Latest news with #SelfDeterminationTheory
Forbes
26-07-2025
- General
- Forbes
The #1 Motivation That Predicts Romantic Success, By A Psychologist
Research reveals that your likelihood of finding love depends largely on your reasons for searching ... More for it in the first place. Here's why. Romantic relationships are viewed almost universally as one of the most important milestones in life, which all people should achieve at some point or another. For some, this is a great motivator; for others, this instills a sense of pressure. That said, not all people pursue romantic relationships for this reason alone. There's even a growing population of individuals who aren't inclined to search for a partner at all. These differing motivations (or lack thereof) were researcher and lead author Geoff MacDonald's main inspiration in a May 2025 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. More specifically, he sought to uncover which motivations were associated with greater and faster romantic success — if any at all. The Different Motivations For Romantic Pursuit To assess what motivates individuals in their pursuit for a relationship, MacDonald developed a 24-item questionnaire. In total, the measure assesses six core categories of motivation, all of which stem from Self-Determination Theory. In the initial study of over 1,200 single adults, MacDonald and his team were able to associate these different motivations with a host of personality traits: 'Self-Determination Theory was useful because it focuses on a variety of reasons people pursue goals,' explained MacDonald in an interview with PsyPost. He continued, 'And I think most people know that there is some mix of these at play when they are thinking about dating.' Based on this six-factor framework, MacDonald and his research team assessed the extent to which these motivations influenced individuals' desire to find a partner. In turn, they were able to predict which of these motivations — or mixture thereof — led to success in finding a romantic relationship. Which Motivations Led To Romantic Success In the second half of the 2025 study, MacDonald and his co-authors assessed over 3,000 single adults' motivations for finding a partner using their newly developed 24-item scale. Six months later, they checked in to see which of these participants were able to find a partner. Overall, participants with intrinsic and identified motivations were much more likely to find a partner in the six-month timespan. That is, individuals who sought relationships because they viewed them as either enjoyable or personally valuable had more success than those who didn't. As MacDonald explained in his interview, 'The people who both reported that they felt more ready for a relationship and were more likely to be partnered six months later were those who said they were interested in a relationship because they enjoy them and because it was an important life goal.' In contrast, he explained, 'The people who were more strongly motivated to be in a relationship to avoid feeling bad about themselves were particularly unlikely to be in a relationship six months later.' What Motivates You? If, despite your best efforts, you haven't quite found your person yet, it might be worth taking a moment to ask yourself what's actually driving your desire. We're told so often that finding love is a milestone we have to strive for. In turn, we've come to equate relationships as signals of maturity, security and even success. But the moment we internalize these reasonings is the moment we start chasing a relationship for reasons that don't truly serve us in the grand scheme of life. So, take a moment to be honest with yourself: If any of these questions resonate with you, you have no reason to feel ashamed. However, it should prompt you to pause and check in with yourself before continuing your search for love. In most cases, lasting and fulfilling relationships aren't born out of place of pressure, fear or ego. As MacDonald puts it, 'It's boring old wisdom, but I think there is something to the idea that you need to get right with yourself first before putting yourself out there.' Continuing, he explains, 'When you get to a place where a relationship seems like it would be enjoyable and meaningful for its own sake, and not so much about validating your ego, that might be a sign that you're ready.' Love is something that, for a majority of people, you simply have to learn to grow into; it's not a title or status you have to earn or vie for. The more honest you are with yourself about why you want it, the sooner you'll find a partner who sees the good in sharing their life with you. Is the fear of being single sabotaging your search for love? Take this science-backed test to find out: Fear of Being Single Scale
Forbes
16-07-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Ways To Make Your Day ‘Emotionally Nourishing' — By A Psychologist
