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The Independent
05-03-2025
- Health
- The Independent
In relationships, have we placed too much importance on attachment styles?
W ouldn't it be nice if relationships were simple? Imagine. We could just look at someone and immediately slap a label on them that would give us insight into their character, communication style, and the extent of their childhood trauma. On top of this, we'd be able to predict how a relationship with that person would pan out: the things we'd agree on, the ways we'd align, and all the ways we would not. It's an appealing prospect. And it's one that's at the root of our obsession with attachment theory. The concept first came to prominence in 2010 courtesy of the bestselling book, Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love, written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. But it took a few economic crises, some serious political disasters, and a fatal pandemic that saw millions locked in their homes for several months to convince us we needed this guidance in matters of the heart. During Covid, the book shot back up the bestseller list and has lingered there ever since. Now, attachment theory is a heavily saturated TikTok trend, where it's regularly discussed, analysed, and scrutinised in videos that garner millions of views. As the discourse has increased, so has the scepticism. While interesting and somewhat helpful, Attached has been criticised for its litany of strange arguments, from calling co-dependency – the harmful root of addictions and a very real result of trauma – a myth, to advising people to avoid those with avoidant tendencies entirely. Some members of the psychological community have warned we're relying too heavily on attachment types, diagnosing people as avoidants or anxious attachers based on exceedingly little information, such as their texting style or what they've put on their Hinge profile. The trouble is that nowadays, the evidence doesn't really matter. Because once we've prescribed someone with a label, we're off: catastrophising, spiralling, and overanalysing, often at the expense of ourselves and whoever we happen to be dating. But let's go back a little: what actually are attachment styles? And how are they influencing the way we understand and behave in relationships? 'Shaped by childhood experiences and past connections, attachment theory helps us recognise our emotional patterns, strengths, and challenges when it comes to intimacy, trust, and communication,' explains Paul Brunson, Tinder's global relationship insight expert. 'Conversations around attachment styles have brought a huge shift in how we approach dating, bringing self-awareness and emotional intelligence to the forefront.' There are four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. 'Secure means being comfortable with intimacy and independence, trusting others, having good communication skills and the ability to navigate conflicts without fear of abandonment,' explains dating coach Sophie Personne. Anxious attachers are defined as 'craving closeness but fearing rejection at the same time', adds Personne. They're likely to be in need of constant reassurance and highly sensitive to changes in a partner's behaviour. Avoidants are hyper-independent and feel uncomfortable with intimacy; they may also suppress emotions and keep people at arm's length. And disorganised attachers tend to carry a mix of both anxious and avoidant traits, exhibiting a desire and fear of intimacy that, according to Personne, can lead to unpredictable relationship behaviours. If you believe what you read on TikTok, the idea is that each of us falls into one of these categories, depending on how much our parents screwed us up. Anxious people might've grown up in a broken home and subsequently feel drawn to people who, like their parents, make them feel abandoned. So they cling on a little tighter in order to redress the balance that was set for them as children. Avoidants can come from homes where one parent made them feel smothered or pressured, hence a fear of intimacy that will continue to plague them and their partners for their entire adult lives. And as for secure people, well, they are the unicorns of the dating world, existing exclusively in dreams and tomes on romantic mythology. While it can obviously be helpful to think about our behaviour according to attachment theory, it's important not to get caught up with the binary definitions we see all over social media. Yes, someone who doesn't reply to your texts might be avoidant. They also might be busy. And sure, the person asking you to make a little effort might be anxious. But you also might not be making much of an effort. It's not hard to see how this could lead you into muddy waters. 'I've noticed a troubling trend in how we discuss attachment styles,' says psychologist Barbara Santini. 'While the theory offers a valuable framework for understanding relationship dynamics, we've morphed it into a rigid system of categorisation, almost like astrological signs for relationships.' This approach is doing us more harm than good, encouraging us to quickly label ourselves and others while negating the fundamental fluidity that makes us all human. 'I've seen clients prematurely end promising relationships because they've decided someone they've classed as 'avoidant', failing to recognise that behaviours can shift depending on context and emotional state,' adds Santini. 