12-04-2025
Letting Your Rival Up Easy
Painting of The Peacemakers, showing Sherman, Grant, Lincoln, and Porter aboard the River Queen
As the Civil War was concluding, Abraham Lincoln met with his top generals and staff aboard the River Queen in Williamsport, Virginia, in late March 1865. Part of this meeting is depicted in the famous painting The Peacemakers. When discussing how to treat the defeated South, Lincoln said that the Union must 'let them up easy.'
'It's a term from wrestling where the idea is once you've got your victory, both sides sort of know who won, who lost, and you stand up and you basically show grace to the defeated person,' historian and Lincoln biographer Michael Vorenberg told me in an interview about his book, Lincoln's Peace. 'You shake hands, you don't laud your victory, you don't rub it in.'
This behavior was something Lincoln demonstrated 'as a young man on the frontier in Illinois [and how] he won his way into the hearts of the community, especially with the tough guys.' The tall and rangy Lincoln, strengthened by physical labor, was an expert wrestler who was not afraid of bullies. And when he bettered them, he would not "beat them up" but instead 'letting them up easy.'
Sadly, Lincoln never saw it through because he was assassinated weeks later. However, the lesson of going easy on your adversary rings true today. When our culture is so riven with division, those who can find the strength to rise about the heat of the moment can do much to ensure future peace, even collaboration. That is, enforce and earn peace through kindness.
So, taking Lincoln's words as inspiration for a lesson plan, here are some suggestions for finding ways to act upon 'the better angels' of our nature when we find ourselves at odds with those who hold views different from our own.
Get the lay of the land. Determine the issues. Look for the root causes of problems and actions that have worked in the past.
Ask questions. Understand what people want. Engage them in conversation. Spend more time listening than speaking.
Listen to what people are not saying. So often, in intramural squabbles, people have their favorites. For this reason, many people will be reluctant to speak out. Therefore, do not expect straight answers. Look inside for how people react in your presence.
Invite everyone to participate. Strive for win-win solutions. Yes, there will be winners, but find ways to make everyone feel welcome and give them a voice in shaping the future.
One of my favorite quotes from Winston Churchill is:
'In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance,
In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will."
When we are emotionally invested in our beliefs, it can be difficult to disentangle emotion from reason. It takes practice and discipline to quell how you feel inside and how you project yourself. In short, the struggle may be hard, but when you win, act with the spirit of grace and goodwill.
Click here to watch the full interview with Michael Vorenberg.