Sometimes we need to go beyond scheduling and to-do lists, to look at how we can shape a day that's ... More actually fulfilling for us. Here's how to have an emotionally nourishing day. At the end of the day, you may have completed every task on your agenda, including answering emails, meeting your step goal, even remembering to water the plants. Yet, as the day comes to a close, you feel a strange hollowness. This quiet dissatisfaction is a common experience. Despite staying busy and productive, many of us end the day feeling emotionally undernourished. That's because productivity and emotional fulfillment are not the same. Efficiency may keep life moving, but it doesn't necessarily make it feel meaningful. To understand what contributes to a more fulfilling day, consider turning to a well-established psychological framework: Self-Determination Theory. According to research on Self Determination Theory, human well-being depends on the satisfaction of three fundamental psychological needs: When these needs are unmet, even the most efficient day can feel emotionally empty. Here are three science backed ways to design your day for emotional nourishment, not just output. 1. Protect A Pocket Of Autonomy It's not surprising that caregivers, parents and those navigating demanding jobs or juggling multiple roles often find it hard to feel good on days when they don't get to choose anything for themselves. Most hours are pre-assigned before the day even begins. But research shows that how much freedom you feel in those hours matters far more than what you're doing with them. A 2020 study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that moment-to-moment feelings of autonomy, that is, having a sense of choice and personal agency, were the strongest predictor of emotional well-being, more so than the activity taking place (work, rest or play). When people felt even moderate levels of autonomy, their mood, engagement and sense of meaning significantly increased. That boost, however, plateaued at high levels of autonomy, suggesting that you don't need total freedom. All you need is just enough to feel like you're participating in your day and not passively moving through it. So, even within a tightly scheduled routine, carving out a pocket of choice can have outsized emotional benefits. Try this: When we don't exercise choice, even in small ways, we begin to lose a sense of authorship over our lives. Autonomy is what helps us feel like we're living it up. And that feeling of intentional participation is the real fuel behind meaning, motivation and emotional nourishment. 2. Create A Micro-Moment Of Mastery Many people have a hunger for success. But what we often overlook is that the most meaningful sense of achievement comes from the littlest signs of self-efficacy rather than an objectively grand milestone. In reality, competence is lived out in the small, everyday acts of doing well. And this 'quality-in-doing' is not just about skill. It's actually more about meaning, reflection and the small feelings that we are becoming more of ourselves through action. A cross-disciplinary study of competence highlights this beautifully. Drawing from the work of Dewey, Vygotsky and Bourdieu, the research shows that competence emerges from our ongoing, culturally embedded interactions with our environment. It's not simply 'knowing how,' but also 'knowing why' we act. It's a deeply reflective, identity-shaping process. This means even the smallest act, done with presence and purpose, can lead to monumental growth. So, next time you do the following, take this as a step towards building the muscle of 'becoming,' strengthening the reflexive loop between action and identity: Remember, competence isn't about perfection. It's about creating a felt sense of 'I can.' And when you feel even a little capable in your world, you become more grounded in yourself. That's the essence of emotional nourishment. Feeling effective on your own terms. 3. Seek Out A Moment Of Meaningful Connection You can text 30 people from your contact list and still feel completely alone. Do you know why? Because relatedness doesn't depend on frequency or scale. It depends on presence. Even a simple meaningful interaction that makes you feel seen, safe and sincere, can emotionally rehydrate an otherwise dry day. And it's impact is biological. A 2019 study of over half a million adults found that social isolation was strongly associated with a higher risk of death across race and sex. The most isolated participants faced a risk of dying from all causes roughly two times higher than the least isolated. The absence of real connection had a particularly significant impact on cardiovascular health, outweighing even the influence of different lifestyle activities. In other words, your body registers disconnection as danger. In such cases, even brief, genuine moments of relatedness can regulate your nervous system, improve emotional well-being and protect your long-term health. So, choose for yourself what you want your connections to look like. To make them more meaningful, try your hand at one of these behaviors: When you offer that presence to someone else, it goes both ways. It nourishes the giver as well as the receiver. These subtle moments of connection may do more than lift your mood; they might actually extend your life. A nourishing day may look uneventful on paper. But deep inside, it's extremely rich. Are you feeling fulfilled in ways that are regulated and emotionally sustainable? Take the science-backed Flourishing Measure to find out.
