorium, eager to hear her advice on writing, research, and cultivating creativity. Creatives of all kinds have ties to Sewanee, a small town on Tennessee's Cumberland Plateau (Sewanee is commonly used to refer to both the town and the university.) Some of the 20th century's most notable authors, including T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor, appeared in the pages of The Sewanee Review, America's oldest continuously published literary quarterly. Today, it's still a bastion of American literature, where writers like Lauren Groff and Sigrid Nunez publish stories and essays. Others have led workshops or done public readings during the Sewanee Writers' Conference, a program partially funded by the Tennessee Williams estate, which the famed playwright left to the university. Musicians are also drawn here; the historic Sewanee Summer Music Festival, a month-long training intensive, stages concerts each summer, and the University Choir performs every Sunday at All Saints' Chapel during the academic year. Here's everything you need to know to plan a trip to Sewanee, including what to do, where to stay, and when to go. Sewanee, Tennessee Stay at The Sewanee Inn, an elegant 43-key property within walking distance of the central campus of the University of the South. Embrace Sewanee's scholarly atmosphere by picking up the latest edition of The Sewanee Review, educating yourself on local Black history, or attending a performance by the University Choir. Reserve a table at chef Julia Sullivan's latest restaurant, Judith. Align your trip in July with two of Sewanee's annual celebrations of the arts: the Sewanee Summer Music Festival or Sewanee Summer Music Festival. Or plan your visit over the fall, when the humidity has subsided and the foliage begins to change. Why Sewanee Is the Best Arts & Culture Town in the U.S. for 2025 When I visited Sewanee to hear Melissa Febos speak, she offered a powerful message about the importance of artistic self-expression and exploration. Acknowledging how writing, and creativity in general, can seem futile in this current climate, she reassured the audience: 'Our work is how we make sense of the world and situate ourselves inside of it,' she said. 'It's how we're able to live, to connect, to grow, and to help others.' Sewanee is a place that supports art in all its forms—books, poetry, music, architecture, dance, theater—and invites visitors to engage in the arts, often free of charge. 'Sewanee looks like a sleepy college town lost in the woods, but there is something happening here just about every day and throughout the year,' says Woody Register, professor of history and director of the Roberson Project on Slavery, Race, and Reconciliation at the University of the South. The Sewanee Writers' Conference and Sewanee Summer Music Festival are marquee events each year, and while university life is central to Sewanee's culture, it's just one part of the narrative. 'Until the work of the Roberson Project began in 2017, local Black history was not publicly recognized or visibly honored at the University of the South,' says Register. 'Today, the Roberson Project works with the people of the historic Black St. Mark's neighborhood and others in the area who grew up there to preserve its memory and honor its residents' important contributions to the life of Sewanee, the town, and the university.' More on the project's work—including a heritage walking trail and key historic sites—below. Where to Stay The Sewanee Inn 'The Sewanee Inn is fantastic, with gorgeous bluff-side seating for cocktails, a lovely bar and restaurant, two fireside sitting rooms, and a view of the golf course, where you can grab a burger and a beer at Green's View Grill,' says Adam Ross, novelist and editor of The Sewanee Review. Terralodge Monteagle Treehouses If you're interested in going the glamping route, book one of the well-appointed Terralodge treehouses or domes. Recently opened in 2024, the 'treehouse resort' is located on 30 acres in nearby Monteagle, and each of the accommodations comes with a hot tub and a fire pit. Stayframe 'There are also a lot of Airbnbs and rentals. There's one in particular, Stayframe, that is well curated and beautiful,' says Julia Sullivan, chef and proprietor of Judith, one of the most exciting new additions to Sewanee's dining scene. The three-bedroom, two-bathroom space comes with a soaking tub, a gas fireplace, and full kitchen, and access to a private lake and waterfall. St. Mary's Sewanee 'For something completely different, visit St. Mary's Sewanee, a convent also known as the Ayres Center for Spiritual Development,' says Ross. 'The retreat center welcomes individuals and groups for overnight stays, and the Anna House enjoys especially cozy rooms. It's a great spot to stay in the wintertime.' Things to Do Learn about local Black history. 'The South Cumberland area of Tennessee has a rich Black history, and a good way to see its impact on the region is the Grundy County History Museum in nearby Tracy City,' says Register. He also notes that Grundy County was the epicenter of the development of convict leasing in the 1880s and 1890s and, in the 1950s, the area was central to the Civil Rights Movement as the home of the Highlander Folk School. Sewanee's Jessie Ball duPont Library currently has a small exhibit on Highlander Folk School, which was founded in 1932 with the goal to 'educate leadership for democracy and promote the general welfare of all people in the South.' Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr. were among those who, says Register, 'studied the tactics of nonviolent resistance' at the interracial institution. Visitors can also learn about the Roberson Project's important work by walking the St. Mark's Heritage Trail through Sewanee's historic Black neighborhood. 'From one end and back, it is about 1.75 miles long and shady all the way,' says Register, noting there's also a 'driving tour of the major historic sites in the St. Mark's neighborhood.' Places like the 'Negro Swimming Pool' and the site of Kennerly School, the only school for Black children on the mountain before desegregation, are noted with historical markers. Enjoy Sewanee's access to the outdoors. 'The legendary Perimeter Trail is an approximately 26-mile loop at varying degrees of difficulty through some of the most gorgeous rock formations you'll ever see,' says Ross. 'There are also remarkable views of the surrounding valley at Green's View, the Cross, and Morgan's Steep.' As far as other hikes, Sullivan recommends the 3-mile Lost Cove Trail, as well as Foster Falls and Fiery Gizzard. For a relatively short hike, Ross adds that the 1.2-mile winding paths' of Abbo's Alley shouldn't be missed. 'It was named after legendary professor Abbott Cotten Martin, who first cultivated the ravine. The rustic walk passes over bridges and streams. You might even catch a salamander or two in the summertime.' Explore the university's central campus. 'Any visit to Sewanee demands a stop at All Saints' Chapel, one of the most beautiful and grand places of worship in the Southeast,' says Ross. Its splendor is apparent all year round, but Sullivan is especially fond of the chapel during the Festival Service of Lessons and Carols, which she calls 'one of the most special experiences' she's had in Sewanee. With a copy of Under the Sun, a guidebook to Sewanee, in hand, continue past the chapel, admiring the 19th and 20th-century sandstone and limestone structures around campus; Breslin Tower, Convocation Hall, and St. Luke's Chapel are particularly notable. 'Visit the Ralston Listening Room—more formally known as the William Ralston Music Listening Library—on the second floor of the University's duPont library,' adds Ross. 'Here, with state-of-the-art equipment and unparalleled acoustics, you can enjoy any of its 20,000 LPS and 20,000 CDs.' Read, write, and appreciate art. Even if your undergraduate days are well behind you, there's no reason not to work on your manuscript or dive into the latest Pulitzer Prize-winning novel—all you have to do is find an unoccupied Adirondack chair or bench on campus. Or, simply admire the talent that manifests throughout Sewanee. 'There are presentations by artists, scholars, and writers throughout the academic year, and all University-sponsored events, such as public speakers and student theatrical performances, welcome visitors and usually without charge,' says Register. Where to Shop The Lemon Fair For gifts and local artisan items, like clothing and jewelry, Sullivan recommends The Lemon Fair. Stock up on tea towels, All Saints' Chapel Mugs, stickers, ornaments, and all sorts of unique Sewanee souvenirs, many of which are emblazoned with the Sewanee Angel. University Bookstore 'Be sure to also stop at the campus's local bookstore, whose shelves feature local authors,' says Ross. Swing by to pick up the latest edition of The Sewanee Review, or novels written by faculty; you may recognize the works of New York Times best-selling author Kevin Wilson, who currently serves as an associate professor in the English & Creative Writing Department. Mooney's Market & Emporium A short drive from Sewanee, Mooney's Market & Emporium comes recommended by both Sullivan and Ross. 'It has everything from organic foods and farm fresh eggs to antiques and knitting supplies,' says Ross. Spread across several small rooms, the shoppable collection is more than worth a quick browse before you leave town; you'll likely leave with an art print, small piece of pottery, or T-shirt to commemorate your time on the Cumberland Plateau. Where to Eat and Drink LUNCH 'LUNCH, on University Avenue in Sewanee's 'Village,' is a must for breakfast and, of course, lunch,' says Register. Although the food menu rotates, you can expect fresh, filling items, such as a daily quiche, a country ham sandwich, and marinated shrimp skewers paired with orzo and summer squash. Judith Judith, the recently opened restaurant by the great Nashville chef Julia Sullivan, can't be missed. 'Grab a tahini Caesar salad, a smashburger, and a glass of wine at the bar, and you'll see why Sewanee is fast becoming a foodie destination,' says Ross. The restaurant's name is a nod to Judith Ward Lineback, who in 1969, became the first woman to matriculate at the University of the South. Stirling's Coffee House Warm, welcoming, and brimming with plenty of tables and chairs for writing, reading, or catching up with a friend, Stirling's Coffee House is a Sewanee staple. 