'A bad day doesn't necessarily signify a deeply ingrained attachment style.' Taken too far, this way of thinking can create lasting pain in current and future relationships. 'From a trauma perspective, these labels can also be weaponised,' says Chris Meaden, a leading trauma expert who runs The Meaden Clinic in Tunbridge Wells. 'I've seen partners use attachment styles to blame or shame. For example, saying things like, 'You're so anxious, stop being needy,' or 'You're just avoidant, you don't care.' This isn't helpful. Instead, we should be asking: What created this response in you? How can we help your nervous system feel safe in relationships? That's the real work.' Social media is not exactly known for nuance, which is why it's not surprising that the attachment styles have also become increasingly gendered. You're far more likely to see people talking about avoidant men than avoidant women, just as you'll struggle to find videos about anxiously attached men and avoidant women. It's subtle messaging that feeds into archaic stereotypes surrounding heterosexuality: women are desperate to be loved so they can find someone to have children with, whereas men are terrified of commitment and want to avoid the trap of 'settling down' for as long as possible. 'It's a simplification that also carries a kernel of truth,' says Santini. 'Societal pressures can shape emotional expression. Women, often encouraged to nurture, might internalise relational stress as anxiety. On the other hand, men pushed toward stoicism might default to avoidance.' But the clinical reality is more complex than this. 'I've worked with anxious men and avoidant women and determined that while these labels seem helpful, they can obscure the individual's unique emotional experience.' Barbara Santini, psychologist Of course, our attachment style can – and probably will – also change. You might have seen people online say things like 'I thought I was anxiously attached but I was just with someone treating me badly.' If you do identify with one of these labels, it's far from the death sentence we've been made to think it is. 'Attachment styles are plastic and dynamic, not static,' confirms Dr Venetia Leonidaki, clinical psychologist at Spiral Psychology. 'They develop and evolve over time. If a couple manages to overcome attachment struggles and develop a relationship of mutual respect and trust, then their relationship itself may help each partner grow a more secure attachment style.' In other words: don't believe all the TikTok videos telling you that anxious people can never have successful relationships with avoidant ones. They can and do; in some cases, it might even be the thing they need to develop a more secure attachment style. With this in mind, what's especially concerning about attachment theory is the label we prescribe to ourselves – and how quickly we do so. 'In my practice, I've witnessed clients who misdiagnose themselves based on a single relationship experience, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps them from genuine connection,' says psychologist Ieva Kubiliute. This hinders personal growth, often leading us to make poor decisions in our love lives. 'If you constantly identify as 'anxious', you might unconsciously gravitate towards partners who reinforce that narrative, perpetuating a cycle of insecurity.' The same is said of those who call themselves 'avoidant'. 'It can become an excuse to evade intimacy, hindering your capacity for genuine connection.' The reality is that while attachment theory can help us understand our romantic responses and triggers, it is nothing more than guidance. Because nobody is meant to move through the world with an anxious or avoidant attachment style; the idea is that through some self-reflection, personal growth, and possibly a little therapy, we all become secure. But we're never going to do that if we're so fixated on diagnosing ourselves and everyone around us. 'It's important to challenge these narratives and explore the underlying fears and beliefs that influence our behaviour,' says Kubilate. 'Individuals who do that can break free from the confines of attachment theory and engage more authentically in their relationships. Because true growth isn't about recognising if you're avoidant or anxious. It lies in the ability to transcend labels and embrace the complexity of our emotional selves.'
Yahoo
27-02-2025
- Business
- Yahoo
HUD cuts, layoffs will "devastate" communities, worsen housing crisis, observers say
The Trump administration on Wednesday instructed federal departments to eliminate staff positions and look for ways to cut budgets, the latest in a series of steps taken in Washington to slash spending and shrink government programs. But at the federal agency responsible for housing matters, staff and budget dollars are already stretched too thin, observers say. In the midst of a housing crisis that's pinching Americans across the country, having the Department of Housing and Urban Development operating at 100% of its capacity is critical, they believe. 'We know everybody is feeling the pain of housing,' said Rachel Heller, CEO of the Massachusetts-based Citizens' Housing and Planning Association (CHAPA). 