Forbes
30-06-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Non-Negotiables In Emotionally Safe Relationships, By A Psychologist
Emotionally safe partners are not flawless, but they are consistent in the security, validation and ... More open-mindedness they offer. Here's what emotional safety looks like behind closed doors. Emotional safety is more than just a buzzword. It forms the foundation of lasting, resilient love. Emotionally safe couples don't have fewer problems, they just fight fairer, talk truer and feel freer. And most tellingly, they rarely have to 'ask' for certain things. And no, this doesn't mean that their partners are mind readers. Instead, their relationship is built on a secure emotional foundation that makes these behaviors natural and automatic over time. Here are three things you never have to ask an emotionally safe partner for, and why these are true signs of the strength and safety of your relationship. 1. 'Can You Please Listen Without Trying To Fix Me?' Emotionally safe couples don't treat each other like projects. They don't act like the other person is a puzzle waiting to be solved. When one partner opens up about having a bad day, the other doesn't rush in with solutions or logic. They know how to hold space. Listening, in safe relationships, is an act of connection. And research backs this up in multiple ways. A 2022 study drawing on Self-Determination Theory shows that high-quality listening is a powerful, autonomy-supportive act. When someone feels genuinely heard without being interrupted, constantly analyzed or corrected, it meets two core psychological needs: autonomy (feeling free to express oneself) and relatedness (feeling emotionally connected.) This kind of listening reduces defensiveness and creates a sense of emotional safety that motivates deeper openness and change. Additionally, our perception of being understood, not just whether we are accurately understood, but whether we 'feel' understood, adds to both our relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. Couples with the aforementioned qualities have attuned responsiveness, or an ability to sense what the other truly needs in the moment. Often, it's not advice, or fixing things for them. It's presence in the form of a nod, a hand gently placed on the back or an empathetic statement. Fixing, then, can create distance that no one really intends. Presence, on the other hand, creates intimacy. Emotionally safe couples know that deep listening isn't about having the right answer. It's about making your partner feel seen, safe and significant. And sometimes, this emotional validation is more healing than any solution ever could be. 2. 'Can You Please Reassure Me That I Matter To You?' You know your relationship is emotionally safe when your partner doesn't just assume that you feel loved. Instead, they express it. Regularly. In silent yet powerful ways, perhaps in the form of a lingering glance, a midday check-in, a silly meme or a shared joke no one else would understand. Here, reassurance is not earned. It is offered freely and preemptively, where one partner senses when the other might need grounding, especially in moments of conflict, stress or self-doubt. A meta-analysis of 30 studies found that the perception of mattering — the belief that one is important to others — is strongly linked to personal well-being, especially eudaimonic well-being, which includes purpose, meaning and authenticity. When people feel they matter, they become more emotionally secure and resilient, which strengthens both the individual and their relationships. Another 2022 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that the sense of mattering also mediates the link between intimacy and marital satisfaction. Couples who engage in frequent communication or sex aren't just bonding physically or verbally. It's their way of saying 'You matter to me.' And when one form of connection is low, the other can buffer the emotional impact by keeping that sense of mattering alive. Additionally, one of the hallmarks of emotional safety in these relationships is never feeling like a burden when you're vulnerable. It means knowing that your need for reassurance won't be dismissed or resented; it will be met with care. Reassurance, in short, is a quiet, daily 'I've got you' expressed in a hundred different ways. 3. 'Can You Please Take Accountability?' This one might surprise people, especially those who grew up thinking defensiveness was just how conflict works. But emotionally safe couples operate differently. They treat accountability not as blame, but as an act of love. They say 'I was wrong' without flinching, 'I hurt you' without spiraling and 'I want to make it right' without needing to be cornered. For them, responsibility is seen for what it is — a bond-strengthener, rather than a threat. And researchers agree. A large-scale study in 2023 involving over 1,200 participants found that people who score high on accountability are more likely to exhibit empathy, humility, forgiveness, self-regulation and the ability to repair relational ruptures. They also report higher levels of personal flourishing and a stronger sense of meaning in life. In fact, accountability was a better predictor of relational repair and well-being than even conscientiousness or other demographic traits. Without accountability, wounds fester. But with it, trust compounds. And emotionally safe couples choose trust every time, even if it means the humbling work of self-reflection, and choosing repair over righteousness. Emotionally safe couples operate on an unspoken emotional contract: 'I will try to know you, show up for you and take care of what we build between us.' So, if you find yourself repeatedly having to ask for these three things — to be listened to, to be reassured, to feel like someone owns their impact on you — pause. Not to blame. But to notice. What kind of safety (or lack thereof) has your relationship normalized? And what kind do you want to build together? Emotionally safe partners often display high levels of emotional intelligence. Take the Emotional Quotient Inventory to see if you possess this strength.
