13-08-2025
My teen is on the spectrum, and her ‘neediness wears on me'
Hi Meghan, I have a 15-year-old daughter on the spectrum. She wants privacy a lot of the time and reminds me that she's 15 and not a baby. But, at the same time, she's so needy. She wants company while she dresses and bathes, general assistance with self-care and meals and wants me to baby her ('I'm your widdle baby').
The neediness wears on me, but I also know she wants my attention and company and is trying to connect as best she can. I feel annoyed with her a lot of the time, and then I feel guilty. I want her to be more independent, but I don't want to push her away. Life isn't easy for her. Any input would be much appreciated; I really enjoy your column. Thanks!
— Needy's Parent
Needy's Parent: Thank you for your letter. Before we get into how to help your teen on the spectrum, know that your parenting frustration is normal. You are parenting a teen with all the accompanying hormones and ups and downs. Add on that your teen is on the spectrum and wants both privacy and your constant company. This is a lot for even the most skillful parent, so give yourself a break.
Taking care of yourself can help you break this cycle of annoyance and guilt. Start by surrounding yourself with a community of other parents in the same boat. Parenting a teen with autism can be isolating, so the important thing is to meet people who understand your unique struggles whether this is in person (highly recommended) or online, therapeutic or casual. I also recommend reading books like 'Growing Up on the Spectrum' by Lynn Kern Koegel and Claire LaZebnik to keep the ideas flowing.
For teens on the spectrum, daily and 'normal' tasks can often be physically, emotionally and psychologically overwhelming. Holly Blanc Moses, a therapist and autism/ADHD expert, says: 'Your daughter may not have the same energy reserves to complete tasks independently every single day. One day, she may breeze through getting dressed, while another day that same task feels overwhelming. Executive functioning differences and motor skill variations can make daily tasks genuinely difficult.' This isn't due to a lack of parenting love from you or a lack of effort on your daughter's part; it is simply part of the neurotype. Having you nearby soothes her jangled nervous system.
Neediness — an unskillful way to get attention — is a common behavior in humans, and we are accustomed to seeing it in little kids. Babies are unskillful (crying) because they are immature, toddlers are unskillful because their needs outpace the speed of their skill acquisition, and teens on the spectrum are unskillful because they need to learn how to identify and communicate their feelings in a way that neurotypical teens may not. Underneath the 'widdle baby' and your daughter's calls for nearness are deeper emotions that she needs more support handling.
There are a number of ways you can help your daughter grow more skills, despite the frustration. Because executive functioning skills grow at a slower pace in many autistic teens, break down these basic self-care needs into bite-size steps. Bathing, getting dressed and eating all involve a huge number of decisions; breaking them down will bring your daughter's overwhelm down and, hopefully, will also lessen the neediness. For example, when it comes to getting dressed, Blanc Moses suggests: 'Write down each step of the process. You'll likely discover there are many more steps than you initially realized. Create a visual way for her to indicate how easy or difficult each step feels (perhaps a simple 1-5 scale). This helps identify which areas she feels confident handling independently versus which steps need more support. Create a visual with images of clothing along with the written steps.'
Even if breaking down these many steps may seem daunting at first, the more you practice this approach to solving problems, the easier the other tasks may become. Once your daughter becomes more comfortable and independent getting dressed, that confidence may also spill into creating the steps for bathing, eating, etc. Remember: Neediness is a by-product of fear, so the more she can calm her own nervous system with small steps, the more independence can grow.
Again, 15 is an intense time for every human, so be sure to build in breaks for your daughter. It is okay to baby her a little bit; most teens love a little babying, and her intense brain will need more breaks from this work than the typical teen. Be patient with yourself and her, and be sure to celebrate even the smallest of wins, pointing out her growth from one day or week or month to the next. Good luck!
