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Yahoo
a day ago
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
Six Books That Prove Abstinence Can Be Abundance
The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here. To the uninitiated, the words abstinence and divestment may connote a sense of deprivation or sacrifice. When applied to a person, they bring to mind someone who has given up, for example, salt, sugar, alcohol, smoking, or sex—and has thereby consigned themselves to a dry, joyless fate. Not so, in my experience. In my new book, The Dry Season, I recount how, in my mid-30s, after 20 years of nonstop committed relationships, I decided to spend some time being intentionally celibate. I knew I needed to take stock of and change my romantic patterns, and ended up going a year not only without sex, but without all the attendant activities, including dating and flirting. The great surprise of that period wasn't how it changed my outlook on love and sex, but how enjoyable it was. For 20 years I had been relentlessly falling in and out of love, and withdrawing from those obsessions meant devoting my recouped attention to other passions: friends, family, activism, art. I read more books and went dancing more often that year than during any other in my life. Even mundane experiences came into more vivid focus: I was taken by the tang of fresh raspberries and the crispness of clean bedsheets, along with the sweet freedom of solitude. I had always looked for the sublime in lovers, but in their absence I found it everywhere. Writing a book on the abundance of that year got me thinking about all the other kinds of reneging I've experienced, and how many of them led to unforeseen delights. As a young addict, I thought that my artistic practice relied on drugs and alcohol, only to find that my work bloomed in recovery. Similarly, when I gave up obsessive control of my eating habits, I began to truly relish food again. Rather than grimly depriving us, purposeful refusal can open us to all the bounty we have been forgoing. This realignment applies not only to attachments that rise to the level of addiction, but also to idle penchants or habits that we seek repetitively for comfort. The six books below describe other forms of abundance found, counterintuitively, through abstinence. , by Kazim Ali This lucid memoir originated from a journal that Ali kept while fasting during one Ramadan, and it retains the intimacy of that private beginning while evolving into a resonant meditation on hunger and worship. In the opening he writes, 'One feels, at the end of a day of fasting, like a tree branch or a bone bleached in the sun.' Readers will find sensual pleasure in his sumptuous writing about hunger, its passing, and what swells to fill that space; his tremendous poetic gifts capture that richness. 'I will miss the feeling of emptiness that foodlessness offers me,' he admits later. 'I will miss the weird focus that comes from removing consideration of this huge thing from my mental space.' In anticipation of swearing off something, we typically focus on what we give up or will lack. But the experience so often reveals the things we've been neglecting. As Ali depicts so beautifully, 'holiness is everywhere,' and sacrifice can sharpen our attunement to it. [Read: A Ramadan and Eid in isolation] , by Pema Chödrön Probably no other book on Earth has given me more comfort over the years than this one. Chödrön is a kind of patron saint to Buddhists in the United States, and for good reason. Her warm explanations of Buddhist principles make clear their application to everyday struggles. This book is her most direct explication of the First Noble Truth—that life is suffering—and it locates the freedom of living in that truth. She instructs readers to cultivate compassion and curiosity, and to stop running from fear. This final invocation, against choosing comfort over distress, is the most challenging kind of abstinence for many of us, myself certainly included. She asks us to feel the needle of fear without slipping away with a fantasy, a snack, a book, or a lover. I once read a definition of compulsion that described it as 'an action meant to relieve a mental obsession.' As an addict, much of my life has been governed by such actions. But as Chödrön explains, when we pause before the deed 'and don't act out, don't repress, don't blame it on anyone else, and also don't blame it on ourselves, then we meet with an open-ended question that has no conceptual answer. We also encounter our heart.' , by Hilma af Klint This book contains the first English translation of the writings of af Klint, a Swedish painter and mystic. Born in 1862, she was trained in painting at the Royal Swedish Academy of Fine Arts, in Stockholm, where she was among the first generation of women admitted. She painted naturalistic portraits and detailed studies until, in her mid-40s, she dove dramatically into abstraction. A student of Goethe's color theory and a member of Rudolf Steiner's Theosophical Society, she eschewed traditional painting methods in order to pursue what she encountered through séances and mediumship: an invisible life force undergirding everything. Years