17-07-2025
Her mom got sick, she moved in to help. Years later, they both feel trapped.
Connie Sabir lived independently before falling ill the day after Thanksgiving in 2022.
The next day, a Saturday, she went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with COVID-19 and pneumonia. She spent four days in the hospital and returned to her home in Holladay, Utah. Her daughter, Miriam Sabir, was her new roommate.
Miriam Sabir packed an overnight bag and expected to care for her 86-year-old mother for a couple of weeks, just to help her get back on track, she said.
'I thought it would be temporary,' Miriam Sabir, 65, said. 'But it has been, you know, 2 and a half years.'
The average life expectancy in the U.S. is 78 years old, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Many people who live that long or longer need care in some way, and often that responsibility falls on their adult children. The role reversal can be uncomfortable at best and traumatic at worst, guilt-ridden on both sides as parent and child grapple with a new reality that sometimes includes a move to assisted living. For Connie Sabir, COVID-19 accelerated the process.
A woman's retirement crisis: Between caregiving and gender wage gap, can they catch up?
Both mother and daughter are troubled by what Miriam Sabir's role as caregiver has meant for their relationship. Connie Sabir said she doesn't want to be a burden. Miriam Sabir said the last two years have been incredibly difficult, but she doesn't want her mother to feel like a burden.
Between them, these feelings have gone unspoken.
'It's been hard on her, really hard,' Connie Sabir told USA TODAY about her daughter. 'And I'm sorry. I feel really sad about it. And I know that she'd get really tired sometimes. And I wish I could have lifted her burden.'
Dr. Sanjay Shetty, President of CenterWell, a senior-focused health provider with clinics and home health services, said this is common among seniors and their family caregivers. But it's important to remember aging is a good thing, he said, even if American society doesn't tout that idea.
'We have to remove the stigma of aging,' Shetty said. 'I worry that we've created this idea of when you age, that you should just quietly deal with your own issues. We don't ask that of any other population.'
Seniors have health and wellness needs, Shetty said. But they also need social connection and joy. If the country can recast what it means to be a senior, he said, maybe individual families, too, can open up in conversations about aging and senior care so that everyone gets what they need and no one feels like a strain on their family.
Miriam Sabir was upstairs working from home in mid-February when her sister brought their mother home from a doctor's appointment. As their mother came inside and hung up her coat, she fell and broke her leg.
Doctors replaced her knee, but Connie Sabir hasn't regained the strength she needs to return home yet. Following her knee surgery, she's been in a care center and is on a wait list to move into an assisted living facility. Miriam Sabir visits her every Sunday morning so they can watch a church program together.
'Honestly, I feel like it's a big relief to have her being taken care of by other people,' Miriam Sabir said.
She knows her mother wants to come home eventually. But neither of them is sure what that might look like, especially since their house doesn't have a bathroom on the main floor and the bedrooms are upstairs. Would her mother use a commode? Would they set up a hospital bed in the dining room?
'That looks like end of life,' she said. 'And, you know, I don't think she's at that point.'
A mother's chronic fatigue, a daughter's elevated anxiety
Connie Sabir used a walker before she got COVID-19, and she needed help going on outings to the doctor's office, meeting friends for lunch and grocery shopping. But she lived alone and managed well by herself for years after she retired from teaching in 2001.
After her bout with COVID-19 and pneumonia, she suffered from chronic fatigue and brain fog, symptoms that lingered for more than a year.
'I wasn't able to cook anymore. Oh my gosh, I loved to cook. My favorite thing,' she said. 'I was so tired. I couldn't stand that long.'
For Miriam Sabir, caregiving stress manifested in her elevated anxiety.
She left her husband in 2020 and was living with her sister, Shireen Watanabe, before she moved in with their mother. They liked their routine. Watanabe said living together was "one of our happiest periods." When Miriam Sabir left to care for their mother, Watanabe noticed "it took a huge toll" on her sister.
'My sister has given up so much of her life. And it's a selfless act,' Watanabe, 54, said. 'I never overlook that.'
Miriam Sabir said it made the most sense for her to care for their mom, since she didn't have kids like her siblings who live nearby. But she works full time as a software engineer and has a small vintage clothing business on the side. It was a lot to juggle, she said, and she soon felt her mental health start to deteriorate. She found herself stress eating protein bars and desperately seeking out time to be alone. She felt like she didn't have a space of her own in her mother's house. The emotional whiplash of returning to live at the home she grew up in didn't help.
And she felt guilty that caring for her mother wasn't coming naturally.
"It just got to the point where I didn't know where to turn," she said.
She sought therapy in early 2025, for the sixth time in her life, to brush up on her coping skills for anxiety. Now when she's stressed, she turns on a guided meditation on YouTube. The slow breaths, in and out, help her to regulate her emotions.
Seeking a 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' for caregivers
Miriam Sabir said she's learned to give herself grace. Like many family caregivers thrust into a similar position, she's not a trained caregiver.
More: When her mom got sick, her world turned upside down. Award-winning actress shares her story
'When somebody's pregnant, there's a book called 'What to Expect When You're Expecting,'" she said. "I wish there was a handbook that would say, 'What to Expect When You're Taking Care of an Aging Parent.''
Leslie Vick, a family caregiver in Minnesota, thought the same thing when her 84-year-old mother took a fall in December 2023 and went from living independently to assisted living in a matter of days. So Vick wrote one herself.
"Finding Our Way: A Guide on Care, Finances and Helping Through the End of Life Journey" is a self-help guide for caregivers, Vick said. She is adamant that families should work proactively to prepare for the needs of aging loved ones. Having a folder or spreadsheet with their account passwords, doctor's phone numbers, insurance information and a list of monthly bills that need to be paid is a good start, she said.
When it comes time to decide whether to move a family member to a care facility or assisted living, "communication is really hard because there are feelings involved," Vick said. But honesty is key.
"Know that it's OK that you need help," she said.
A CenterWell survey of more than 4,200 U.S. adults published in June found 2 out of 3 Americans prefer independence over longevity without self-sufficiency as they age. For those over 65, that desire increased to 78%.
Having her daughter in her home caring for her was hard, Connie Sabir said. It was a reminder that she couldn't do the things she used to enjoy.
'I mean, hard for her because she needed her time, and it was hard for me because I wasn't independent anymore and that's very difficult for me," she said. 'I know she got sick of cooking all the time. I mean I'm sure she did, she never complained, but I'm sure she got tired of it.'
Living for a long time and living independently aren't mutually exclusive, Shetty said, though seniors might need to shift their idea of what independence looks like. That's where care teams and family caregivers can collaborate, allowing for as much independence as possible for a senior, whether they are at home or at a facility.
'It took me a long time to relax.'
Miriam Sabir said her mother calls her at least three times a day. Each call lasts anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes. She sees her every Sunday, and brings her clean laundry.
It took about two months after her mother left before she felt her anxiety lift.
"It took me a long time to relax," she said.
When her mom is in the assisted living facility she'll probably visit even more, since it will be a cozier, more inviting space. "It's hard to say" if her mother will ever return home, Miriam Sabir said. If she does, the family will need to hire a a paid caregiver.
"This is her home," she said. "And I think she'd be happiest here."
Meanwhile, Miriam Sabir is starting to think about her own aging experience.
"It kind of scares me, actually. Because I don't have kids," she said. "I guess it makes you more cognizant of planning."
This story is part of USA TODAY's The Cost of Care series highlighting caregivers from across the country.
Previous feature for The Cost of Care: His sick wife asked him to kill her. Now that she's gone, he says the loneliness is worse.
Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal Ventures and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Reach Madeline at memitchell@ and @maddiemitch_ on X.
