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Yahoo
4 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
13 Bad Marriage Habits That Slowly Turn 'I Do' Into 'I'm Out'
No one walks down the aisle thinking their love story will fizzle out—but the truth is, some marriage habits are like slow leaks. They don't seem catastrophic at first, but over time, they drain the life out of the relationship. What makes these habits so dangerous is that they often fly under the radar—normalized, brushed off, or even mistaken for 'the way things are.' These aren't the obvious dealbreakers like cheating or screaming matches. They're the quiet patterns that build up until the resentment feels impossible to untangle. Here are 13 bad marriage habits that might just be turning 'I do' into 'I'm out'—without you even realizing it. Couples can get so caught up in being civil and 'respectful' that they stop being real. There's a politeness that feels more like a wall than a bridge—conversations become formal, safe, and shallow. As outlined by The Gottman Institute, emotional safety is important, but if you're tiptoeing around honesty, you're not building connection—you're building a façade. Over time, that polite distance becomes a habit, not a choice. You stop saying what you really feel, and they stop asking. And suddenly, you're living in the same house but miles apart. Early in a relationship, you probably laughed about everything—random dreams, inside jokes, the weird TikTok you couldn't stop watching. But over time, couples often start censoring the quirky, offbeat parts of themselves, thinking it's not important. The problem? That's where intimacy *lives*. When you stop sharing the strange, silly, or even dark parts of your inner world, the relationship loses its spark. It becomes sterile, flat, and safe in all the worst ways. Emotional distance starts with holding back. It's easy to slip into the mindset that your partner is a permanent fixture—someone who will always be around no matter what. But that assumption breeds complacency, and over time, it makes your partner feel invisible, taken for granted, and emotionally starved. When someone feels like a piece of furniture in their own marriage, they'll start to detach. This habit builds quietly, through the small ways you stop showing up: no more check-ins, no more thoughtful gestures, no more noticing the little things. According to Psychology Today, taking your partner for granted is one of the top predictors of relationship dissatisfaction. The fix? Treat your partner like they could leave tomorrow—and love them like you'd miss them every single day. It's not just the big things that make someone feel seen—it's the tiny, almost throwaway moments. Saying 'good morning' when they walk in the room, a quick touch on the back as you pass by, or a wink across the table. When those micro-acknowledgements disappear, it creates an emotional vacuum. Over time, it feels like you're living parallel lives, not intertwined ones. You start wondering if they even notice you anymore. And that quiet ache grows into resentment. It's easy to slip into the habit of focusing on what irritates you—how they load the dishwasher, the way they hum while eating, or the clutter they leave behind. But when you stop being curious about your partner's inner world, those small annoyances take over. Curiosity is the antidote to resentment. Cultivating curiosity in long-term relationships helps build emotional resilience and understanding as this article in the by Harvard Business Review highlights. The moment you stop asking questions—about their dreams, their worries, the random thoughts in their head—you stop learning who they are. And that slow disconnect is deadly. If your conversations are all about bills, chores, and schedules, you're running a household—not a marriage. This habit creeps in when life gets busy, and it feels practical at first. But without emotional depth, your connection starts to feel like a spreadsheet. Marriage is about more than the to-do list. When the business of life overshadows the intimacy of partnership, you lose the glue that holds you together. And that slow drift can feel impossible to reverse. Joking about your partner's quirks or teasing them in public can seem harmless—but it's often a passive-aggressive way to express frustration. What you call 'just joking' can land as a tiny cut that adds up over time. As Psychology Today points out, humor used to deflect or belittle often masks deeper resentment. These jabs chip away at emotional safety, leaving your partner feeling exposed and small. The worst part? It makes it hard for them to tell you how much it hurts. And that silence is dangerous. What worked for you two five years ago might not work now. But many couples keep running the same patterns—same roles, same routines, same assumptions—without checking if it still feels good. The problem is, people grow and change, and relationships need to adapt with them. If you're not actively updating the playbook, you risk growing apart. Marriage isn't static—it's a living, breathing thing that needs regular tending. Ignoring that creates slow, silent fractures. Parenthood can swallow a marriage whole if you're not careful. It's easy to let the kids' needs dictate every decision, leaving no room for your partnership. But when you stop making each other a priority, the relationship starts to fade into the background. Your partner needs to know they still matter to you outside of being co-parents. A marriage where the kids come first in every situation can feel more like a business partnership than a romantic one. And eventually, one or both of you will start looking elsewhere