'It's a really sweet place to walk to in the morning and get coffee and pastries,' says Sullivan. Their speciality iced Sewanee Morning—coffee with mint and Swiss chocolate flavoring, topped with half and half—is much appreciated on a hot summer day. Shenanigans 'For the classic college bar-restaurant experience, grab a pitcher of draft beer and some fried fare at Shenanigans,' says Ross. The institution dates back to 1974, and the sizable subs, hearty burgers, and homemade pizzas are the perfect way to celebrate the end of a long hike along the Perimeter Trail. The Best Times to Visit 'Fall is unquestionably the best because of the foliage and the remarkable views,' says Ross. The colorful show is put on by the broadleaf deciduous trees, mainly oaks and hickories, that dot the Domain. Sullivan agrees that autumn is one of the finer times in Sewanee, but she also has a penchant for the warmer months. 'I think spring and early summer are really special. Every week, a different flower is blooming. It's been really beautiful to see this gradual change, and everything is just incredibly lush,' she says. Sewanee's summer wildflowers include harbinger-of-spring, bloodroot, great white trillium, pink lady's slippers, and mountain laurel. 'February is to be avoided—you'll deal with either soupy fog or ice and snow,' warns Ross, who also says it's critical to 'check the University calendar so as not to conflict with student arrivals or graduation' in May and August. How to Get There Sewanee covers 13,000 acres across the Cumberland Plateau—hence the phrase, 'on the mountain,' which students, alumni, and locals alike affectionately use to refer to life here. Travelers flying into the area can choose between Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport (CHA) or Nashville International Airport (BNA) before driving the final hour or 1.5 hours to Sewanee. While much of Sewanee is walkable, having a car is helpful to reach trailheads and nearby towns, and it allows you the freedom to embark on scenic drives throughout the area. If you'd prefer to get around on two wheels, Woody's Bicycles has regular bikes and e-bikes available to rent. Read the original article on Travel & Leisure Solve the daily Crossword
%3Amax_bytes(150000)%3Astrip_icc()%2FTAL-header-campus-sewanee-tennessee-lead-SEWANEETNABST25-d3ba7076c05a406dae04a25bf5345dee.jpg&w=3840&q=100)
Travel + Leisure
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Travel + Leisure
America's Best Small Arts & Culture Town Is In Tennessee–and It's Got a Legendary Summer Music Festival and Writers' Conference
Even with the majority of the University of the South's undergraduate population gone for the summer, there's a creative energy humming in the town of Sewanee. I visited in July, during the second week of the annual Sewanee Writers' Conference, and went to hear author Melissa Febos give a talk on non-fiction. A small crowd filled the university's Guerry Auditorium, eager to hear her advice on writing, research, and cultivating creativity. Creatives of all kinds have ties to Sewanee, a small town on Tennessee's Cumberland Plateau (Sewanee is commonly used to refer to both the town and the university.) Some of the 20th century's most notable authors, including T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor, appeared in the pages of The Sewanee Review , America's oldest continuously published literary quarterly. Today, it's still a bastion of American literature, where writers like Lauren Groff and Sigrid Nunez publish stories and essays. Others have led workshops or done public readings during the Sewanee Writers' Conference, a program partially funded by the Tennessee Williams estate, which the famed playwright left to the university. Musicians are also drawn here; the historic Sewanee Summer Music Festival, a month-long training intensive, stages concerts each summer, and the University Choir performs every Sunday at All Saints' Chapel during the academic year. Here's everything you need to know to plan a trip to Sewanee, including what to do, where to stay, and when to go. Stay at The Sewanee Inn, an elegant 43-key property within walking distance of the central campus of the University of the South. Embrace Sewanee's scholarly atmosphere by picking up the latest edition of The Sewanee Review , educating yourself on local Black history, or attending a performance by the University Choir. , educating yourself on local Black history, or attending a performance by the University Choir. Reserve a table at chef Julia Sullivan's latest restaurant, Judith. Align your trip in July with two of Sewanee's annual celebrations of the arts: the Sewanee Summer Music Festival or Sewanee Summer Music Festival. Or plan your visit over the fall, when the humidity has subsided and the foliage begins to change. When I visited Sewanee to hear Melissa Febos speak, she offered a powerful message about the importance of artistic self-expression and exploration. Acknowledging how writing, and creativity in general, can seem futile in this current climate, she reassured the audience: 'Our work is how we make sense of the world and situate ourselves inside of it,' she said. 'It's how we're able to live, to connect, to grow, and to help others.' Sewanee is a place that supports art in all its forms—books, poetry, music, architecture, dance, theater—and invites visitors to engage in the arts, often free of charge. 