Latest news with #ThisBookIsCheaperThanTherapy
Refinery29
5 days ago
- Entertainment
- Refinery29
The ‘You Look Happier' Trend Is Giving Us Space To Be Messy
Doing the 'right' thing. The wellness thing. Or even the self-betterment thing, is so impressed upon us these days, we can feel guilty when we make the 'wrong' choice for our overall wellbeing. Things like: Texting an ex, getting drunk instead of sitting with tough emotions, flaking on the gym to bed rot, foregoing journaling yet another night. We all do them. It's fun. It's enlivening. It isn't something you want to make a regular occurrence, but being messy is part and parcel of being human. It's time we stopped berating ourselves for it. On Instagram and TikTok we're seeing this play out with playful takes on the 'you look happier when' trend, in which people film themselves smiling with this caption overlaid. Some people have gone about the trend in earnest, finishing the sentence with 'you go to bed on time and cut screen time '. But others have been more tongue in cheek. 'You look happier when you spend a weekend with your ex and don't tell your friends', being a clear example of this. It's unsurprising this is happening midsummer when attitudes typically lean towards prioritising fun over productivity, and when shows like Lena Dunham's Too Much have us hooked — a show about being messy, imperfect, and growing through poor choices. Being messy harnesses growth so we're leaning into it. Is it harmless to embrace our messy selves? Pamela Roberts, therapist at Priory, says there are two types of happiness and that both are important. 'Hedonic happiness is the kind of happiness you get from pleasure and enjoyment,' Roberts says. It's the feeling you get from a delicious meal, a funny movie, or a spontaneous night out with friends. 'This type of happiness is often short-lived and focuses on maximising pleasure and minimising pain. It's about feeling good in the moment. Eudaimonic happiness, on the other hand, is a deeper and more lasting form of happiness. It comes from living a life of purpose, meaning, and personal growth. This is the happiness you get from achieving a long-term goal, helping others, or developing skills. It's not always about feeling good in the moment, it might even require sacrifice or hard work.' Roberts says that allowing yourself to make the 'messy' choice does have some psychological benefits, to a degree. At its best, it can be a 'form of mindfulness', because you're fully present in the moment. It can also be a way to relieve stress and break free from the pressure of always doing the "right" thing. However, doing too much of this can make us pain-adverse, resulting in an inability to tolerate any kind of emotional pain, like boredom, sadness, and guilt. There is a psychological benefit to being flexible and being able to tune into what you need at a particular moment, is the view of psychotherapist Liz Kelly, author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy. That might not be the 'healthiest' choice all of the time. 'It's essential to discern whether you are engaging in a behavior intentionally, because you genuinely want to, or if you are participating in a pattern of numbing out or distraction from difficult feelings,' she says. It might be helpful to think about whether an action is going to lead to more stress or complications down the road. Making sure a messy night doesn't snowball into a messy year Roberts says it's crucial to differentiate between occasional "messiness" and a pattern of self-sabotage. 'The former can be a healthy release, while the latter can be a sign of deeper issues. So, is this mindful messiness and would it be as satisfying? When making a frivolous, messy choice, like seeing an ex, it's important to be mindful and intentional about the actions taken to avoid this snowballing into a bigger issue.' Make sure you show yourself compassion, too — no one is perfect all of the time. She recommends: setting boundaries, reflecting on your motivations, and how you feel afterwards. But also, to have fun. 'A life of constant discipline and self-control can lead to burnout,' she says. 'Treat frivolity as a single occasion, not as a new way of life. The occasional embrace of frivolity can be a healthy expression of an adventurous spirit, if it's not a means of self-sabotage. The image of walking a tightrope is a good analogy here — it's about balancing fun and spontaneity with a clear understanding of your boundaries and goals.'
