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Yahoo
6 days ago
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
How to Survive Back-to-School Shopping When Your Teen Wants to Buy Every Fashion Trend
Reviewed by Samantha Mann If heading back to school inevitably has your kid ready to shop, we see you. The 'need' for new clothes, shoes, and everything in between comes in hot right about now for tweens and teens, especially with the prospect of impressing their peers on the horizon. As a result, the pressure on parents heats up, too. Whether it's the newest Stanley cup arrival or that trendy pair of wide-leg jeans that seem totally impractical to us parents, the gear kids are eyeing these days isn't cheap. And even if you have the means to splurge a bit, it can be difficult to justify spending so much money on items simply because they are popular (right now) among your kids' peers. After all, they're destined to get buried in the back of their closet next fall. But before you say no straight out of the gate this year—and a battle of wills ensues with your teen—consider this insight and advice from adolescent experts which will help you find a compromise with your teen about back to school shopping. Why Trends Matter to Tweens and Teens By and large, parents just see dollar signs come back-to-school season. But it's important to know that tweens and teens see something else entirely when putting together a list of new clothes and gear they want as they head into a new grade. 'What parents need to understand is that back-to-school shopping isn't just about function — it's about identity, ' explains Caitlin Slavens, a psychologist, parenting expert, and clinic director at Couples to Cradles Counseling. 'For tweens and teens, what they wear says who they are, or at least who they're trying to be.' All of which is developmentally normal, especially between the ages 11 and 17, adds Jeannine Jannot, Ph.D., a Roswell, Georgia-based developmental psychologist and author of 'The Disintegrating Student: Struggling But Smart, Falling Apart & How to Turn It Around.' 'Kids are developing their identity, seeking independence, and placing growing importance on peer relationships and social belonging, all while trying to figure out who they are,' Jannot says. 'Parents may misinterpret their kids' desires for fashionable stuff as frivolous or over the top, without recognizing the underlying motivation, which is to fit in,' she adds. That means that when your kid is begging you for expensive clothes, try to be compassionate—of course, not everything will be in your budget, but they aren't asking because they want you to go broke. They think of these items as essential to their wellbeing. Navigating Back-to-School Must-Haves vs. Teens' Emotional Needs Nixing a request for the latest-greatest Lululemon athleisure set is completely justified, particularly if you're on a budget. However, parents should be aware that it can come with real consequences for your child's social-emotional health, according to experts. 'We evolved as social beings who require belonging to thrive,' Jannot says. 'To be left out or, worse, ostracized from the tribe was a threat to one's safety and very survival. It feels the same for today's young people who use their inclusion in peer groups to help form their identity and keep them (socially) safe.' Yeah, teens tend to be dramatic, but while it may seem like your tween's need to be on-trend is superficial, it's about acceptance. Clothing and gear in particular have become a form of social currency that helps kids feel like they belong, or that they won't stand out in the 'wrong' way, Slavens explains. Talking to Your Teen About Why Some Asks Are Out of Bounds But there's good news: You can absolutely balance your child's social-emotional needs and your budget — and even teach boundaries, financial literacy, and resilience in the process. 'The risk isn't in saying no,' Slavens says. 'It's in how the 'no' lands. If it comes with shame, judgment, or a lecture about 'materialism,' it can shut kids down or make them feel out of touch with their peers.' The goal instead is to say no with empathy by being curious, not critical. Before you say no, start by asking your child why they want the item, Slavens says. 'Is it about comfort? Durability? Fitting in? Aesthetics? If the answer is 'everyone has it,' that's a valid need in the tween and teen years.' Of course, this doesn't mean you have to buy it, but it's important to understand so you can determine what is—and isn't—worth purchasing. 'A tween who hears, 'I get why that matters to you,' is more likely to feel seen, even if the answer is still no,' Slavens adds. More Tips for Saying 'No' Before School Starts Once your child's motivation is clearer, you can validate how they are feeling, Jannot says. 'This sets up an opportunity for the parent and child to feel like they're on the same team and collaborate on solutions together,' she explains. Here are a few tips for doing just that. Speak honestly about your family's budget If an item is too expensive, experts recommend being transparent about finances. 'Parents can also give their kids spending limits or a back-to-school budget,' Jannot says. 'This helps kids to appreciate the cost of things and practice prioritizing their wants versus their needs.' You can also encourage teens to figure out ways to finance part, or all, of more expensive items, with a part-time job or chores around the house, Jannot adds. 