a day ago
David is a 'tiger parent'. His daughter Kelly has taken a 'poodle' approach with her own kids
How are parents raising resilient kids in an age of constant judgement and conflicting advice? Insight hears from parents navigating generational differences, social pressures and childhood baggage. Watch Insight episode Modern Parenting on SBS On Demand .
David: When my children were born, I was elated and determined to be the best father I could be within my financial and physical means. I read extensively on parenting methods and researched the Victorian education system to determine which schools aligned with my parenting style. My goal as a parent was to equip my children with the best tools available. For them to lead a life of resilience and balance. To lead an examined life. To contribute to society.
I tried to instil in my children a love of learning, and to have wider horizons in life. I took them to libraries, museums, cultural events and exhibitions. I would leave books on various subjects around the house for them to explore and develop an inquiring mind.
I applied the principle of 'healthy body, healthy mind' — organised swimming, tennis, soccer and basketball for my kids. They took music lessons for the piano, violin, cello; plus there were weekly library visits and school cultural events.
'A disciplined family life' I ran a disciplined family life. My children had a daily schedule. Breakfast, before-school sport training, school, after-school sports training, homework, dinner, music lessons and practices. It was full on. My family managed to accomplish these daily activities because we were disciplined, persistent and resilient. There is a saying, that the only fair and equal thing in this world is: nature gives every human 24 hours a day. It is how one manages those 24 hours that counts.
I do not recall any overt rebellion to my disciplined and structured way of parenting. But there were days when the children were less enthusiastic than others.
Kelly says that her parents raised her with a 'tiger' approach. Source: Supplied Looking back over the past five decades, I firmly believe my disciplined and structured way of parenting has been successful. My children have the essential tools to navigate their journeys. They contribute to society and lead balanced lives. So, I look back with satisfaction and contentment. I asked my son recently whether he recalled going to a cafe to have honey crumpets and milkshakes after swimming training. The response was a happy yes.
I love watching my children and grandchildren play instruments together — enjoying family life to its fullest.
'Parenting is not 'fun'' As society is evolving, so is family life and parenting. I feel that the prevailing emphasis today on parenting is the individual "me" and "fun". If a child does not want to learn or do something as requested at school or at home, from where I sit, that seems like it is acceptable. Many parents seem afraid of upsetting and hurting their child's feelings and the child's feelings reign supreme. Parenting is about equipping the child with all the tools and the mindset needed to navigate the tough real world. Education is all about learning; it is not necessarily "fun".
Parenting, like education, is not "fun".
Kelly's daughters gardening with their grandfather David. Source: Supplied Kelly: Tiger parents are famously keen on ensuring their children succeed not only at school but in extracurricular activities — like sports and music. My parents could be classed as tiger-ish. While they did not resemble the archetype described by American lawyer and author Amy Chua — who popularised the term in the early 2010s — they had tendencies. Especially Dad. Dad was an accountant, so numbers were his thing. On a weekend, there was no way I was going to lounge around reading Dolly or Smash Hits magazines; there were fractions, long division and algebra to be done. I had a strict quota to complete — and an even longer list in the school holidays. Dad loved sport, particularly tennis. He'd often insist on volley practice in the backyard. When I was in a bad mood, which was often, I'd whack the balls over the fence and relish the 'plop' as they landed in the neighbour's pool.
I was also shuttled off to piano lessons. My long-suffering teacher tolerated my half-hearted attempts to bash out a minuet. Eventually, he became fed up with me and recommended that my parents save their money and petrol by stopping lessons.
Despite my parents' devotion, I wasn't a star tiger cub. I was average at maths, average at piano and my PE teacher noted that I "lacked athleticism" on my report card. All that extra maths added up to me loving English. I went on to study arts and wanted to be a writer. My parents looked on in horror as I studied subjects like 'Victorian Narratives: Origins and Oblivion' and wondered how I could cobble together a career.
My brother took a more traditional and remunerative tiger cub route: he became a doctor.
Taking on a 'poodle' parenting style Fast forward a few decades, and I'm a parent myself. My partner has dubbed us "poodle parents". More playful, affectionate and less aggressive than tiger parents. My partner and I talk to our kids much more about relationships and human behaviour than my parents did. We want to help them understand themselves and others — and have a strong sense of self. My approach is not a reaction against that of my parents. I'm grateful for the care and attention they gave me — using the methods they thought best.
I'm sure they were influenced by their cultural background and the fact that they were immigrants. It's harder to guide your kids through a system when you haven't been through it yourself.
I may not have become a mathematician who regularly plays Carnegie Hall between Grand Slam tennis tournaments, but hopefully I've turned out okay. My parents have often been the subject of many articles I have written. They're good sports about it too. When I suddenly appear at their place with a notepad and a list of questions, they know the drill. Every 'species' of parent wants the best for their kids. We just have different ways of getting there.