Refinery29
23-05-2025
- General
- Refinery29
The Hardest Thing About Being Single? Not Saying 'Yes' To Just Anyone
'So shall we meet up again soon?' reads a text from a guy. Although I've had fun dates with him, he's been flaky with arranging them, and is either all or nothing with his texting. I'm never sure if I'm about to be ghosted, or if a flurry of messages written with teenage intensity are about to land. When I write it down like that, none of it suits or reflects who I am or what I want, and it all makes me recoil at the thought of seeing him again. A decent date doesn't mean much if everything else surrounding it, like communication, is lacklustre. And yet, why is it so hard to reply with a definitive 'no' and shut that door forever? I recently saw a woman talking on TikTok about how the hardest thing with being single is not saying 'yes' to just anyone, especially the people you know aren't right for you. The temptation exists because being single naturally comes with moments of loneliness, and with loneliness, comes the risk of lower standards, settling, and going along with a date just for momentary fun. But I have been single for a long while and I have given in to these moments before. I've learned the short term 'fun' is rarely worth the disheartening feeling that sits with you long after that fun stops. I'm trying to get better at not saying 'yes' to just anyone, and to not let my own self-doubt call my instincts into question (which end up being proven right, pretty much always). Dating intentionally does limit your options. When everyone around me is in relationships, it isn't as straightforward and simple as saying 'no' to the wrong people. When 'no' should be the answer, it's still in tension with hope and desire. This self-doubt has something to do with a scarcity mindset, according to Liz Kelly, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy. 'A scarcity mindset is based on the belief that resources are limited and difficult to obtain,' she says. 'People with this mindset often make reactive decisions based on fear and anxiety. They tend to settle for unfulfilling situations because they doubt anything better will come and fear losing what they have. This can be detrimental in dating.' Kelly adds this type of thinking can cause a person to ignore red flags, feel like their options are limited, fear that they will never find a partner, and stay in unhealthy relationships. For those of us who are a part of the done-with-dating-apps collective, the familiarity of wondering if we'll be single forever is enough to make us wince. Before people tell me I'm being too picky, this isn't the same as not giving someone a chance or making a snap decision before you've even had the time to properly talk. I've given out chances and haven't asked for much back in exchange for my time and openness. So, this isn't about a lack of chances, it's about engaging with people you know aren't right for you. You might be thinking, well, that's easy, Tanyel. Again, I don't think it is that simple. For ages now in modern dating, we've spoken about people in extremes. 'He's a narcissist,' is thrown around casually. When we speak of bad dating behavior, people love to put labels on it. While that helps us define confusing situations, the truth is that most people aren't far on either side of the good and bad spectrum. A lot of us are somewhere in the middle and haven't done awful things. Someone can be decent and not for you, but rarely do we speak about dating in such a neutral way. A date might have said something you weren't keen on at all, or done something that doesn't align with you. But because it wasn't horrendous, doubt creeps in about your decision to not go out again and that person ends up eating more of your time than they should. And guess what? You're still single at the end of it, grappling with the same disillusionment, only this time, there's a fresh sting to it. Kelly says that in order to stay connected to your values, it's important to 'come from a mindset of abundance while dating'. That looks like believing that you deserve love, that you are worthy of healthy relationships and respect, and that there are good people out there, she explains. 'One strategy for practicing an abundance mindset is to reflect daily on what you appreciate and to identify small wins,' Kelly says. 'You can simultaneously be frustrated and disappointed with dating while feeling thankful for friends and other parts of your life. Both of those things can be true at the same time.' This way, you're less likely to fall into the trap of dating someone who isn't necessarily good for you. In the end, I did decide to put an end to seeing that guy again. As fun as he is in person, his unreliability was irritating to me as someone that likes to plan. It also felt increasingly disrespectful of my time. Realistically, that was never going to work out. When I am brave enough to say no and am confident that I am sticking to my values, I feel powerful. I'm not trucking along with someone who isn't right for me, instead I get to give myself a little pat on the back and carry on until something better comes along. I'm glad I'm not forcing myself through the motions of a date for the sake of it. Plus, future Tanyel is going to be way happier for that decision. Her fulfilment matters the most, and I think there will be people who show up where the answer is always an enthusiastic 'yes'.