'This approach helps kids understand the value of money,' she says. Consider more affordable options Try helping your child find more affordable versions of what they want. For example, ask: 'Can we find a similar option that fits the vibe without the $150 price tag?' Another good question to ask in this case: 'Is this something you'll use or wear regularly?' If this answer is no, it can help your child see why a cheaper option would make more sense, or at least explain to them that its impracticality is behind your decision to not purchase the item. You can also ask your child to look for the item in question second-hand, either at thrift stores or on apps like eBay or Poshmark. Press pause before making a decision Jannot also recommends parents take a wait-and-see approach regarding some purchases. Teens might be inclined to ask for certain items on impulse just because they saw it on a show, or saw a friend wearing it. But if you give them some time to consider what they really want and need for the school year, the initial appeal of certain items might fade away. 'Ask your child to wait a set amount of time, whether it's a day or a week, before deciding to spend the money,' she says. 'This creates space for both the parent and child to think it over and will help children learn to delay gratification.' Stick to your budget and values Kids are going to be frustrated, disappointed, and maybe even angry if they don't get what they want, which is never easy for parents to witness. But stay strong—try to not give in even if they have a tantrum, but also don't withhold if you have the resources just because you think their needs are strictly materialistic. 'Children need to experience challenges, setbacks, and disappointments to build their resiliency and independence,' Jannot says, which is why 'no' may be a tough answer, but it can still bring big benefits. Read the original article on Parents Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
27-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Family Behavior Is Hard—Here's Why Experts Think It's Worth It
Reviewed by Samantha Mann Every new parent plans to do their best to raise children in a loving environment. But as kids grow from babies to toddlers to little people with their own firmly held opinions, idealistic aims for doing the 'best' can get lost in the day-to-day grind of parenthood. And in those overwhelming moments of chaos, toxic parenting patterns that were present in our own childhoods—or even ones that have existed for generations within our families—can emerge. That's why some parents who identify these patterns decide that they want to 'break the cycle.' They intentionally choose to avoid harmful behaviors and parenting styles that they experienced as a child when parenting their own kids. To find out more about what this means—and get some advice for implementing it—Parents spoke with Rachel Miller, Ph.D., LMFT, and founder of Hold the Vision Therapy. Parents who commit to breaking the cycle in their families mean that they are ending toxic patterns that cause anger, grief, and trauma in other family members. 'When we talk about cycle breakers, we're talking about people who are willing to look at the patterns in their family and decide that this thing that we have always allowed is not ok. It stops with me,' said Dr. Miller. These toxic family dynamics can encompass experiences like domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual abuse. There are other scenarios outside of these extreme cases that motivate someone to 'break the cycle' of toxic family behavior. You could have been the child of a difficult divorce, or navigated a complicated relationship with a parent who struggled with their mental health, finances, or substance abuse practice breaking the cycle often looks parents making big choices for their families that might look drastically different than their own upbringing, often with a healthier or more positive outcome. It might look like never using spanking or corporeal punishment, having honest and non-judgmental discussions about sex, puberty, and menstruation, or allowing your own child to voice their opinion or make choices about what religion they want to follow, relinquishing some of control your own parents exerted over a vow to end patterns of behavior that might have felt harsh or cruel to you growing up, so that you don't create those lasting feelings of trauma in the next generation of the cycle starts with recognizing these patterns by taking a good look at your family history, sometimes going back generations. 'In marriage and family therapy, we see patterns that run through generations,' Dr. Miller began. She goes on to explain that families are systems, and as with any other system, have patterns of behavior that are allowed and not allowed, which dictate how family members function and what behavior they decide is acceptable. Cycle breaking isn't always a straightforward or intuitive process. Just don't do what your parents and grandparents did is not the end of the story. Dr. Miller emphasized that it's significantly more nuanced than that. 'I strongly encourage parents not to automatically do the opposite of what their parents did; that isn't necessarily going to give you different results.' She explained how that scenario could potentially backfire, with situations like one generation of authoritarian parenting leading to a generation of overly permissive parenting. Or it can also show up as parents who did not get what they needed from their own parents attempting to get it from their children: For example, a parent who felt neglected as a child who then relies on their kids to provide validation. When new parents or people who are about to become parents come to Dr. Miller for help breaking their family cycles of toxic behavior, trauma, or abuse, she begins by asking three questions: First, what do you believe was the parenting philosophy that your parents practiced? Second, how did that impact you? And third, is that philosophy currently aligned with your value system?'If you approach cycle-breaking from a value-centered standpoint—what are the values you are hoping to instill in your children? What are the values you practice in your day to day life?