before Wassily Kandinsky and Piet Mondrian created their nonrepresentative canvases, af Klint assembled a massive body of abstract work marked by esoteric spiritual codes, diagrams, and symbols. Before she died in 1944, she indicated that she did not want her paintings revealed to the public for at least two decades, claiming that the world was not ready for them—and, true to her prediction, her work found a rapturous audience when it was shown in the 21st century. Notes and Methods includes a glossary of her meanings along with reproductions of her sketches and paintings. It provides a guide to the thoughts behind the great artist's works. It is also, more implicitly, an ode to the freedom found in relinquishing the need for recognition in one's lifetime. [Read: The artist who captured the contradictions of femininity] , by Sophie Fontanel This memoir describes the period of time that its author, a glamorous French fashion-magazine editor, spent voluntarily celibate in her late 20s. At the start, she imagines a life turned 'soft and fluffy'; she claims, 'I was through with being had.' Fontanel goes on to elegantly describe the gratification of aloneness, and offers keen social observations about the mistaken assumptions of others, foremost among them the idea that a woman needs a partner to find happiness. 'I don't know if love makes us blind,' she ponders, 'but I do believe that solitude allows us to see inside people's minds'—that is, it hones a person's ability to accurately perceive others, and oneself. Set against a classically Parisian backdrop, this tour through Fontanel's head is pure pleasure, especially her moving reflections on how celibacy led to healing her own relationship with her body and sexual desire: 'Could it trust me, this body, after the rough treatment I'd put it through?' She finds that it can. , by Caroline Knapp Knapp's memoir of sobriety is just one entry in a robust genre, standing among books such as Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey, The Night of the Gun by David Carr, The Recovering by Leslie Jamison, Lit by Mary Karr, and The Basketball Diaries by Jim Carroll. But Drinking: A Love Story was pivotal for me; I borrowed it from a sober person when I first started trying to stop. Knapp's depiction of addiction as a doomed love affair struck home. 'For a long time,' she writes, 'when it's working, the drink feels like a path to a kind of self-enlightenment, something that turns us into the person we wish to be, or the person we think we really are.' Every book about abstinence is also, inevitably, a book about indulgence—and what lies at its bottom, eventually demanding that we go without. As Knapp puts it, 'In some ways the dynamic is this simple: alcohol makes everything better until it makes everything worse.' Her book details the glory and devastation that precedes the liberation of quitting, including the way that our excesses can subtly (or violently) affect our intimate relationships. Knapp's lushly written story illustrates the insidious way that romanticizing a dependency of any kind distorts its true impact on our lives. [Read: Writing and alcohol: a reckoning] , by Agnes Martin I had long loved Martin's famous, minimalist mid-century grid paintings, but for a long time I didn't know much about their creator. During my period of celibacy, this changed. Something of a mystic, just like af Klint, Martin found meaning and structure in artistic practice and spiritual rigor. Raised by Calvinists, she rejected formal religion but was influenced by many philosophies, particularly Taoism. Martin lived an ascetic and solitary life, and often denounced overly cerebral art. 'A lot of people will think that social understanding or something like that is going to lead us to the truth, but it isn't. It is understanding of yourself,' she said in a mid-1970s interview. Or, as she put it to a class of students at the Skowhegan School in 1987: 'The intellect has nothing to do with artwork.' Writings is full of notes, poems, micro-essays, lectures, and aphoristic passages that ring in my memory years after I first read them. Though Martin was diagnosed with schizophrenia and psychotic episodes plagued her, she never described her life as an unhappy one. She chose the path she wanted, one that structured and directed the insurmountable forces intrinsic in her and alchemized them into great art. Article originally published at The Atlantic
Atlantic
a day ago
- General
- Atlantic
Six Books That Prove Abstinence Can Be Abundance
