5 days ago
The key to a happy relationship? For some couples, it's living apart: 'Trust, honesty and humour'
U.K. data indicates that seniors who live separately from their partners have better mental health than those who live together.
Newlywed actor Jack Wagner's relationship recently made headlines when he shared that he and his new wife plan to continue to live separately. While some fans were shocked by this seemingly unconventional living arrangement, it's not actually that uncommon at all.
While several celebrity couples, including Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden, have touted the benefits of sleeping in separate rooms, living apart together — or LAT for short — takes things one step further. And research shows more couples are choosing to live separately for the long haul.
A 2017 survey showed that 1.5 million Canadians were in a relationship and living in different homes, and around half of them had either never thought of living together or had made the choice not to. New research from the U.K. also found that older adults in LAT relationships had better mental health than those who lived with their partner or spouse.
June*, a 72-year-old from Richmond Hill, Ont., is an example of someone who, along with her 71-year-old partner Ed*, made the choice to live apart. They've been happily doing so ("with some ups and downs," like all couples) for almost 43 years.
June, who admits to being "old school," said she knew very early on that she didn't want children, so she never felt the need to get married. As for Ed, she noted she knew from the get-go that he had no interest in marrying again after a divorce. Still, they committed to being together while continuing to have their own homes, which happen to be in different towns roughly a 40-minute drive apart. The key to making it work after all these years? Trust and communication.
"I don't know what makes it work so well." she said. "We just knew that we were going to commit ourselves to a relationship and we felt like as long as we had trust, honesty and humour in our relationship we would make it. So, here we are."
As for any plans to live together down the road as they continue to age? She doesn't see that happening.
"I don't think so, because now we're starting to get crochety," she added with a laugh, pointing out how other couples often struggle once they're retired and home together all the time and complain that their spouse is "driving them crazy."
What exactly is living apart together?
Unlike living apart from your partner because you're A) not ready to move in together yet, B) have separated or C) have logistical challenges, like distance or work, LAT is a commitment rather than circumstantial. Couples choose to maintain a romantic relationship — whether married or not — while actively choosing to live in separate households. Many of them do this to maintain independence.
What are the benefits of couples living apart?
We asked Toronto-based sexologist, Jess O'Reilly, who's also the host of the "Sex With Dr. Jess" podcast, to weigh in on how living apart can benefit couples.
Being more intentional about how you spend time together
While date nights can be few and far between when you live together, O'Reilly noted that if you live separately, you may be more likely to plan your time together and choose "activities that spark relaxation, joy, connection and passion."
Reduced conflict
It's no secret that common-law and married couples often fight about the mundane aspects of sharing a household, like chores and expenses. Depending on your arrangement, if you're not sharing a space, you may be less likely to argue about these things — if at all.
The benefits of absence
You've heard the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When living apart, "you may experience greater desire for touch, affection, physical intimacy and sex because it's not always available to you," she explained.
Better communication
Couples who live apart may engage in "more open and intentional communication," the sexologist noted, as "you don't simply pass one another in the kitchen every morning, so you may be more inclined to make time for important conversations."
In the end, she said if it works for you, don't worry about what anyone else thinks: "Don't let anyone else's opinion sway you. If LAT works for you, relish in your arrangement. Proximity doesn't determine relationship quality, so rest assured that you can benefit from both time together and time apart."
How couples can make the most of living apart
If you're considering living apart, or are already doing it, O'Reilly shared some tips and tricks to keep your relationship running smoothly. And even if you live together? You can still use these tips to help your relationship flourish.
Support is key
"Support one another's autonomy and growth, as self-expansion theory suggests we're most fulfilled in relationships when we're supported to grow and evolve," O'Reilly said.
Judgment-free zone
"Check in regularly, as your needs and desires can shift over time. Ongoing conversations create connection and can also reduce conflict," she advised, adding that "you don't have to commit to one arrangement for the entire course of the relationship. ... If your feelings change, create space to share without judgment."
Moments of togetherness
"Create rituals of connection, like date night, shared hobbies, video chats and sleepovers," O'Reilly added. "Predictable — and unpredictable — moments of togetherness can help you to maintain intimacy, foster anticipation and enrich the emotional bond over time."