—it becomes clear how to break the cycle by aligning your parenting philosophy with those core beliefs,' she said. Rather than issuing a blanket label to how you were raised (like toxic or harmful), start to identify the problematic beliefs, ideas, values and behaviors from your childhood, and get very clear for yourself what you do not want to pass down. Another way to think about it is: what do you believe your job is as a parent? What comes with that role, and where did those beliefs come from? Once you answer those questions for yourself, you can start forming a parenting style that fits your value level of inner reflection needed to successfully break cycles of toxic behavior might trigger old memories or feelings associated with abuse or other forms of harmful parenting, which is why might be particularly wise to move through this process with the help of a Miller also recommends Brené Brown's BRAVING acronym as a helpful tool as you begin this work. The acronym breaks down trust into seven components: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Nonjudgement, and Generosity. Dr. Miller advises applying them to yourself as you evaluate your own parenting. Again that means engaging in sometimes uncomfortable or difficult self-interrogation. You can ask yourself questions like,'Do you hold good boundaries for yourself? Are you reliable to yourself? Do you practice non-judgement towards yourself when you need to?' 'If you're practicing those things for yourself, you're modeling it for your child,' Dr. Miller explains. Finally, in order to become a cycle breaker, Dr. Miller said, you have to get comfortable with making mistakes. After all, every single parent will cause their child some unintentional harm—what's important is that we are always trying to minimize the hurt we cause. If your parenting decisions are rooted in your values, you should be able to take accountability for how your parenting choices play out in day-to-day life—and to sincerely apologize when you miss the mark. The ability to be grounded in a philosophy—but then also take accountability for where that philosophy went wrong or where we didn't do it well or where it caused harm—is a key piece. What will accountability look like in your home, up to and including accountability for when you screw up?' she asked. Cycle breaking, she said, includes making room for everyone's full humanity—including your own. You may wonder if, during the process of cycle breaking, you'll be able to heal your relationship with your own parents as well as identify how you want to show up for your own kids. Dr. Miller thinks it's likely that could be your experience; it's a situation she encounters a lot. 'When I work with teenagers, they often don't see their parents as people. Some of the work I do with them is helping them put their parents in context. The same thing happens with adults who are doing this work,' she said. 'You can say, I see why they showed up the way they did. It was still hurtful. It was still unhelpful for me. I still don't want to do that to my kids. But you can give them grace.' In part, cycle breaking can help you to free yourself from believing that everything your parents did during your childhood was personal, and start to see that much of what they did was stemmed from their own struggles—whether with mental health or their own trauma, 'This can sometimes lead to forgiveness and moving forward in a different kind of way — with or without a relationship with them,' said Dr. Miller. 'It's you getting to a new place of understanding.' Read the original article on Parents
Yahoo
07-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Mother's Day Can Be Heartbreaking When Grieving—Here's How It Can Still Hold Value
Yahoo is using AI to generate takeaways from this article. This means the info may not always match what's in the article. Reporting mistakes helps us improve the experience. Yahoo is using AI to generate takeaways from this article. This means the info may not always match what's in the article. Reporting mistakes helps us improve the experience. Yahoo is using AI to generate takeaways from this article. This means the info may not always match what's in the article. Reporting mistakes helps us improve the experience. Generate Key Takeaways Reviewed by Samantha Mann PARENTS/ GETTY IMAGES For many, Mother's Day is a time for joy. It conjures up images of flowers and sunshine, breakfast in bed, and messy but adorable handprint art for the beloved matriarch of the family. But for those who are grieving, Mother's Day (and other holidays like it) can be especially triggering, even as they bring so much happiness to others. Countless forms of loss may rob someone of this day of joy: whether they have recently lost their own mother or are estranged from a maternal figure, have lost a child themselves, or are still waiting to welcome a baby of their own. And when grieving people feel unseen and alone in their grief, or feel their loss goes unacknowledged by loved ones, the relentless calls to happiness and joy that surround celebrations like Mother's Day often leaves them feeling even more isolated than before. Though painful emotions like grief and sadness may feel taboo to discuss, these conversations are important and create a kinder, more compassionate world for both ourselves and the ones we love. Here's how to hold space for grief around Mother's Day, find moments of peace, and ultimately reclaim this time for yourself. Why Many Struggle To Find Support When Grieving Many lack meaningful support when they experience grief on Mother's Day, according to Megan Devine, psychotherapist, grief advocate, and author. She notes that people's discomfort with grief and loss isn't limited to celebrations and holidays, but is often a pervasive approach to navigating, and avoiding, many painful experiences in life. 'Humans have been trying to avoid pain for thousands of years,' Devine says. 