'Sewanee looks like a sleepy college town lost in the woods, but there is something happening here just about every day and throughout the year,' says Woody Register, professor of history and director of the Roberson Project on Slavery, Race, and Reconciliation at the University of the South. The Sewanee Writers' Conference and Sewanee Summer Music Festival are marquee events each year, and while university life is central to Sewanee's culture, it's just one part of the narrative. 'Until the work of the Roberson Project began in 2017, local Black history was not publicly recognized or visibly honored at the University of the South,' says Register. 'Today, the Roberson Project works with the people of the historic Black St. Mark's neighborhood and others in the area who grew up there to preserve its memory and honor its residents' important contributions to the life of Sewanee, the town, and the university.' More on the project's work—including a heritage walking trail and key historic sites—below. Aerial view of The Sewanee Inn with surrounding grounds and golf course. 'The Sewanee Inn is fantastic, with gorgeous bluff-side seating for cocktails, a lovely bar and restaurant, two fireside sitting rooms, and a view of the golf course, where you can grab a burger and a beer at Green's View Grill,' says Adam Ross, novelist and editor of The Sewanee Review . If you're interested in going the glamping route, book one of the well-appointed Terralodge treehouses or domes. Recently opened in 2024, the 'treehouse resort' is located on 30 acres in nearby Monteagle, and each of the accommodations comes with a hot tub and a fire pit. 'There are also a lot of Airbnbs and rentals. There's one in particular, Stayframe, that is well curated and beautiful,' says Julia Sullivan, chef and proprietor of Judith, one of the most exciting new additions to Sewanee's dining scene. The three-bedroom, two-bathroom space comes with a soaking tub, a gas fireplace, and full kitchen, and access to a private lake and waterfall. 'For something completely different, visit St. Mary's Sewanee, a convent also known as the Ayres Center for Spiritual Development,' says Ross. 'The retreat center welcomes individuals and groups for overnight stays, and the Anna House enjoys especially cozy rooms. It's a great spot to stay in the wintertime.' The "Willie Six" Sims Field on the Sewanee Black History Heritage Trail. Lydia Mansel/Travel + Leisure 'The South Cumberland area of Tennessee has a rich Black history, and a good way to see its impact on the region is the Grundy County History Museum in nearby Tracy City,' says Register. He also notes that Grundy County was the epicenter of the development of convict leasing in the 1880s and 1890s and, in the 1950s, the area was central to the Civil Rights Movement as the home of the Highlander Folk School. Sewanee's Jessie Ball duPont Library currently has a small exhibit on Highlander Folk School, which was founded in 1932 with the goal to 'educate leadership for democracy and promote the general welfare of all people in the South.' Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr. were among those who, says Register, 'studied the tactics of nonviolent resistance' at the interracial institution. Visitors can also learn about the Roberson Project's important work by walking the St. Mark's Heritage Trail through Sewanee's historic Black neighborhood. 'From one end and back, it is about 1.75 miles long and shady all the way,' says Register, noting there's also a 'driving tour of the major historic sites in the St. Mark's neighborhood.' Places like the 'Negro Swimming Pool' and the site of Kennerly School, the only school for Black children on the mountain before desegregation, are noted with historical markers. 'The legendary Perimeter Trail is an approximately 26-mile loop at varying degrees of difficulty through some of the most gorgeous rock formations you'll ever see,' says Ross. 'There are also remarkable views of the surrounding valley at Green's View, the Cross, and Morgan's Steep.' As far as other hikes, Sullivan recommends the 3-mile Lost Cove Trail, as well as Foster Falls and Fiery Gizzard. For a relatively short hike, Ross adds that the 1.2-mile winding paths' of Abbo's Alley shouldn't be missed. 'It was named after legendary professor Abbott Cotten Martin, who first cultivated the ravine. The rustic walk passes over bridges and streams. You might even catch a salamander or two in the summertime.' The All Saints' Chapel at the University of the South. Lydia Mansel/Travel + Leisure 'Any visit to Sewanee demands a stop at All Saints' Chapel, one of the most beautiful and grand places of worship in the Southeast,' says Ross. Its splendor is apparent all year round, but Sullivan is especially fond of the chapel during the Festival Service of Lessons and Carols, which she calls 'one of the most special experiences' she's had in Sewanee. With a copy of Under the Sun , a guidebook to Sewanee, in hand, continue past the chapel, admiring the 19th and 20th-century sandstone and limestone structures around campus; Breslin Tower, Convocation Hall, and St. Luke's Chapel are particularly notable. 'Visit the Ralston Listening Room—more formally known as the William Ralston Music Listening Library—on the second floor of the University's duPont library,' adds Ross. 