for that connection. It's great to be a team—but when teamwork replaces romance, intimacy takes a back seat. You become taskmasters, organizers, and logistics experts—but not lovers. That shift happens quietly and often feels practical, but it's deadly for passion. Your marriage should feel like more than a well-oiled machine. If you're not flirting, touching, or sharing desire, the relationship risks going cold. And once that warmth is gone, it's hard to bring it back. Marriage isn't a competition, but keeping score makes it one. Whether it's tracking who does more chores, who sacrifices more, or who's 'winning' the arguments, this habit erodes trust and teamwork. It turns every interaction into a subtle power struggle. Over time, you stop seeing your partner as a teammate and start seeing them as an opponent. The resentment builds quietly, one tally at a time. And the emotional distance grows deeper. Expecting your partner to read your mind is a recipe for disappointment. It creates a dynamic where you feel neglected, they feel confused, and neither of you gets what you actually want. This quiet assumption builds resentment on both sides. No one is a mind reader, no matter how long you've been together. When you don't speak up, you set your partner up to fail. And that repeated failure chips away at the relationship. Laughter is often the first thing to go when stress piles up. Without it, the relationship starts to feel heavy, transactional, and joyless. You stop sharing light moments, and the weight of life feels even heavier. A marriage without laughter is a slow fade into emotional flatness. It's not just about having fun—it's about remembering why you liked each other in the first place. And that spark is what keeps 'I do' alive.
Perth Now
5 days ago
- General
- Perth Now
How do I have hard convos with my partner without arguing?
Every time I try to bring up something serious, like our finances, how often we're (not) having sex, or even my mental health, it somehow turns into a fight. I don't want to argue, I just want us to talk about the hard stuff without it becoming World War III. Why does this keep happening, and how can we actually have these conversations without it blowing up? Let's get one thing straight: hard conversations aren't the problem, how we approach them is. We all want connection, safety, and understanding, but when the topic feels heavy (money stress, unmet needs in the bedroom, emotional burnout), it's easy to slide into defensiveness or shutdown mode. And when one person gets defensive, the other usually doubles down… and boom…fight city! But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, mastering these tough talks can deepen your relationship and build emotional intimacy like nothing else. So, why do serious topics often go sideways? There are typically a few main reasons: 1. Poor timing. Bringing up 'Why haven't we had sex in two months?' while your partner is trying to find parking or scroll Instagram isn't going to end well. Timing is everything. Research from The Gottman Institute shows that when partners feel emotionally flooded (i.e., overwhelmed), productive conversation is nearly impossible. 2. Tone over content. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. You can talk about the trickiest subjects, mental health, libido differences, debt, if you use a calm, compassionate tone. Leading with accusations ('You never listen') triggers defensiveness. Leading with vulnerability ('I've been feeling disconnected lately and want to talk about it') invites curiosity. 3. Lack of emotional safety. If either partner feels judged, shamed, or invalidated, conversations about sensitive issues can feel threatening. One 2022 study found that perceived criticism during emotional discussions was one of the top predictors of conflict escalation. So, what actually helps? Let's keep it simple and doable, because I don't want to set you up for failure. Start by using what we call the 'soft startup' technique: Start the conversation gently. Instead of 'We need to talk about your spending,' try 'I'd love for us to look at our finances together so we're on the same page.' Then set the scene: Pick a time when you're both relatively relaxed, not mid-argument, not while exhausted. Say, 'Hey, is now a good time to talk about something important to me?' One of the most basic and easiest to action is sticking to 'I' statements: It's Relationship Communication 101. 'I've been feeling…' vs. 'You always…'. I would recommend that you both avoid what we call 'kitchen-sinking' ie. don't bring up five years of grievances when you're trying to discuss one thing. Stay focused. Finally, validate before you disagree. Saying things such as 'I can see why that made you feel that way' is a magical sentence. It doesn't mean you agree, it means you care. Because after all, hard conversations aren't meant to be avoided, they're the glue that holds mature relationships together. If you can talk about the big three, mental health, sex, and money, without blowing up, you're not just surviving love… you're thriving in it. And remember: it's okay to ask for help. Whether it's a trusted therapist or a relationship coach, support can make all the difference in turning conflict into connection. Your Bestie, Amanda Amanda Lambros is a sexologist and relationship coach with almost two decades of experience who takes pride in her 'no b-s' approach to solving your problems. She is also a certified speaking professional and has written several books on relationships, health and business which have sold more than 150,000 copies. Do you have a question for Amanda? Email heybestie@ (don't worry, we won't publish your name!)