'We work hard to pretend that what hurts doesn't hurt. We prioritize resilience instead of changing the systems or circumstances that require people to be resilient. We prize a positive attitude, rather than feel pain or witness pain in others.' As many of us are socialized to avoid expressing feelings of grief, loss, or sadness, this lack of support can further exacerbate the complicated feelings some may feel around celebrations and holidays. Individuals may refrain from sharing openly with loved ones about feelings out of concern that there isn't space for the 'negative' emotions that accompany grief. "Society doesn't know what to do when you don't feel happy on this particular holiday." Shallimar Jones, PhD Shallimar Jones, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, notes that many people lack the basic vocabulary to even begin discussing the healing process of their loved ones. 'They're kind of at a loss for words,' she says of people witnessing grief. 'We are not taught how to handle, how to label those feelings and what to actually do with them.' '[...] Society doesn't know what to do when you don't feel happy on this particular holiday. They have no idea in many ways what that process [of grieving] is because in many ways they don't even have words to describe it.' Jones says that without these tools and vocabulary, it might be hard for people to make space for grief during holidays and celebrations, which can be especially difficult for those individuals who might be most in need of support at that time. 'It's important, especially if it's someone you love and care about, to create a space to talk about those difficult things,' Jones says. 'That's how you have depth within your relationships. That's how you can have healing not just for that person but also for yourself. Whether or not they take you up on it, that's their journey. But knowing that you're there, it's a huge deal for people.' It's OK to Not Be OK on Mother's Day While we're often brought up to see holidays as happy occasions, Jones points out that as individuals who experience a range of feelings, it makes sense that the same spectrum of emotions would present itself throughout celebratory events, as well. 'As people we're complicated, and no one is happy all the time,' she says. 'There is a range of emotions, but in many cases, we're told that you can't show those emotions, or it's not OK to have those emotions.' 'Holidays are not always happy for everyone and even when you are happy, there might be a part of you that's still sad. You may have lost a pregnancy, you may have a complicated relationship with [your] family member [on] that particular holiday.' Jones and Devine both agree that embracing a range of emotions within celebrations is important and that ultimately whether or not we choose to mark the occasion is up to the individual. '[...]Remember that whatever you feel about Mother's Day is completely valid,' Devine says. 'Love it, hate it, prefer to ignore it - there's no one 'correct' way to feel. You get to decide how you want to acknowledge (or avoid) the day.' Advocate for Yourself One of the most powerful ways grieving individuals can ease these holiday experiences is to vocally advocate for themselves, especially if loved ones seem unsure about what would actually be helpful. Devine notes that friends and family often want to reach out and offer support, but because grief and grieving aren't one-size-fits-all experiences, they might need guidance when it comes to what will feel right for you. According to Devine, self-advocacy can take many forms, including discussing and setting boundaries around what you do or don't want from loved ones. These conversations can be as simple as requesting 'no surprises' or that you do something specific together. You can even share that you don't actually know how you'll feel when the day comes, and ask for the space to make a decision about plans later. And if your feelings change around a plan or commitment, Devine encourages individuals to make space for themselves by stepping away, saying that for some, this simple reminder might be enough to give them some peace as they join a celebration. 'If you make plans, remember that you can change or cancel them,' she says. 'Knowing you have some power over the situation can make it easier.' Embrace the Celebration on Your Terms Celebrations like Mother's Day can be fraught even for those who are not grieving, and Devine reminds us that if following a certain formula for marking the day no longer feels right, we should feel empowered to leave traditions behind or even ignore the day altogether. 'For many people, for many reasons, Mother's Day feels obligatory, stressful, and performative,' she says. 'It's an obligation they were brought up with—you have to do it or there will be repercussions. But just because that's been the case doesn't mean it has to stay that way. You can simply ignore it. Or, you can create celebrations that have personal meaning. There's no one right answer.' If the 'script' for Mother's Day celebrations doesn't feel right this year, Devine encourages those who might like to reimagine Mother's Day to think about what 'mothering' actually means to them as they make the holiday their own. 'Maybe you're a supportive, nurturing presence for your friends. Maybe you tend plants or animals in a loving and maternal way,' she shares. 'If we remove 'mothering' from one single, fallible human being, we can find evidence of mothering everywhere.' Ultimately, making space for all emotions, regardless of the day, is an important part of normalizing grief and the role it plays in our lives––even as we mark special occasions with loved ones. 'It's OK for a person to be sad, even on a holiday,' Devine says. 'It's hard to celebrate when your heart is broken. And sadness is healthy. It's ok to feel anything––sad, happy, confused, angry––no matter what the calendar says.' Read the original article on Parents