'Here, with state-of-the-art equipment and unparalleled acoustics, you can enjoy any of its 20,000 LPS and 20,000 CDs.' Even if your undergraduate days are well behind you, there's no reason not to work on your manuscript or dive into the latest Pulitzer Prize-winning novel—all you have to do is find an unoccupied Adirondack chair or bench on campus. Or, simply admire the talent that manifests throughout Sewanee. 'There are presentations by artists, scholars, and writers throughout the academic year, and all University-sponsored events, such as public speakers and student theatrical performances, welcome visitors and usually without charge,' says Register. Shop local artisan's at The Lemon Fair. Lydia Mansel/Travel + Leisure For gifts and local artisan items, like clothing and jewelry, Sullivan recommends The Lemon Fair. Stock up on tea towels, All Saints' Chapel Mugs, stickers, ornaments, and all sorts of unique Sewanee souvenirs, many of which are emblazoned with the Sewanee Angel. 'Be sure to also stop at the campus's local bookstore, whose shelves feature local authors,' says Ross. Swing by to pick up the latest edition of The Sewanee Review , or novels written by faculty; you may recognize the works of New York Times best-selling author Kevin Wilson, who currently serves as an associate professor in the English & Creative Writing Department. A short drive from Sewanee, Mooney's Market & Emporium comes recommended by both Sullivan and Ross. 'It has everything from organic foods and farm fresh eggs to antiques and knitting supplies,' says Ross. Spread across several small rooms, the shoppable collection is more than worth a quick browse before you leave town; you'll likely leave with an art print, small piece of pottery, or T-shirt to commemorate your time on the Cumberland Plateau. Exterior view of Lunch in Sewanee's 'Village.'. Lydia Mansel/Travel + Leisure 'LUNCH, on University Avenue in Sewanee's 'Village,' is a must for breakfast and, of course, lunch,' says Register. Although the food menu rotates, you can expect fresh, filling items, such as a daily quiche, a country ham sandwich, and marinated shrimp skewers paired with orzo and summer squash. The dining room at Judith Tavern. Emily Dorio/Judith Tavern Judith, the recently opened restaurant by the great Nashville chef Julia Sullivan, can't be missed. 'Grab a tahini Caesar salad, a smashburger, and a glass of wine at the bar, and you'll see why Sewanee is fast becoming a foodie destination,' says Ross. The restaurant's name is a nod to Judith Ward Lineback, who in 1969, became the first woman to matriculate at the University of the South. The exterior of the Sewanee staple Stirling's Coffee House. Buck Butler/University of the South Warm, welcoming, and brimming with plenty of tables and chairs for writing, reading, or catching up with a friend, Stirling's Coffee House is a Sewanee staple. 'It's a really sweet place to walk to in the morning and get coffee and pastries,' says Sullivan. Their speciality iced Sewanee Morning—coffee with mint and Swiss chocolate flavoring, topped with half and half—is much appreciated on a hot summer day. Pizza's and popcorn from Shenanigans bar-restaurant. Matt Morrison/Tennessee's South Cumberland Tourism Partnership ( 'For the classic college bar-restaurant experience, grab a pitcher of draft beer and some fried fare at Shenanigans,' says Ross. The institution dates back to 1974, and the sizable subs, hearty burgers, and homemade pizzas are the perfect way to celebrate the end of a long hike along the Perimeter Trail. Autumn leaves on the grounds of the All Saints' Chapel. Matt Morrison/Tennessee's South Cumberland Tourism Partnership ( 'Fall is unquestionably the best because of the foliage and the remarkable views,' says Ross. The colorful show is put on by the broadleaf deciduous trees, mainly oaks and hickories, that dot the Domain. Sullivan agrees that autumn is one of the finer times in Sewanee, but she also has a penchant for the warmer months. 'I think spring and early summer are really special. Every week, a different flower is blooming. It's been really beautiful to see this gradual change, and everything is just incredibly lush,' she says. Sewanee's summer wildflowers include harbinger-of-spring, bloodroot, great white trillium, pink lady's slippers, and mountain laurel. 'February is to be avoided—you'll deal with either soupy fog or ice and snow,' warns Ross, who also says it's critical to 'check the University calendar so as not to conflict with student arrivals or graduation' in May and August. Bike's lined up outside of Woody's Bicycles. Matt Morrison/Tennessee's South Cumberland Tourism Partnership ( Sewanee covers 13,000 acres across the Cumberland Plateau—hence the phrase, 'on the mountain,' which students, alumni, and locals alike affectionately use to refer to life here. Travelers flying into the area can choose between Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport (CHA) or Nashville International Airport (BNA) before driving the final hour or 1.5 hours to Sewanee. While much of Sewanee is walkable, having a car is helpful to reach trailheads and nearby towns, and it allows you the freedom to embark on scenic drives throughout the area. If you'd prefer to get around on two wheels, Woody's Bicycles has regular bikes and e-bikes available to rent.