Yahoo
7 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
13 Ways You're Secretly Sabotaging Your Marriage Because You Want Out
You might not have said it out loud—or even admitted it to yourself—but deep down, you're quietly unraveling the threads of your marriage. You tell yourself you're 'just tired' or 'frustrated,' but your actions say otherwise. The truth is, part of you is already gone, and the ways you're showing up (or not showing up) reflect that. It's the slow, subtle sabotage that tells the real story. These aren't the dramatic exits or the explosive fights. They're the quiet choices, the little withdrawals, the passive-aggressive moves that quietly burn the bridge from both ends. If you see yourself in these patterns, it's time for a brutally honest check-in: are you trying to fix it, or are you waiting for it to fall apart? Here are 13 ways you might be sabotaging your marriage without even realizing it. You tell yourself it's not worth the fight, so you stay silent. But silence isn't peace—it's the slow death of intimacy according to The Gottman Institute. When you stop sharing what's really on your mind, you're not keeping the peace—you're quietly checking out. And each unspoken frustration builds a wall you don't even try to climb. The real problem? You're not avoiding conflict—you're avoiding connection. If you're not willing to speak up, you're not fighting for the relationship. And that silence? It says more than you think. You snap over dishes in the sink, a missed text, the way they breathe too loudly in bed—but it's not really about that. It's resentment bubbling up in disguise, looking for an outlet because you're too scared to admit what's really wrong. These fights give you an excuse to feel justified in your anger without addressing the real issue: you don't want to be there anymore. It's conflict as a smokescreen. The fights aren't solving anything—they're creating distance. And deep down, you know that. You're not arguing to fix the relationship—you're arguing to push them away. That's not communication—it's sabotage. You show up physically, but your heart's somewhere else. You stop sharing your thoughts, your feelings, the little details of your day. When they ask how you are, you say 'fine,' but it's a wall, not an answer. And they can feel it—even if they don't say anything. This kind of emotional withdrawal is a quiet exit strategy as The Couples Center notes. You're not leaving the relationship—you're just slowly taking yourself out of it, piece by piece. It's a way to avoid the hard conversation while still creating the distance you crave. But at what cost? It starts small—an Instagram post, a coworker's story, a memory of how someone else used to make you feel. Suddenly, your partner is never enough—not romantic enough, not ambitious enough, not interesting enough. You don't say it out loud, but the comparison is constant. And it erodes any gratitude you might have for who they are. Comparison isn't just toxic—it's a way of pre-justifying your exit. If they can't measure up to your fantasy version of a partner, you get to feel justified in pulling away. But here's the thing: no one can live up to an imaginary standard. And you know it. You don't say what you really feel—you drop hints, make sarcastic remarks, or weaponize jokes. It's easier to be snarky than vulnerable, so you let the resentment drip out sideways. It's a way of releasing the pressure without having an actual conversation. But passive-aggression doesn't clear the air—it poisons it and sabotages relationships according to Psychology Today. Your partner might not call it out every time, but they feel it. The sting of your 'jokes' lingers long after the laugh fades. If you're always using sarcasm as a shield, you're not protecting the relationship—you're chipping away at it. And you know exactly what you're doing. You avoid their touch, dodge kisses, or claim you're 'just tired' more often than not. And while there's nothing wrong with having seasons of low desire, when it becomes the norm, it's not about fatigue—it's about