To the uninitiated, the words abstinence and divestment may connote a sense of deprivation or sacrifice. When applied to a person, they bring to mind someone who has given up, for example, salt, sugar, alcohol, smoking, or sex—and has thereby consigned themselves to a dry, joyless fate. Not so, in my experience. In my new book, The Dry Season, I recount how, in my mid-30s, after 20 years of nonstop committed relationships, I decided to spend some time being intentionally celibate. I knew I needed to take stock of and change my romantic patterns, and ended up going a year not only without sex, but without all the attendant activities, including dating and flirting. The great surprise of that period wasn't how it changed my outlook on love and sex, but how enjoyable it was. For 20 years I had been relentlessly falling in and out of love, and withdrawing from those obsessions meant devoting my recouped attention to other passions: friends, family, activism, art. I read more books and went dancing more often that year than during any other in my life. Even mundane experiences came into more vivid focus: I was taken by the tang of fresh raspberries and the crispness of clean bedsheets, along with the sweet freedom of solitude. I had always looked for the sublime in lovers, but in their absence I found it everywhere. Writing a book on the abundance of that year got me thinking about all the other kinds of reneging I've experienced, and how many of them led to unforeseen delights. As a young addict, I thought that my artistic practice relied on drugs and alcohol, only to find that my work bloomed in recovery. Similarly, when I gave up obsessive control of my eating habits, I began to truly relish food again. Rather than grimly depriving us, purposeful refusal can open us to all the bounty we have been forgoing. This realignment applies not only to attachments that rise to the level of addiction, but also to idle penchants or habits that we seek repetitively for comfort. The six books below describe other forms of abundance found, counterintuitively, through abstinence. Fasting for Ramadan, by Kazim Ali This lucid memoir originated from a journal that Ali kept while fasting during one Ramadan, and it retains the intimacy of that private beginning while evolving into a resonant meditation on hunger and worship. In the opening he writes, 'One feels, at the end of a day of fasting, like a tree branch or a bone bleached in the sun.' Readers will find sensual pleasure in his sumptuous writing about hunger, its passing, and what swells to fill that space; his tremendous poetic gifts capture that richness. 'I will miss the feeling of emptiness that foodlessness offers me,' he admits later. 'I will miss the weird focus that comes from removing consideration of this huge thing from my mental space.' In anticipation of swearing off something, we typically focus on what we give up or will lack. But the experience so often reveals the things we've been neglecting. As Ali depicts so beautifully, 'holiness is everywhere,' and sacrifice can sharpen our attunement to it. , by Pema Chödrön Probably no other book on Earth has given me more comfort over the years than this one. Chödrön is a kind of patron saint to Buddhists in the United States, and for good reason. Her warm explanations of Buddhist principles make clear their application to everyday struggles. This book is her most direct explication of the First Noble Truth—that life is suffering—and it locates the freedom of living in that truth. She instructs readers to cultivate compassion and curiosity, and to stop running from fear. This final invocation, against choosing comfort over distress, is the most challenging kind of abstinence for many of us, myself certainly included. She asks us to feel the needle of fear without slipping away with a fantasy, a snack, a book, or a lover. I once read a definition of compulsion that described it as 'an action meant to relieve a mental obsession.' As an addict, much of my life has been governed by such actions. But as Chödrön explains, when we pause before the deed 'and don't act out, don't repress, don't blame it on anyone else, and also don't blame it on ourselves, then we meet with an open-ended question that has no conceptual answer. We also encounter our heart.' Notes and Methods, by Hilma af Klint This book contains the first English translation of the writings of af Klint, a Swedish painter and mystic. Born in 1862, she was trained in painting at the Royal Swedish Academy of Fine Arts, in Stockholm, where she was among the first generation of women admitted. She painted naturalistic portraits and detailed studies until, in her mid-40s, she dove dramatically into abstraction. A student of Goethe's color theory and a member of Rudolf Steiner's Theosophical Society, she eschewed traditional painting methods in order to pursue what she encountered through séances and mediumship: an invisible life force undergirding everything. Years before Wassily Kandinsky and Piet Mondrian created their nonrepresentative canvases, af Klint assembled a massive body of abstract work marked by esoteric spiritual codes, diagrams, and symbols. Before she died in 1944, she indicated that she did not want her paintings revealed to the public for at least two decades, claiming that the world was not ready for them—and, true to her prediction, her work found a rapturous audience when it was shown in the 21st century. Notes and Methods includes a glossary of her meanings along with reproductions of her sketches and paintings. It provides a guide to the thoughts behind the great artist's works. It is also, more implicitly, an ode to the freedom found in relinquishing the need for recognition in one's lifetime. The Art of Sleeping Alone, by Sophie Fontanel This memoir describes the period of time that its author, a glamorous French fashion-magazine editor, spent voluntarily celibate in her late 20s. At the start, she imagines a life turned 'soft and fluffy'; she claims, 'I was through with being had.' Fontanel goes on to elegantly describe the gratification of aloneness, and offers keen social observations about the mistaken assumptions of others, foremost among them the idea that a woman needs a partner to find happiness. 