'Housing is unaffordable for everyone at just about every income level. We would hope that this would be a moment when the federal government would be doing more, not less.' Like many housing organizations across the country, CHAPA offers a long list of programs and initiatives to help residents in its area rent, buy, age in a supportive environment, or get off the street or out of a shelter into something more permanent, most of them supported by money and staff from HUD. In February, analysts at the Urban Institute, a Washington, DC-based think tank, compiled a searchable tracker of HUD programs and their impacts in all 50 states. Among them: The Housing Choice Voucher Program, which provides funds to 2.3 million households to rent market-rate housing units. The HOME Investment Partnerships Program helps communities invest in building and preserving affordable housing. And Community Development Block Grants support infrastructure investments in communities beyond just housing. 'Deep cuts to HUD's budget will devastate high housing cost communities like Bend,' said Melanie Kebler, the mayor of Bend, Oregon, in an email exchange with USA TODAY. 'The vouchers and programs that HUD funds are critical to keep veterans, kids, and families in their homes and help people experiencing homelessness off the street and into housing.' In Bend, Community Development Block Grants ENABLE (DELETE let) non-profit organizations TO acquire land for affordable housing development and offer down payment assistance for homeownership for low- and moderate-income residents, Kebler said. They also support case management for the homeless or those at risk of losing their homes, among other things. The Fair Housing Resource Center, which serves residents across three counties in northeast Ohio, also relies heavily on HUD programs and staff to carry out its mission. While there are plenty of good intentions in the private sector, which often likes to fund innovative start-up efforts, 'public funding remains the backbone of fair housing enforcement, housing counseling, and stability programs,' Executive Director Patricia Kidd said. (DELETE in an interview.) 'Many residents in our region are rent-burdened, and most seniors we serve can no longer afford to age in place. These individuals worked hard their entire lives, yet struggle to survive on Social Security as market rents continue to rise,' Kidd said. In rural Morehead, Kentucky, Tom Manning-Beavin is president and CEO of Frontier Housing, which is one of thousands of HUD-certified housing counseling agencies around the country. For its direct housing programs, Frontier relies on a hodgepodge of federal funding, including money from HUD and the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Manning-Beavin said. In addition, HUD Community Development Block Grants are used frequently in Morehead for things like water infrastructure. What's more, HUD assistance has been invaluable for disaster recovery, including from a set of devastating floods in 2022 and FLOODING again this February. More: Kentucky flooding and cold weather death toll rises to 22; FEMA to tour damage 'I have lots of fears,' Manning-Beavin said. 'We're in the middle of an environmental review on a disaster recovery grant to build 18 rental units. If HUD's not able to complete their portion of that environmental review, we'll never start that.' Economic development efforts in Appalachia meet many roadblocks, Manning-Beavin said, and funding from the federal government is critical. 'Not everyone has access to the same bootstraps,' he told USA TODAY. 'And some people's bootstraps are incredibly short or non-existent and our work to put them into a homeownership situation is the bootstraps they need. With an incredibly modest investment, we're creating some legacies of wealth building and helping households get that start.' Patricia Kidd, of Ohio's Fair Housing Resource Center, agrees. 'There is often a perception that anyone impacted by these issues are 'those people,' but the reality is that they are our parents, grandparents, neighbors, and colleagues." In a time of increasingly expensive housing, financial strain isn't limited to a specific group, Kidd added. It may take only one unexpected event, such as a medical emergency or job loss, to push someone into a crisis, where they are no longer able to afford housing or essential medications. Many observers say that if anything, HUD needs more resources, not less. 'Already, these programs are underfunded compared with their need,' the Urban Institute researchers wrote. 'An additional 16 million households with low and moderate incomes are cost burdened and currently receive no federal housing assistance. A large share of the people affected are children, seniors, or those with a disability, yet funding levels have not meaningfully increased over the past decade to keep up with growing needs.' Heller notes that the 'chaos' caused by the various directives from Washington is likely already having an impact on programs which rely on consistency. 'There is a tremendous amount of work in administering these programs,' she said. 'If you don't have adequate staffing, the funds don't get out.' 'Many HUD employees are already overworked and short-staffed, yet they continue to provide exceptional support for housing initiatives,' Ohio's Kidd said. Deep cuts to HUD funding and staff mean 'the impact will be felt across all communities, because at the end of the day, if you can't afford your rent, it doesn't matter how you voted.' This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: HUD cuts amidst a housing crisis will "devastate" communities
Boston Globe
19-02-2025
- Business
- Boston Globe
Is this the fix for Massachusetts' housing crisis?