Refinery29
21-05-2025
- Health
- Refinery29
I Can't Reply To Your Long Text Message After Work
After a day of typing thousands of words, there's nothing that shuts my brain down quicker than a long text message essay or four-minute voice note (which, by the way, I'm guilty of sending, too). Even if I love the person messaging me, it can sometimes still feel like a lot of mental effort is needed to reply to the message. Friends have told me they have days where they feel similarly, paralysed by the text notification number going up, agonizing over not replying, and yet seemingly being unable to send the oftentimes quick reply that's required. Days go by before the message is given attention, then the cycle repeats. Maybe for you it's group chats rather than voice notes, or messages with external links instead of a chunky block of text — we all have something that takes us obscenely long to reply to. The message isn't really the problem, but the message seems to bear the brunt of the problem: a drought of time and energy. It's almost as if being needed in some way after work calls attention to just how flattening work might have been. 'A message, even a simple one, requires thought, mental energy and sometimes even emotional bandwidth,' says Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist and founder of CPPC London. 'It might feel like cognitive overload after we have likely already spent all day performing tasks and making decisions. When stress ramps up, our ability to think, problem-solve, and be creative decreases. Our brains under stress become more concerned with avoiding pain and keeping us out of harm's way than accomplishing tasks on our to-do lists.' Texts can end up feeling like yet another thing on a to-do list, she adds, especially when we have just shaken off our work to-do lists. Liz Kelly, therapist in the Washington, DC area and the author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says that common daily work situations (like a tough conversation with our boss, bad traffic on the way to the office, or dealing with a problematic client) activate our sympathetic nervous, putting our body in "fight, flight, freeze or fawn" mode. 'This nervous system activation can cause us to feel shut down or on edge, which makes everyday tasks, like responding to messages, much harder to complete,' she says. We aren't bad people for feeling this way when a friend texts, it's about how our brains are hardwired to respond to all of these stimuli, but we shouldn't completely brush this off as normal or fine. Think about how much time you give to texting, alongside the hours you clock in at work. 'Most of us spend a lot of the day looking at smartphones and computers and having to be highly responsive, and this can lead to digital and general burnout,' Plumer says. 'This is only worsened by the feeling that we need to spend further minutes or hours attached to our screens. Modern communication is instant, and with that can come the pressure that our responses should be immediate.' Responding to messages after work can feel as though it's eating into our rest and relaxation time, she adds, affecting our ability to recover from a long day. Unless a message is urgent, perhaps we don't need to reply that same night if what we need that evening is to decompress before the next day. The elephant in the room here is that your job may be demanding too much of you — and that's why something as simple as a text feels too much. Research from last year found that 44% of British adults feel physically and/or mentally exhausted after work, with younger people being more likely to experience this. On the flip side, it might be that a friend is demanding too much. Plumer recommends taking stock to reflect on what might be the cause of this feeling when people try to contact you. 'It might be worth scheduling a time once or twice a week to respond to any messages that have been put off rather than trying to force a reply as they come in, or at the end of every day.' She also recommends reducing your notifications or muting certain chats or groups. 'You might also want to consider leaving voice notes or even making a phone call rather than typing a message. Phone calls in particular can help mitigate the need to get caught in a back-and-forth message exchange. If the message only needs a simple reply like a yes or no, do it sooner rather than later, and get it out of the way.' If work and friendships both feel fine, it might come down to how you compartmentalize at the end of the day in order to look after yourself. Kelly says she sees clients lack compassion towards themselves when they're 'overwhelmed, overstimulated and cognitively fatigued'. Before trying to tackle any messages straight out of the office, Kelly says to 'consider engaging in activities that will help you regulate your nervous system, such as doing some stretching or yoga, taking a walk outside, creating art or crafting, dancing to a song, or even having a short power nap.' You might feel mentally clearer and less daunted by notifications after that point. 'If you need help returning messages, try setting a timer for five or 10 minutes and see what you can accomplish during that time,' Kelly says, 'and if you don't feel up to reading and responding to a long message, it's perfectly okay to let your friend or family member know that you cannot answer now, but you will be happy to return the message once you have more time and energy.' Your friend will likely understand, because the chances are they too get overwhelmed by messages as well. In fact, their reply might have come after days of feeling unable to get to it. Taking Kelly's advice on board, if it's been one of those days, I leave the message unopened and allow myself to do the things that help me feel regulated once again. Sometimes it's reading a book, other times it's going to the gym. The message is still there, but I allow myself to drop the urgency I've attached to it that no one else asked for. Then, feeling more like myself, I'm able to reply and give the energy that's required of me. It doesn't feel taxing this time, because it's energy I have ready to give.
