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SBS Australia
a day ago
- General
- SBS Australia
David is a 'tiger parent'. His daughter Kelly has taken a 'poodle' approach with her own kids
How are parents raising resilient kids in an age of constant judgement and conflicting advice? Insight hears from parents navigating generational differences, social pressures and childhood baggage. Watch Insight episode Modern Parenting on SBS On Demand . David: When my children were born, I was elated and determined to be the best father I could be within my financial and physical means. I read extensively on parenting methods and researched the Victorian education system to determine which schools aligned with my parenting style. My goal as a parent was to equip my children with the best tools available. For them to lead a life of resilience and balance. To lead an examined life. To contribute to society. I tried to instil in my children a love of learning, and to have wider horizons in life. I took them to libraries, museums, cultural events and exhibitions. I would leave books on various subjects around the house for them to explore and develop an inquiring mind. I applied the principle of 'healthy body, healthy mind' — organised swimming, tennis, soccer and basketball for my kids. They took music lessons for the piano, violin, cello; plus there were weekly library visits and school cultural events. 'A disciplined family life' I ran a disciplined family life. My children had a daily schedule. Breakfast, before-school sport training, school, after-school sports training, homework, dinner, music lessons and practices. It was full on. My family managed to accomplish these daily activities because we were disciplined, persistent and resilient. There is a saying, that the only fair and equal thing in this world is: nature gives every human 24 hours a day. It is how one manages those 24 hours that counts. I do not recall any overt rebellion to my disciplined and structured way of parenting. But there were days when the children were less enthusiastic than others. Kelly says that her parents raised her with a 'tiger' approach. Source: Supplied Looking back over the past five decades, I firmly believe my disciplined and structured way of parenting has been successful. My children have the essential tools to navigate their journeys. They contribute to society and lead balanced lives. So, I look back with satisfaction and contentment. I asked my son recently whether he recalled going to a cafe to have honey crumpets and milkshakes after swimming training. The response was a happy yes. I love watching my children and grandchildren play instruments together — enjoying family life to its fullest. 'Parenting is not 'fun'' As society is evolving, so is family life and parenting. I feel that the prevailing emphasis today on parenting is the individual "me" and "fun". If a child does not want to learn or do something as requested at school or at home, from where I sit, that seems like it is acceptable. Many parents seem afraid of upsetting and hurting their child's feelings and the child's feelings reign supreme. Parenting is about equipping the child with all the tools and the mindset needed to navigate the tough real world. Education is all about learning; it is not necessarily "fun". Parenting, like education, is not "fun". Kelly's daughters gardening with their grandfather David. Source: Supplied Kelly: Tiger parents are famously keen on ensuring their children succeed not only at school but in extracurricular activities — like sports and music. My parents could be classed as tiger-ish. While they did not resemble the archetype described by American lawyer and author Amy Chua — who popularised the term in the early 2010s — they had tendencies. Especially Dad. Dad was an accountant, so numbers were his thing. On a weekend, there was no way I was going to lounge around reading Dolly or Smash Hits magazines; there were fractions, long division and algebra to be done. I had a strict quota to complete — and an even longer list in the school holidays. Dad loved sport, particularly tennis. He'd often insist on volley practice in the backyard. When I was in a bad mood, which was often, I'd whack the balls over the fence and relish the 'plop' as they landed in the neighbour's pool. I was also shuttled off to piano lessons. My long-suffering teacher tolerated my half-hearted attempts to bash out a minuet. Eventually, he became fed up with me and recommended that my parents save their money and petrol by stopping lessons. Despite my parents' devotion, I wasn't a star tiger cub. I was average at maths, average at piano and my PE teacher noted that I "lacked athleticism" on my report card. All that extra maths added up to me loving English. I went on to study arts and wanted to be a writer. My parents looked on in horror as I studied subjects like 'Victorian Narratives: Origins and Oblivion' and wondered how I could cobble together a career. My brother took a more traditional and remunerative tiger cub route: he became a doctor. Taking on a 'poodle' parenting style Fast forward a few decades, and I'm a parent myself. My partner has dubbed us "poodle parents". More playful, affectionate and less aggressive than tiger parents. My partner and I talk to our kids much more about relationships and human behaviour than my parents did. We want to help them understand themselves and others — and have a strong sense of self. My approach is not a reaction against that of my parents. I'm grateful for the care and attention they gave me — using the methods they thought best. I'm sure they were influenced by their cultural background and the fact that they were immigrants. It's harder to guide your kids through a system when you haven't been through it yourself. I may not have become a mathematician who regularly plays Carnegie Hall between Grand Slam tennis tournaments, but hopefully I've turned out okay. My parents have often been the subject of many articles I have written. They're good sports about it too. When I suddenly appear at their place with a notepad and a list of questions, they know the drill. Every 'species' of parent wants the best for their kids. We just have different ways of getting there.
