4 days ago
How to be more assertive and stop saying sorry
'Are you paying cash or card?', asked the man behind the counter of my local corner shop when I popped in to buy a carton of milk a couple of weeks ago. 'Oh, I'm so sorry,' I said, 'I don't carry cash any more, so I'll need to pay by card.'
At this the man, who's previously told me he comes from Turkey, looked at me quizzically and responded: 'Why are you saying sorry? You British are always saying sorry to everything! I just told you, it's fine to pay by card.'
Over the next couple of days, I realised he had a point as I caught myself saying 'sorry' on multiple occasions when I had nothing to apologise for. At my group tennis coaching class, every time I hit a ball out of the court, I'd yell out an apology to the person on the other side of the net, despite the fact they were mis-hitting as many balls as I was.
In the train carriage on my way to a meeting when hay fever got the better of me, I followed each sneeze with a 'sorry', even though the carriage was fairly empty and nobody was sitting next to me.
When I replied to a work email requesting me to invoice for an article I'd written, I began: 'Sorry it's taken me a while to get this over to you', even though my response was written less than three hours after the original message popped into my inbox.
And, most dramatically, when my next-door neighbour reversed straight into my car on our shared drive – even though I was stationary – I got out and found myself saying 'sorry' to him, although the prang was clearly his fault. (Fortunately, he admitted this and only a tiny bit of damage was done.)
While my enthusiasm for apologising may at first glance sound over the top, in fact, there is nothing at all unusual about it, according to new research. Indeed, Britons typically utter the word 'sorry' nine times a day – adding up to an incredible 3,285 times a year, the study commissioned by Interflora found.
And, just as I do, the researchers discovered 90 per cent of Britons routinely apologise for things which aren't their fault, such as someone bumping into them, trying to squeeze past a person in a queue, or accidentally interrupting someone.
Psychotherapist Tim Arthur confirms, 'the phenomenon of excessive apologising is something I encounter frequently in my practice'. He adds that the prevalence of a 'cultural script' of politeness is one of the most distinctive aspects of Britishness. A 'cultural script', he explains, is a socially shared pattern of behaviour and communication that becomes almost automatic. 'In Britain, this often manifests as a reflexive tendency to apologise, even when no harm has been caused or when the fault clearly lies elsewhere.'
According to Arthur, ours is not the only culture where the frequency and reflexivity of apologising are particularly marked, with Japan and New Zealand being the other two countries with a similar tendency.
'In Japan, for example, apologising is integral to maintaining social harmony, often functioning as a ritualistic expression of respect rather than an admission of guilt,' he says. 'Meanwhile, in New Zealand, there is also a notable tendency towards modesty and self-effacement, partly influenced by Maori cultural values that emphasise humility and collective well-being. Similar to Britain, New Zealanders may apologise pre-emptively to mitigate any perceived disruption or imposition.'
But, while we may find apologetic companions in these places, they are far from typical, says Arthur. In cultures with more individualistic orientations, such as the United States or most European countries, directness is often valued over excessive politeness. 'Here, apologies are more likely to be seen as an admission of culpability rather than a routine social lubricant.'
The roots of our excessive politeness in the UK can often be traced back to childhood and early family dynamics, suggests Arthur. Individuals raised in environments where conflict was minimised or where there was a high value placed on keeping the peace may develop a conditioned response to avoid confrontation at all costs. This certainly strikes a chord with me. My early upbringing was very much focused on living in a harmonious household, avoiding arguments – even when an occasion could have easily warranted one.
Moreover, educational settings can reinforce this pattern, says Arthur. 'In many British schools, children are encouraged to be 'good' and 'polite', with non-compliance often framed as problematic. This early conditioning can make assertiveness feel socially risky or even transgressive,' he says. Again, I recognise that the ethos of my girls' school would definitely fit with this description and also helps explain my adult behaviour.
But if repeatedly saying 'sorry' and displaying politeness are such norms in our society, where's the harm? Why can't we just keep apologising and carry on as we are?