Daily Mirror
16-06-2025
- General
- Daily Mirror
I cried every day before giving up sex and the result was life-changing'
After a string of failed relationships, Melissa Febos took a vow of abstinence to understand why she jumped from one romance to the next, with unexpected results… When serial monogamist Melissa Febos was pushed to breaking point by a toxic relationship, she took drastic action - she pledged to boycott sex and all romantic entanglements for 90 days. Yet once that time passed, Melissa, an English professor at the University of Iowa in the US, felt so energised and refreshed by stepping back from the merry-go-round of romance that she decided to keep on going. In the end, she enjoyed an entire year of abstinence, an experience that transformed her life and is the subject of her new book, The Dry Season. 'At the end of the three months, it was clear to me that I had barely begun,' she says. 'My whole relationship to love and sex needed an overhaul if I wanted to change the pattern I was mired in. 'From adolescence until my early 30s, I was in non-stop relationships and very preoccupied with infatuation and flirtation and seduction. I definitely enjoyed myself. I fell in love many times and it was thrilling and quite wonderful.' But as soon as each relationship began to feel secure, Melissa's interest would start to wane. 'I never had a relationship that lasted longer than three years and most of them were shorter. I was always falling in love and breaking up. Those are exhausting pastimes.' Friends and family suggested she might benefit from spending some time on her own. As a former heroin addict, Melissa sometimes feared she had swapped one addiction for another – love addiction. But then someone new would catch her eye and the cycle would begin again. Then she fell into a 'super addictive, toxic, destructive relationship… I abandoned everything else I cared about, I lost touch with friends, I cried every day. It was obsessive and unhealthy. I neglected my writing and my health and my family, and I had friends who broke up with me because I was quite out of my mind'. The relationship ended after two tumultuous years but it served as a wake-up call. 'It was time for me to take a hiatus and reflect on what I've been doing all this time… I couldn't go through that again. It was so painful.' During her 2016 experiment, she appreciated having far more free time and mental space. 'When people consider abstinence or celibacy, they think of it as a kind of deprivation,' she says. 'I didn't feel deprived of anything. I mean, it was really fun when I got to have sex with another person again. But I never felt deprived. 'From the very beginning, I felt like I had more time and more energy. Almost all of my other relationships started to really flourish. My life just felt bigger.' She also noticed how romance-obsessed Western culture is. 'One of the first things I saw during my celibacy was how much everyone talked about love and sex and dating constantly. Watching TV shows, I thought, 'I can't believe how immature our fantasy of love is'. It's all about that very early period where we're feverishly obsessed with someone we don't even know yet. That is what we're calling love. It felt like I really woke up from a kind of collective derangement.' During her 'dry season', Melissa did have the occasional frisson with a stranger but she was never seriously tempted to start a new relationship because she was so determined to break her old habits. She also began to understand why she kept jumping from one relationship to the next and had the realisation that that she was a people-pleaser. 'When I'm around other people, I feel the focus needs to be on them and I need to perform in a certain way. And that was what I needed a break from,' she says. 'It's the instinctive urge to meet another person's wants, desires, expectations, whether it's what I want to do or not, feeling almost as if I don't have a choice – I think that's completely learned, it goes back centuries.' She attributes it to the days when a woman's value was entirely based on her marriageability. 'Your life literally depended upon your appeal to men. There's still a lot of messaging that the power to sexually attract is your greatest power. It had really got into my head that I should cultivate it, that that's where I should be getting my self esteem from. It really did a number on me. 'So I lost myself again and again. It was not an authentic life. That life was not worth living.' Melissa reached a point where she couldn't imagine ever being in another relationship. 'I did not want to compromise what I'd found in being alone,' she says. Then, right at the end of her year of abstinence, she met the poet Donika Kelly. The attraction was immediate. 'But what was different was that as soon as I felt that, I thought, 'OK, I need to stay inside myself, I need to hold on to myself'.' They agreed to take it slowly and, for 18 months, they had a long-distance relationship. Melissa also took a gamble on complete honesty, telling Donika, ''I've just had this transformative experience… My romantic relationship will not always be the most important thing in my life'. The honesty was unlike the beginning of any relationship I'd ever had before. And she said, 'Yes, that sounds good to me'. The gamble paid off. 'I am happily married now, I've been married for four years and with my wife for going on nine,' says Melissa. 'It is very clear to me that spending that year alone with myself, and understanding how complete I was without another person, is the very thing that made it possible for me to sustain a long-term relationship. 