'I don't know if love makes us blind,' she ponders, 'but I do believe that solitude allows us to see inside people's minds'—that is, it hones a person's ability to accurately perceive others, and oneself. Set against a classically Parisian backdrop, this tour through Fontanel's head is pure pleasure, especially her moving reflections on how celibacy led to healing her own relationship with her body and sexual desire: 'Could it trust me, this body, after the rough treatment I'd put it through?' She finds that it can. Drinking: A Love Story, by Caroline Knapp Knapp's memoir of sobriety is just one entry in a robust genre, standing among books such as Confessions of an English Opium -Eater by Thomas De Quincey, The Night of the Gun by David Carr, The Recovering by Leslie Jamison, Lit by Mary Karr, and The Basketball Diaries by Jim Carroll. But Drinking: A Love Story was pivotal for me; I borrowed it from a sober person when I first started trying to stop. Knapp's depiction of addiction as a doomed love affair struck home. 'For a long time,' she writes, 'when it's working, the drink feels like a path to a kind of self-enlightenment, something that turns us into the person we wish to be, or the person we think we really are.' Every book about abstinence is also, inevitably, a book about indulgence—and what lies at its bottom, eventually demanding that we go without. As Knapp puts it, 'In some ways the dynamic is this simple: alcohol makes everything better until it makes everything worse.' Her book details the glory and devastation that precedes the liberation of quitting, including the way that our excesses can subtly (or violently) affect our intimate relationships. Knapp's lushly written story illustrates the insidious way that romanticizing a dependency of any kind distorts its true impact on our lives. Writings, by Agnes Martin I had long loved Martin's famous, minimalist mid-century grid paintings, but for a long time I didn't know much about their creator. During my period of celibacy, this changed. Something of a mystic, just like af Klint, Martin found meaning and structure in artistic practice and spiritual rigor. Raised by Calvinists, she rejected formal religion but was influenced by many philosophies, particularly Taoism. Martin lived an ascetic and solitary life, and often denounced overly cerebral art. 'A lot of people will think that social understanding or something like that is going to lead us to the truth, but it isn't. It is understanding of yourself,' she said in a mid-1970s interview. Or, as she put it to a class of students at the Skowhegan School in 1987: 'The intellect has nothing to do with artwork.' Writings is full of notes, poems, micro-essays, lectures, and aphoristic passages that ring in my memory years after I first read them. Though Martin was diagnosed with schizophrenia and psychotic episodes plagued her, she never described her life as an unhappy one. She chose the path she wanted, one that structured and directed the insurmountable forces intrinsic in her and alchemized them into great art.
Yahoo
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
She was a 'serial monogamist,' then she gave up sex: What she learned surprised her
Talking about sex is still taboo. Talking about not having sex? Maybe even more so. Melissa Febos didn't go into her year of celibacy planning to write about it. The memoirist, known for 'Girlhood,' is a self-described 'person of extremes.' She's written candidly about her recovery from drug addiction, but in 'The Dry Season' (out now from Penguin Random House), she embarks on intentional abstinence to solve a different kind of addiction – one to romance and partnership. Febos was a 'serial monogamist,' having been in relationships on and off for 20 years since. After one particularly fraught breakup, she knew she needed to change. The result was wholly transformative and, despite the sexual 'dry season,' the most sensual year of her life. 'The tools that I learned during that year are the ones that I will keep with me for the rest of my life in terms of how to be awake to all of my passions, not just my romantic ones (and) what true intimacy and partnership with other people consists of,' Febos says. Febos determined early on in her journey that her problem couldn't be boiled down to a sex addiction. But she did compulsively jump into romantic relationships, which needed to change. In her addiction recovery, Febos learned how to create a personal inventory to analyze past behavior. She applied the same to her love life – a log of past lovers, crushes and partners. 'I had a story about myself in love that maybe wasn't exactly true because it wasn't quite adding up, … I was having a repetitive experience and that I had hit a kind of bottom,' Febos says. 