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Boston Globe

The nine most annoying people you'll meet at the beach — and their cabanas, music, and sports equipment

It's almost enough to make you nostalgic for the days when people complained about the 'When you living your life your way starts to harm the people around you, [you need to rein] it in,' read one particularly popular comment. 'Wake the hell up.' Wake the hell up??? Is this the beach we're talking about — or the Advertisement Maybe I'm misremembering, but at some point wasn't the beach the poster location for, you know, relaxation? Feel the sand between your toes and all that . Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up On some beaches, mainly south of Massachusetts, the tension over the pop-up shade villages has gotten so intense that officials (on the Jersey Shore, in Myrtle Beach, S.C., and Ocean City, Md.) have laid down 'shade policies' restricting or banning the structures. Related : Alas, not unlike the Lone Star tick, tents and cabanas are multiplying — 'Umbrellas, canopies or sport-brellas Advertisement The SPF 50-rated McMansions are the latest irritant, but hardly the only one. With several weeks of summer remaining, here's a ranking of the nine worst people you'll meet on the sand. No one likes a Smokey the Beach Bum. VINCENT FEURAY/Hans Lucas/AFP via Getty Images Smokey the Beach Bum The world is this person's ashtray. This offender not only smokes in nature, but litters butts around his blanket, your blanket, and manages to make paradise feel like a dive bar parking lot at 2 a.m. It's enough to make you wish he would vape. The Seashell Sargent She spends the entire day berating the spouse, the kids, and the kids' friends. People aren't eating enough of the food she spent all morning preparing. Or they're hogging it all. They're spending too much time in the water. Or not enough. After what we've paid for parking! You've unintentionally bought a front-row ticket to the most depressing soap opera on the beach. A seagull with a snack at Crane Beach in 2022. Stan Grossfeld/Globe Staff Lord of the Fries The guy on the next towel over gave a gull part of his burger, and now word has gone out in the sky: free food 17 feet southwest of the lifeguard stand. You're in a real-life scene from " Chad from Marketing Spends the entire afternoon on an endless stream of business calls. Yelling about key performance indicators, synergy, and 'touching base' like the beach is a WeWork with a good Zoom background. The Trespasser Stomps across your blanket like it's a public thoroughfare, not noticing as he kicks sand in your hummus, rumples your carefully smoothed set-up, and almost ​runs over the baby with his enormous $500 wagon. Advertisement A crowded at Coast Guard Beach in Eastham last summer. John Tlumacki/Globe Staff The Olympian Look, buddy, we're glad you enjoy every land, sea, and sand sport known to man and Amazon Prime. But we're not charmed by the shuttlecocks, footballs, frisbees, and kites coming our way at all times. We came to the beach to let down our guard — not to play goalie. The Close Talker, Beach Edition This family sets up about three inches from your turf, even though there are miles of open beach. Why? They're too lazy to walk even a few minutes (OK, you were, too, but you got here first). They're having so much fun, and have brought so many supplies, that pretty soon their stuff starts to bleed onto your towel, forcing you to spend the afternoon patrolling a border only you are focused on. Two beach-goers played football a respectful distance from others in June of 2020. It's no fun when you're having to dodge stray balls. Blake Nissen for the Boston Globe The Self-Appointed DJ Announces his arrival on the beach with a walk-on song and things only get louder from there. Decides the beach needs his playlist — and it's heavy on electronic dance music. You came to the beach to listen to the birds and the sound of the waves in real life. Now your only move is to put on your noise-canceling headphones and pull up the 'beach sounds' app on your phone. The Land Grabber She hits the beach at 5:30 a.m., sets up her multiple cabanas and chairs in a primo spot, then — her turf claimed — heads home. The villa sits empty until 11 a.m. when she strolls back to claim her oceanfront view. If you don't like it, tough. The lifeguard is her nephew. Advertisement The Universe OK, not technically a person, but rather everyone and everything that has conspired to put you in a bad mood before you even got to the beach. Traffic that turns a one-hour trip into a three-hour ordeal, with the arrival time ticking ever upward. Nonresident parking fees that have hit $45 on weekends in Gloucester, and, oh, And worst of all: The beach isn't always as perfect as you'd hoped — but even so, it's what you'll pine for come winter. Beth Teitell can be reached at