'But my marriage wouldn't last if I put my partner first all of the time. We have to put ourselves first a lot of the time so that when we show up for each other, we can do so in the spirit of true generosity and love. But it's scary because it goes against the grain of what society tells us.' She thinks all of us can benefit from a romantic rethink, to make sure we're not putting our partners' needs ahead of our own. 'Everyone could really do with a redefinition of what connection and love are. I think this is where people get trapped in a cycle of 'I can't find the right person'. Because there's a misunderstanding about the nature of a long-term relationship, which takes a lot of energy and a lot of work. It's not just something you feed off. Being alone is much easier. 'We've all seen all the movies where finding the person is the end of the story. But anyone who's been married a long time knows it's the beginning.' The Dry Season: Finding Pleasure In A Year Without Sex by Melissa Febos (Canongate), £16.99, is out now
Yahoo
13-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
The Benefits of Refusing
The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here. This is an edition of the Books Briefing, our editors' weekly guide to the best in books. Sign up for it here. In the U.K., when people stop smoking, they say they 'gave it up,' Melissa Febos notes in her new book, The Dry Season. In the U.S., by contrast, it's more common to hear that they 'quit.' She observes that giving something up has a different connotation; to do so is 'to hand it over to some other, better keeper. To free one's hands for other holdings.' The phrasing matters: Giving up feels gentler, and also perhaps more generative. First, here are four new stories from The Atlantic's books section: Fast times and mean girls The real message behind Les Misérables How one animal divided Europe Seven books for people figuring out their next move The Dry Season is a memoir about the year Febos spent voluntarily celibate, and this week, she wrote for The Atlantic about six books that celebrate refusal and abstinence. The titles she chose opened her eyes to 'all the other kinds of reneging I've experienced, and how many of them led to unforeseen delights,' she writes. In her own book, Febos uses a striking metaphor to explain why she took a break from sex, dating, and even flirtation. Whenever she had a partner, she writes, 'it made sense to keep the channel of one's heart narrowed the width of a single person, to peer through the keyhole at a single room rather than turn to face the world.' Febos realized that she wanted, instead, to widen her aperture, and found that removing something from her life opened her up to all the other things that had escaped her notice. In essence, her book argues, saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to something else. At a talk with the essayist and fellow memoirist Leslie Jamison earlier this week in New York, Febos said that her book is really about finding God, but she told the world that it was about sex because, she joked, it made for better marketing. Her description of discovering the sublime in daily things—such as the 'tang of fresh raspberries and the crispness of clean bedsheets,' as she writes in her recommendation list—moved me. It reminded me that spirituality can be less restrictive and more dynamic than I usually imagine it to be; that it can be found in smaller phenomena and stiller moments. My colleague Faith Hill, in her review of The Dry Season, came to much the same conclusion about the benefits of marshaling one's attention: 'Better to keep drawing it back, again and again, to the world around you: to the pinch in your shoe, to the buds in the trees, to the people—all the many, many people—who are right there beside you.' Febos's book made me wonder what narrow portals I'm looking through in my life, and what I might see if I turn away from them. What to Read When You're Ready to Say No By Melissa Febos Purposeful refusal, far from depriving us, can make way for unexpected bounty. Read the full article. , by Bae Suah The page-turning plot twists and thrills of a detective novel are often a very effective bulwark against boredom. The Korean writer Bae's novel offers those genre pleasures and more: It is, as Bae's longtime translator Deborah Smith explains in her note, a detective novel by way of a 'poetic fever dream.' Set over the course of one very hot summer night in Seoul, the book follows a woman named Ayami as she attempts to find a missing friend. As she searches, she bumps into Wolfi, a detective novelist visiting from Germany, and enlists him in her quest. Events take on a surreal quality, heightened by both an intense heat wave and the possibility that Ayami and Wolfi may have stumbled into another dimension. Summer's release from our usual timetables can quickly lead to seasonal doldrums. Untold Night and Day, set during the stretched hours of a sweaty, unceasing evening, shimmers at its edges, like midnight in July. — Rhian Sasseen From our list: Five books that will redirect your attention 📚 UnWorld, by Jayson Greene 📚 The Möbius Book, by Catherine Lacey 📚 The Sisters, by Jonas Hassen Khemiri What Trump Missed at the Kennedy Center By Megan Garber Little wonder that 'Do You Hear the People Sing?' [from Les Misérables] has become a protest song the world over, its words invoked as pleas for freedom. Crowds in Hong Kong, fighting for democracy, have sung it. So have crowds in the United States, fighting for the rights of unions. The story's tensions are the core tensions of politics too: the rights of the individual, colliding with the needs of the collective; the possibilities, and tragedies, that can come when human dignity is systematized. Les Mis, as a story, is pointedly specific—one country, one rebellion, one meaning of freedom. But Les Mis, as a broader phenomenon, is elastic. It is not one story but many, the product of endless interpretation and reiteration. With the novel, Hugo turned acts of history into a work of fiction. The musical turned the fiction into a show. And American politics, now, have turned the show into a piece of fan fic. Read the full article. When you buy a book using a link in this newsletter, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic. Sign up for The Wonder Reader, a Saturday newsletter in which our editors recommend stories to spark your curiosity and fill you with delight. Explore all of our newsletters. Article originally published at The Atlantic