'If I was just a passionate person who fell in love a lot and was basically a great partner to everyone, why was my life ruined?' When she was ready – and only when she was ready – to hear it, she had a close friend look at the list and deliver her the hard truths. 'You're a user,' they told her. 'You use people.' Hearing that was devastating, but then came the relief, Febos says. 'I had written a story about myself in love that was more complacent than I actually was,' Febos says. 'This reflects a kind of national story that we have in mainstream culture where the task in love is to find the right person and when we find the right person, love will work out. … Something I realized during that year was that I needed to also become the right person.' Febos met her wife shortly after ending her abstinence. They've been together for eight years now. 'The Dry Season' isn't a book about finding a spouse at the other end of celibacy – Febos instead clarifies that this period made her the independent, autonomous person who was capable of having a long-term relationship. When you think about celibacy, which words come to mind? Lack? Absence? Dry? Febos feared that, too, but says she found nothing but abundance. Her instinct was no longer to 'run straight into the beautiful anesthesia of another' but to enjoy the satisfaction of her own company. When she says 'erotic,' she doesn't mean in a traditionally sexual sense, but in a fullness-of-life manner of speaking. Her platonic relationships thrived. She had more time for herself. She talks of the 'vivid sense of engagement' she felt – dancing with friends, sleeping in, reading a whole book in the afternoon, eating a perfectly ripe raspberry. 'Overwhelmingly, I did not feel that I was missing anything,' Febos says. 'I had a sense of what I had been missing for years by being obsessed with love and sex." At first, Febos felt embarrassed to tell people she was voluntarily celibate. But as her year continued, she found more and more people who related. 'Almost everything I have ever written about started by feeling unspeakable to me,' Febos says. 'I was afraid that I was alone in those experiences, but I have had those expectations upended time and time again. Every single time I've written about an experience that I felt really alone in and estranged from other people, I have found myself part of a vast community of people who suffer from the exact same burden.' It's a growing cultural conversation. In recent years, celebrities like Julia Fox, Mýa and Lenny Kravitz have opened up about their celibacy. Some young women are going "boysober." Americans aged 22-34 are having less sex, according to a recent study by the Institute of Family Studies. That data showed sexlessness doubled for young men and increased by 50% for young women between the late 2010s and early 2020s. Febos finds common ground with both voluntarily and involuntarily celibate individuals. 'We live in extremes and we ... have a fraught relationship to aloneness,' she says. 'We have not made friends with solitude, and I think that looking for partnership with oneself is actually the first step to having a more comfortable relationship with aloneness.' Febos sought comfort in a long history of intentionally celibate women, like Virginia Woolf and the ancient Greek poet Sappho. She 'nerded out' over nuns (surprising for Febos, given she's not religious) like German Benedictine abbess Hildegard of Bingen. Especially for the spiritual, celibacy was not about sacrifice but power. 'It requires incredible consciousness and mindfulness and consistent work to live against the grain of the ways that we're socialized to accommodate other people, both in our intimate relationships, but also in the world at large,' Febos says. 'Women are really taught that they're selfish if they put themselves at the center of their story and their decision making.' Clare Mulroy is USA TODAY's Books Reporter, where she covers buzzy releases, chats with authors and dives into the culture of reading. Find her on Instagram, subscribe to our weekly Books newsletter or tell her what you're reading at cmulroy@ This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is celibacy for a former 'serial monogamist'?
USA Today
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- USA Today
She was a 'serial monogamist,' then she gave up sex: What she learned surprised her
She was a 'serial monogamist,' then she gave up sex: What she learned surprised her Talking about sex is still taboo. Talking about not having sex? Maybe even more so. Melissa Febos didn't go into her year of celibacy planning to write about it. The memoirist, known for 'Girlhood,' is a self-described 'person of extremes.' She's written candidly about her recovery from drug addiction, but in 'The Dry Season' (out now from Penguin Random House), she embarks on intentional abstinence to solve a different kind of addiction – one to romance and partnership. Febos was a 'serial monogamist,' having been in relationships on and off for 20 years since. After one particularly fraught breakup, she knew she needed to change. The result was wholly transformative and, despite the sexual 'dry season,' the most sensual year of her life. 