disconnect. Physical intimacy isn't just about sex—it's about closeness, warmth, and presence. And when you pull away, you're sending a clear message: I'm not here with you anymore. The lack of touch creates an emotional chasm that only widens over time. It's not just about sex—it's about the small, daily moments of affection that hold a relationship together. And when those fade, it's hard to find your way back. Unless you choose to. Your calendar is packed, but there's no room for them. You have time for friends, work, hobbies, and even strangers—but your partner gets the scraps. It's not an accident; it's a quiet way of signaling they're no longer your priority. And they feel it, even if they pretend they don't. Neglect isn't neutral—it's corrosive and dangerous to your relationship according to The Happy Marriage blog. The more you choose everything else, the clearer it becomes: they're no longer your person. And eventually, they'll believe it, too. They try—maybe not perfectly, but they try—and you shoot them down. Whether it's a compliment, a small gesture, or an attempt to connect, you minimize it, criticize it, or roll your eyes. It's death by a thousand cuts—subtle, but relentless. And over time, they stop trying altogether. You're not just holding them to a high standard—you're pushing them away. Dismissing their efforts is a form of rejection. And the more you do it, the more you're sending the message: this relationship isn't worth saving. You daydream about a life without them—what it would feel like to wake up alone, to travel solo, to make decisions without checking in. And while a little imagination is normal, when it becomes a longing, it's a red flag. You tell yourself it's harmless, but it feeds the part of you that's already halfway out the door. And that fantasy becomes a blueprint for your quiet exit. You're not just imagining freedom—you're rehearsing it. And every time you let yourself drift into that daydream, you take one more step away from the life you've built together. That's not harmless. That's sabotage. When they succeed—at work, with friends, in their personal goals—you feel…nothing. Or worse, you feel a quiet resentment, as if their joy somehow threatens you. So you don't cheer, you don't ask questions, you don't engage. You let their moment pass unacknowledged, and the distance grows. Withholding support is a silent form of punishment. It's a way of saying, I'm not on your team anymore. And over time, it's a message they can't ignore. When you think about the next five years, ten years, or even next summer, they're not in the picture. You stop making plans, stop dreaming together, stop seeing them as part of the story you're building. It's a quiet erasure—a way of emotionally preparing for an ending you haven't spoken out loud. And it's one of the clearest signs you're already gone. The future is where intimacy lives. If you can't see them in yours, it's time to ask why. And be honest about the answer—especially to yourself. You stop looking at them, really looking—noticing their face, their expressions, the way their eyes light up when they talk. It's not just a physical shift—it's an emotional one. Avoiding eye contact is a subtle form of disconnect, a way of saying, I'm not here with you anymore. It's self-protective, but it's also damaging. Eye contact builds intimacy. When you avoid it, you're avoiding connection—and they feel it, whether they say it or not. If you can't meet their gaze, it's time to ask what you're hiding from. The answer might surprise you. You're hoping they'll call it quits so you don't have to be the 'bad guy.' You're pulling away, checking out, creating distance—not to save the marriage, but to give them no choice but to leave. It's a form of emotional abdication, and it feels safer than owning the decision. But it's also deeply unfair. If you want out, say it. Don't make them do the hard work of ending something you've already emotionally exited. Staying until they leave doesn't make you noble—it makes you avoidant. And you owe both of you better than that.