SBS Australia
3 days ago
- General
- SBS Australia
Love, warmth, 'gentle smacks'. Ben says his parenting method helps his children flourish
How are parents raising resilient kids in an age of constant judgement and conflicting advice? Insight hears from parents navigating generational differences, social pressures and childhood baggage. Watch Insight episode Modern Parenting Tuesday 19 August 8.30PM on SBS or live on SBS On Demand . Ben Smart, 32, says he has felt like an outlier since becoming a dad at 22. The evangelical pastor remembers attending an antenatal class and thinking: "Am I the only guy in this room that doesn't have any grey hair?" Ben and his wife had three children when they were in their early 20s — a decision he says was strongly influenced by their Christian faith. When it comes to his parenting approach, Ben says he aims for a balance between high love and high discipline. "A lot of affirmation and love and warmth, but also those firm boundaries that actually help them have guardrails — within which they can flourish," he told Insight. Ben and his wife with their three children. Source: Supplied Ben says he has smacked his children as a form of discipline, but "never in anger, and as part of a conversation". "When we say no, we actually are going to follow through on that..." he said. Corporal punishment is not legal within schools or educational settings within Australia; but remains legal in most states and territories if it is given by a parent but only if the force used is 'reasonable'. Ben says that in their family, a "gentle smack" is followed by a conversation, prayer, then reconciliation. "Our children can trust us when we say: 'you can do this', 'you can't do that'. They know what the consequence is," he said. "And so, within those frameworks, it gives them a lot of freedom and trust to be able to live." Ben also places strong emphasis on developing his kids' independence and believes building resilience starts from a young age. "I think it's certainly been increasingly widely recognised that we do live in an increasingly kind of helicopter parenting mode. And there's a lot of hyper attention on our children," he said. "Recognising actually our kids are capable of a lot more than we think they are ... We're trying to give them more and more freedom outside the home." Millennials are parenting differently Amy Molloy says that discipline can be a "minefield" and for her, is the most difficult aspect of parenting to navigate. She says millennial parents, like herself, were told not to smack or yell but weren't given clear alternatives. "It does feel a little bit like we had all our tools taken away, without giving a replacement," Amy told Insight. "No naughty corner, no taking things away from them if they've done something 'wrong'. But, what are we doing instead?" She feels this is what is missing from conversations surrounding more 'conscious' and 'gentle' models of parenting. Amy, who was raised in a strict Catholic household, also believes her generation is making the conscious decision to parent differently to how they were parented. For her, this involves taking an approach more aligned with 'gentle parenting', which prioritises connection, empathy and positive discipline. "My kids are wild. I always say they're like outdoor cats. They are not indoor cats ... [They] don't even sit at a table to eat dinner," she said. Rather than demanding obedience, Amy embraces a parenting style that encourages freedom and autonomy. "We don't ask [obedience] of them. It's not in my values. I love that they are self-expressive and really know themselves." Bribes and rewards Gen Muir is an obstetric social worker and parent educator who says that many millennial parents were raised with harsh styles of discipline. "Most of us were raised with the sticks — so threats, punishments, smacking, time outs," she said. "Many millennial parents are ... using bribes and distraction, and reward charts on the fridge, and sort of hoping for the best ... " Muir says: "When we go to the threats and the punishments, our kids' cortisol goes up and usually behaviour gets worse. It doesn't work, and it creates a disconnect with the bribes and the rewards. It can work, but not when our kids are dysregulated." Gen Muir is a parenting educator and has four kids of her own. Source: Supplied Muir is also the mother of four adolescent boys. While there are many different parenting techniques and approaches, one Muir finds helpful — in constructively setting boundaries — is the "empathy sandwich". "It's basically like: 'I really hear what you wish or want was going to happen right now, and I can hear that you want the biscuit. That's really hard. My answer is no.' And that's quite clear," she said. "We follow that with empathy: 'You're allowed to be upset about it'." Muir says this is a method with which parents can learn to set limits with their children. She says her approach is to be really firm about the boundary but to deliver it with kindness and empathy. Muir also notes modern parenting comes with a lot of pressure, particularly with conflicting information and opinions online available. She encourages parents to remember self-compassion and balance. "I apply the information that I teach 30 per cent of the time — not 100 per cent of the time — because none of us are meant to parent sitting on the floor, welcoming every feeling our child has 100 per cent of the time." "It is not what kids need and it's a recipe for burnout for parents." 'A lack of accountability for students' Cath Lorenz says she regrets not being stricter with her two now-adult children, and admires how her parents raised her — with firm boundaries and expectations. "I don't feel I've had that strength or consistency with my own children ... I wish I had been a little bit more consistent, with potential consequences for overstepping those boundaries," she said. Cath was a teacher for 25 years and says she observed significant changes in students' behaviour throughout that time. "There's a real difference in the concept of respect, and there seems to be, these days, a lack of accountability for students," she said. Cath left her teaching career due to feeling there was a lack of support in managing students' behaviour. "If there was a student who was dysregulated or having trouble, for whatever reason, it was back on me. It was 'my fault, I wasn't trying hard enough'." "When I used to spend so much of my time worrying about my students outside of my school time that I wasn't giving my enough time to my own children — and that had to stop." Cath left the teaching profession due to feeling there was a lack of support in managing pupils' behaviour. Source: Supplied Building resilience early Ben recognises it can be hard to "let them have some independence and not be watched all the time" in city settings. But living in a suburban area, he and his wife now encourage their children to go down to the local shops to pick up the odd grocery item. "And so we say to the three kids: 'Hey, here's a $10 note'. "Go down, pick up some milk, you can have a dollar worth of lollies each." He said this provides a bit of incentive and excites the kids and they look forward to it. "Our oldest is like: 'Oh my goodness, this is really scary. I'm anxious.' "And yet she did it. And she was so proud of herself."