Unfortunately, says Arthur, over-apologising can have several negative psychological repercussions. 'Firstly, it may undermine self-worth, as the habitual admission of fault can erode one's sense of competence,' he says. 'My clients often report feeling 'invisible' or taken advantage of when their apologies become a reflex rather than a considered response.'
He adds that from an interpersonal standpoint, habitual apologising can also alter power dynamics. 'In professional settings, it may signal submissiveness or lack of confidence, inadvertently leading to being overlooked or undervalued. As one of my client's insightfully noted, 'It's like I'm constantly taking up less space, just in case someone else needs more',' he says.
So, it's clearly time for me and my fellow sorry-sayers to get a grip and learn some techniques to prevent ourselves from becoming doormats. Not that I'd ever want to become rude or aggressive, but rather it would be helpful to reframe our behaviour so as not to perennially suggest that we are at fault for whatever life throws at us.
Arthur points to a technique called 'cognitive restructuring' as being helpful in this regard. This challenges the belief that politeness requires self-deprecation and instead of defaulting to 'sorry', this is replaced with affirmative language that maintains respect without implying any sort of mistake. 'For example, instead of saying 'sorry for taking up your time', you could try saying 'thank you for your patience',' Arthur suggests.
He also encourages 'mindfulness' when speaking – or, put simply, being aware of the automatic responses that come out of our mouths. 'When you notice an apology forming, make yourself pause, assess the situation, and consciously choose a response that reflects your true intent.'
Clearly this is going to take some practice after years of ingrained behaviour and, indeed, Arthur says in his practice the training often involves repetitive role-play scenarios, where his clients practice replacing apologies with clear statements of intent. 'This can involve using 'I' statements to express feelings without attributing blame, such as: 'I'd like to share my perspective on this,' or 'I prefer to approach it this way'.'
Keen to work this through, I also book in a session with executive coach Sara Cremer who, like Arthur, works closely with clients to achieve the sweet spot between politeness, respect and assertiveness and who has some useful tips to incorporate into daily and working life (see below).
Armed with their expert advice, have I noticed any change in recent days? I have indeed consciously stopped myself beginning emails with the word 'Sorry'. I was also rather chuffed with what I managed to say at my last tennis coaching session about one of my wayward shots. Rather than the 's' word, I joked, 'Well, that's not going to give Roger Federer anything to worry about!'
Meanwhile, back at my corner shop this morning, as I bought a loaf of bread and was asked, 'Cash or card?', I simply replied: 'Card, please.' My reward was a friendly smile and a nod from the shopkeeper. I seem to be making progress.
Think about your body language: standing tall, maintaining eye contact and using open gestures can communicate confidence and assertiveness, even when words are kept polite.
Use positive words: replace 'sorry' with affirmative language that avoids suggestion of a mistake. For example, instead of saying 'sorry the meeting has overrun', you could try saying, 'what a fascinating discussion we've had'.
Think before you speak: rather than talking on autopilot, consider what you're saying and each time you sense an apology coming, force yourself to pause and replace it with a positive phrase instead.
State how you feel: to get your point across, think of a three-point script, with the three points starting: 'When you', 'I feel' and 'The consequences are'. So, for example, 'When you don't stand up for me when your mother is criticising my parenting, I feel deeply hurt and unsupported. As a consequence, I will let you take the children to your parents on your own next time.' In this way, you are noticing a behaviour, not ascribing intent or emotion to it. And the consequence adds in a boundary.
Don't use email or WhatsApp: these are terrible methods for complex or nuanced communication, fraught with the possibility for misunderstanding, particularly if you want to be assertive about something you're not happy with. Instead arrange a time to have a face-to-face conversation to talk it through.
Don't assert in anger: wait 20 minutes. If you're properly wound up by something get out of the house or office, go get a coffee, walk about for a while. Don't be assertive while you're still wound up as you won't come across as assertive, you'll come across as ranty. It's much better to be calm when making your point.
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