The Independent
09-04-2025
- Entertainment
- The Independent
King Charles III's fairytale isn't the one we remember as marriage to Camilla reaches 20-year mark
. King Charles III and Queen Camilla, whose paths first crossed over 50 years ago, celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Their journey to this milestone was fraught with challenges: interfering families, previous marriages, and relentless public scrutiny. For years, their relationship remained largely obscured, overshadowed by the "fairytale" of Princess Diana. As royal biographer Sally Bedell Smith, author of Prince Charles: The Passions and Paradoxes of an Improbable Life, notes, "We missed the love story, there's no doubt about it. But in fairness, it was not something that was very visible." The road between the time they met in the 1970s and their marriage on April 9, 2005, was rocky. Charles, then a young naval officer, fell in love but was soon sent to sea for eight months. While he was away, Camilla accepted the proposal of a dashing cavalry officer. But they remained friends, even as Charles' courtship and marriage to Lady Diana Spencer played out before an adoring nation in 1981. And they were more than friends when both of their marriages crumbled in the mid-1990s. Many blamed Camilla for the extramarital affair that torpedoed his marriage to Diana, the glamorous young mother of Princes William and Harry who was adored for her style and the human touch she brought to her charity work. That resentment flared when 'the People's Princess' died in a Paris car crash in 1997, five years after her messy, public split from Charles. The crash thrust Camilla back into the shadows. Over time, she was slowly reintroduced to the public, starting with a 1999 event where she and Charles made their first public appearance as a couple. There were meetings with Queen Elizabeth II, as well as with William and Harry. Still, there were questions. Should a divorced man be king? Could Camilla ever be queen? But eventually the time was right. A quiet wedding The union came on April 9, 2005, in a modest civil ceremony in Windsor. Instead of the pageantry that marked Charles' wedding to Diana — an extravaganza watched by millions around the world — there was a union between 50-something divorcees. The bride wore a cream silk chiffon dress and matching coat, with a lace-trimmed straw hat. The groom wore a black tailcoat and gray tie. William and Harry attended, as did Camilla's two children. In total, there were 30 guests. A blessing ceremony at the castle's St. George's Chapel later that day was attended by 800 people, including the groom's parents, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. There were a few boos from the crowd — presumably from Diana fans — but mostly cheers. One banner read: 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' There were waves, but no kiss. A lasting union Their union has now lasted five years longer than Charles' marriage to Diana and shows no signs of faltering. Julie Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which studies relationships, said Charles and Camilla appear to embody many of the characteristics needed for a strong marriage: trust, commitment and a sense of shared purpose. 'Before anything, they had a friendship,' she said. 'And when you have a relationship in which friendship is the foundation, you're much more likely to really succeed in marriage and a committed relationship because that foundation is already there.' The public mood has continued to soften in the years since Charles married the woman then known as Camilla Parker Bowles. Camilla, 77, has taken on roles at almost 100 charities, championing issues that range from promoting literacy to supporting victims of domestic violence and fighting child sexual exploitation. Some of her causes pushed the boundaries of the royal family, known for supporting worthy but non-controversial charities. For the public, it seemed as if she was in touch with the modern world. Her style is down to earth. Her sense of humour is self-deprecating. Just like Charles, she loves dogs and horses. More to the point, she seems to make the king happy. Strength and stay George Gross, a royal historian at King's College London, said the relationship reminds him of that between Charles' parents. Elizabeth described Philip as her ' strength and stay'' in her Golden Wedding anniversary speech, recognieing his unwavering support and partnership throughout their 70-year marriage and her long reign. 'I think they have managed to find this way of making it work, and I do think feeding off each other in this strength of resilience, because I think you have to be resilient and if you count the number of, in fact it's very difficult to count, the number of engagements they do every year multiplied by those 20 years of marriage, it's thousands,' Gross said. The relationship has been further challenged by Charles' cancer diagnosis. The king briefly cancelled his public engagements for more than two months last year after revealing that he was undergoing treatment for an undisclosed form of cancer. Camilla stepped lightly into the void, increasing her appearances and taking on the all-important role of keeping the royal family in the public eye. Camilla has helped pick up the slack, demonstrating the importance of her rehabilitation to Charles and the royal family. And when Charles resumed his duties, Camilla took a few steps back. Not into the shadows, exactly, but far enough to make sure that the spotlight shined on Charles. That suggests something else about Camilla that helped make the relationship a success, Gottman said. 'My guess is that ... it wasn't about becoming queen,' she said. 'That wasn't it. What she wanted all along was to be his true love and mate.''