TODAY'S STARTING POINT It's become common to see housing in the US described as a crisis. Across much of the country — But in recent years, advocates for more housing at lower cost have seen a shift. ' There's so many more people speaking up,' said Rachel Heller, who leads the Change has happened at both the state and local levels. Legislators on Beacon Hill have passed new laws, communities have changed zoning rules, and developers have moved to convert underused buildings. The issue's political profile has risen, too, with housing affordability Today's newsletter explains what Massachusetts is doing to make housing more plentiful and less costly — and the limits of those efforts so far. Advertisement More, more, more Communities across the state have taken steps to expand the housing supply. The MBTA Communities Act, which Governor Charlie Baker signed into law in 2021, requires cities and towns served by public transit to revise their zoning rules to make it easier to create more multifamily housing. Of the 177 communities required to make changes, Accessory dwelling units, known as 'granny flats,' are another recent change. A provision in Advertisement Some local communities have gone further. The Cambridge City Council voted this month Developers have also taken new steps. Some have proposed renovating Cutting costs Some communities are also moving to lower housing costs. In December, Boston More expensive construction materials and higher interest rates have also made it costlier for developers to build new homes. The Affordable Homes Act includes a $50 million fund to jump-start construction on thousands of projects paused because of financial challenges. The big picture These changes are important steps, experts say, but they are probably not enough. Governor Healey has set a goal of 222,000 new homes in the state over the next decade. Meeting it would require significantly increasing the number of homes the state permits each year, which was less than 12,000 in 2023. If you've been doing the math, you can already see that it doesn't add up. Advertisement 'Those policies will certainly make a dent,' my colleague Andrew Brinker, who covers housing, told me. 'But not a huge one.' One reason is that policy changes can take time to take effect. Another is local opposition. Last year, Milton voters Closing the housing gap will likely require other changes, advocates say. Some suggest eliminating parking lot size requirements or allowing triplexes, quadplexes, or townhomes by right on lots. And still other measures may be needed to address adjacent problems, As Heller puts it, 'There's been a lot of good policies that have been put in place over the last few years. And we need more.' 🧩 9 Across: 🌤️ 27° POINTS OF INTEREST Nicholas Portillo (center left), a fifth grader at Dever Elementary School, was among those protesting the proposed closure. JOSH REYNOLDS FOR THE BOSTON GLOBE/Josh Reynolds for The Boston Globe Boston and Massachusetts Accusation: A Norfolk Superior Court judge 'We have no voice': The Boston City Council is once again pushing to Tug of war: In a Boston courtroom, ICE and local prosecutors are Inside successor: Boston College chose the Rev. John T. 'Jack' Butler, S.J., Trouble at Fenway? Rafael Devers doesn't want to move from third base even though the Red Sox just signed an All-Star corner infielder in Alex Bregman. Now his teammates New England Drive away: Herb Chambers is selling his New England Why'd he cross the road? A baby seal that somehow The Trump administration Backwards: Trump criticized President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine after US and Russian officials met to talk about ending the war, falsely accusing Zelensky of having 'started it.' ( No emergency ... yet: A judge declined to immediately stop Elon Musk and his DOGE staff from accessing federal data or firing government workers, but said that Massachusetts and 13 other states' case against Musk's status is 'strong.' ( Justice departure: A top federal prosecutor quit after refusing to launch what she called a politically driven investigation into Biden-era climate spending. ( Cabinet makers: Senate Republicans confirmed Howard Lutnick, a billionaire investor who has defended Trump's tariff agenda, to be commerce secretary. ( Downer: Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. plan to investigate what they call the 'threat' of prescribing antidepressants, stimulants, and weight-loss drugs to children. ( Nation and World Gaza hostages: Hamas said it would release the bodies of four dead hostages, including infant and toddler siblings, tomorrow. ( Not guilty: A jury in Los Angeles acquitted the rapper A$AP Rocky in the 2021 shooting of his former friend. ( Zizian update: The police arrested three members of a cult-like Bay Area fringe group after they allegedly trespassed in Maryland. One of them Walk the walk: About 40 percent of Americans — mostly Democrats, Black shoppers, and Gen Zers — refuse to patronize certain businesses because of their political stances. ( Checkup: Pope Francis has pneumonia in both lungs, the Vatican said, and he remains hospitalized 'in good spirits.' ( BESIDE THE POINT 🚲 Bike fight: Bring up bike lanes in Boston and watch the arguments explode. Which led the Globe's 🖍️ Sketchy royals: Kensington Palace released four portraits drawn by Catherine, Princess of Wales, and her three children. You have to guess who drew which. ( Advertisement ⚠️ America's deadliest workplace: Why didn't safety regulators shut it down? ( 👮 Step by step: Boston native Donnie Wahlberg, actor and New Kids on the Block alum, is returning to the 'Blue Bloods' franchise for 👰 The Big Day: By their second date, they each 🏠 Trading spaces: Would you ever swap your home? More and more people are saying, 'Mais bien sûr!' ( 🍸 No more vodka shots: As women age, they can't hold their liquor nearly as well as when they were younger. The culprit could be menopause. ( 📚 Read this: The US used to be able to do big things. A new book 🖐️ Are fingerprints really unique? Here's a video guide to how to read those black smudges. ( 📧 Want this sent to your inbox? Ian Prasad Philbrick can be reached at