Refinery29
20-05-2025
- Health
- Refinery29
I Can't Reply To Your Long WhatsApp After Work
After a day of typing thousands of words, there's nothing that shuts my brain down quicker than a long WhatsApp essay or four-minute voice note (which, by the way, I'm guilty of sending, too). Even if I love the person messaging me, it can sometimes still feel like a lot of mental effort is needed to reply to the message. Friends have told me they have days where they feel similarly, paralysed by the WhatsApp notification number going up, agonising over not replying, and yet seemingly being unable to send the oftentimes quick reply that's required. Days go by before the message is given attention, then the cycle repeats. Maybe for you it's group chats rather than voice notes, or messages with external links instead of a chunky block of text — we all have something that takes us obscenely long to reply to. The message isn't really the problem, but the message seems to bear the brunt of the problem: a drought of time and energy. It's almost as if being needed in some way after work calls attention to just how flattening work might have been. 'A message, even a simple one, requires thought, mental energy and sometimes even emotional bandwidth,' says Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist and founder of CPPC London. 'It might feel like cognitive overload after we have likely already spent all day performing tasks and making decisions. When stress ramps up, our ability to think, problem-solve, and be creative decreases. Our brains under stress become more concerned with avoiding pain and keeping us out of harm's way than accomplishing tasks on our to-do lists.' Texts can end up feeling like yet another thing on a to-do list, she adds, especially when we have just shaken off our work to-do lists. Liz Kelly, therapist in the Washington, DC area and the author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says that common daily work situations (like a tough conversation with our boss, bad traffic on the way to the office, or dealing with a problematic client) activate our sympathetic nervous, putting our body in "fight, flight, freeze or fawn" mode. 'This nervous system activation can cause us to feel shut down or on edge, which makes everyday tasks, like responding to messages, much harder to complete,' she says. We aren't bad people for feeling this way when a friend texts, it's about how our brains are hardwired to respond to all of these stimuli, but we shouldn't completely brush this off as normal or fine. Last year, people spent on average 16 hours a month on WhatsApp alone. That's a lot of time alongside the hours we clock in. 'Most of us spend a lot of the day looking at smartphones and computers and having to be highly responsive, and this can lead to digital and general burnout,' Plumer says. 'This is only worsened by the feeling that we need to spend further minutes or hours attached to our screens. Modern communication is instant, and with that can come the pressure that our responses should be immediate.' Responding to messages after work can feel as though it's eating into our rest and relaxation time, she adds, affecting our ability to recover from a long day. Unless a message is urgent, perhaps we don't need to reply that same night if what we need that evening is to decompress before the next day. The elephant in the room here is that your job may be demanding too much of you — and that's why something as simple as a text feels too much. Research from last year found that 44% of British adults feel physically and/or mentally exhausted after work, with younger people being more likely to experience this. On the flip side, it might be that a friend is demanding too much. Plumer recommends taking stock to reflect on what might be the cause of this feeling when people try to contact you. 'It might be worth scheduling a time once or twice a week to respond to any messages that have been put off rather than trying to force a reply as they come in, or at the end of every day.' She also recommends reducing your notifications or muting certain chats or groups. 'You might also want to consider leaving voice notes or even making a phone call rather than typing a message. Phone calls in particular can help mitigate the need to get caught in a back-and-forth message exchange. If the message only needs a simple reply like a yes or no, do it sooner rather than later, and get it out of the way.' If work and friendships both feel fine, it might come down to how you compartmentalise at the end of the day in order to look after yourself. Kelly says she sees clients lack compassion towards themselves when they're 'overwhelmed, overstimulated and cognitively fatigued'. Before trying to tackle any messages straight out of the office, Kelly says to 'consider engaging in activities that will help you regulate your nervous system, such as doing some stretching or yoga, taking a walk outside, creating art or crafting, dancing to a song, or even having a short power nap.' You might feel mentally clearer and less daunted by notifications after that point. 'If you need help returning messages, try setting a timer for five or 10 minutes and see what you can accomplish during that time,' Kelly says, 'and if you don't feel up to reading and responding to a long message, it's perfectly okay to let your friend or family member know that you cannot answer now, but you will be happy to return the message once you have more time and energy.' Your friend will likely understand, because the chances are they too get overwhelmed by messages as well. In fact, their reply might have come after days of feeling unable to get to it. Taking Kelly's advice on board, if it's been one of those days, I leave the message unopened and allow myself to do the things that help me feel regulated once again. Sometimes it's reading a book, other times it's going to the gym. The message is still there, but I allow myself to drop the urgency I've attached to it that no one else asked for. Then, feeling more like myself, I'm able to reply and give the energy that's required of me. It doesn't feel taxing this time, because it's energy I have ready to give.