'The tools that I learned during that year are the ones that I will keep with me for the rest of my life in terms of how to be awake to all of my passions, not just my romantic ones (and) what true intimacy and partnership with other people consists of,' Febos says. How a year of celibacy helped Melissa Febos find herself Febos determined early on in her journey that her problem couldn't be boiled down to a sex addiction. But she did compulsively jump into romantic relationships, which needed to change. In her addiction recovery, Febos learned how to create a personal inventory to analyze past behavior. She applied the same to her love life – a log of past lovers, crushes and partners. 'I had a story about myself in love that maybe wasn't exactly true because it wasn't quite adding up, … I was having a repetitive experience and that I had hit a kind of bottom,' Febos says. 'If I was just a passionate person who fell in love a lot and was basically a great partner to everyone, why was my life ruined?' When she was ready – and only when she was ready – to hear it, she had a close friend look at the list and deliver her the hard truths. 'You're a user,' they told her. 'You use people.' Hearing that was devastating, but then came the relief, Febos says. 'I had written a story about myself in love that was more complacent than I actually was,' Febos says. 'This reflects a kind of national story that we have in mainstream culture where the task in love is to find the right person and when we find the right person, love will work out. … Something I realized during that year was that I needed to also become the right person.' Febos met her wife shortly after ending her abstinence. They've been together for eight years now. 'The Dry Season' isn't a book about finding a spouse at the other end of celibacy – Febos instead clarifies that this period made her the independent, autonomous person who was capable of having a long-term relationship. Melissa Febos says celibacy is not about absence of sex but the abundance of self When you think about celibacy, which words come to mind? Lack? Absence? Dry? Febos feared that, too, but says she found nothing but abundance. Her instinct was no longer to 'run straight into the beautiful anesthesia of another' but to enjoy the satisfaction of her own company. When she says 'erotic,' she doesn't mean in a traditionally sexual sense, but in a fullness-of-life manner of speaking. Her platonic relationships thrived. She had more time for herself. She talks of the 'vivid sense of engagement' she felt – dancing with friends, sleeping in, reading a whole book in the afternoon, eating a perfectly ripe raspberry. 'Overwhelmingly, I did not feel that I was missing anything,' Febos says. 'I had a sense of what I had been missing for years by being obsessed with love and sex." Not having sex? You're not alone. At first, Febos felt embarrassed to tell people she was voluntarily celibate. But as her year continued, she found more and more people who related. 'Almost everything I have ever written about started by feeling unspeakable to me,' Febos says. 'I was afraid that I was alone in those experiences, but I have had those expectations upended time and time again. Every single time I've written about an experience that I felt really alone in and estranged from other people, I have found myself part of a vast community of people who suffer from the exact same burden.' It's a growing cultural conversation. In recent years, celebrities like Julia Fox, Mýa and Lenny Kravitz have opened up about their celibacy. Some young women are going "boysober." Americans aged 22-34 are having less sex, according to a recent study by the Institute of Family Studies. That data showed sexlessness doubled for young men and increased by 50% for young women between the late 2010s and early 2020s. Febos finds common ground with both voluntarily and involuntarily celibate individuals. 'We live in extremes and we ... have a fraught relationship to aloneness,' she says. 'We have not made friends with solitude, and I think that looking for partnership with oneself is actually the first step to having a more comfortable relationship with aloneness.' Febos sought comfort in a long history of intentionally celibate women, like Virginia Woolf and the ancient Greek poet Sappho. She 'nerded out' over nuns (surprising for Febos, given she's not religious) like German Benedictine abbess Hildegard of Bingen. Especially for the spiritual, celibacy was not about sacrifice but power. 'It requires incredible consciousness and mindfulness and consistent work to live against the grain of the ways that we're socialized to accommodate other people, both in our intimate relationships, but also in the world at large,' Febos says. 'Women are really taught that they're selfish if they put themselves at the center of their story and their decision making.' Clare Mulroy is USA TODAY's Books Reporter, where she covers buzzy releases, chats with authors and dives into the culture of reading. Find her on Instagram, subscribe to our weekly Books newsletter or tell her what you're reading at cmulroy@
Yahoo
7 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Can Celibacy Unlock Heightened Levels of Pleasure?
