02-08-2025
10 Friendship Red Flags That Are Corrosive AF, According to a Relationship Counselor
Make new friends, but keep the old non-toxic ones. From Bette and Joan to Taylor and Blake, not all friendships are built to last—and some are better left behind. Maybe they compete with you like Regina George, or leave you emotionally drained like Fleabag and Boo, or try to steal your identity like Single White Female. Whether it's constant drama, crossed boundaries, or backhanded compliments disguised as jokes, the signs of a toxic friend aren't always easy to spot—when you've known them forever or are just mingling for the first time. So how do you actually know when a friendship is no longer healthy—and more importantly, what should you do about it? I asked a relationship expert to break down the biggest friendship red flags. Plus, what to say (or text) when it's time to set boundaries—or walk away entirely. Because even friendships need check-ins, boundaries, and sometimes, an exit plan.
Meet the Expert
, LCPC, MA, is a licensed clinical therapist with over a decade of experience and three master's degrees in Counseling, Psychology, and Education. She's also the founder of Mindful Healing Works, a therapy and wellness company for people who've felt unseen in traditional mental health spaces.
The Hell with Gentle Parenting. What We Actually Need Is More Gentle Friendshipping
9 Friendship Red Flags to Watch Out For
1. Subtle Put-Downs Disguised as 'Jokes'
If their humor regularly comes at your expense—and you're always the punchline—it's not banter. It's belittling. We often excuse this repeated behavior as 'just how they are,' especially in long-term friendships, says Meyer, who reminds me that familiarity can make us blind sometimes. Remember: 'Loyalty isn't about tolerating disrespect; it's about mutual care,' reminds Meyer.
2. Emotional Dumping Without Reciprocity
Everyone vents, but if you're constantly playing therapist while they barely ask how you're doing, that's emotional labor, not friendship.
3. Ghosting When Things Get Real
They vanish during your hard moments but expect you to drop everything when they're in crisis. This isn't emotional support—it's convenience.
4. Feeling Drained After You Hang Out
A rough patch still feels like you're on the same team. But if you leave interactions feeling anxious, small or like you're walking on eggshells, it's not a phase—it's a pattern.
5. Censoring Your Wins
If you find yourself downplaying your joy, your growth or your success to keep the peace—beware. Real friends don't shrink you to feel bigger.
6. Boundary-Crossing Framed as Loyalty
Write this one down: 'True loyalty holds space for autonomy.' People often confuse enmeshment with closeness. More wise words from Meyer who reminds us that if your friend insists you check in constantly, share every secret, or rely on each other for everything, that codependency is not care.
7. Resenting Your Growth
If setting a boundary, evolving or investing in your own life makes them distant or cold, we're looking at a red flag. Per Meyer: 'If a friend gets upset when you not loyalty, it's control dressed up as care.'
8. Complicated Power Dynamics
Do they always have the final say, dominate plans or treat your ideas like they're optional? Red flag.
9. They Offer Non-Apologies
A non-apology is one of the sneakiest—and most telling—friendship red flags because it signals a lack of emotional accountability.
You know the type:
'I'm sorry you feel that way.'
'Sorry if I hurt you, but I was just being honest.'
'You're too sensitive.'
These phrases may sound like apologies on the surface, but they actually deflect blame, invalidate your feelings, and protect their ego more than they repair the relationship. In a healthy friendship, both people can own their impact—not just their intent. As Meyer told me, true friendship is about mutual care. And that includes being able to say, 'I see how I hurt you—and I'm sorry.' Without that, you're stuck in a dynamic where your emotions are minimized and the other person never has to grow
10. They Deal in Absolutes
'You always do this,' 'You never support me,' 'If you don't agree with me, you're against me'—that's not honesty, that's emotional manipulation. Absolutes shut down nuance, growth and honest dialogue, which is kinda the point. But healthy friendships can hold complexity.
Navigating Friendship Red Flags
Why Is It So Hard to Walk Away from a Friendship That's Not Good for You?
'Because we grieve what could've been,' shares Meyer. 'We hold onto the history, the shared memories, and the version of ourselves that once needed that connection. Especially for high-achieving women or empaths, it can feel like failure to walk away. But sometimes loving yourself means outgrowing what no longer serves your nervous system.'
How Do Friendship Red Flags Differ in Your 20s vs. Your 40s?
'In your 20s, red flags are often tied to identity. Jealousy, competition, inconsistency,' Meyer tells me. A couple decades later, in your 40s, the red flags get quieter but more impactful: "friends who don't respect your time, ignore your healing, or can't hold space for your joy. When you're building a life that's aligned, you don't have time for energy leaks.'
What Does Healing from a Toxic Friendship Actually Look Like?
'Healing means reclaiming your self-trust. It's the moment you realize you're no longer replaying old convos in your head or explaining your side to people who aren't in the room. It looks like noticing peace instead of panic in silence. You know you're ready for new friendships when you stop needing people to 'get' you, and instead seek people who feel good to be around.' In short, as Meyer breaks it down, it's about opting to step off the cycle.
What to Say to Red-Flagged Friend
I asked Meyer for specific scripts to use when taking steps in creating distance with a toxic friend. Here's what she told me.
To create boundaries with a friend:'I care about our friendship, and I'm realizing I need to take better care of my energy. That means saying no sometimes, even if it disappoints you.'
To alter the power dynamic:
'I've noticed I've been shrinking a bit in this friendship, and I'm working on showing up more fully, so I may start speaking up differently moving forward.'
To move on from a friendship:'I've appreciated what we've shared, but I'm in a different season now and need space to grow into it fully.'
Bottom Line
As Erin Meyer, LCPC, reminds us, healthy friendships don't demand constant access, blind loyalty or self-sacrifice. They offer mutual care, respect for boundaries and space for both people to grow. Because the best friendships—the ones that do last—don't drain you, shrink you, or guilt-trip you for evolving. They cheer you on, hold you accountable and don't judge that you watched 30+ episodes of Love Island in one weekend.
What Is the Perfect Number of Friends?
Why You Should Trust Us
PureWow's editors and writers have spent more than a decade shopping online, digging through sales and putting our home goods, beauty finds, wellness picks and more through the wringer—all to help you determine which are actually worth your hard-earned cash. From our PureWow100 series (where we rank items on a 100-point scale) to our painstakingly curated lists of fashion, beauty, cooking, home and family picks, you can trust that our recommendations have been thoroughly vetted for function, aesthetics and innovation. Whether you're looking for travel-size hair dryers you can take on-the-go or women's walking shoes that won't hurt your feet, we've got you covered.
Solve the daily Crossword