Atlantic
13-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Atlantic
The Benefits of Refusing
This is an edition of the Books Briefing, our editors' weekly guide to the best in books. Sign up for it here. In the U.K., when people stop smoking, they say they 'gave it up,' Melissa Febos notes in her new book, The Dry Season. In the U.S., by contrast, it's more common to hear that they 'quit.' She observes that giving something up has a different connotation; to do so is 'to hand it over to some other, better keeper. To free one's hands for other holdings.' The phrasing matters: Giving up feels gentler, and also perhaps more generative. First, here are four new stories from The Atlantic 's books section: The Dry Season is a memoir about the year Febos spent voluntarily celibate, and this week, she wrote for The Atlantic about six books that celebrate refusal and abstinence. The titles she chose opened her eyes to 'all the other kinds of reneging I've experienced, and how many of them led to unforeseen delights,' she writes. In her own book, Febos uses a striking metaphor to explain why she took a break from sex, dating, and even flirtation. Whenever she had a partner, she writes, 'it made sense to keep the channel of one's heart narrowed the width of a single person, to peer through the keyhole at a single room rather than turn to face the world.' Febos realized that she wanted, instead, to widen her aperture, and found that removing something from her life opened her up to all the other things that had escaped her notice. In essence, her book argues, saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to something else. At a talk with the essayist and fellow memoirist Leslie Jamison earlier this week in New York, Febos said that her book is really about finding God, but she told the world that it was about sex because, she joked, it made for better marketing. Her description of discovering the sublime in daily things—such as the 'tang of fresh raspberries and the crispness of clean bedsheets,' as she writes in her recommendation list—moved me. It reminded me that spirituality can be less restrictive and more dynamic than I usually imagine it to be; that it can be found in smaller phenomena and stiller moments. My colleague Faith Hill, in her review of The Dry Season, came to much the same conclusion about the benefits of marshaling one's attention: 'Better to keep drawing it back, again and again, to the world around you: to the pinch in your shoe, to the buds in the trees, to the people—all the many, many people—who are right there beside you.' Febos's book made me wonder what narrow portals I'm looking through in my life, and what I might see if I turn away from them. By Melissa Febos Purposeful refusal, far from depriving us, can make way for unexpected bounty. What to Read Untold Night and Day, by Bae Suah The page-turning plot twists and thrills of a detective novel are often a very effective bulwark against boredom. The Korean writer Bae's novel offers those genre pleasures and more: It is, as Bae's longtime translator Deborah Smith explains in her note, a detective novel by way of a 'poetic fever dream.' Set over the course of one very hot summer night in Seoul, the book follows a woman named Ayami as she attempts to find a missing friend. As she searches, she bumps into Wolfi, a detective novelist visiting from Germany, and enlists him in her quest. Events take on a surreal quality, heightened by both an intense heat wave and the possibility that Ayami and Wolfi may have stumbled into another dimension. Summer's release from our usual timetables can quickly lead to seasonal doldrums. Untold Night and Day, set during the stretched hours of a sweaty, unceasing evening, shimmers at its edges, like midnight in July. — Rhian Sasseen Out Next Week 📚 UnWorld, by Jayson Greene 📚 The Möbius Book, by Catherine Lacey 📚 The Sisters, by Jonas Hassen Khemiri Your Weekend Read What Trump Missed at the Kennedy Center By Megan Garber Little wonder that 'Do You Hear the People Sing?' [from Les Misérables ] has become a protest song the world over, its words invoked as pleas for freedom. Crowds in Hong Kong, fighting for democracy, have sung it. So have crowds in the United States, fighting for the rights of unions. The story's tensions are the core tensions of politics too: the rights of the individual, colliding with the needs of the collective; the possibilities, and tragedies, that can come when human dignity is systematized. Les Mis, as a story, is pointedly specific—one country, one rebellion, one meaning of freedom. But Les Mis, as a broader phenomenon, is elastic. It is not one story but many, the product of endless interpretation and reiteration. With the novel, Hugo turned acts of history into a work of fiction. The musical turned the fiction into a show. And American politics, now, have turned the show into a piece of fan fic.