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links." What if abstaining from sex and romance wasn't a retreat from intimacy but a pathway to deeper self-knowledge, creative clarity, and radical autonomy? In The Dry Season, writer Melissa Febos chronicles a year of intentional celibacy—an experiment that began in the wreckage of a devastating breakup and transformed into a radical reclamation of self. What started as a 90-day pause from sex and dating in 2016 extended into a full year of disentanglement from romantic attachment. But rather than deprivation, Febos discovered joy, clarity, and sensual fulfillment on her own terms. Her celibacy was not an escape but a deep inquiry into desire, intimacy, and autonomy—a way to interrogate how socialized narratives of love and devotion had shaped her identity as a queer woman. Abstaining from romance didn't mean denying pleasure—it meant redefining it. Through solitude, Febos reconnected with neglected friendships, deepened her creative life, and uncovered new modes of intimacy outside the bounds of romance or sex. Using what she describes as a '12-step-style inventory' of her romantic past, she traced how her relationships had often been marked by performance, self-erasure, and dependence. Far from isolating, her celibate year became rich with connection. Seeking models beyond the cultural obsession with coupledom, Febos turned to a lineage of women who embraced solitude as a source of power, from 11th-century mystic Hildegard von Bingen and the beguines of medieval Europe to 20th-century icons like Virginia Woolf and Octavia Butler. These figures served as both companions and intellectual ancestors, helping her situate her experience within a feminist tradition of resistance to conformity and the marriage-industrial complex. A memoirist by trade, Febos has previously written about sex, gender, and power through the lens of her own life. In 2010, she published Whip Smart, about her three and a half years working as a dominatrix, while 2021's Girlhood, a collection of essays about the pressures and societal conditioning females face, which remains a best-seller. Ahead of The Dry Season's release, Bazaar spoke with Febos about how celibacy reshaped her relationship to self-expression, attention, pleasure, and artistic purpose. Ultimately, the memoir asks readers to consider what our lives might look like if we stopped orienting them around the desire to be desired. From the age of 15 into my early 30s, I'd been in nonstop committed monogamous partnerships. I had a story about myself that I was a romantic, that I was a very passionate person; I just fell in love a lot. But in my early 30s, I got into a relationship that I think is safe to characterize as addicting. At that point, I had been sober for 10 years, but I experienced depths of addiction in that relationship that were worse than anything I'd ever experienced when I was a heroin addict. It was very obsessive. I was crying all the time. I lost friends. I crashed my car. My health suffered, and when the relationship finally ended, I looked around and I thought, Damn, I feel like I should be better at this, having been doing it for so long. How did I get here? So I thought, okay, let me take stock and see what's actually going on here, because this was the most painful experience of my life, and I would not like to repeat it. So, I started with 90 days celibate. That was laughable to some of my friends, but it was a familiar unit of time; 90 days is seen as a good metric for how long it takes to let go of a habit and see your situation more clearly. But it was also as long as I could imagine going. My [version of] abstinence included no sex, no dating, no flirting, no sexually charged friendships. And three months was a pretty radical length of time in the context of my life up until that point. It took a minute for me to figure out what celibacy was. In the first few weeks, I definitely had some flirtations and got some texts and was like, Wait a minute, this feeling inside me that's releasing these delicious brain chemicals and making me want to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing is actually the thing I need to stay away from. I had to redraw the contours of what my definition of celibacy was, but once I did that, it was not very hard; almost immediately, I was so much happier. My life got better instantly. All my other relationships started to flourish. I had vastly underestimated the amount of time and energy I had been devoting to these romantic pursuits for my entire adult life, and when I recouped that time and energy for myself, I got to spend it on every other passion that I had. I was having long, fun, languorous conversations on the phone with my friends. I was visiting family. I was writing more. I was exercising more. I donated a bunch of clothes, got a haircut, hit all my deadlines, taught better classes than I had been before. It really felt like I got infused attention and energy into every other area of my life, and I started having a great time. at I had much more emotional capacity. I had this joke when I was spending that time celibate where I started saying to my friends, 'Yeah, I'm making celibacy hot again,' which is really corny and kind of embarrassing but also was very true. I think our culture suffers from an obsession with categories. We consider our sex life and our home life and our work life as separate, but they're not; we're the same person in all of those parts of our lives, and they're deeply intertwined. I had designated sex and love as the area where I experienced some sensual pleasures of being human and living in a body, and it's where I had also located emotional intimacy. And when I sort of shut down that category, those experiences started to surface in so many other areas of my life. I had erotic experiences eating watermelon that summer that I was celibate; I had incredibly romantic experiences with dear friends of mine that were not sexual but that had a similar quality. I realized that I had been dramatically limiting myself and narrowing the aperture of my own experiences by only looking for the erotic or the sublime in lovers, when actually there were opportunities for it everywhere I looked. I also