7 days ago
The Mouses of Parliament
Photo byMPs and peers have packed their buckets and spades so actual rodents can enjoy a free run of the Mouses of Parliament over the summer. The infestation is worsening in a crumbling palace previously awarded a low two (out of five) catering hygiene rating by Westminster City Council after droppings were found in nearly two dozen places. Only this month the nature minister Mary Creagh's grilling on sustainability by the Environmental Audit Committee in room eight was interrupted by a mouse scampering across the floor. 'Oh my God,' squealed a startled Creagh, 'it must have been a species recovery right here in the room.' The upside was the uninvited visitor at least made her hearing memorable, unlike the Prime Minister's at the Liaison Committee the same day. One cabinet minister purred that Keir Starmer was human Trazodone, which was mission accomplished after a tumultuous first year.
Gurgling down the plughole of Steve Reed's water refresher went Feargal Sharkey's prospects of a peerage after the campaigner and former Undertones frontman called for the Environment Secretary's resignation over the 'water industry shambles'. Sharkey was widely floated for ermine, having hosed down the dirty Tories in dozens of target seats in an arduous tour during the election campaign. A snout said a No 10 hitherto fretting about whether Sharkey might go rogue in the Lords had a definitive answer. It's All Over Now, as Sharkey once sang.
Donald Trump is often best charmed on the golf course. Japan's Shinzo Abe even gifted him a gold-plated club. But who in the British cabinet could enjoy a round with the president? Not Starmer, who became the first PM to turn down membership of a Chequers-linked golf club. The leading contender ahead of Trump's flying visit to his Turnberry course was the Attorney General, Richard Hermer, who volunteered earlier this year. Could his swing convince Trump that human rights lawyers aren't all bad? Perhaps, if he lets the president win.
Having lost out in the Conservative leadership contest to Kemi Badenoch after dim-witted supporters inadvertently rigged the ballot against him, James 'not very' Cleverly returned to the front bench to be the – seriously – 'thinking Tories'' answer to Robert 'generic' Jenrick. Urbane Cleverly will, whispered an admirer, go full video and challenge his more reactionary colleague's domination of the bandwidth. Classic divide and rule from Badenoch.
Handbags at dawn in Nigel Farage's big press conference on crime. Laila Cunningham, a London councillor who last month joined Reform from the Tories, kicked off proceedings, before the Runcorn by-election victor, Sarah Pochin, the party's sole female MP, got up to thank her. Pochin noted that thanks to Cunningham's defection 'Reform UK now has two formidable women who speak with bravery and conviction about what needs to be done to bring back law and order to our streets'. But wait! Was she forgetting the existence of former Conservative minister Andrea Jenkyns, now Reform's Greater Lincolnshire mayor and until Pochin's triumph the party's most high-profile woman? Or does Pochin not think Jenkyns is 'formidable' enough on the subject of law and order? Jenkyns was not in attendance, but she has previously been spotted rolling her eyes when Pochin speaks at events. Is the upstart party big enough for both?
MPs left for the recess still speculating on what was behind Rachel Reeves' PMQs tears. The latest theory doing the rounds is that shortly before the Chancellor entered the chamber she received a very shouty phone call from burly peer Tom Watson, Labour's rambunctious former deputy leader. Watson is locked in a fiery spat with a member of Reeves' team and, the story goes, called her to vent. Was it Watson's venomous words that reduced Reeves to tears? The official line remains a benefits-bashed Chancellor cracked after a dressing down from the Speaker.
No cuddly politics in a Green Party with as many MPs (four) as Reform, yet a fraction of the public attention and prospects. MP Carla Denyer's focus on her Bristol Central constituency is blamed by some for the Greens' failure to take the West of England mayoralty in May. Labour's Helen Godwin pipped Reform squillionaire Brexit bad boy Arron Banks, with the eco brigade back in third. Denyer subsequently stood down as the Greens' co-leader. Voting to elect a fresh top team opens in August. In a fevered internal contest the stark choice is between Denyer's fellow chief, MP Adrian Ramsay, on a ticket with a third MP, Ellie Chowns, and the insurgent Zack Polanski pitching himself as the Greens' populist answer to Farage's turquoise reactionaryism. The Greens are at a crossroads. Predicting which way they'll turn would be a mug's game.
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Over in the Lords a new name was heard in the undeclared contest to lead Tory peers: Thérèse Coffey. Briefly deputy PM during the Liz Truss interregnum, Coffey swapped parliamentary houses after voters in Suffolk Coastal issued marching orders and preferred Labour army reservist Jenny Riddell-Carpenter. Sociable Coffey, whispered a snout, is trying to mobilise the Tory turnip Taliban.
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[See also: Kemi Badenoch isn't working]
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