went dancing more that year than any other year of my life. I started an email list of all my friends, and every weekend, I was like, 'Who's coming dancing with me?' We would go dancing until, like, two in the morning. I also had a really fun time exploring and redefining my relationship to food and clothes. I had identified as a high femme for most of my adult life, and I had almost every day since my late teens. And during my celibacy, I started wearing sneakers all the time, and the clothes I was wearing suddenly started to change and get more comfortable and weirder. I had no idea how much my personal style was actually defined based on the imagined gaze of strangers or potential lovers or how I might appeal to the other instead of myself. And in the absence of that, I was actually trying to repel the gaze of others. After the first few weeks [of celibacy], I started to understand how deeply entrenched and embedded in my consciousness the issues in my relationship to love and sex were, and if I really wanted long-term change, I had to take a more active role in it. For me, because I had a lot of experience [with the] 12-step [program] and because I love making lists, I thought, okay, let me start by really taking stock and seeing what I've actually been up to. It was becoming clear to me that the story I had about myself and relationships was probably not true, because there was a common denominator among them all, and it was me. If I was the romantic, devoted partner that I had always thought myself to be, why was I bottoming out in such an ugly way? And why were all my relationships ending on similar grounds? So I started making a list of everyone I had ever been in a relationship with: major crushes, entanglements, one-night stands, everybody. I was looking for patterns, and they very quickly emerged. I found when I really committed to an honest accounting of my own behavior and relationships, it started to become really clear to me that I hadn't been honest with my partners and that, in fact, the behavior that I've characterized as devoted and self-sacrificing and accommodating of other people had actually been a form of manipulation. My project of celibacy had almost everything to do with the emotional part of it. The sexual symptoms that I wanted to change were consequences of the emotional dynamics more than anything else. Not having sex with other people for a year was not very hard. There were only a couple of times where I felt tempted and I clicked back into my old operating system, but for the most part, I was incredibly relieved to set down those preoccupations and all of the energy and the inner conflicts that I experienced around them. The emotional part of it was a lot harder. Making a conscious decision to change your own orientation to a part of life for which we have really, really strong cultural stories is challenging. If I'm honest, a huge part of that work has happened since my celibacy. It wasn't until I engaged in relationships with other people that the rubber really hit the road, and I got to learn how to actually practice those things. My marriage has been the greatest education of putting ideals into practice, and I got really lucky to have a good collaborator in that. The emotional rewards of doing that work has made it entirely worth it, and nothing has brought me closer to other people. I started doing research during my celibate year because once I was celibate for a while and I started to change my ideal for who I wanted to be in relationships, I realized that I needed some new role models. Before that, I had looked to women who had been artistically fulfilled but had also been really messy and chaotic in their love lives, like me. I wanted to find some people whose behavior, not just in their romantic lives but in their lives, was really aligned with what they believed. I wanted my actions and my beliefs to be more congruent. I started by reading about women who were voluntarily celibate, and almost immediately I got deeply obsessed with a lot of nuns and spiritual ladies, especially those living in medieval times, like Hildegard von Bingen, who was a naturalist and a politician and an artist and wrote a language for her nuns to speak. This lady was tied to the Catholic Church, and she lived in a stone room for 35 years and managed to do all of that after she got out. I also became super obsessed with the set of religious laywomen called the Belgian beguines, who flourished in Europe in the 13th century. They lived in separatist communes and were financially independent and made art, wrote poetry, preached; they did a lot of service in their communities. They worked as nurses and teachers and performed last rites for the dying. It was unheard of at the time for women to be living that independently. It was actually illegal in multiple ways. And eventually, a lot of the beguines were burned as heretics. At a time when it's so easy to feel discouraged by the erosion of civil rights in our country and other countries, I am so grateful to have the touch of these women who were living against the grain and leading these incredibly brave, self-actualized, joyful, fulfilled lives at a time when their lives were in danger because of it. If they could do it in the Middle Ages, I can muster the gumption today to enjoy so many of the freedoms that they didn't. After the first three months, I extended it, and then I extended it again, and when I got past the nine month mark, I was so happy and so disinclined to re enter that world that I stopped counting. I just thought, I am deeply uninterested in being in a relationship with another person. But shortly after the year mark, I started corresponding with a woman who would become my wife. Our communication didn't start as flirtation. We had read each other's work and became friends out of a sense of mutual artistic admiration. When we met, it was instant chemistry. I thought, Okay, I want to pursue this, but I want to do it really differently. I communicated that to her right off the bat, and she was like, that sounds really cool. We've been together ever since. You Might Also Like 4 Investment-Worthy Skincare Finds From Sephora The 17 Best Retinol Creams Worth Adding to Your Skin Care Routine
